It was a relief to pull up beside the kerb. Casey switched off the ignition and leaned forward against the steering wheel, her folded arms resting against the black leather and her forehead resting on her arms.
Almost immediately, her phone rang.
"Are you there yet?" Derek asked with impatience. Casey leaned back and rolled her eyes.
"Yes. I just got here."
"What took you so long?"
"Well, quite apart from the irritating phone-calls I kept receiving from my annoying b…est friend every half an hour, the traffic was awful, and at one point I fell asleep."
"While you were driving?"
"Of course not. I meant during a rest stop."
"But you're there?"
"Yes I'm here. And it looks as though Marti is too." Casey said, squinting through the windshield. "I can see her car parked outside and a light on inside the apartment."
"Give her my love." His voice was subdued.
"I will."
"And be careful." Derek insisted. It had taken Casey a while to get used to Derek saying things like that. When they had been teenagers she didn't think she had ever heard him express that kind of desire. She fought the temptation to call him out on it, and treated it instead with the kind of dismissiveness that she would had Nora said it.
"Derek, this is our family I'm going to be seeing. I know the area and I know the people. What on earth do you think is going to happen?"
"Oh I don't know…you could maybe fall down the stairs and bite someone's ass." He quipped, eager to introduce some humour into his over-protective mood.
"That was your fault and since you are many hours away from me right now, I think I am perfectly safe from that." Casey retorted snottily.
"Okay…how about the pissed off kingpin who paid someone to kill me and almost succeeded?" he said suddenly serious.
"Derek…" And his mood flipped a lot more these days as he was forced to consider consequences – both of his and others' actions. Derek found himself in turmoil particularly when it came to the thought of losing Casey.
"Casey, just watch yourself, okay?" He sounded really concerned and Casey sighed.
"I'll watch myself…" She started. "On condition, you take equally good care and don't go sneaking into work because you are bored."
Derek, alone in their apartment, put on an oh-so-innocent expression. "Who…me?"
"Yes you. I know you and your workaholic tendencies. Stay home, Derek."
"I'll try. But there's only so many hockey re-runs a guy can watch on his own."
"You watch old hockey all the time when I'm there."
"I know, because it winds you up." He grinned. "There's no point if you aren't here."
"Moron." She said affectionately. He smiled.
"Be careful, love."
"You too." Casey noted the slip with the affectionate term and took a deep breath. "I should get inside. I didn't tell Marti I was coming and there's probably no food in the apartment. We'll need to go out or something."
"Okay. Have fun."
"I'd say the same to you, only I don't trust what I'd be sanctioning. Girls…bars…card games."
Derek chuckled. "I'm a good guy these days."
"Yeah and I'll believe that when I see it. Night hun!"
"Night hun." Derek said, hanging up and resigning himself to a night in…alone.
Casey had packed one solitary bag, so it took just a minute to empty the car and lock it. She made her way into the building in a sort of daze, the journey catching up on her again.
The building with its keypad entry was familiar but it lacked the warmth of the apartment in Ottawa. Deep down Casey knew that it had nothing to do with the lack of a friendly welcome from a security guard and the brightness of the entrance foyer – and everything to do with the fact that her home now was definitely in the apartment she shared with Derek. When Marti was finished with this apartment, Casey would have no qualms about letting it go.
As she placed her key in the lock, Casey probably should have rung the doorbell to warn Marti. She was well aware that her youngest sister had a boyfriend these days and she was certain that he, like her sister, still lived at home. Casey smiled. There was also probably a fair chance that, given Casey's generous nature as regards her London apartment, neither of them spent much time with their parents.
The truth was, however, that the first she realised that her arrival might not be 100% welcome was when the opening of her front door heralded the sudden slamming of Marti's own door.
Slightly confused and very tired, Casey entered the living room, dragging her case behind her and closed the front door. As soon as it was shut, she dropped the handle of her case, walked to the couch and flopped into it dramatically, closing her eyes.
A moment later she opened them and to her surprise they lighted immediately on a pair of playboy bunny boxer shorts discarded against the back of the couch. Either Marti had changed her taste in under garments or Simon was staying.
On balance, Casey decided the latter was the most likely – and that she had interrupted something.
In fact, when she stood up and looked around properly the living room bore evidence of some sort of frenzied shedding of clothes, the crowning glory being a rather bright blue bra with red polka dots which was draped over a Tiffany style lamp on a side table.
For a moment, Casey was annoyed; annoyed that her sister had taken advantage of her generous nature and instigated carnal relations in Casey's living room; annoyed that her younger sister had a more successful love life than she did.
Casey reprimanded herself. She could be churlish about Marti and Simon "getting it on" in her apartment, or she could be the understanding elder sister who realised how difficult it was to get "alone" time when you lived with parents. She knew that Marti was being sensible, because she herself had talked the issue through with her and she knew enough of Marti's character to know that she would have listened and acted on Casey's advice.
