Over the summer Shawn took off. Angela hadn't agreed to get back together yet and Shawn really didn't have anywhere to live. He and Jack still had their father's trailer in their possession and Shawn felt he needed to get away. He had been living in a quiet depression for a while and he had to be alone.
He didn't know when he would get back and he didn't know how well his trip would go, but he knew he couldn't just sit around in Philadelphia. Cory tried to stop him of course, but he eventually got Cory to agree to let him leave if he called and checked in every so often.
He stopped in so many places all over the country. He even stopped over in California and spent a week with Jon and Melanie. He didn't stay too long. He liked being on the road by himself and he needed to keep moving. He had never been able to just be completely alone with none of his problems following him around. He was beginning to understand his place in the world.
His favorite spot was at a lake in West Virginia. It was a warm July evening and he could hear the crickets singing as he lay in the grass and stared at the stars. He felt so small, like nothing on the earth could possibly last forever. The good and the bad would all eventually end and he was only on this small planet for a moment. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He knew he needed to go home. He had to get rid of the trailer and stay with the people that loved him. He wasn't sure how long his peacefulness would last and he knew he would eventually become stressed again in life, but he had finally realized how important it was that he stays with his friends and his family that loved him.
He made it back home right before school started up again. Shawn was doing well. He wasn't really upset when Angela followed in Topanga's decision to be single, but Shawn was slightly nervous. Cory dragged him out to Pittsburg to try and fix the Lawrence's marriage, and they failed miserably. Cory did try. He was brilliant, but the marriage couldn't be fixed. Shawn was nervous because for the first time, Cory wasn't sure that he and Topanga would get back together.
Shawn stayed hopeful and eventually Topanga's parents did convince Topanga that just because their marriage failed, didn't mean that Cory and Topanga's love would fail. This was good news for Cory, but this new belief for Topanga, didn't translate for Angela.
Shawn and Angela didn't get back together until her father came for a visit in September. As it had turned out, Angela's mother had left her when she was little and she was nervous about being in a relationship. Shawn was slightly hurt that Angela hadn't shared such an important part of her life with him. She knew a lot about his past, but she kept such a big secret from him. He let it go though, there were still some things he hadn't shared too. He was just glad that they were back together. Everything was finally just as it was supposed to be.
November came quickly and it brought Cory and Topanga's wedding with it. Everyone was excited. It was about time that these two kids got married. What no one had expected though, was the fallout between Shawn and Cory.
Cory was driving Shawn insane and no one understood how hard it really was for Shawn. He had mentioned it briefly to the girls when he went into the apartment on the day of the wedding, but he didn't want to upset anyone. He wasn't handling Cory's wedding day very well.
He walked into the Matthews' home and heard Cory talking about how Shawn was sabotaging his wedding day. Shawn tried to explain himself. He was doing everything to try and make things work for the wedding, getting the cake, getting the rings, tying cans to the car, but nothing seemed to be getting done the way Cory wanted. Shawn hadn't even gotten to see Jon and Melanie yet and they had arrived yesterday.
"Shawn, what's really bothering you today?" Cory asked, trying not to sound insensitive.
"Cory, has it even occurred to you that this is the last day it's ever going to be just Cory and Shawn? You know, Shawn and Cory?"
Cory didn't know what to say. He had tried so hard to distract himself from thinking about how different things were going to be. He looked at the cans in his hand.
"Beans?"
"What's wrong with beans?" Shawn was slightly confused. He needed Cory to talk to him.
"Beans are not a wedding can. Beans do not say eternal love and happiness!"
Shawn shook his head and took Cory by the shoulders. "Cory, I'm trying to talk to you about this-"
"I don't want to talk about it right now."
Cory dropped the cans and refused to talk about it. He ignored Shawn's insistence that they talk and eventually Shawn told Cory to get a new best man. They continued to argue and in the end Shawn let it out that he wasn't even going to go to the wedding.
Shawn didn't know what to do. He really needed Cory to tell him that things were going to be okay. He needed Cory to assure him that nothing was going to change their friendship. Everyone was preparing for the wedding and he no longer had anything to do. He went back to his dorm and sat on his bed. He looked at Cory's things and started crying. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't stop himself. He knew he shouldn't be alone. He wanted to hurt himself. He hated himself for being so selfish. Here it was, his best friend's wedding day and he wasn't even going to be there. Instead he was going to hurt himself which he knew would also hurt his friends when they found out.
When he heard a knock at the door, he dried his eyes and opened the door. Jon Turner stood in the doorway and sighed.
"Come on, you can't miss this wedding."
Shawn left the door open as an invitation for Jon to enter as Shawn walked back to his bed. "He doesn't care. I'm just messing up his day and it's better to just stop pretending we're going to stay friends."
