Skulduggery made Valkyrie prepare the food. Well, if he was going to be perfectly honest, it was mostly him doing everything. She was just helping out. That girl was more likely to eat all the pizza dough than she was to roll it out, more likely to drop the sauce than spread it…
And speaking of sauce…
"Sorry, Skulduggery!" Valkyrie's voice sang at him with a laugh.
He looked down at himself, at his perfectly tailored white shirt. Or, not so white anymore. Right on the shoulder, where nothing used to have been seen but the crispest of seams, was a bright red splotch of tomato goo.
"My suit!" he cried, horrified, "What have you done to my suit?"
She giggled, waving the perpetuator, a wooden spoon, around as she did so. He reeled back from the line of fire, aghast. "It's not your suit, just that shirt!"
"This is the prime example of why we always order our pizza!"
"Good thing you took your suit off!" And he had, even before they'd started gathering the ingredients. That and his hat were now sitting neatly folded on the couch. Still, good clothes were good clothes, and any damage to his wardrobe was an unforgivable crime.
"I'll have to send this to Ghastly to get it repaired! The stains!"
She had a spot of tomato on her nose. He hadn't noticed it before. It was bright and red and distracting.
"Don't get your ribcage in a twist," she scolded, "It was an accident."
"Like hell it was! You ruined it on purpose!"
She shook her head, grinning so wide it should have been illegal. "Nope! Kinda wish I had now."
"Don't you dare." It was one of those few times where he really wished that he had a face. He could have glared at her hard enough to make her drop dead.
But her eyes had that mischievous gleam to them now, she was brandishing the spoon like it was a weapon. Skulduggery turned his attention towards the pizza pie, absolutely riddled with bumps, and then to the pile of grated cheese that lay on a cutting board to the side. Valkyrie, as it turned out, was a very peculiar pizza eater, and had a pile of turkey slices next to the cheese. But was there anything there that could be used as something to gain leverage over her? Probably, but Skulduggery didn't fancy getting his good shirt and pinstriped pants all dirty.
Just as he was about to settle on throwing the misshapen pile of dough, the sound of liquidy substances being hurled through the air caught his attention. Skulduggery whirled, ducked, was hit in the face with a glob of tomato sauce. Crimson dripped from his skull, droplets hitting his shirt, his totally ruined shirt.
He looked up. His infant of a partner stood with a smirk.
"Valkyrie Cain," he began slowly, "this will take forever to get out."
"Oops," she said, "You must be wanting revenge, then?"
He tilted his head. More tomato paste oozed out of his nose. "I am not getting into a food fight with you. That is not going to happen. I am not putting my façade on for this."
"That's a lot of negatives, Skulduggery. What's all this about having a food fight? It can just be a one time, you-get-me-back-for-messing-up-your-shirt kind of deal! And who said anything about putting your façade on? In fact, I like it better when you-"
Thwak.
Valkyrie pried the dough off her face. She was grinning. "Ack! That got in my mouth!"
She set the pie down on the countertop, kept her gaze locked on the very smug, very tomatoey skeleton, reached for the pot of sauce. Skulduggery watched her as her grin became a predatory smirk.
Really, though, if he was going to claim he had more than a single ounce of brains, he should have expected what came next.
Both Valkyrie and Skulduggery went to frenzy, snatching food items off of the counter and whipping it at each other. Skulduggery grabbed the bowl of cheese, dumped it over Valkyrie's head. She took the turkey and flung it at him. The meat stuck to his skull, but he didn't have time to peel it off.
He went for the fridge, flung open the doors. One canister of whipped cream later and Valkyrie had her hair coated with white. She shook her head vigorously, flung the substance everywhere.
"Skulduggery Pleasant!" Valkyrie shrieked, then ran to where the cereals were kept. "You are not getting away with that!" She grabbed one of the boxes, tore open the bag inside. She grinned wickedly.
