Amanda wasn't wholly surprised to see Lee in her garden that night as she finished the evening's washing up. Somehow, she had a feeling in her bones he would stop by. Still, her heart caught and skipped a beat when she saw him flash a grin and lift an eyebrow in invitation to join him outside. She gave a quick and cautious glance behind her, but her whole family was upstairs.
She eased out the kitchen door and gently closed it behind her before walking on silent feet into the dark recesses of the garden to join Lee. She slipped her hands in her jeans pockets to keep herself from touching him just to reassure herself that he was alive, unhurt and with her this evening.
"Hey there…" she whispered, her voice cracking slightly.
"Hi…uh,…I just wanted to make sure you were really OK….That was quite a weekend." Lee gazed down at her face, just to reassure himself that she had made it through this latest adventure fully intact.
She shrugged and smiled in her usual self-deprecating way. "Well, it was interesting!….I never imagined being Francine's roommate, after all." Her mobile face became more serious and intent. "But what about you, with all the reports and interviews this afternoon, I never found out what really happened to you out there…Are you OK?" Against her own volition, her left hand reached out to touch his chest, but then she drew it back sharply to finger the top buttons of her blouse. Her eyes fell to the ground as she felt awkward in the moment.
"Yeah…well, like I told you and Francine this morning; I just had a sense that something was going down wrong. Somehow, I just knew I was being played….Rosado sent me on an errand and I just had a bad feeling. I drove like a bat out of hell once I got out of there and ditched the truck as fast as I could. Good thing, it had been rigged with an explosive. But, hey, since they thought they had gotten rid of me, they were sure surprised when I came back to bust up their operation." He smiled with grim satisfaction.
Amanda knew that look - it reflected one of the many facets that made up Lee. She loved them all, the vulnerable boy; the charming rogue; the loyal colleague; and yes, even the lethal agent. She rested her hand on his forearm in gentle commiseration. "I have a feeling this one was harder on you than you're letting on."
Amanda always saw through him, he realized without surprise. He could feel some of the tension leaving his shoulders. If he were honest with himself; he would admit that he didn't come here this evening to check to see if she was all-right; but because she made him feel all-right once again.
He let out a forceful breath, followed by a short laugh virtually devoid of humor. He looked up at the night sky; he couldn't face her empathy directly. "I just feel filthy," he admitted. "Whenever I have to go undercover with these losers and scum; I feel like I'm losing a part of myself. I don't know…it didn't used to bother me…" his voice trailed off.
"I don't think so, Lee" Amanda finished for him. "I think it probably always bothered you. It's just that you've seen so much more of it over the years. Thank God it does affect you, doesn't that just show the decency at the core of you?" She reasoned and smiled reassuringly, "I haven't seen you becoming a 'loser' or 'scum', but if I do, I'll be the first to let you know," her laugh was low and intimate in the quiet night that surrounded them. "Lee, honestly," she cupped his cheek in her palm to force him to look her in the eye, "you are one of the most decent men I have ever known."
Lee's breath shuddered out in relief at the benediction he found in her eyes. How had he functioned without Amanda? God, what would he do if he ever lost her? He wanted her, but he didn't really deserve her; he knew that. Look at his track record; fidelity and longevity were not his strong suits in relationships. And Amanda deserved more….she deserved so much more than she had already had in Joe. Gazing down at the trust and faith in her eyes; he wished he felt he deserved it. He wished he knew he could be what she needed; but he couldn't. No matter how much he wanted it.
Amanda's eyes searched his, wondering why he suddenly looked so vulnerable and forlorn. What had she said wrong? "Lee?! What is it?" she asked urgently.
He shook his head, almost as if to clear it. He didn't know how to say what he knew needed to be said. He took a step back, because he couldn't be touching her and keep his wits about him.
"M-o-m," Jaime's voice rang out from an upstairs window. "Telephone." Amanda turned to look toward the house. "It's that guy from Scotland, again."
"Tell him I'll call him back lat…," she turned back to find that Lee had already disappeared, "er…." she finished. "Ooh!" She planted her fists on her hips. "That man has the worst manners." How could he have walked out on the discussion they were having? How could he have thought she would?
Amanda quietly despaired of their ever finding common ground. After all, love - especially if it was one-sided, could only take them so far. Regretfully scanning her suburban yard and her own casual garb she had to acknowledge to herself with finality that they really did have nothing in common. Lee Stetson would never go for a normal woman like her.
--
When Jaime said that Ian Fraser was calling Amanda; Lee felt like a bitter knife had been inserted between his ribs. He couldn't stay and put a good face on it. Not tonight. Not when his soul already felt stripped to tatters. He vaulted the picket fence and made his way to the side street on which he had parked his silver sports car.
Resignation and common sense told him it was a good thing that Ian was calling Amanda. Hadn't he just been about to tell her why he could never be what she needed? Ian was everything that he was not. Had his wife Fiona lived, he would have been her loyal husband to this day. Ian was probably everything that Amanda needed instead.
But even deeper, the less rational side of Lee felt a flash of jealous pain. He hadn't realized Amanda was keeping such close contact with the Scottish MI 5 agent. After all, Jaime had said 'the Scottish guy" was on the phone "again." Well, then, screw it. Amanda wasn't going to be the one for him - she had men on a string waiting for her. She would be just fine…and he would be fine without her.
Hey…maybe it wasn't even Amanda. Maybe he was just ready for a different kind of woman; someone a little….deeper. Instead of dating another bottle blonde from the steno pool, he could ask out someone who had a life - a teacher or a librarian. Come to think of it; hadn't there been that interpreter he met at an embassy party? What was her name? Lana….Laura….Lena…No! It was Leslie. Fine. He'd call Leslie when he got home.
His rational mind had a solution, and a good one. He should be feeling better. His heart, though, was still twisting in the wind at the thought of Amanda twirling a telephone cord around her fingers as she chatted with Ian -- a smile on her lips. He amputated that thought at the knees.
If he had any skill in the world, Lee was particularly practiced at silencing his inconvenient heart.
