Teague's Legendary Awesomeness and Identity Theft

After leaving the palace, Jack performs his trademark epic escape, which includes surfing some carriages, eating a lady's earring, and irritating everybody. He magically ends up right outside the Captain's Daughter. Unfortunately, so does a random soldier.

Random Soldier: I'm so getting promoted for this!

He's about ready to shoot Jack and make the rest of the movie really lame, but he thinks he sees Keith Richards out of the corner of his eye and faints. Then we all take a moment to bask in Teague's awesomeness.

Jack: Oh, hey, Dad. What are you doing here?

Teague: Some rockstar wannabe is taking forever to restring my guitar, so I thought I'd stop by this pub to pass the time. I would've just waited in the store, but I can only listen to "Smoke on the Water" so many times.

They go inside the pub, which would be like the high-class version of Tortuga if there were anything high-class about it, and sit down with some drinks. Apparently some time has passed because suddenly it's nighttime.

Teague: I hear you're putting together a crew.

Jack: Yeah I heard that too.

Teague: I also heard you're headed for the Fountain.

Jack: If you hear any more, you'll know more about me than I do.

Teague: I certainly know more about the Fountain than you do.

Jack: Oh, yeah, I forgot you've been there. I still have the postcard you sent me.

Teague: Um, about that. Your mother and I went on a second honeymoon to Bermuda, the Fountain of Youth thing was just a cover up.

Jack: What? Then how did you get the postcard?

Teague: Same place I got you your fake ID.

Jack: What? That ID's fake?

Teague: But I did read up on the Fountain so I could convince you I'd been there, and there are some things you'll need if you want it to work. For the Profane Ritual, you need two chalices –

Jack picks up two random empty mugs from the next table over.

Jack: Chalices, check.

Teague: Not those chalices. Two silver chalices from Ponce de Leon's ship.

Jack: What for?

Teague: The ritual. Haven't you been paying attention? You need to know these things before you just go sailing off to the Fountain.

Jack: Yeah, sailing, usually works best with a ship. I don't suppose I could borrow –

Teague: No.

Jack pouts.

Teague: But you can take theirs.

He points to a group of sailors over across the room. Jack turns to look, and Teague disappears through a trap door.

Jack: Just like him to stick me with the bill.

Jack goes over to Scrum, the pirate doing the recruiting, and throws him up against the wall while simultaneously hitting a bottle against a table to break it. He shoves the bottle under Scrum's chin to be threatening, but much to his dismay it's still intact. Jack gives the bartender an annoyed/confused look.

Bartender: Sorry, we switched to plastic. It's cheaper, see…

Jack: Well, do you have anything sharp?

The bartender looks around.

Bartender: Nothing I can lend you. Board of Health and all…

Scrum: Would you like my pocket knife?

Jack: Fine. I'll take it.

He steals Scrum's pocket knife and looks at it.

Jack: It doesn't even have a blade!

Scrum: Did I say there was? Won't the scissors work?

Jack: I saw this going differently in my head.

Jack shoves the semi-sharp mini-scissors under Scrum's chin.

Jack: I hear you're putting together a crew.

Scrum: Who, me?

Jack: Yes. You.

Scrum: Don't you mean Jack Sparrow?

Jack: I think I know what I mean.

Then Scrum gets a good look at Jack and recognizes his get-up.

Scrum: What's up with you? Are you some sort of imposter?

Jack: I don't suppose you know who I am.

Scrum: Don't you?

The sailors laugh at Jack. Jack makes the face of, "This guy's IQ has got to be less than absolute zero." Another sailor, who we'll call Derrick because the script does, comes out of a doorway.

Derrick: I'm sailing with Sparrow!

Jack: The heck you are.

Random Guy: Yeah, you're on land, moron!

Jack goes back into the doorway to confront the imposter. And to escape the stupidity.

Jack: Do you have any idea how long you can go to jail for identity theft?

The two Jack Sparrows pull out their swords to fight, but get caught up in the mirror game instead. Jack finally gets tired of it.

Jack: Enough.

Insert epic swordfight here. It's dark so it gets hard to tell who's who at some points.

Jack: Wait, which one am I? Am I the real Jack, or are you?

Imposter Jack: Does it matter?

Jack: Not really.

They fight some more and go up in the rafters. Jack has a mild attack of déjà vu.

To make a long story short, the imposter Jack does a cool sword move and then the real Jack realizes he knows this other person. It's a female, fortunately, because Jack smooches her.