Cheerios were somewhat less cheery when they were rattling down one's ribcage. He retaliated by smearing cake icing over her face, stuck a cherry on top of her whipped creamed hair. She smacked him in the arm with a banana. It hurt.
"What is it with you and that fruit?" he asked, yelling it loudly from across the room. They were circling each other around the kitchen island. Valkyrie was still holding her very effective weapon. Skulduggery had a jar of sprinkles in his right hand.
Valkyrie laughed, "Always bring a banana to a food fight!"
Skulduggery rushed at her. She let out a battle cry and jumped on to the counter. Skulduggery raised the sprinkle jar. Valkyrie grabbed another banana as she dived at him. Things were a bit of a blur for a while.
When the food fight ended, both Skulduggery and Valkyrie were coated in a dusting of flour, turkey, sauce, and a fair share of other unknown items. They were like the most eclectic cocktail ever. Valkyrie still had that cherry atop her head, a near perfect rendition of an ice cream sundae.
They were leaning against the cupboards, the kitchen an absolute disaster. Half the food in the house was gone, used up by the spontaneous wrath of two duelling mages. It was a miracle that they had even managed to get the pizza in the oven.
Valkyrie looked over at her partner. "Well, that was fun."
"It was something," he agreed, "It's just good that you're being fed in half an hour. I'm not sure how much I like you when you're low on food."
Valkyrie snorted, punched him in the arm. "Like you even knew how to make pizza! I had to teach you what the ingredients were!"
"Hey," he protested, "I'm 600 years old! Pizza wasn't even invented when I was human! Or, it might have been, I don't know." he crossed his arms. "And who was it that had to teach you how to properly use all the kitchen equipment. 'I don't know how to flatten dough'… honestly."
She pouted, "I'm not sure that's fair. My parents normally make this sort of stuff. Or we eat out!"
Skulduggery put his head back in reminiscence, sighing. "Back in my day, why our women used to be useful! Imagine! They actually knew how to use their own kitchen!"
"Oh the horrors of today!" Valkyrie exclaimed in mock offense
"Exactly. And the men never, ever helped with domestics. We had much more exciting things to do."
"Misogynist pig," she scowled playfully, "I bet that wasn't the case with most sorcerer women."
"No," he said, voice ebbing off. Eyes growing distant. "Not always."
She counted to five. "Skulduggery," she said.
"Yes, Valkyrie?"
"Is the pizza ready now?"
"No, Valkyrie."
"Can you make it ready?"
"No, Valkyrie."
"Not even with special magic stuff?"
He chuckled. "No, Valkyrie."
Her pout deepened. "What's the point of manipulating fire if you can't even use it to make a good pie?"
"Patience is a virtue, my dear."
"That's another virtue I don't have. And call me 'dear' again and I'll kick your ass to England."
"Yes, dear."
She gave a huff, crossed her arms. "I'll kick your ass later. I'm too hungry now."
Skulduggery nodded. "That would probably be wise. Never fight a battle on an empty stomach."
"Like you'd know."
"Just because I'm a skeleton doesn't mean I don't remember some things! And besides, Saracen's drilled this into me more times than I can count!"
She rolled her eyes. "I know, I know. You're a very special skeleton. I know this."
"You'd better. You can think about that next time you decide to ruin my suit."
Oh, well that was just unfair! "Then take the bloody thing off next time! It's not like you have anything to worry about! It's your spine and your ribs for heaven's sake!"
He just looked at her with an indiscernible expression and stood up. She rose after him, looked down at herself. "Ah, hell. I'm going to need another shower."
Skulduggery turned, looked at her, laughed. "Girls and their showers," he chuckled, "Better go grab one then! The pizza's almost ready!"
She began to dart up the stairs, but paused and whirled back to face him. He had followed her as she went to the living room, intending on putting away the DVDs.
"Skulduggery," she said, an odd expression on her face. "If you were really, really careful to keep your eyes shut, could you maybe just rinse me off here?"
