Title: Puckzilla Is Decisive and Romantic
Rating: PG-13
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt, Puckzilla.
Genre: Comedy/Crack
Warning: Total crack. Implied sexual imagery, a tiny bit of swearing.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: I don't own it and I'm not making any money from it, this is pure entertainment and not intended to offend.
Notes: The full name of this installment is actually "Puckzilla is Decisive and Romantic, Which Are Totally Desirable Qualities", but that seemed a little long. Also, the 'yes' has it. So beware. From here there be lurking romance.
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Puckzilla had spent a lot of time observing humans. He was old, the last of his kind. It didn't show, because he looked damn freakin' good for his age, but he'd been around for a long, long time. In that time the mating rituals of humans didn't seem to have changed much. The physically dominant, most often male, partner would woo their intended with gifts and praise... often getting shot down in the process until they were trained to act the way the less physically dominant partner wanted them to. Exceptions persisted, but since Kurt hadn't been given to him by a parent or other human authority figure Puckzilla clearly had to just work at it until he got it right.
Traditional gifts seemed to include flowers, things that sparkled, and sweet foods.
Lucky for him he had an entire forest full of flowers at his disposal.
.
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When Kurt woke up that morning it was to a sweet smell and the sound of a couple of lone bees buzzing back and forth. He stretched, surprised to note that he was alone on the ledge for the first time since being kidnapped, and opened his eyes to see an entire azalea bush six inches from his face.
Surprised, Kurt sat up and examined the bush, which seemed to have been plucked right from the ground and deposited next to him some time before he woke up. Puzzled, he frowned at the bush, trying to figure out why on earth it would be there. Two dazed looking bees buzzing around the top of the bush circled around unhelpfully. He almost thought he'd be less shocked if they were helpful.
Kurt shook his head and edged his way off the ledge. He headed straight for the espresso counter to make himself a coffee with the remaining supplies. He'd have to find some way to get Puckzilla to go and get him milk, and possibly more pastries. The few left in the case were too stale to bother with now.
He contemplated the bush as he waited for the espresso to pour.
It was a puzzling new development and, oddly enough, so was waking up alone. Was this Puckzilla's bizarre way of saying 'sorry I can't be your heater this morning'? Kurt sipped coffee and watched the traumatised bees, slowly coming to a decision about what to do with the plant. It was a relatively small bush, it still had most of its roots, he could move it to the mouth of the cave and plant it there. Hopefully the poor thing wouldn't die.
Sparing a thought for his poor hands that had gone unmoisturised for days now, Kurt finished his coffee and put the cup aside for washing. He rolled up his sleeves, sighed, and gingerly picked up the azalea bush. He hoped the bees wouldn't decide to sting him for moving it. An hour and a lot of dirt later Kurt sat back on his heels to survey his work. He had just used his coffee cup to ferry water to the newly replanted bush, theorising that caffeine couldn't do much more harm to it at this point. His hands were covered in dirt, grit under his fingernails, but he felt a small sense of accomplishment. Now he wasn't the only small, brightly coloured thing living in Puckzilla's cave.
Kurt washed off the dirt in the cave pool, then went outside to sit in the sun and wait for Puckzilla's return.
The lizard-man returned a short time later and actually seemed surprised to see the azalea bush planted outside the cave entrance. He paused, head cocked to the side. Regarded Kurt with an odd look on his face.
Unruffled, Kurt looked up (and up) at Puckzilla, shading his eyes against the morning sun. "I thought I'd start a garden. Since you kindly shoved a bush under my nose while I was sleeping. Also, that bush had bees. I'm not impressed."
Puckzilla huffed and ducked inside the cave.
Kurt just shook his head. If the Puck-creature hadn't wanted him to plant the thing he shouldn't have left the roots on it.
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It was a regular enough occurrence that the employee training manual actually had a heading for 'Puckzilla Attack'. Being a shop at the base of Mount Fuji was both very profitable and very dangerous, usually in that order. Lucky for them, Puckzilla seemed to avoid rampaging during the tourist season.
Which was why it was very unusual to suddenly hear panicked cries of 'Puckzilla!' at quarter to ten in the morning in the middle of a perfect, cloudless day while tourists milled about waiting for their guided tours to begin. The first step of shop protocol was to double-check that Puckzilla was actually on the way and it wasn't just some asshole shouting his name to scare people. The two girls on counter duty that day had a very quick scuffle over which one of them should stick their head outside to look.
As it turned out it was not just some asshole screaming to scare people.
The feared Puckzilla was indeed in the square and headed straight for the nearest building while people fled in all directions from the coming destruction. Tourists stood in shocked clusters or shrieked as they ran like hell towards the shuttle station and their escape. Puckzilla paid them no mind and instead chose to prise part of the roof from a nearby store.
The giant creature peered into the hole and frowned. One large, terrible hand reached in and picked something up.
Then the creature turned right around and started walking in the opposite direction, away from the square and back up the mountain. Baffled at the lack of widespread destruction, the gift shop girls looked at each other.
"Has that ever happened before?"
"What did he take? Hey!" The girl stuck her head out of the door to yell across the square to the shop with the damaged roof. "What did he take!"
There was a long pause, then finally a middle aged man in a blue apron and hat poked his head out of the window to shout back; "Candy!" He looked just as confused as everyone else.
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Kurt was washing his clothes in the cave pool when Puckzilla returned, triumphant, from whatever errand he'd been out on. The human barely spared him a glance, simply saying over his shoulder; "You might consider taking me with you at some point. It's getting really boring just sitting here all day until I eventually get rescued. A little variety now and then wouldn't hurt."
