Acceptance

It had been three days since Will had arrived and he was still hurting. He didn't rest enough and had guiltily waited the night before for Sonny to be fast asleep to recreate the peacefulness he'd felt by touching his hand. It had worked but now it was barely dawn and he was wide awake. Well, he could prepare breakfast. He was helping Sonny now. Mainly in finding dead wood and bringing it to the woodshed. Sonny was intent on stocking enough for the cold times ahead. That's when it hit Will. Christmas was in a month. Would he still be confined in here? Would his only company be that nice but broken man who was looking at him as if he was a fragile baby bird at times and as a piece of furniture at others? He didn't feel like judging him and wondered if this attitude stemmed from the forced isolation or from the constant fear or from what had occurred before. He didn't dare ask. He was occupied with his own feelings of guilt and remorse, trying to escape them or deal with them but they were still stronger than him. He looked at Sonny, whose face looked angelic as he slept and tiptoed to the kitchenette. He rummaged through the cupboard but only found ground coffee. Next to it was sitting what looked like an elongated teapot with a plunger attached to the lid."It's a french press." Will jumped. Sonny had been completely silent. He took a spoon and showed Will how to brew the coffee then press to the bottom after a few minutes. Meanwhile, Will prepared some toasts and found a cereal box "You eat these sometimes?" "When I get the milk. So that's tomorrow!" He smiled as he did once in a while and Will felt a pang of pity to see him so excited for something so trivial. Then he remembered he was in the same situation and he should feel pity for himself then.

His MP3 player died that day. They were lying on the bed, Sonny reading a book with a glacier on the cover and Will grieving. The sound got awful then stopped. Sonny turned and smiled "Time to go back to the old radio." "How old is it?" Sonny shrugged "Old enough to be sturdy and reliable. I listen to local news every two days to feel connected to this place. Apparently there's not much going on what with the winter coming." "So, no regrets." "Mmmm." "Sonny, can I ask you something personal?" Sonny frowned but didn't seem adverse "Sure..." "Do you miss your mom?" The look he got from this made Will feel even more childish. He was about to wave his question away when Sonny laid on the mattress and replied "Horribly. I miss my dad too but my mom was the one who cuddled with me when I woke up with a nightmare when I was little..." Will's childhood was more complicated but Sami was still his mother. He lay down next to Sonny and asked, his voice shaking "You think mine will forgive me?" "For what?" Sonny's voice was soothing in the extreme. He didn't even seem to make an effort. "For not calling earlier, for not barging in and getting killed at his place..." Sonny sat on his elbows "What's wrong with you?" Will flinched at the harsh tone. He shook his head "You don't get it. I hid like a little kid. I'm 17. I should behave like a man. I should have been braver." Sonny laughed. It was not a mocking laugh really, more like a surprised one. "I don't know if I should scold you or admire you. This is the real world, Will. You don't stand up to psychopaths. You call the police on their ass." Will sighed "Unless they're the police..."

Will didn't touch Sonny's hand that night. He didn't want to be creepy. If he wanted to be more grown-up, he could start here and face his demons. He ached silently, the seconds slowing down and the absolute silence being an open area for his memories to play. The shouts. The mind-shattering gun shoot. The beating of his heart as Rafe's one was stopping. No he wasn't going to cry. He was going to learn to live with this guilt eating his heart. He could do this. He clutched the edge of the night table until his articulations hurt. Little by little, the night crept away. Will held on.

When he went in the bathroom to shave, Will took time to check under his eyes. At the rate the dark was growing, it would reach his eyes soon. He needed to sleep. The razor fell from his hand and the blade grazed his leg. "F...!" "Are you OK in there?" "Yeah, I cut myself shaving!" "Be careful! Don't damage this exquisite baby face of yours!" This was not something to say to someone who was kneeling down with a blade in his hand. After mending the two wounds, Will felt a little grateful at Sonny for trying and make him feel better. He knew he looked like sh... and decided to take some time to pamper up. After all he was rich in time.

Sonny was going out. He looked impatiently at Will. "So, you're coming?" "Where?" "Get the groceries!". Oh right. Will's stomach agreed with the idea and he stepped out. Sonny was walking fast and Will had to jog to reach him. They walked for half an hour and Will looked everywhere for the traces of a path. Sonny didn't need any and advanced with purpose. Will stopped. There was a man with his back to them, near a car, smoking. He hid behind a tree until Sonny gave him the all-clear "It's OK, it's Martin." "Who's Martin?" "Our only contact to the world... Hey Martin, what happened to your cap?" The old man turned and Will felt the relief of recognizing him as his chauffeur from a few days ago. "My grandson stole it for his baseball match." "Really, how old is he?" "Twelve. His arm is very good. He's a great pitcher!" The man went on and Will wondered at the change in Sonny. He took one of the heavy bags and shook hands "I'm sorry about your dad, that's horrible. My nephew's a cop in Seattle too and we always worry he'll get shot one day." Will pinched his lower lip and nodded. He didn't feel like correcting him, in fact he felt quite shy. He wondered what was so wrong with him that Sonny would be so interested in that man's life but not in him.

