A/N: This is the chapter that was supposed to be the one-shot. Unbelievable that it took 10,000 words to finally get here!
Only This
by Shimegami-chan
Chapter 4
As Haibara had predicted after the first morphine disaster, Conan's symptoms doubled in frequency and intensity, and to his dismay, Ran quickly became aware of his worsening condition and began to spend more and more time at the hospital. Kudo Yuusaku had also returned to Japan, and had taken time away from his work, though he rarely visited his son in the hospital.
Heiji, still staying at the Kudo house, strongly suspected that the mystery novelist was devoting his efforts to investigative work…gathering information about a certain Organization. Kudo Yuusaku had friends in Interpol and the same, if not better, deductive skills as his son, and Heiji admired how focused the man was on his secret project, rising at early hours and going to bed late, carefully concealing his activities from his wife.
Initially, Heiji had thought about telling the younger Kudo about his father's involvement in his very personal case, but decided against it in the end. Here was a man capable of solving this mystery if no one else could…and while his efforts might put Kudo's father in danger, if the Organization became aware of his probing, they would connect him only to the supposedly long-deceased Kudo Shinichi. A father with a knack for deductive reasoning looking into his son's sudden death - it wasn't that strange, especially considering the man's occupation.
Nevertheless, Heiji worried for Yuusaku's safety as well as his wife's (he'd grown quite attached to the personable woman and had recently upgraded her suffix from Yukiko-han to Neechan, which she found flattering) and resolved to become more involved in the case himself rather than tip Kudo off. Most of the time nowadays Conan was asleep (forcibly drugged - his mother had awarded decision-making over to the doctors after he withstood several attacks in front of her) or semi-conscious, and although Heiji made the same effort to stay with him as he had before, it was much more difficult now that Ran had become aware of the danger the young detective was in. Yukiko avoided Ran even when in disguise, and Haibara had to conceal her activities when the girl was around as well, which meant Heiji was usually the one present when Ran arrived each day from school, signalling silently that it was time for him to stop talking to "Kudo" and start talking to "Conan."
He had thus unfortunately taken to avoiding her as well, particularly when Conan was fully awake and unlikely to say anything he shouldn't. During these times, Heiji would wander around simply thinking, or go about any errands that needed to be done during daylight. He would check in with the Professor or call his own father back home, grill Otaki for information on activity in Osaka, study using the notes Kazuha e-mailed him each night…sometimes he even dipped into his savings and used some of the money he had earned from consulting to catch the bullet train home, just for the evening. He was always back on the following day, when he knew Kudo would be alone, to help him pass the house until Ran arrived.
When Ran was in the room with Conan, however, Heiji simply preferred to wander and try to clear all of these problems from his mind. Unlike his Tokyo counterpart, who never seemed to grow weary of pondering, Heiji was a man of action who became frustrated when things didn't happen quickly enough. He was tired of worrying, tired of the unchanging days and tired of feeling helpless and caught up in the elaborate web of lies that had closed over him the day he had arrived in the hospital and saw Kudo lying there, barely alive. He was tired of the whole situation, and though he knew that no change was better than change for the worse, he couldn't help wishing that they all could just escape from the whole mess. When he settled into the lounge chairs in the hospital waiting room and closed his eyes, he could stop thinking just for a few moments…and this was how he found himself there each afternoon, every afternoon at four, leaving Ran alone with their charge.
This was how on one rainy Thursday (why did all their problems happen on such dismal days, he later wondered?) as Heiji sat in the lobby armchairs with his baseball cap pulled down over his eyes, Conan confessed a secret to Ran…but not a secret she would ever have expected.
She knew that he had been having severe attacks, but she'd never borne witness to one since the day he'd first collapsed, being lucky enough to visit during the stabler parts of his days. On this particular afternoon he'd been simply listening quietly as Ran told him about her plans for the weekend and her day at school, her problems with her chemistry teacher and the crazy scheme Sonoko had come up with to make Makoto pay more attention to her. Conan had seemed interested in what she was saying, but after some time he started to breathe heavily and his face twitched as though he were trying to hide something he wanted to say.
"Are you all right?" Ran asked, noticing that he'd broken out in a fine sweat.
"Heh," he wheezed, one hand coming up to grasp at the fabric of his pyjamas. "I'll be okay, don't worry about it."
