I am Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy.
I got myself that asari porn I was talking about, and I watched it. Not all of it, of course, as it seems that even asari porn bears similarities to human porn when it comes to a decent story (in that there isn't one). It was just a pair of asari girls, about Liara's age (I think, they could have been Matriarchs for all I know), and they were just talking on a bed, already in a state of undress, and then they just got naked, which didn't take long, and started messing around. It turns out asari sex involves a lot more rubbing than I'd anticipated. I thought I'd feel a lot things after watching it. I'd anticipated being incredibly disgusted or incredibly aroused, being turned off Liara completely or getting over my infatuation with her. I never anticipated that I just wouldn't give a shit. I mean, it was pretty sexy, and I was a little turned on by it, but other than that it did nothing. What a waste of creds! Not only that, but it was pretty embarrassing buying it, not to mention risky, and therefore stupid. I hope the asari who sold it to me didn't recognise me. That'd be a good thing for the galaxy to know, wouldn't it? 'The first human Spectre enjoys asari porn, read all about it!' I think the salesgirl was flirting with me, too. Why the fuck didn't they have sales terminals?
So I'm back to square one. I'm just going to have to ask her, tell her I'm interested and hopes she reciprocates. I don't want to put the poor girl on the spot and potentially humiliate her, but I'm all out of options.
I still can't help getting ahead of myself. I knew I was in severe trouble when I found myself thinking about a possible future with her. It's common knowledge that the asari can mate with other races, and that their genetics or whatever will be passed along to the little blue children, but the prospect of me being involved in such a thing never even crossed my mind. I've never been interested in having kids in any way. Maybe it's my maternal instinct catching up with me, but for the first time in my life I've started to get broody. I looked up pictures of asari children on the extranet, and they're the most adorable things I've ever seen. Yet again, I'm sounding like a little girl. I'm a God damn Alliance soldier. I'm an N7. Yet here I am daydreaming about settling down and having a couple of blue pups.
In regards to potential plans, they're going to have to wait until after Noveria. I've told Liara that we suspect her mother is there and she's pretty preoccupied with worrying about that. She says she hasn't got a fucking clue what Benezia's doing there. Well, she didn't say it like that, she has a far better vocabulary than me. I use swearing in lieu of auxiliaries (hey, maybe my vocab isn't as bad as I thought). I can't help but think that something is strange about all this. I can't get over the fact that the woman who raised this wonderful, sweet young girl is supposed to have betrayed the council and gone over to 'The Dark Side,' as it were. From what Liara's told me about her, they seem pretty different to each other, but it still doesn't sit well with me.
I'm also really not looking forward to it, and it's got nothing to do with the potential dangers. I'm assured enough in my own ability to deal with that, it's just that I can't see dealing with Benezia going very well. I know that I might have to put her down myself, and I can't see a possible future of even being a friend to Liara in that reality, let alone a lover.
This has to go down in history as the the most difficult situation anyone has ever been in. Ever. Ever ever ever.
For fuck's sake, I'm just not used to being this damn insecure, and I've never feared rejection. Sometimes I wish I'd never met her, that that cunt Udina had never pointed me in her direction. Then I realise that if I hadn't have rescued her, she'd likely be dead, and I can't deal with that. I can't deal with a galaxy that doesn't have a Dr Liara T'Soni, a universe in which she doesn't exist, or a life that doesn't involve her.
Fuck, I'm in trouble. Deep trouble. And worse than that I'm in love! Horrible, amazing, awful, beautiful love. I know that now having re-read the paragraph I've just written.
Well, that's it. There's only one thing for it. I'm getting fucking drunk. I'm going to see if I can borrow an IV bag off Chakwas, that should speed the process up.