He rinsed out his jacket and stood to drape it over a makeshift a-frame that he'd sacrificed two ties, a pair of socks, and a scarf to make using thin branches from the surrounding woodland. It was rustic, sort of lopsided, but it was something he could dry his clothes on without worrying about moss or dirt. That done, Kurt turned around to face the other occupant of the cave, coming up short when he realised that Puckzilla was closer than he'd thought.
Kurt looked up at the lizard-creature, one eyebrow arched.
He was not expecting the sudden rain of small, individually wrapped candies. A small green package hit him on the nose, a few other pattering against his shoulders and the top of his head. The rest scattered around him, rolling in all directions across the cave floor. Puckzilla looked down at him expectantly.
"I have no idea," Kurt told him dryly, plucking an errant candy-piece from his hair (green tea flavoured, apparently), "what you thought that would accomplish."
Puckzilla growled, actually throwing his hands up in frustration, tail whipping about behind him.
"Are you trying to sweeten me up for some horrible and sinister reason?"
Kurt could swear he heard the creature mutter 'fuck my ancestors' before Puckzilla stomped off to sit on a ledge too high up for Kurt to climb onto. He shook his head and carefully opened the individually wrapped piece of candy. May as well try new things, he thought to himself dryly. Yesterday it was azalea plants, today it's green tea candy. Kurt had no idea what Puckzilla was up to.
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Puckzilla sat on the highest ledge in the cave, glaring down at the annoyingly, exasperatingly intriguing creature that was Kurt Hummel. Human courtship rituals were clearly nothing more than a big waste of time, not if Kurt didn't even recognise the gestures for what they were. It occurred to Puckzilla that Kurt's culture might be different – in the first couple of days he'd made frequent reference to 'America', which Puckzilla could only assume was the place Kurt came from. It could be that Americans did things differently.
Frustrated, he wished it were as easy to court humans as it was to court members of his own species. If there had actually been any of them still alive, that is.
Puckzilla had one other idea to try. And if that didn't work then dammit, he was going to have to resort to pantomime. Or possibly stealing Kurt's clothes while he was bathing.
It was around when Kurt would have called dinner time when he found himself suddenly hoisted into the air. He was getting used to being picked up and moved about, so he didn't start feeling nervous until he was dropped down onto Puckzilla's shoulder, draped across the warm green skin like a sack of potatoes. Kurt barely had enough time to register that this was the exact same way he'd been carried up the mountain in the first place before Puckzilla was moving.
Kurt stayed where he was and resisted the urge to squirm, afraid of losing his balance until he felt a hand placed across his back to keep him steady. "Ok," Kurt said, watching the ground (and the swaying green tail that curved from Puckzilla's back) as the lizard-man carried him further up the mountain. "I recognise that this is my fault. I said I wanted to come with you and clearly you're taking me somewhere so I can only assume you listened... But, just as a point of interest, where exactly are we going?"
Puckzilla answered him with a few syllables that sounded a lot like "rrrrrffffffgrrraaarrarr", which wasn't a lot of help.
Kurt just sighed and resigned himself to watching Puckzilla's tail for however long it took them to get wherever it was they were going. A few short minutes later they reached something like a plateau literally carved into the side of the mountain. Large, careful hands picked him up again and for a moment or two Kurt found himself too awestruck to even breathe.
For those few moments it felt like flying. The view from the plateau stretched on for miles in almost every direction, past where the green of nature turned into the shining grey of the cityscape and into the bay. They were so high up here and it wasn't even the mountain summit. He'd never really understood what people meant about a view being breathtaking until that moment.
Puckzilla lowered Kurt to the ground and sat down on the ground behind him, looking out at the landscape where the sky was beginning to get dark.
Kurt stood where he was for what felt like a long time, drinking in the details. If he were a better artist he would have wanted to paint that view. Eventually he turned back to look at his silent companion and noticed something about the plateau he'd been too preoccupied to see before.
Behind Puckzilla were massive sentinels carved into the mountain rocks, four of them equally spaced along the breadth of the man-made (creature made? It seemed impossible that people would have come so far off the beaten track) ledge. Slightly larger than life-sized representations of creatures that looked remarkably like the lizard-man sitting before him. Kurt wasn't so dense as to think Puckzilla had been the one to carve them.
"I never asked about your family," Kurt breathed. "I just assumed..."
That Puckzilla was the only one. And he was. It's just that now Kurt was realising that he hadn't always been. Without thinking, Kurt reached out and lay his hand against a green-skinned knee. Of his own accord he climbed onto Puckzilla's leg and sat there on his thigh. Lonely monster indeed, he thought.
And then something about the creature's odd behaviour clicked.
"Oh." Kurt blinked. "Oh no." He looked up into Puckzilla's face. "I am not going to sleep with you."
Puckzilla gave him a look, mouth twisting into a smirk.
"I mean sexually," Kurt clarified. Puckzilla's smirk remained and Kurt found himself blushing, his face getting so hot he felt like it could light fires. "Anyway. It's physiologically impossible. There's no possible way it would work."
Kurt didn't like the way his brain automatically tried to prove that statement by running through a variety of increasingly more ridiculous scenarios. It wasn't as if Puckzilla was that big, though clearly big enough that penetration would be totally impossible and oh my god, brain. Would you please stop with the mental images? Kurt covered his face with his hands and tried to ignore Puckzilla's smirking face.
It would have been a lot easier to ignore him entirely if he hadn't started petting Kurt's hair.
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Puckzilla watched Kurt's embarrassed reaction with glee, feeling particularly smug. The small, now-very-pink human had not protested nearly as firmly as if he really didn't want Puckzilla making any sort of advances. Now that Kurt had finally caught on it was clearly an issue of both size and species. There would be limitations, obviously, but Puckzilla was willing to work around them.
Kurt would eventually realise that Puckzilla would make an incredibly awesome partner. Until then...
He'd just have to slowly seduce the human until he came around.
