This chapter is split between Olivia and Seth's POV's.

Many thanks to shepeppy for using her awesome beta skills on this chapter.

Anyone still there? LOL! Sorry for the delay. RL and computer problems and all of that. I won't keep you any longer up here. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

SM owns Twilight. Olivia is all mine.

Chapter 4 – I think I'm ready...

My mother always told me that you'd show up one day
So scared to feel this way

But love, I think I'm ready, ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready, ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready

I Think I'm Ready ~ Katy Perry

OPOV

I breathed a huge sigh as I locked the door behind me.

And then I freaked out a bit.

I... hugged... him.

My brain had trouble stringing the words together in that order. It was staggered and unnatural sounding. I didn't hug people - any people. Not even my parents. My mom and dad were not physically affectionate people. Not any kind of affectionate, really... but that was besides the point.

The point was, that I hugged a boy.

Except that he wasn't really a boy. There was no mistaking the fact that Seth was anything but a boy. His height, strong and well defined jaw, and wiry muscle underneath his shirt were anything but boy-like. He was definitely a man – and a very handsome one at that.

I inhaled sharply and deeply, and then felt my cheeks puff out as I exhaled in a large and heavy huff. My chest felt tight, my stomach was tied in knots, and my blood sped through my veins.

But that was nothing new. My blood sped through my veins all the time when I met men, especially ones as tall and muscular as Seth. But it was totally different this time...

Now that... that was the point.

I wandered on wooden legs into our small living room from the entrance, dropped my bag on the hardwood floor, and absently curled myself up in my favourite corner of our second hand couch, facing the window. I waited patiently as I felt the after effects of my body reacting to what I'd done. It was typical really. Shaky hands, speeding breath, a pounding heart, and all of the symptoms I'd felt since I walked in the door were things I'd felt a million times before in the presence of men like Seth. Their physical presence always loomed over and around me... stalking me like the ominous slither of a viper looking for a meal.

The first few times it happened I felt a bit dramatic thinking about my reactions this way. I knew the chances of getting attacked by a snake were rare, especially in Alaska of all places... but I wasn't really thinking about snakes. I was thinking about guys that acted like them. The more I thought about it, I actually became comfortable with this comparison, more so than any others I'd made. Snakes were cunning, they were fast, they left you stunned and helpless... and once you'd been caught in the grips of their jaws, the effects were brutal, sometimes deadly.

But... there was something missing this time during my interaction with Seth – something that made me somehow not want to put him in the same category as all of the other men I'd met. Snakes were cold blooded creatures. So, it only made sense that every time I ran into a potential viper, my blood would run cold in my skin. I always thought it was an appropriate reaction, and expected it each time. Including this one.

But it didn't happened.

As a matter of fact, it was exactly opposite. The entire time I was with Seth I felt at peace and comforted by an odd sense of warmth that I felt with him. It wasn't just his body temperature, which seemed to run a little hotter than the average person's, it was just – him. His hands were warm, his smile was warm, his personality was warm, and his eyes were the warmest thing of all. His eyes weren't like any others I'd ever seen. They were like melted dark chocolate –smooth, sweet, warm and inviting.

And the weirdest thing was, that for the first time in years, ever since I agreed to go out with... with Travis... I wanted to accept the invitation in someone's eyes. I wanted to hang out with him and get to know him and that... just... scared me. I didn't do the whole 'socializing thing' very well, if at all. Not with anyone, but especially not with guys. I could barely function around them... except for today... with Seth.

It's not that I didn't want to make friends with people, because I did. It just usually took me a long time to warm up to them, which, once again, was the complete opposite of what happened with Seth. I'd taken to his easy-going personality quickly and had a longer conversation with him at Spike's than I think I'd ever had with anyone before. I kept waiting to feel uncomfortable, for my nerves and anxiety to kick in, but they just didn't. As a matter of fact, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. He just kept asking me silly questions about myself... and I kept giving him answers. I didn't even have time to get nervous over what to ask him about, because I figured that I should find out the same things about him that he was asking of me.

