The Side of Darkness
"We don't see why we have to double as the bloody babysitter," Bob grumbled, gnashing its nonexistent teeth. "We're Darkness, for Pete's sake. Who ever heard of darkness looking after a kid, cleaning up after a kid, having to talk to a kid…"
"I'm not a kid, you obscure piece of talking lint," Riku argued, not even glancing up from his book. His room was one of the few mold-free places in Ansem's castle, complete with mostly clean and unsullied furniture. His lithe form was curled up in one armchair, a book propped up against his legs, which he slung over one of the arms. As the darkness continued to whine, he nonchalantly turned the page.
"Nobody! That's who! No self-respecting darkness would put up with such orders! We regret the day we ever stumbled into Ansem's stupid bloody life!" Bob's small form staggered up to Riku in its drunken manner, trying to steady a tray in its shaky grasp. "Here's your bloody food! We hope you choke on it!"
"You're just upset because Ansem went off somewhere and left you with me."
"Damn it, we are Darkness! We want to do covert operations, too."
"You had yours yesterday."
"Yeah, well, that's beside the point. We want one every day!"
"You sure are whiny for the omnipotent force of darkness," Riku commented. He folded a corner in his book and tossed it haphazardly onto the floor nearby. Ignoring Bob's overt impatience, he took his time in moving the food from the tray to the table beside the chair. "You didn't try to sneak me that old, fuzzy pizza from Ansem's room again, did you?"
"Please, Riku, don't underestimate our imagination. We have plenty of other, more creative ways of making your life miserable. Speaking of which…"
"What does Ansem want now?"
"Why does it have to be what Ansem wants? We could want something, too! Is it so hard for you to believe we might want you to do something for us for a change?"
"Kinda. Especially since you know I won't do it."
"Ungrateful heathen."
"Anyway, what does Ansem want now?"
"The mighty Ansem," Bob began, somehow managing to roll its gleaming eyes, "has decided to officially initiate you into the darkness… club."
"Club?"
"Well, what would you call us? We're not exactly an organization. Our membership so far includes one slightly psychotic human, a teenage know-it-all, and an almighty eternity of darkness. We're no Starbucks here."
"What?"
"Never mind. Continuing with my bloody instructions, we're to invite you to the very first inauguration of darkness ceremony and give you your official uniform of darkness."
"An inauguration ceremony? Are you both bored out of your skulls or something?"
"Well, Ansem is most likely. He's not involved much in his would-be minions' plans… The greatest challenge for him right now is how to get rid of the mildew forest sprouting in his bathroom."
"Sounds spectacular," Riku yawned. "So what's the uniform?"
"Brace yourself, young darkling! Your eyes have never before comprehended such beauty in a single place!"
"What, did you make it yourself?"
"Well, actually, we did. Parts of it are even made from us."
"How… disgusting."
"Hey, loads of people would kill themselves for this outfit!"
"Then what would be the point of wanting it?" Riku countered, reverting to the never tiring game of ticking darkness off.
"Alright, wise guy, they'd kill each other over it. Anyway, it's one hundred percent Ansem-approved and made straight from darkness itself. Consider yourself fortunate."
"I'm counting my lucky stars as we speak."
"Sarcastic smartass. Here. Take it. We don't really care anymore," Bob said, throwing the bundle of clothes at him. The darkness proceeded to drop to the floor and pout.
Riku caught the bungle with one gloved hand and began to unfold it. One parcel dropped to the ground as he held the rest aloft. The clothes were like a complete bodysuit, the neck ending at the jaw line. The purples, blues, and black shimmered like the night sky. An emblem similar to the one Ansem wore was emblazoned across this outfit. Riku held the uniform against him, marveling at how exact its size was. The darkness could have measured every inch of skin on his body in preparation for this outfit. Riku didn't doubt this possibility; he would be sleeping with every light in his room on for the next few nights.
"Well?" Bob prompted.
"I have to admit, despite myself, that it doesn't look half bad."
"Wait, you dropped this part."
"What part?"
"This one." Bob held up a pale, yellowish-white bundle.
Riku draped the bodysuit across the arm of his chair and took the remaining apparel. He held it aloft. "You have got to be kidding me. You want me to wear a skirt?"
"It's not a skirt," Bob argued. "It's… it's like, uh… it's like a cape for your waist."
"It looks like a skirt. A grass skirt."
"Well, it's not. So there."
"I'm not wearing it," Riku said adamantly. "The rest of the outfit is fine, but this is… just stupid."
"Why, Riku? Do you think it'll make you look like a girl?"
"No."
"Yes, you do," Bob continued. "We can see your predicament. We mean, you already look kind of like a girl. Add one little grass skirt-thing and who could tell that you're actually a guy?"
"I do not look like a girl."
"You really don't think so? With those long, silky locks, those hopelessly captivating, oceanic eyes, and that slender, well-toned body of yours… yeah, you look like a girl. A muscular, flat-chested girl but a girl nonetheless."
"Go to hell, Bob."
"What do you think we're doing here, Riku?" Bob complained, gesturing to the room around it.
"I'm still not wearing it. You can tell Ansem that. I don't really care."
"Fine, have it your way. We're so sick of Ansem making us always be the bearer of bad tidings to you."
"If you hate Ansem so much, why not devour him now and take over the world yourself?" Riku asked, not really caring. He had resumed his previous activity, turning a page intently.
"If we got rid of Ansem, who would be our scapegoat? Are you saying that you're volunteering, Riku?"
"No, I most certainly am not. It's just that, since you're darkness and all, people don't really expect anything better from you."
"We suppose so… but Ansem made us sign a contract, and even we don't want to get into a legal feud over that. We have to help Ansem fulfill his wickedly dark ambitions in destroying the world in exchange for him to withhold certain… personal information from the world."
"That's nice," the white-haired boy murmured, the darkness's words buzzing around his ears like annoying flies.
"That's blackmail, you idiot! Never mind. We have better, more productive ways to waste our time than talking with you." Bob stormed off as best an adorable creature as it appeared to be could under the circumstances.
"Whatever." Riku turned the page.
