CHARMEDED 2.4: AND THE BEAT GOES ON

PRELUDE: HOLLY'S FACTS.

AS THE TITLE SCREEN FOR HOLLY'S FACTS APPEARS, THE MUSIC IS SUDDENLY SCRATCHED TO A STOP AND THE TITLE IS REMOVED TO REVEAL A BLUE SCREEN. THEN THE NEW TITLE 'SHANNEN'S SECRETS' IS SHOVED INTO IT'S PLACE. NEW, CREEPY MUSIC IS PLAYED.

THE TITLE DISAPPEARS TO SHOW SHANNEN SITTING LOOKING AT THE CAMERA.

SHANNEN: Hi and welcome to-
SONG: She's special, she's sweet, she shows secrets, it's Shannen's Secrets!
SHANNEN: Ha ha... yeah that was my theme tune sorry I forgot about that. You have no idea how long it took to record that - the singers kept getting tongue-tied. Anyway! Hi and welcome to Shannen's Secrets, the new piece to replace Holly's facts. Today on Shannen's secrets-
HOLLY(OS): Shannen learns that she really needs to work on her timing!
SHANNEN: What? How?

FADE TO THEME AND CREDITS.

SHANNEN(OS): Aw man...


SCENE 1:

PHOEBE IS SITTING IN A CHAIR, JUST CHILLIN', READING A PORTUGUESE DICTIONARY. COLE ENTERS.

COLE (singing): I hate Phoebe, tra la la I hate Phoebe-

HE SEES HER GLARING AT HIM.

COLE: Cates! Phoebe Cates!
PHOEBE: Good.

COLE EXITS. WE HEAR A SUDDEN BLAST OF MUSIC. THE SONG IS FENIX TX'S 'PHOEBE CATES' (download it to listen to how this is funny, I'm not writing the whole goddamn song!) AS THE CHORUS PLAYS.

PHOEBE: Aww someone wrote a song about me!
PRUE: WHATever.
PHOEBE: When did you enter the room? How the hell did you just appear out of nowhere?
PRUE: Um... new power?

PRUE BEGINS TO WALK AWAY, GRABBING HER SCRIPT AND INTENTLY READING IT.

PRUE: Dammit!

SHE EXITS.

PHOEBE: Okay...

PRUE ENTERS.

PRUE: See I got it right this time!
PHOEBE: Oh you got a wrong entrance. Ha! Idiot!
PRUE: Why you little-

PAUSE

PHOEBE: Why does no one ever finish that sentence?
PRUE: Dunno.

PIPER ENTERS.

PIPER(singing): Eeyeah! Prue-ooh-ooh-ohh how we love you. You're the queen of them all, the queen!
PRUE: And don't you forget it, you little wench-vixens!
PIPER: Oh! I didn't see you... um...

SHE LOOKS DECIDEDLY EMBARRASSED.

PHOEBE: That Prue Song(TM) is one of a kind.
PRUE: It sure is, it sure is.
PIPER: How come whenever anyone describes an Irish accent, they always call it 'lilting'?

PAUSE.

PHOEBE: Has anyone heard anything about Alyssa Milano's condition in hospital?
PIPER: No... has anyone heard from Leo? I haven't seen him for like a week and I'm scared he's sleeping with another woman. Or man.

PRUE LOOKS SHIFTY.

PIPER: Oh well...

LEO ORBS IN.

PIPER: Leo!

SHE THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM. COLE ENTERS.

LEO: Wonder why it's called 'orbing'. To orb... what a stupid-sounding thing to do.
COLE: Yup. To shimmer is so much cooler! I'm the shimmer king!
LEO: I wish I didn't have all this pent-up anger towards you or I might laugh.
PIPER: Where have you been?
LEO: Uh... not in Prue's room!
PIPER: Well duh! Prue's room is so disgusting even Prue won't go in there! I guess work called, right?
LEO: I guess you could call it a job.

PRUE GIGGLES.

PHOEBE: Is there something I'm missing here?
COLE: There's always something you're missing, you adorable little retard.
PHOEBE: Aww did you hear that? He said I was adorable. Let's have sex!
PRUE: Okay!
PHOEBE: Not you, silly billy!

PHOEBE AND COLE EXIT.

PHOEBE(OS): What's a penis? I heard Piper and Leo talking about problems Leo was having with his 'penis' and I don't know what it is.
LEO: Uhh... Prue, you didn't hear that.
PRUE: Hehehe.
PIPER: It's not a *problem*, just... a little... why am I even explaining it! Leo, I don't care what I catch, let's go have sex!
PRUE: Okay!
PIPER: Not you, retard!

LEO AND PIPER EXIT.

PIPER(OS): When's Prue gonna die I heard a rumour she's gonna die is she is she?
PRUE: Uhh... Prue, pretend you didn't hear that. It's not true, it's just a rumour. Wanna go have sex? Okay!

PAUSE.

PRUE: Yes, you Prue.

PRUE EXITS.


CLOSING THEME (GOD I HATE THAT CLOSING THEME... SO HOMO. OH WELL, IT'S OVER NOW)

VOICE OVER WOMAN: What the f*ck will happen next time on Charmeded?


***

PIPER: All right, that's it, I've had enough of seeing Prue in the morning - book me into a mental instiution cos I'm going crazy! Nyyahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

***

PHOEBE: How much do you think I'd make if I sold my body? For money?
COLE: About enough for a funsize pack of malteasers.
PHOEBE: What, a dime? One whole dime all for me? Wowee!

***

PRUE: What's brown and sticky? A stick!

***

PHOEBE: I can talk to squirrels!

***


VOICE OVER MAN: And all that ramshackle...ness is next time on Charmeded! Whoop-de-doo.