There was a long hesitation on his part before he uttered a stubborn, "No."
"Please?"
"No."
She looked petulantly at him. "Pretty, pretty, with-a-cherry-on-top please?"
He tilted his head. "Go take a shower and hurry up. You've got 15 minutes until the oven timer goes off."
"Fine."
She ran up the stairs, down the hallway, to the guest bathroom. She couldn't use hers; there was still broken glass everywhere.
Downstairs, Skulduggery listened to the sound of running water. He used his own magic to rinse his bones.
Valkyrie came back down with her hair wrapped in a towel and a bathrobe around her body. She hadn't needed to shampoo again, but the soap had been a lovely thing to have. She had been glad to wash away the scent of tomato and turkey from her skin, glad to be able to bask in the heat of the water and relax. Lord, it had been a confusing day. Thank goodness for Skulduggery and their movie days.
She was finished cleaning herself by five minutes, and stayed in for another ten. It was only when she could smell baked cheese and bread that she decided it was probably time to get out and dry herself off.
Valkyrie marched right into the kitchen, slippers and bathrobe and all, only to come face to face with a pyjamaed, oven-mitt-wearing skeleton. Her jaw dropped. "Uh…uh…."
"Valkyrie!" exclaimed Skulduggery happily. "You're just in time for pizza!"
Her eyes grazed him up and down. "You… uh… those are some nice pyjamas you're wearing."
He tilted his head. "They're Gordon's old ones. Problem?"
Her brow furrowed. "I've never seen you in pyjamas."
"And now you have. Pizza's on the counter. I should warn you, it's hot."
"Good to know. You're wearing pyjamas."
He walked over to one of the drawers, took the mitts off, placed them in the drawer. "You seem very focused on that fact. Really, it's not such an absurd notion. I'm wearing pyjamas. They don't fit properly; they're your uncle's. My suit is covered in pizza ingredients, so I changed."
"I've never seen you in pyjamas. Do you always wear pyjamas?"
"Haven't since I was alive. Are you quite done?"
Valkyrie made her way over to the pizza, still staring. "I can't believe you're wearing pyjamas. They're even the same colour as your suit!"
He cocked his head to the side, glanced down at himself. "Not the same colour. My suit is a deeper indigo. This is navy."
Valkyrie went for a piece of pizza. It had already been cut in to triangles. She pulled her hand away with a yelp. "It's hot!"
"I told you that." Skulduggery said, coming over to examine her hands. He didn't need to, however; they were perfectly fine. "Weren't you listening?" he shook his head sadly, "You never listen to me"
"You were wearing pyjamas. I was a bit distracted."
"I'm glad my choice of attire has such an effect on you. I do try."
"I bet you do. Is there any way we can cool this down?"
Skulduggery held out his hands, "Here," he said, and Valkyrie felt a breeze travel near her ear. "Simple as that."
She reached for another slice, and this time it wasn't scalding. It was the perfect temperature. "Couldn't you have done this earlier?" she asked, her words muffled by cheese and crust. "As in, before I burned my hand?"
"You really should try to lower your expectations."
"Sorry. You know I'm grateful." She didn't know why she had to apologize, she just did.
"Yes, I'm aware."
"Good," she said, taking another bite, "This is some damn good pizza."
She was developing quite a mouth on her, she was. Valkyrie looked over to see Skulduggery fiddling with his collar. He couldn't manage to get it folded properly.
"I don't think I like pyjamas." He said. Valkyrie smiled.
AN- Filler chapter! Shameless Doctor Who reference, please tell me someone caught it. It was clear as day. I'm actually really sorry about this chapter here, I'm not entirely pleased with it. I know Skulduggery seems a little out of character, and I apologize for that. I have a feeling there's a reason for it, but he hasn't told me what it is yet.
To the amazing reviewer who asked for more Valduggery, this fluff should tie you over for a bit. They won't actually be 'together' for a while, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun with them!