And, surprisingly, it just... worked.

I didn't think that whatever happened with Seth was going to apply to other people, though. When his friend, Jake, approached us in the cafe, I immediately started feeling like I usually do. His friend was a really big guy, and he was sort of intimidating, standing there with his arms crossed, hovering over the table. I immediately shrank back into myself, curling up on the seat and moving a bit closer to the window, until Seth started introducing us and held my gaze. He seemed to be really relaxed and happy to introduce me to his friend, which made me feel like maybe my instincts about the large man towering over our table were wrong. And Seth looked at me the whole time, like he knew that I needed to focus on him, and not the tall, large, intimidating form of his friend.

I felt badly for reacting that way to his friend after that. Seth seemed like a nice guy, and I was assuming that his friend wasn't, just because he was a big guy – which probably wasn't the case. So, I swallowed what I could of my fears, and turned toward Jake, looking as close to his face as I could, without looking directly into his eyes, and told him it was nice to meet him. I stuttered and fumbled my way through it of course, but no one seemed to notice, and by the time I heard Jake return the comment I was staring into my tea taking a sip and trying to cover my smile. I knew neither one of them would understand the reason for it, but I was secretly really happy that I had been able to do that. It was far braver than anything I'd ever done after meeting any guy in the last three years.

Which made my reaction to Seth, and what I'd done to thank him, all the more incredible to me. I still wasn't sure why I'd just reached out and hugged him like that. The only thing I knew was that, at the time, it just felt – right.

The soft ringing of my phone at the bottom of my backpack brought me out of my silent musings. I sighed, thinking that it was probably Amber calling to let me know all about her date. I liked Amber, but I was a little upset that she stood me up. For all she knew I was sitting at Spike's for two hours, waiting for her by myself. I leaned over, unzipped the bag and took a quick glance at the call display.

Mom.

I quickly flipped it open and pressed the phone to my ear.

"Hi Mom," I said quietly and waited to hear the sound of her voice. It had been about a two weeks since we'd talked. I would have felt bad for it being so long, but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. My mom was always busy these days, working over time, taking care of my dad...

"Olivia," she said quietly in response. It was her typical greeting. No 'hi sweetie' or other affectionate greetings were used in my family. Like I said, my parents were not very affectionate people, even with their daughter. I knew it wasn't because they didn't love me, especially not with my mom, it was just the way they were.

"I didn't catch you in the middle of studying did I?" my mom asked. It was the same question she'd asked me both of the other times we'd talked since I moved out of the house and into the dorm. It was, of course, her natural assumption about what I'd be doing. It wasn't like she thought I'd be out with friends. She knew I didn't have many.

"No, Mom. I just got home from having coffee with a... friend," I said cautiously. I rolled the word friend around in my head and tried to attach to the image of the two of us sitting and having coffee at Spike's. We were certainly acting like friends, although we'd just met. And we were meeting up again tomorrow, to study... so I guessed it was okay to call Seth that.

"Oh," my mom said in return, "how is Amber?" she asked, automatically assuming that I was meeting with her. I couldn't blame her for it, really. Amber was the only friend I'd mentioned to her since I moved out here.

"Amber was on a date, actually. I met with someone else... to study," I told her quietly.

"Another friend from class?" she replied curiously.

I sighed quietly. My mom may not have been an affectionate person, but she made an effort to talk to me and get to know everything about me. She was my first and most constant friend. I felt a little weird admitting the day's strange events to her, but I decided to do it anyway, with just a few minor changes.

My mom and I didn't keep secrets. She'd always treated me like an adult and never hid anything from me to shelter me or protect me as a kid. She was always honest with me, and I was with her, too.

"No, actually. I – well..." I fumbled and blushed lightly even though there was no one around to see it.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves before continuing.