And then the recently-formed "Derek"-side of her psyche kicked in, and she got the humour of the situation. In fact, the Derek-side of her sense of humour was currently on steroids because she crossed the floor and stood outside Marti's door.
"Yes Derek, I got here safely." Casey announced in a loud voice. "No I haven't seen Marti yet but I'm fairly sure she's in the apartment. She'll be in her room…with Simon. Yes, I'm sure Simon's here…unless Marti has started wearing men's shorts. Playboy bunnies…black and red. I know you probably don't want to know about Simon's shorts but it's a little hard to ignore them or bras when they are hanging from the light-fittings. Derek, don't you think that's a little harsh. I'm sure it was more Marti deflowering Simon rather than the other way around. And I certainly don't think that was what they had in mind when they gave you your gun licence!"
Marti's door opened and a very sheepish-looking Marti emerged, now fully dressed, and closed the door behind her.
"Hi." She said timidly.
"Hi." said Casey, hiding her smirk.
"Is he angry?"
Casey raised an eyebrow, leant against the wall and folded her arms.
"He doesn't know." She said. "No phone…see?" She wiggled her fingers out from where they were tucked.
Marti's eyes widened.
"Oh…are you angry?"
Casey straightened. "Angry at what? That I walked in on you and Simon getting naked because I didn't have the courtesy to phone and warn you?"
Marti winced. "Actually, we'd been naked for a while. It was sort of…"
"Round two?" Casey asked and this time the smirk broke through. I really am turning into Derek. Casey thought, although she knew Derek would never sanction Marti having a sex life.
Marti coughed in surprise. "Who are you and what did you do with my sister?"
Casey laughed and then rubbed at her face with the heels of her hands.
"I'm tired Smarts. I've been driving all day. Is there any food in the apartment?"
"Erm…no. We were going to order in. You want to join us? For the food, I mean."
"Chinese?"
"You know me too well." Marti replied with a grin.
"Clearly, not as well as Simon." Casey rejoined.
"Casey!" Marti chided and then as they walked into the living room… "You've spent too much time with my no-good brother."
Simon was in love with Marti – and the feeling was mutual. That fact was as obvious as the slightly too-large nose on his otherwise attractive face. Casey snuck side-ways glances at him several times as they ate, making the kind of critical assessment that she knew Derek was going to require when she got home. He didn't use lots of affectionate terms as he spoke, although there were some. It was less obvious: Simon had his whole body turned towards Marti and Casey couldn't help notice that their bodies were always touching in some way. She liked it. It was understated and strangely familiar although Casey drew the line at comparing Simon's actions with Derek's.
Casey wanted a shower and a change of clothes after her long day, and for common decency's sake, Marti and Simon decided separate showers for them were in order too. The food was duly ordered and had arrived by the time the three of them were once again dressed and together in the living room. They were sitting down to eat before Marti got a chance to ask Casey what she was doing back in London.
"Did you and Derek have a fight?" then Marti frowned. "What am I asking? Of course you had a fight…I meant did he kick you out or you leave him?"
Casey laughed. "Leave him? You make it down like we're together or something! No. I didn't leave him. I took a week's vacation and it occurred to me that I hadn't seen you guys for a while so I'm here for a long weekend; kind of a vacation from Derek." She giggled.
Marti had raised an eyebrow at Casey's denial of her "couple-hood".
Although Marti couldn't see them interact together, she was fairly sure there was something going on there somewhere - unless Derek was being Derek and Casey was being Casey of course…
Marti groaned inwardly and then smiled "That's awesome!" Marti said covering the internal dialogue she was currently having with her heart and her common sense. "Dad and Nora will be excited to see you. And Robbie…they all miss you a lot."
"I miss them too." Casey said.
"But you're happy in Ottawa?" Marti asked.
Casey paused, a forkful of food halfway to her mouth. "Am I happy?"
She hadn't really thought about it. Before she had been painfully aware how unhappy she was after Derek's death, but did that meant that her new life in Ottawa (where he was alive and well, living with and pranking her) made her happy?
Of course it did. Okay, maybe there were things she would like to change: the feeling of uncertainty because her new life was still so temporary and Derek was such a Will-o'-the-wisp, and the fact that she was hiding a major secret from the majority of her family being just two. But, day-to-day, the fact that someone she loved deeply was alive when she had thought him dead…how could she be anything other than happy?
"Yes. I'm happy." She answered Marti's question.
Marti smiled, her own mind guessing fairly accurately what had caused the pause while Casey contemplated her answer.
"Is he behaving?" Marti grinned. Casey chuckled.
"No. But I can live with it. I am living with it!"
Simon watched the two women, appreciating that they weren't trying to cut him out with all the knowing looks and unspoken communications between them. Marti had filled him in on the Derek-Casey dynamic. For a while he had pondered how a couple who apparently hated each other could need each other so badly that they had gravitated together against the odds. But now he could see the renewed sparkle in Casey's eyes and the general improvement in her overall health and appearance since he had last seen her…and he knew that Marti was right when she claimed, rather dramatically, that Derek and Casey did not live when they were apart.