"Really Hunter?" Sometimes Jon didn't understand Shawn's way of thinking. "You and Cory have the greatest friendship I have ever seen between two people. He and Topanga have been together all your lives and it has never stopped you and Cory from having the stronger relationship and getting through everything."
Shawn put his hands in his pockets and thought about what Jon said. Amidst his thoughts, he realized that the wedding rings were in his pocket. He forgot he had them. In that moment he knew he had to go to the wedding. He could hate himself all he wanted, but he couldn't miss the wedding of his two best friends. The only people that he loved more than anything in the world were getting married and he had to be there.
Jon drove and they both arrived a bit late, but it was going to be okay. Jon snuck into the room unnoticed, but Shawn had to walk to the front. He walked into the wedding hall and saw Cory standing with Topanga at the front. They looked perfect together, just as they always had. He gave the rings to Cory and Cory apologized. Shawn was glad that it was all good again, but when he let it slip out that Cory should be sorry, everything became a mess. Cory and Shawn began to argue in front of everyone. He knew he shouldn't have come. He was screwing up the wedding just like he screwed up everything else in his life. He turned to leave.
"Have a wonderful life Cory."
Cory was furious that Shawn had come back only to cause a scene. "You too trailer trash!"
Shawn stopped in his tracks. He hated everything in his life that had brought him to this point. He hated his parents, he hated Cory; he hated himself. He turned and stared at Cory. He wished that Cory had left him on that bathroom floor all those years ago to die. He never understood why he was meant so much to these people and now the truth was finally out that Cory really did believe Shawn was useless trailer trash.
Shawn lost all control as he ran towards Cory and they tackled each other to the ground. Topanga and the girls backed away as the men rushed forward to pull the boys apart.
"Why don't you even care that we're not going to be friends anymore?" Shawn yelled as he tried not to cry.
"Why do you keep saying that? Why do you keep bringing that up?"
"Because you won't talk about it!"
"I don't wanna talk about it! Why do you think I've been sending you everywhere?"
"We have to talk about it!"
"I don't want to…"
Both boys were crying now as they stopped fighting against the men that were holding them back.
"We have to!"
"Now?"
"Cory, after you get married, things are gonna be different. And I don't have a lot of friends, ya know?" Everyone was quiet as they watched the boys work things through. Shawn hated that he was spilling his feelings in front of everyone like this.
He sat down on the small raised platform as Cory walked towards him. "Shawnie, I don't know what's gonna happen. What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know….do you really like her?"
"Yeah… I really do."
"Ya sure?"
Topanga walked over to the boys and bent down. "Shawn, I really think I've been very tolerant here."
Shawn smiled and looked at her, nodding. "Ok, marry her," he said to Cory.
"You're giving me your blessing?" Cory was glad that they had finally been able to talk.
"Yeah, well… ya gotta grow up sometime."
Shawn didn't leave Cory's side for most of the ceremony. Topanga said her vows and Shawn stood there, supporting Cory and Topanga, just like he always had.
At the reception he gave a wonderful speech. He knew things were changing, just the way they always were. He knew he couldn't hold on to Cory forever and that Topanga had to become Cory's new best friend. Everything was very difficult for Shawn. He didn't want to let their friendship change in the way it needed to. Cory had saved his life and been there for him through everything. He needed Cory to always be there and he loved Cory more than he loved himself. Even Topanga knew that he loved Cory more than she did. It was a running joke between the three of them. But Shawn wasn't sure he would be okay anymore.
Angela watched Shawn closely the rest of night. She could see the thin mask that he put up to hide how sad he really was about all of this. After they had to leave the wedding, they went back to Angela's apartment. They changed out of their wedding clothes and just lay on Angela's bed. Angela ran her hands through Shawn's hair slowly and watched him rest.
"Shawn honey, how are you feeling?"
Shawn was dreading when Angela would ask that question. He knew it was coming and he wasn't quite ready to talk about it. He closed his eyes and started crying.
Angela held him tightly and kissed his forehead. "It's alright baby."
She let him cry himself to sleep and she gently wiped the tears from his cheeks. She hoped he wouldn't spiral out of control.
The next day, Shawn woke up tired. He and Angela were supposed to have breakfast with Jon and Melanie, but he didn't feel rested. He looked at Angela as she slept and smiled. He was very lucky to have such an amazing girl. He felt bad that he had broken down, but he knew she wouldn't hold it against him. He sat up against the headboard, making sure not to wake Angela. He looked at his arms and ran his hand over the scars. He was comfortable wearing short sleeves around his family and friends, but he still didn't do it too often. Usually it was only if he was sleeping or hanging out at home. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hurt himself. He didn't feel the need to, but he noticed some of his earlier scars were fading and he didn't want them to disappear. He had such a love/hate relationship with his scars. He hated that they were so visible to everyone around him, but he loved having them for himself. He loved running his hands over the scars and feeling a kind of comfort from their texture and knowing that he had survived so much in life.