"I met a friend, who isn't in my class," I said quietly, "but offered to help me with my math because Amber was busy. He said he was pretty good at it..." I trailed off then, realizing that I'd just told my mom that I'd had coffee with a guy, when I said the word 'he'. I mentally kicked myself, because I knew she'd probably think it was something like a date, but it wasn't like that at all. I mean, who dated weird girls who stuttered and freaked out over nothing and were so shy they could barely look a guy in the eye?

Not a guy like Seth... I was pretty sure of that. He seemed way too kind and handsome and sweet not to have a million normal girls falling at his feet.

I stared at the floor with a pang of hurt stinging in my heart. I knew it was kind of silly to feel hurt, because as shy as I was and as scared as I was around most guys, it really didn't make sense for dating to be an issue. But, still... it wasn't like I didn't have the same dreams most girls had about meeting someone special and falling in love. It just wasn't really possible for someone like me because I could never be comfortable enough with a guy for any of that to become a reality.

I heard rustling and movement on the other end of the line. The soft click of a door alerted me to the fact that my mom had moved into another room of the house. She must have been near my dad. I silently thanked her for getting out of his earshot for whatever she was about to say next. We both knew that he would not be happy to overhear where this conversation was going.

"He, Olivia?" my mom asked with more than just a bit of surprise in her voice.

"Um, yeah, mom – he." I answered quietly, and then continued to explain before my mom could get the wrong impression, "I met him at work today, and he offered to help me study when Amber bailed on me for her date. He was really... nice... and so I – I said... yes. We just went to the cafe at the university."

I stopped there, figuring that I'd given her enough information for her to understand that I was not, in fact, on a date, I was just meeting with someone who offered to help me because Amber cancelled. I didn't tell her about Travis. That was one piece of information I knew was bound to make her upset, and she would definitely share it with my father, who would probably demand that I move back home immediately if he knew that he was anywhere near me.

And that was the last thing I wanted. I moved out for so many reasons... most of them centering around the fact that I needed to move on with my life. And I just couldn't do it living in a house with my father, and all of his rules, and reminders... and the guilt. I just... couldn't go back to that.

"So... is he a student at UAS?" my mom asked cautiously.

"Well, not yet," I answered honestly. Seth told me that he'd just spent the week in Alaska helping his friends move up here for school and that he was planning to check out the university tomorrow because he liked it here so much. He said if he could get in, he'd probably move up here himself.

"He was up here checking out the school," I answered "he might start in a few weeks, with the fall term."

"Oh," my mom said, and then paused. I waited for her to say more. I knew there was more coming, but, like me, she liked to have a minute to put her thoughts together before speaking about something important. And this... this was huge for me.

"And you were... okay, Olivia?"

I sighed and shook my head at the caution and surprise in her voice. I knew she was asking whether or not I was able to interact with him without freaking out.

"Yes," I whispered softly, still hardly able to believe it myself.

She cleared her throat a bit and took a deep breath.

"Good. That's good," she replied slowly.

"Yeah," I agreed, "it is."

There was another pause as I waited for her to continue the conversation.

"What's his name?"

Oh. That was a question I wasn't expecting. My mom seemed a bit apprehensive about asking, so I wondered if maybe she was as unsure about how to have this conversation as I was.

"Um... his name is Seth," I said and smiled. I don't know why, but something about saying his name out loud made a tiny bit of the warm feeling I felt when I was with him earlier return. I also knew that my mom would approve; it was a strong name with biblical origins, and that would be bound to make her happy.

"Well," my mom said quietly, "I think that's really nice, Olivia. Maybe he'll register at your school so that you can study together again, sometime."

For the second time in the conversation, I blushed. I didn't know why, but something about admitting to my mom that I had already made plans to study with him again made me feel a bit nervous... or overeager... or something. I wasn't sure what that other something was, I just knew that the combination of feelings made me flush from my neck to my hairline.

"Actually mom, he offered to help me again tomorrow," I said so quietly, it was barely a whisper. "And I accepted."

She sucked in a small gasp and let her breath out in a huff.

"You're meeting in public again, Olivia?" she asked quickly.