She nodded, but couldn't help being concerned. He was obviously in pain; how much she couldn't be sure, as his body had tensed but his face was stubbornly cheerful. Ran wondered if she should call the nurse.
She didn't have long to think it over, as his mask cracked within seconds and he had to gasp for breath, bringing her to her feet in a panic. "Conan-kun! What's wrong!"
"I'm…fine…"
"You are not!" Ran found the call button on the side of his bed before his hand could rise to halt her. His face was twisted in a grimace as he clutched his chest, heaving for breath.
Less than a moment later two nurses arrived and confirmed her suspicions. "He's having another attack," one said briskly, striding to the child's bed and placing a comforting hand on his arm.
"I've got it." The second nurse was already filling a syringe from a bottle. "Stand back, dear," she instructed Ran as she stepped in front of the highschooler and administered the drug to her young patient. Ran backed wordlessly into the wall.
Both nurses checked the instruments at Conan's bedside against information they carried on clipboards, marking notes and watching him carefully until the pain had subsided and he lay still again, breathing raggedly but much more calmly than before. Finally, the nurse who had entered first left the room without speaking, while the other lingered for a moment, observing Conan's movements.
"Is he…going to be all right?" Ran asked nervously.
"He'll be fine now," the nurse who had administered the injection replied kindly, holding one hand to the grade-schooler's forehead. "This happens a few times a day. Will you be staying with him, Miss?"
"Oh…yes, I suppose I will." Ran was surprised at this; she'd known he was having these problems still, but hadn't realized that they happened so often. Edogawa Fumiyo hadn't mentioned it…but then again, the woman seemed remarkably tight-lipped and usually left when Ran arrived. She'd seemed quite personable when they'd first met, so Ran supposed the stress of Conan being in the hospital had gotten to her. Ran wondered if there was anything else important that Conan's mother had neglected to tell her - she wouldn't have even known his condition was getting worse if it hadn't been for Hattori's big mouth.
"Oh, good." The nurse looked pleased. "Just press the call button if he has any other problems. Sometimes he's a bit violent after the needle, so if he needs a little something to calm him down, just let one of us know." She ruffled Conan's messy bangs. "I'm sure he'll be good for you, though."
After watching the nurse leave, carrying her tray of tools, Ran sat down and turned her attention back to the child in the bed. Something to calm him down? It's been so bad that he gets violent? That's more serious than I thought… Clasping Conan's hand in hers, she scooted the chair a little closer and sat forward. "Conan-kun? Are you…all right?"
He jerked at the sound of her voice and turned his head to meet her stare. His gaze was unfocused, distant…he seemed to look right through her, though he knew that she was there, because her name came out of his mouth in response. "Ran…"
His voice was strangely high-pitched, so much that she immediately began to worry that he was still in pain. "I'm here," she said, and squeezed his hand.
He squeezed back, but it was a weak gesture, barely a reassurance. "Ran…I'm dying…"
Her breath caught in her throat. The way he spoke her name sounded so serious, without the friendly -neechan to soften its harsh message. "Don't be silly," she whispered, her heart pounding in her ears. "You're going to be fine."
"I'm not," he said simply, still in that frightening intonation. "My heart is going to give out, no matter what they do. It could go any time. It could be today."
She frowned. Something about the halting way he spoke was simply wrong, combined with the strange pitch of his voice. Could it be that medication they just gave him? she wondered, trying to hide the confusion that kept trying to sneak onto her face. But he sounds so sad, so serious…he sounds more than ever like a child, but the words are something an adult might say…
"They don't know what's wrong," he continued matter-of-factly, and Ran knew that this at least was true. "And this will continue until…"
"Stop it," she begged, dropping his hand and springing to her feet. "Don't say such things! You sound like…like…"
He finished her sentence like a nail in a coffin. "Like Hattori did."
Again, pleasantries were done away with. Why? Ran wondered. When did 'Heiji-niichan' become 'Hattori' to him? "Conan-kun," she said gently, leaning in to check his forehead for a fever as the nurse had done, "You're probably tired, and the nurses gave you something to stop the pain, so I guess you're feeling a little woozy right now…"
"I feel like I've been freed of something. But I can't quite remember what." His eyes, still glassy from the effects of the medication and quickly filling with tears, found her hand. "I don't want to sleep. Don't bring them back…"
Her fingers stopped halfway to the call button. "Conan-kun…"
"I have something I need to tell you. It's very important," he said after a long pause, and she wiped the moisture away from his cheeks with her fingers. He seemed surprised at the gesture, as if he hadn't known the wetness was there, and then he caught her wrist weakly and held it, his face undergoing a half-dozen changes in expression. "You can't tell anyone I told you. Not Hattori or my parents…or Occhan or Sonoko…promise me, Ran."