Jack: Wait, take off the fake beard and we'll try that again.

Angelica peels off the fake beard and mustache, and Jack tries to dramatically take off her hat with his sword, but it's stuck. Finally he gives up and Angelica just takes the hat off.

Angelica: Still want your smooch?

Jack: No, I think we killed the moment.

Angelica: I almost killed you.

Jack: I was just being polite and letting you win.

Angelica: Whatever.

Jack: Why are you pretending to be me?

Angelica: Because everybody would know I wasn't Barbossa.

Jack: You couldv'e impersonated Will Turner.

Angelica: Who?

Jack: Never mind.

Jack pulls Angelica's shirt open.

Jack: That's better.

Angelica: Whatever. I've forgiven you, by the way.

Jack: What for?

Angelica: Because it's the decent thing to do.

Jack: No, I mean, what have I ever done that would possibly need forgiving?

Angelica just starts counting on her fingers.

Jack: Oh.

Angelica: Anyway, my sailors will put up with all sorts of peculiarities as long as they get paid. And since I'm supposed to be you, it'll at least be believable.

Jack: You're a peculiarity. Please tell me you're at least impersonating me as Captain.

Angelica: Duh. I have a ship. That makes me Captain.

Jack: I could use a ship.

Angelica: I hear you're going to the Fountain.

Jack: Don't change the subject.

Angelica: No, you don't change the subject. The Fountain of Youth.

Jack: Sure. What about it?

They get interrupted again when Scrum bursts unceremoniously into the room.

Scrum: What's red and armed and really ticked off?

Jack: Ugh, I hate riddles.

Angelica: It's not a riddle. The British are coming!

Jack: Now I wish it had been a riddle.

Jack and Angelica take out their swords while Scrum piles barrels, chairs, a table, and some golf clubs in front of the door.

Angelica: Jack, you're like a trouble magnet.

Jack: Not my fault everyone wants a piece of this, even some Royal fat dude!

Angelica: You're impossible.

Jack: I'm improbable.

Angelica: That does not work nearly as well out of context.

Random Guard: In the name of His Royal Excellency, Sir Reverend-Doctor George P. Augustus…

He continues to rattle off the King's entire paragraph of a title.

Jack: Angelica, we've got a few minutes, if you'd like to continue your rant.

Angelica: You bet I do! You seduced me and you used me and stole my innocence!

Jack: Lies. If you were so innocent, how did you know how to –

Angelica: Shut up. How did you even know how to open a chastity belt?

Jack: Is that what that was?

Scrum: Does anyone else feel nervous? Isn't it about time we ran away?

Random Guard: I'm going to count to three. OOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNEE…

Jack and Angelica hide. The door sort of shatters into splintery bits and Scrum runs away.

Random Guard: Hey, I wasn't done counting!

Less Random Guard: Well, I was done waiting.

Commence fighting.

Angelica: Jack, I know you failed statistics –

Jack: Did not! I invented statistics!

Angelica: Well, statistically, we're screwed!

Jack: Lies.

He starts stabbing the barrels. The barrels are full of bubble bath, so it spills everywhere and the floor gets all slippery and the guards start falling down. Jack and Angelica continue stabbing open barrels as they run away, until Jack gets distracted by one that's full of hot chocolate and tries to pick out all the marshmallows. Angelica drags him away.

Angelica: You're hopeless.

They get cornered by like sixty British guys.

Jack: Well, eff.

Angelica: Nope.

She stabs the magic lever and a trap door opens and they fall through it, into the river/ocean/puddle thing.

Jack: You really think I used you?

Angelica: No, I just felt like saying it. Heat of the moment sort of thing.

Jack: Oh.

They swim to a random dock that apparently doesn't appear on any British maps.

Angelica: So. What do you know about the Fountain?

Jack: Only the awesome parts. Like, about the silver chalices.

Angelica: What chalices?

Jack: Exactly. Oh, and the ritual.

Angelica: The ritual's not that awesome.

Jack: Oh, so you know about it?

Jack accidentally drinks some sleeping potion.

Angelica: Yep. We'll need a mermaid.

The sleeping potion is very potent and Jack plops over unconscious after like 2 seconds.

Scrum swims up from a random direction, out of breath.

Scrum: What did I miss? Anything important?

Angelica: How did you…? *sigh* Never mind.


Here you go! Your weekly update! Hope you liked it! :)