My smile from before faltered and my blush quickly faded as my skin paled, while I thought about the reason for her concern. I hated that having a simple conversation with my mom about meeting a guy to study, had to be clouded with apprehension. But I understood why it did. The last time I went anywhere alone with a guy, it ended... badly. I wasn't the only one who was afraid of something bad happening again... but I needed to move on, and I couldn't do it with constant reminders of why I needed to be cautious.

"Yes, mom," I said in a strained whisper, "at the same cafe, at a busy hour," I finished to reassure her. I was really hoping she would leave it at that.

She sighed in relief. "Good."

I suddenly felt really guilty for having to say that to my mom when I was talking about meeting with Seth. I realized that I didn't know him very well, and that my good impression of him might have been wrong... but for some reason he just didn't seem like any other guy I had ever met. He didn't seem like he could be cruel or hurtful or... forceful...

I cringed.

"How's dad?" I asked my mom quickly to change the subject.

She sighed deeply, this time in tired annoyance, before answering.

"He's fine, Olivia. His sermon today went well, and the benefit afterwards raised a lot of money for the church," she said weakly.

I noticed how drained she sounded. My father was a very busy man as the head vicar in a large Anglican church in our community. He was extremely dedicated to and involved in the community and was constantly finding ways to support charities and organizations to help people in need. To the Anglican people of the city of Juneau, my father was an amazingly generous and understanding man.

To his family, he was a busy man who lived for his job and his faith, and expected us to do the same. My mother did. She worked tirelessly to run every fundraiser, every social, and every event the church was involved in.

I... didn't. Not anymore.

"That's great, mom. Did you make enough for the new windows?" I asked, remembering that she mentioned the benefit was to raise money to replace some old stained glass windows that had fallen into disrepair over the years. I hated to see them replaced. They were gorgeous renditions of different important stories in the bible. Their colouring was vibrant, and the lines of each glass panel were delicately tailored to curve and bend in ways that most stained glass didn't.

I sighed, thinking about it. My father never did have an appreciation for anything artistic, and didn't want to hear what I had to say about it, even though I did. So despite the fact that I asked if the church could pay slightly more to have the stained glass repaired and not replaced, he was pulling them all out, and replacing them with standard windows in the spring.

"Yes," my mother answered, and left it at that. I was glad. I didn't feel like getting into a discussion about their replacement with her just then.

"Well, I'd better go," my mom said after a moment. "Your father and I will be up early tomorrow to visit the Colling's new baby boy and arrange the baptism."

"Okay," I said, feeling relieved that she didn't push the conversation about my father.

"Goodbye, Olivia."

"Bye, Mom."

After I hung up, I headed for the bathroom, and went through my nightly routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face, before climbing into bed with my sketchbook.

I took out my watercolour pencils, closed my eyes, and waited for inspiration. I'd done this almost every night for as long as I could remember. I'd always been a bit artistic. I loved poetry and music. I could sit for hours and draw or sketch. But my real passion was painting. That's why I liked to draw and sketch with watercolour pencil. If I really loved something I'd drawn, I could take a wet brush to it, and instantly bring it to life as paint.

Every night I would sit, and sketch my thoughts or feelings about the day I'd had. I'd close my eyes and wait for something important or inspiring that I'd come across to pop into my mind, and then I'd let my hands do the work of recording them on the page. My sketchbooks were like my journals. My entire life was captured in images between the pages of my little sketchbooks, stacked neatly on the shelf of my night table beside my bed.

That night... I sketched a pair of deep, inviting, chocolate brown eyes.

I worked quickly, getting the outline of the image down on paper with charcoal grey without trouble, before taking my time blending the colour to get it just right. The pair of eyes in question were darker than both of the browns in my pencil set, so I needed to darken them with a bit of black, but they held a very subtle undertone of deep red, like most browns do, so I had to work that one in as well.

It took me about an hour to finish, but once I was done, I stared back the eyes on the page, feeling satisfied. I took a minute to think about why I'd chosen to sketch his eyes and why that warm coloring was so important for me to get right – because it really was. Normally, I would have been happy to shade them in with a simple dark brown and call it a night. But dark brown didn't seem to cover it when it came to these eyes. They were special... different, like Seth.