"I promise," she whispered, aware that to pull away now was to destroy the secret he wanted to share with her. She didn't even dare speculate, though a million possibilities rushed through her mind, first and foremost…
No. It couldn't be that…
He brought his other hand up as well and clasped it round her wrist. She could feel him tremble - anxiety? Or pain? - and she tried to soothe him, laying her comforting grip over his. "Conan-kun?"
"Ran…" Again he exhaled her name, his eyes falling closed. The distant look in them frightened her, and she blinked back tears, unwilling to let him see that she was scared. His small fingers tightened on her wrist. "I don't know how much longer I have…and I wanted you to know…something I've been hiding from you for so long…"
"What is it?" she whispered.
He swallowed visibly and turned his head away, even though he couldn't see her through his closed eyes, and spoke again in that strange little-boy voice. "I…love you…"
Somehow, out of all the dark secrets she had been expecting him to confide, this was not among them, and the words hit her like a ton of bricks. "W-what?"
"I love you," he repeated, a little more strongly this time. "Not just that…I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time…and I couldn't tell you…"
Ran simply did not know how to respond. "Conan-kun…"
He flinched. "You like someone already…someone who's always far away…but I've been here all this time…and I won't take this secret to my grave... You had to know. I'm sorry. It's not...what you want to hear."
Deep breaths. "I…don't know what to say," she finally managed, aware that the confession must have been twice as hard for him as it was for her. "I don't know what to do."
He forced himself to sit up and look at her, and by now Ran could no longer hide the shock and dismay on her face. She had begun to cry, though she didn't even know herself why his secret made her feel like she'd been punched in the gut. He can't be serious! Maybe it's the medication…but he said that once before, didn't he? Back when I lost my memory…he said that to me as he risked his life…"I love you more than anything else."
I dismissed that, back then…but I can't dismiss this…not now…
She knew; she had always known, that Conan was smarter, more mature, more capable than boys even her own age. But did he know what 'love' really was? Did he truly feel the same way about her...the same way that she felt for Shinichi?
What if he did?
His wide blue eyes were still directed at the sheets, unwilling to meet hers. "I know this is unexpected and unwelcome. I understand that…but still, there's one thing I want, if you could...please..."
"What is it?" Ran's own voice sounded so hollow in her ears. His eyes…oh, Conan-kun, you look so serious and sad…how could this have happened? Can it really be true?
His left hand broke away from hers and came up to touch the side of her face, his small fingers smearing the tears that had trickled down her cheeks. "I just want you to forgive me."
It doesn't make sense, she thought, her thoughts and emotions still lagging several steps behind. Forgive him for what?
And then he leaned close and kissed her chastely, so gently that she barely registered his presence until their lips met. Abruptly Ran was yanked from her reverie and into a very tense situation; to flinch would be unbearable for him, but this was unthinkable, inexcusable…
But he was dying…or so he'd said…and he had asked…just this one thing? Was the one thing the kiss, or the plea for acceptance? She didn't pull away, though something inside her shrieked to do so, and she let him kiss her, her thoughts roiling.
My first kiss…and here I had hoped…
She didn't want to pretend it was Shinichi who was so gently holding his palm to her cheek, but when her eyes fell closed in response she could not help but wish it, wish that those I-love-yous had come from Shinichi himself, not from the boy who so resembled him. Even his scent is the same…it's just like I would have imagined it, but…
But it was not him. It was Conan, and the fact that she had enjoyed the contact for a brief second made it a thousand times worse when she came back to her senses. As they parted, she began to sob.
When he pulled away, he too was crying, and shaking hard. The tone of his voice was low and rough with emotion. "God, Ran, I…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I don't know what I was thinking…"
She was almost afraid to look at him, but she had to confirm it - the haziness had gone out of his eyes and his expression was one of horrified realization. He had come to his senses just as quickly as they had been lost. "Conan-kun…"
"You were never supposed to know." He looked frustrated at being unable to stop sniffling, drawing the sleeve of his pyjamas across his face over and over. "Never. I'm so sorry…"
Then it is true. She wiped away his tears with her handkerchief, aware of the guilt written on his face. Conan looked despondent now; so different from the false grin he'd been wearing all day, and so wretched that despite the turmoil her feelings were in she wanted to hug him until he smiled again. "No…it's fine. I'm glad you told me, and if…" She swallowed, unsure what to say about the kiss.