Sonny opened the bags and quickly put everything away. He had given the warm ice pack to their deliverer and gotten fresh one, literally. "Time to dig in that cereal box, hey Will!" He took a green box and put it on the armchair. Will drank the milk, appreciating the taste and coolness. He was already tiring of canned food. There were fresh fruits, vegetables and dairies. Sonny had to focus on rearranging the ice box as he explained that Will's presence meant more room-taking food. Chuckling. Will finished eating and saw Sonny open the small box. Inside there were envelops. Lots of them. There weren't addressed to them or to a Martin. Yet, Sonny was opening each one and making two piles on the floor. He handed the biggest one to Will. "These are for you. They're from your family." Will looked at the first letter and paled "Oh my god! Gabi!" Sonny looked up from the letter he was reading "Who's Gabi?" "Rafe's little sister and my ex." "Your beard?" Will shook his head "No, it was before... I forgot all about her. She must be devastated. She loved Rafe so much!" Sonny looked thoughtful "Well you can write her back so she'll feel a little better." "I can?" The possibility made his heart sing. It felt there was a narrow shining path appearing between him and those he loved. "Sure, we send the letter to another address and they get them eventually. It's complicated. Be sure not to give her any clues about this place, though" he added severely. "If you do, you're putting us in jeopardy. So nothing at all, even the lake is too much." Will nodded and took a serious look. "I'll go in my room to let you read in peace all right?" "Mmmm"

Will looked at all the names at the bottoms and puts the one with "Sami" on it away. He read the one from his dad, from Abby, Gabi, and they all were filled with love and support. He felt much better. He looked at the disregarded paper. Should he ruin this blissful feeling? He could put it away or even burn it. He got up and walked back to the living-room where the fire was sending yellow and red reflections on the walls. His eyes wandered the letter and what he saw made his stop his movement "Will, my William, my little boy,"

"I miss you so much but I'm so glad you're safe. I trust Justin, he's a great man and I'm sure his son is exactly like him so you are in good hands. It is very hard for all of us here. Your brother and sisters are asking for you constantly. They must think you're dead. I'm so so grateful you're not. That bastard cop came to talk to me yesterday. I wanted to claw his eyes out but I remained civil and nice just for you, my baby. You would have been proud of your mama and her self-control! I want you to be safe, Will. Be careful all the time. Remember when I warned you against talking to strangers? Oh Will, I can hardly sleep thinking about you on your own. Justin says I must not know where you are but this is hard.

We're burying Rafe in two days. The coroner told me the bullet went straight to the heart so he was killed instantly, he didn't suffer. I wish I had been there, maybe all of that wouldn't have happened, I don't know.

I love you Will, take care of yourself my sweet precious baby. I send you all my love

Sami"

He had no tears left. But all his muscles gave way. He fell on the floor and hit his head. When he opened his eyes again, Sonny was kneeling beside him looking very shaken. Will exclaimed, to Sonny and the world "I didn't let him die! It wasn't my fault. I couldn't have done anything. My mom doesn't hate me!" There was a tear on Sonny's cheeks "I'm so sorry Will." "For what?" Will asked as he walked to the armchair and sank there "For forgetting you and making you feel unwelcomed." Will grinned "No, you didn't, you've listened to me, you've been kind." Sonny sat at the table and answered, his hand rummaging his hair "That wasn't enough. You're here and we've barely had any discussion. You're in pain and I'm not helping you." Will continued smiling, a little forcefully "You don't have to, you have your own problems to deal with. Don't worry." Sonny sighed and went out.

Sonny looked guilty all day long and talked even less. Will was at loss. A big clawed burden had been ripped of his heart and now he could accept Rafe's passing and remember the good times. It was still hard but at least he didn't hate himself now. When the light faded, he went to bed and saw Sonny already under the covers with an intent expression on his face. Will lay down and felt fingers circle his hand. "You could have asked you know, I wouldn't have used the bat for that... Actually, I like the feeling too. I missed it yesterday. It's relaxing." Will slept like a baby that night. The next day, he went to the mirrors and stared in disbelief : there weren't dark shadows anymore under his eyes.