"I wish I could see him." Marti said a while later as they exchange news and Casey shared a few Derek-isms from the last few months.
Casey sighed. "I know. Derek wants to see you too. He misses you Smarti and it hurts him to know that he's missed so much of you growing up. But, his life is still in danger and he doesn't want that danger to touch you and the rest of the family."
"He lets you in."
"I know. But, honestly…I'm not sure how permanent an arrangement that is. If he thought I was in significant danger he would probably send me away or disappear himself. It took a lot of fast talking after the last incident to get him to agree to let me stay."
Marti had heard some of the story of Papillion but not all of it, so Casey took the time to tell the tale properly – leaving out things like the kissing and the bed-sharing. There was no need for Marti to get ideas about a relationship that didn't exist.
Casey needn't have bothered with the editing. By the time Marti went to bed that night, Simon beside her, she was convinced that her sister was in love with her brother.
When she'd allowed that phrase to flit across her mind, she realised that sometimes four little letters were really very important. And, oxymoron or not, there is no such thing as "same difference".
Casey, meanwhile, took a few moments to glance around her room. Although she owned the whole apartment, most of her personal possessions were located in this one space. Marti had shipped a few items to her when she had made the decision to accept the Ottawa secondment, but the majority of her life was still here in this room.
But the room didn't feel like home. She crossed to the dresser and picked up one of the photos there – a photo which included Derek – but it was at least seven years old. She replaced the picture and looked at her walls. They had framed posters from theatre trips she had made while at college – again more than seven years ago. She spun suddenly and looked at her bed-linen; even that, whilst clean and in good repair, was more than seven years old.
The evidence was clear. Before her trip to Ottawa, Casey had been living firmly in the past.
The bed squeaked as she sat down heavily, the thought of how far she had sunk in the time since the trauma of Derek's "death" was almost as depressing as the event itself. She found tears on her cheeks and brushing them away seemed only seemed to make them come faster.
Derek answered on the first ring.
"Hey McDonald! Can't you go more than a couple of hours without talking to me? And you were moaning about my phone-calls on the way there…"
Casey burst into tears.
It look several goes, blows and "No"s before he worked out what the problem was. His initial guesses of someone being hurt/dead he was happy to discard but they left one niggling doubt in his mind – that maybe she was calling to say that she wasn't coming back.
"Grief is harsh, sweetheart." He said softly, when they'd got past that misconception. "I felt the same about losing…all of you." He took a deep breath. "We're past it now. We've moved on. Let's chalk it up to a bad few years and get on with the future."
"It was seven years, D!" Casey protested. "Not a few years."
"Seven unimportant years which were superseded by subsequent events."
"I just…"
Derek leaned back in his recliner in their Ottawa home and closed his eyes.
"Casey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I of all people know that. Princess, I don't know what else to say. You know me. I don't do feelings. Maybe when you get back you should find another Paul."
"A what?"
"A counsellor. Someone who can talk you through things."
"How can I? I can't tell them about you."
"Why not. You don't need to give names and dates. Lie! It always works for me."
"Der-ek!" Casey objected. "You don't lie to your counsellor. It's…unethical!"
Derek sniggered. "Let's face it Casey. You just have a problem with lying full stop."
"I lie. I lie all the time." She protested. He laughed again.
"You know, sweetheart, maybe for the first time you just did…congratulations!"
"Do you lie to me?" She asked after a second's pause.
"Yeah! All the time." He quipped back.
"Oh."
"But not about the important stuff, okay?" He said softly…affectionately. "I mean I only lie about the stuff I can get away with…and you know me too well."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"You mean I'm the only person who appreciates your true identity?"
"Exactly. As I appreciate yours. I guess lots of people would be shocked to find out you are really a Russian pole-dancer called Anna."
"Ha ha! You think you are so amusing."
"It deflected you nicely."
"That's your standard answer any time I get upset about something isn't it? To irritate me?"
"Works for me."
"Moron."
"You missing me yet?"
"Like a hole in my head."
"How was dinner?"
"You're irritating, you know that?"
Derek shrugged. "It's my role in life."
"Pissing me off?"
"Nope. Reminding you about what's important."
"And what is important, Derek?"
"Exactly…me…Derek!"
Casey gave up and laughed. Derek relaxed. He hated tears – that was a given. He hated Casey's tears because they tore at parts of him he sometimes had to lock away and pretend didn't exist.
"You know what I would do, if I was you?"
"No…enlighten me." Casey braced herself for another bout of Derek-humour. But instead he surprised her.
"I would go through my things tomorrow and split them into two piles: things I want to see on a daily basis, and things I don't. Then I would box up the latter, label it and put it away in Dad and Nora's attic."
"And the rest?"
"Bring it home with you, princess. There's too many of my things in our apartment."
