Zombies are For Realz
Chapter 4: And the Most Unexpected Occurs
"You aren't even listening are you?" Canadia frowned while hugging his bear thing again.
"Wha—nu uh, I totally was listening Canadia." Of course I was. I mean, sorta, but you know! I was too busy fitting more Hot Balls in Zombie Iggy's mouth. The past 45 minutes I got bored, okay? So I made seven more. I even made a new record by cramming four of 'em in there. He always did have a big mouth, if you know what I mean.
"...Yeah I get it; I'm never noticed anyway, so I guess it just doesn't matter. No one cares. I just feel so…angry. It's like no one ever sees me. Not even Kumi… Kumajaro?—um—I mean not even my polar bear knows my name. And he lives with me!" Canadia figured, acting all emo and stuff.
"Well dude, you don't know its name either." I compromised while trying to shove the fifth one in. I always remember Tony's name. And ma Whale.
"It's because they care about you." Canadia retorted all angsty. Jeez, he was trying to get me feeling all bad for him. And it was actually working. Curse his Canadian charms!
After that I felt all weird so we both just sat there. I even stopped cramming the Hot Balls in Zombie Iggy's mouth. I didn't know what else to say, okay? How are you supposed to respond to that? Sorry dude, and yeah I guess you're right, your life really does suck. So we had one big hell of an awkward silence until Canadia broke the ice.
"…So is this a good time to ask why England's tied to chair, and you're stuffing those disgusting Hostess snacks in his mouth?"
"Well I thought he'd get hungry." Zombies get hungry too guys, and why else would they be walkin' around making creepy zombie noises. Canadia really needs to touch up on his zombie logic skills like I have, by watching Zombieland. It's all true facts right there. "And hey! They're called Hot Balls Canadia. Get your facts right, because one day they'll be famous and even Martha Stewart would want to know my amazing recipe."
"Umm… Okay that's not weird at all." He sighed before continuing, "Anyway, shouldn't you at least clean him up? Or is this some kind of sick—"
"NO! Dude, I would never do anything bad to Zombie Iggy."
He raised a brow. "…Zombie Ig—what are you even talking about?"
"You heard me, Zombie Iggy would wake up and try to eat us and stuff, so I tied him to a chair." I told him a-matter-of-factly. It made total sense. Canadia's stupid if he can't get it. You don't just stand around waiting for a zombie to wake back up guys.
"Oh maple… Don't tell me you found him on the side of the road or something…"
"Nope! Actually, I found him stumbling around in Super Wal-Mart's' parking lot. So I punched him twice!" Like I said before guys, specifics are the way to go.
Canadia's face literally paled to the color of a ghost or something. "Oh my mapl—we need to get him to the hospital! What if he has internal bleeding! Or he's going through a chromatic coma? America you're officially an idiot! I bet he has an awful—"
"Dude, you can't just bring a zombie into a hospital, that just doesn't make sense. He'd bite them while they're operating him and turn them into zombies too. Trust me; I'm a professional when it comes to topics like these." I always wanted to say that, and to add to the effect I rested my hand on his shoulder. I felt like Doctor Phil or something! For realz yo!
"America, this is a big misunderstanding. He needs medical help," he said all breathily, as if he was trying not to hyperventilate.
"No he doesn't."
Canadia knocked my hand off his shoulder like a dick. "Yes, he does."
"Nu uh." I crossed my arms and pouted. I always get what I want when I pout. Or at least before England turned into a zombie I did.
"America!"
So it went on with the both of us fighting. Like before when Canadia wouldn't tell me why he wanted to see France so freakin' bad. Anyway, Canadia was being really annoying. He just doesn't want to get it.
"That's it America, I'm untying him. This is ridiculous!" He said all snippety.
I was going to yell back at Canadia until I noticed something awful, terrible even, and in the crisis yelled out, "NO CANADIA DON'T! IT'S NOT WORTH IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!"
"What is your problem?" He turned around to where my finger was pointing to see that Zombie Iggy woke up. And it wasn't a pretty sight, I'll tell y'all that. So, left with no other choice since Canadia was just so set on untying Zombie Iggy, I did what I thought was best under such circumstances.
"AHHHHHHHH—RUN AWAY CANADIA!" I threw one of the pillows off my couch at Zombie Iggy's head.
"What the—!" Canadia blubbered in surprise.
To make it worse, Zombie Iggy went all like, "MmmppphhhhhhhHHHH!" After that he looked like he was trying to catch his breath or something, because he started breathing real deep.
"He's choking, do something!" Canadia yelled. Err…sorta. "I knew I shouldn't have let you stuff all those stupid snacks in his mouth!"
He didn't even acknowledge that Zombie Iggy was there before, jeebs! "They're called Hot Balls Canadia! Get it right!" I yelled back.
"Ye-yeah, whatever! But do something quick!"
"What n-no, you do something!" Is he crazy or what? Tryin' to get me killed I swear. And no, my voice didn't crack; I was just, uh, confused.
"You're the hero right America? You know—everyone can ALWAYS count on you? R-right?" He did have a point. Heroes don't back down to a damsel in distress! In this case it's Zombie Iggy, but it still counts. So, in my heroic save, I crept behind Zombie Iggy and picked him slightly off his chair, while he was still tied down.
I pushed him up a little higher so I could do the Heimlich Maneuver on him. By the way, it was totally created by my people. The rest of the world thinks I'm so stupid, but if I was how come they couldn't figure out a way to stop someone from choking to death? I'm just proving the obvious guys.
I just went with situation, cause I couldn't put him in a standing position because it was too risky, ya know? So I started thrusting as hard as I could in his stomach. When that didn't work, I hit him as hard as I could at his back twice.
It seemed to do the trick, because the last Hot Ball splat out like pistol, and stuck to the side of my living room wall. When I looked back to see if he was still choking, there was gooey marshmallow all around his mouth and dress shirt. It was really gross.
A/N: AND THE PLOT THICKENS! Err… sort of. But y'all weren't excepting that huh? Well, next chapter will have even more action, so be prepared! 8D And wow, I can't believe I just wrote that. This is getting sort of cracky isn't it? At least I haven't lost my touch with this fic because after writing the first two chapters of my angsty one I was scared that I wouldn't be able to write America's PoV as well.
Also, I find it funny that my fics are completely different from eachother. xD One is about America being all depressed with his life and this one is about him chillin' out watching Zombieland genuinely believing that England's a zombie. Wow. Just wow.
Well, that's all for now folks! Next chapter may come out sooner (no promises xD) cause I feel like I'm on a roll as of now~