"You're not glad," he replied, as though he knew better than she did how she felt. "Forget everything I said. It was the medication talking, stupid drugs, if it hadn't been for my mother insisting that they give me all that morphine I wouldn't say such stupid things. I was just talking nonsense again…"
He sounded so desperate that she had no choice but to assume he was only trying to protect her feelings. Again. "Conan-kun…don't lie to me anymore. Please."
His face crumpled again. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I've really screwed things up now. If you hate me…" Though Ran couldn't know it, amid all those guilty, panicked thoughts, Conan was even more concerned with his biggest secret. What exactly did I tell her, while I was out of my head? She's still calling me Conan-kun…how much does she know?
Ran, of course, thought now that she knew everything, and she applied the hankie to her own face. "I promise, it's okay. I could never hate you…I love you too much. Maybe not the same way you love me, but I don't like to see you hurting, and I promise, anything I can do for you…anything at all…"
Conan's voice rose. "Ran-neechan…"
She pulled him into a tight hug, partially to soothe his fears, partially so that he could not see the pained expression on her face. "Just 'Ran,' if that's how you want it."
"Ran." The name caught in his throat. "I…"
"Shh." She closed her eyes and held him closer, feeling him tense as sharply as though he expected to be struck. "You don't need to say anything."
Slowly he returned the embrace, and after a long moment relaxed into it, his breathing steadying and his pulse returning to normal. It was quite some time, she thought, before Ran realized that he was no longer shaking; it was she who was trembling now, in the wake of the torrent of emotions that had blown through her in the past five minutes. She felt him breathe deeply, and suddenly their positions were reversed; Ran was no longer the comforter but the one being comforted, and Conan was on his knees now with his arms wrapped tightly around her, his small hands making soothing circles on her back.
Ran held back a gasping sob; it wasn't right of her to cry now, not after all that, she was the adult here…but there was his voice, a soft whisper in her ear, echoing her own words. "It's okay. You're going to be fine…"
"Conan-kun," she rasped, shocked at how weak her own voice sounded now, "you're not really…I mean…you are going to be okay…right?"
The movements of his hands slowed slightly and she felt his forehead rest against her shoulder, as though he were considering what to say. "Ran…"
"The truth," she pleaded, closing her eyes.
He hesitated, and then he turned his face away. "It's true. Everything I said…I think…all of it was the truth."
"No…"
Again she felt him breathe deep, and his grip tightened on her ever-so-slightly. "But it's okay, I swear…I was happy here with you…so you have to be strong now too, all right?"
It's not right! Ran thought. It's not fair! What's the good of all these doctors if they can't save a child? What's so wrong with that little body that it just can't sustain itself? He goes through all this pain, day after day, knowing that he won't make it? That it'll just get worse and worse until his heart gives out? God, if you really are out there, how can you let such a thing happen?
"Ran," he said gently, startling her a bit, "are you okay?"
"No!" she howled, and then she was clinging to him, unwilling to let go. "I forgive you! Just please don't leave me, Conan-kun, please…" Something inside her broke. "I promise not to tell anyone what you said or what we did…I would kiss you a thousand times over if it would make this go away…you just have to get better…somehow…"
"It's not that easy," he whispered, pulling away and moving down to face her so that their eyes met and their foreheads nearly touched. He lifted his hand to her cheek again, and once more that guilty look flitted across his face before disappearing as quickly as it came. "If only it were that easy…"
There was something else in his eyes now, something different, and abruptly Ran realized that he seemed more like Shinichi than ever. That astute look of acceptance, that steady resolve…Conan too possessed this strength, but rather than helping, it was hurting her more than Shinichi's absence. When he kissed me back then…for just a second…I was happy, because he reminds me so much of Shinichi…
I'm a terrible person, Ran thought desperately. And here I am letting Conan-kun comfort me after everything that happened…and acting so relieved that I said it was okay, that I forgave him…
So how am I supposed to forgive myself?
-to be continued…