"Baby…Are you okay?" He hadn't even noticed that Angela had woken up.
"Hmmm? Uh, yeah," He looked over at her and kissed her cheek. "Just still tired I guess."
Angela was worried. She didn't like that he was being vague. "Shawn… I was thinking, maybe you should move in here… I mean, Cory and Topanga are going to be living together, so we're both in need of a roommate…" She watched for a reaction.
Shawn thought for a moment. "That makes sense actually… But are you sure…"
"Of course I am. We can start moving you in this afternoon if you want."
Shawn smiled and closed his eyes. "Alright, you should ask Rachel though. Make sure she's cool with it."
Angela smiled. She didn't want to leave Shawn alone. She knew him well and she knew he wasn't fine. She kissed him passionately before getting out of bed. "Do you still want to go out for breakfast with Mr. Turner?"
Shawn nodded and got up. They both went about their routine of getting ready and Shawn changed into the clothes he brought with him. Finally they walked out to the living room. Rachel was sitting on the couch reading the paper.
"Hey guys, how are you two?"
Shawn smiled and Angela took his hand.
"We're good," she said grabbing her keys from the counter. "We're going to go get some breakfast…but, um…we wanted to ask you, would it be alright if Shawn moved into Topanga's room?"
Rachel put down her paper and smiled. "Sure. I don't mind."
"Thanks Rach." Shawn smiled and opened the door for Angela. He knew he would eventually be okay again. But it was going to be a while.
After breakfast, Shawn gave Jon and Melanie a tour of campus while Angela went to clean out Topanga's bedroom at the apartment. Shawn was glad to have Jon around. They had a late lunch at the student union and talked more about what going on for the couple. They were thinking of having a kid soon and Melanie smiled and announced she was actually one month pregnant.
They guys were ecstatic and Shawn congratulated both of them. He knew Jon was going to be an amazing father. They spent a while talking about baby things and before they knew it, Shawn had to drive them to the airport for their 7 o' clock flight.
He congratulated them again and promised to call soon. He watched them leave and walked back to his car. He drove back to his dorm room and picked up some clothes and basic things he would need at the apartment. Angela had already told him he wasn't going to be staying by himself in the dorm anymore. They could move his stuff in gradually, but he needed to stay with her. He sat on his bed and looked around the room. His life would never be this way again. He would never have Cory as a roommate again and he mourned the loss of their childhood friendship. He knew they were still friends, but they lost a certain aspect of their friendship that he had never noticed until it was time to change. He felt the sudden urge to tear his skin open and he knew he had to leave. He grabbed his bag and walked out of the room, not looking back. He knew if he looked back he would walk into the room again and relapse worse than ever.
He drove back to the apartment in a slight daze. He was mainly disassociated. He didn't really connect with his own body, like he was sitting in the car watching himself drive. He parked his car at the apartment, turned off the car, and sat, staring out of the windshield. After about 5 minutes, he was moved back to reality by a knock on the driver's side window.
"Shawn? Why don't you come upstairs now, okay?"
He stared at Angela and nodded, grabbing his bag from the passenger seat before opening the door.
She took his hand and led him upstairs. He sat on the couch and put his bag on the floor.
Rachel could see that Shawn wasn't completely functional and nodded to Angela to let her know she would give them some space. As Rachel walked to her room, Angela sat next to Shawn on the couch and pulled him against her in a side hug.
"Shawn honey, I need you to talk to me. Can you tell me what's going on?"
Shawn blinked and took Angela's hand. He was beginning to regain control of his thoughts.
"I… I should let you know I feel like I might hurt myself. " He didn't want to scare her, but he wanted someone to know what was happening in his head.
Angela squeezed his hand and let him keep talking.
"It's always been Cory and Shawn or Shawn and Cory and now I just…" He didn't feel like he was explaining his thoughts properly. He paused before trying again. "Cory and Topanga have always been together. They've been in love for so long and it's never kept me and Cory apart… But now that he's married, we're never going to be as close as we used to be…"
Angela waited, trying to figure out what was best to say. "You and Cory will always be better friends than anyone. Shawn, there are certain things that people get out of best friends that they can't get out of a marriage. It's good that you and Cory won't have the same type of friendship that you've always had. You're not losing any part of your friendship; you're just getting a new aspect."
Shawn knew she was right, but it didn't make things hurt any less. He just hated not knowing what the future would bring. He had always hated that.
