The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum
Episode 4: Jacuzzi Splot and Nice Holystone
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Chapter four already, and Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard are still squabbling over Afghanistan. Then again, Abbott went …. To the TORY Conference in Birmingham! I just hope it's not taxpayer money he's using… Anyways…
We are happy to assure you that the studios are equipped with heat sensors and sprinklers. You should know why.
Also, you'd realize that each installment is pretty bite-sized. There's a reason for this. Ome readers like it that way. It's easier for me as well.
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Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.
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Irish coffee in hand, Ennis powers up her HP Mini notebook.
*checks profile of her guests*
"Looks like we need to bring in some extra fire safety. Someone's a massive pyromaniac." Well. She'd have good reasons to, that wise lady from County Clare.
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Meanwhile, at Rooty Hill RSL, where the largest political battles in Australia are fought, two of its members, the opposition official in charge of PR, and recently featured for something… pretty different. He'd gone on some random SBS show – and ranted in a dozen languages, about the ruling party's this and that, about boat people, how the state premier was a tool, etc, etc, etc. And Ennis thought it'd be great to find out his views.
But just when she'd thought it would only be Jacuzzi coming along, he wanted to bring Nice along. Because Isaac could. Like last week. (But that was different!, Ennis protested.) (He didn't care a bit, that stubborn mule.)
Anyways, Ennis gulped down the rest of her now-cooled coffee, and packed up, jumped right straight into her red V8 Holden Caprice (really, a RED Comcar! Now that's rich…) and drove off… to get a fire extinguisher.
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"Hi there, honey. Firo here."
"Bring down the mini fire-extinguisher do Ultimo on your way to your interview with Afternoon Live… yeah."
"Isn't there one in your car?"
"Actually, no."
"All right then."
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"Your extinguisher, Ennis."
"Thanks."
"Why the extinguisher, by the way?"
"Didn't you see the adverts? Nice and Jacuzzi are coming along."
"Ah. Damn, they'd try to create a Bloody Sunday in Ultimo? Why don't you just call in the Garda for protection like now, just in case?"
"Your maternal Dublin freak-out Teflon-ist blood is showing." Ennis deadpanned.
"Yeah… whatever. Just be careful."
"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. I've been around 90 years and still going fine, so yeah."
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Rooty Hill RSL
"Hm, Nice, what do you need all that pocket-ammo for?"
"Everyone knows the national broadcaster is a sign of left-wing policy and is anathema to liberalism by feeding people government propaganda. And I don't care how absolutely nice the host is, it's just too bad. So there.
"I've got a bad feeling about this…"
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Studios Ultimo, Afternoon Live
"Well, as you can see, the Government of NSW is in a extremely precarious situation, and there are MPs quitting now and then. Thus, the Premier has called for the inclusion of new blood, people who are well-known for their views which fit in with the party. Like Peter Garett."
"Well, that's all and fair, but… a primary for the post of Premier in the party? Is this a spill motion?" the host, Sylvie Lumiere.
(random tweet – Ennis730: Now, we all know that Firo secretly wants to be Premier. ;) I can be first lady of NSW. ;p)
"Aw, come on, really. A spill motion – that's what the opposition does. We are having a backup plan, just in case the current premier quits."
"Ok, so it's like Alberta, where senators-in-waiting are elected – but not necessarily actually given the position?"
"Yes, that's about it, really."
"Thanks, Firo."
"You're welcome."
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7.30 Rapport…
"ANOTHER editor tells all about his dropping from News Ltd in a book gripping Australia, build-up to the NSW state elections building up to be a three-horse race, and Liberals backstage powerful members appear at the forefront…but for what reason? This is the 7.30 Rapport with Ennis O'Brien."
"First up, Eve Genoard spills all about her time as American correspondent for the News Ltd Aussie operations, and then for NY Post and Fox News, amongst others. We interview her in an exclusive."
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"Next, the NSW state elections seem headed for… a hung legislature, as neither ALP nor the LNP have a clear lead in the 2PP. Even resident persephologist Antony Green says that this will end up like the federal election just last year.
The Greens and the Sex Party have decided to form a Left alliance, and this battle seems to be between the Coalition, the new Left alliance, and the ALP. Shockingly, none have broke the 30% mark… with rather high votes for independents. We now present a overview put together by our journalists."
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"Finally, over the weekend, the Liberal PR manager of the NSW state elections, Jacuzzi Splot went on a diatribe at the Rooty Hill RSL against his similar numbers from ALP and the Greens, in a total of 12 different languages – even SBS had difficulties translating all of them. So what drives him?"
"And also, the conservatives are out in force again, with a march over the weekend starting from Port Macquarie to Sydney's Macquarie Street – and this looks interesting, seeing how they were armed with lighters. What's their background? Their leader, Nice Holystone is also coming to speak to us."
*cue Jacuzzi and Nice entering stage*
"Thank you for coming, Nice and Jacuzzi."
"Yes, thank you." Jacuzzi returned.
"Now, you entered a rant on the ALP's failures in NSW. Would you care to explain?"
"Basically, ….
THEY LIE! They promise the world and deliver next to nothing!
MENTONO! Essi promettono il mondo e consegnare quasi nulla!
ILS MENTENT! Ils promettent le monde et d'offrir à peu près rien!
QUE MENTIRA! Prometen el mundo y ofrecer casi nada!
SIE LÜGEN! Sie versprechen die Welt und liefern so gut wie nichts!
ZE LIEGEN! Ze beloven de wereld en leveren bijna niets!
EU BOD YN GORWEDD! Maent yn addo y byd ac yn darparu nesaf peth i ddim!
HỌ NÓI DỐI! Họ hứa hẹn với thế giới và cung cấp bên cạnh không có gì!
ОНИ ЛЕЖАТ! Они обещают мир и поставить рядом с ничего!
他们说谎!他们承诺的,根本都没有实现!
彼らは嘘!彼らは、世界を約束する、何もの隣にお届けします!
BRÉAG SIAD! gealltanas siad an domhan agus a sheachadadh in aice le rud ar bith!"
"So, you've just said, in 12 languages, that the ALP lied?" Ennis picked up almost EVERY line and realised he'd just repeated himself in 12 languages. It was pretty hilarious, really.
And just as Ennis was snickering, Nice pulled out a lighter and a mobile ammo... screaming "NOW! YOU DON'T INSULT MY HUBBY! NEVER! YOU LEFTWINGERS ARE ALL DEMAGOGUES! **********"
She'd almost lit the ammo when Ennis jumped off her seat, kicked out the ammo from her hand and with her glass of water, put out the flame, before delivering a falcon punch right to her abdomen.
Pretty much a bad move however, as a bag of kerosene broke, and Nice was about to strike a match when Ennis merely flicked away with her fingers, causing the lit match to merely land on the glasstop of the table.
The heat sensors activated, and left Jacuzzi and Nice drenched, while Ennis decamped backstage.
(twitter feed onscreen – FiroPCN: Talk about Jacuzzi jets.)
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Author's Note: This was pretty weird. Then again, so are Jacuzzi and Nice. Well, it's a bizarre day for me really, given that I had to give this writing workshop, and got my location changed 4, 5 times, sending me up and down the block. What hilarity.
Anyways, have a good and non-eventful day, and remember to review!
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Next guest: Graham Specter, from the Sex Party. And we promise nothing bizarre this time around. I'm sure Ennis is pretty much surprised with the sheer amount of action in what was supposed to be a primetime current affairs programme. At this rate, this really should be Afternoon Live. Or something. Yes We Canberra, even.