I rolled my eyes at myself and shook my head.

Stop over analysing this, Olivia, my subconscious laughed out at me. You sound like a school girl with a crush.

I gasped, and dropped the book to my lap.

School girl with a crush. Is that what this is? Do I... have a crush, on Seth?

I felt my breath catch a bit as I thought it over. He was extremely handsome, there was no denying it. His golden toned tan skin, amazing smile, strong jaw and those incredible eyes were all very attractive features. You would have to be blind not to notice it. But it was more than that. I knew, better than most people did, that being attractive on the outside didn't necessarily mean someone was just as attractive on the inside. I learned that lesson the hard way.

But Seth was so sweet. It seemed really odd to attach an adjective like that to a large, strong guy like him, but it was true. He was really kind and patient with me and didn't seem to mind at all that I was practically crazy when he'd met me today. It didn't seem to bother him that I was so shy that I really didn't know how to carry on a conversation beyond a few necessary comments here and there, either. He was relaxed and actually... fun to talk with.

And I was really looking forward to doing it again.

Oh, wow, my subconscious piped up quietly, serious all of a sudden, it's true. You do have a crush on him.

I pulled in a deep, shaky breath, and then sighed, painfully.

A crush.

For the first time in forever, I had a crush.

This is scary, a small voice in the back of my head whispered.

I nodded into the empty night air around me and agreed with the little voice.

But, it's kind of nice, too, the voice responded contemplatively. It's... normal.

I smiled a small smile, because the voice was right again. It was nice... and it was normal.

And... he said I was pretty, the voice whispered. My breath caught in my throat as I remembered the comment Seth made about not letting pretty girls walk home alone in the dark. I was shocked, to say the least. I'd always thought I was kind of plain, except for maybe my bright blue eyes. I'd heard people comment that I could be pretty before, but it was always followed by, 'if you dressed a bit differently', 'if you weren't so shy', or 'if you wore your hair back more'. No one in my life had ever said I was pretty just the way I was.

Except for Seth.

I think he meant it, the voice said softly. I smiled and nodded again. I'd looked up at him when he said that, and his smile made him seem so sincere that I had no choice but to believe him. I remembered wishing that I could come up with some way to respond to that, but I really wasn't used to someone paying any attention to what I looked like, and didn't know what to say.

I think... my subconscious spoke again, softly, but firmly this time, I think it's time for a crush.

I swallowed thickly and agreed hesitantly, quietly admitting to myself that my subconscious was right. When I'd been upset over the last couple of years over not being able to do the things that normal girls seemed to be able to do, like date or go to the prom, my mom had always told me that someone, someday would come along and change my mind. And that I would know when the time was right to try...

Over the last little while I'd started to doubt that I would ever really be ready, and wondered if I should just give up, and stop hoping for things that were clearly out of my reach. I was just too scared... to try... anything.

I'm still scared, I told my subconscious quietly, and then waited for me to react. But I didn't. It was almost like I didn't want to react with fear – not to this. It was surprising and mysterious to me to feel so comfortable not being afraid of a man.

But my subconscious was right. It was nice to think about a handsome guy and wonder about things like crushes... and actually have it be a possibility. And if Seth actually meant what he said about thinking I was pretty, and if he was as sweet as he seemed... then maybe – just maybe – it was time.

Ok, I thought cautiously, trying my best to stay calm even though my heart was anything but... ok. I think I'm ready... really ready... to try.

Well, there we have it. Olivia is feeling apprehensive, but finding it very hard to resist the idea of giving things a try with Seth.

Just an FYI: Jake from Wicked Games has been nominated for a Sunflower Award for Best Jacob! If you'd like to vote for him please go here (and remove the spaces in the address) to do so: http : / / thesunflowerawards . blogspot . com / p / voting . html

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Thank you,

~Hitchy