When I started to write this, I realized that no one got to come during the last eight pages of smuttines I was so proud of... I'm an idiot. Though that worked out for the best in the end, I think.
Oh, and I'm so glad people are starting to like Naraku! He's cute, and for some reason every time I write him I get some humor in too... I wonder why that is.
Part 4
After that incident we were broken. We managed to fix it eventually, to some degree at least, but for a long time it was just heartbreaking, and the way to fix it was lost. Surprisingly it was Naraku of all people, who helped. I can't be grateful to him, that would be close to impossible, but I appreciate his effort. Besides, I'm quite sure Sesshoumaru already thanked him…
The beginning point to the road of mending was that same night. I was finally made to realize that I wasn't the only one hurting. I was amazed that I hadn't really noticed it any sooner. People often call me dense, but that was the first time I regretted being like that. It killed me that I was the one causing my strong brother to be so fragile, and it hurt like hell to know that I wasn't the one who could heal him. Ever.
You can't even imagine what it felt like to sit there on the bed and watch how the person I loved, wanted and needed, wept in someone else's arms, being comforted. They were lost in their own little world and I knew immediately that I could never be part of it.
I quietly slipped out of the bed and left the room. I got dressed in my own bedroom and went to the kitchen. I needed coffee, as if it would be able to wake me up from my nightmare.
As I sat there in the kitchen holding my cup, that man came to the room. He had his black jeans on but his chest was still bare and apparently he hadn't bothered to button up the jeans. He didn't say anything, he just walked to the coffee machine, took a cup from the dishwasher and poured himself coffee. It was all so effortless to him that I knew he had done it many times before. Meaning that the man had been in my home many times before, without my knowing. It pissed me off.
He sat down next to me and still didn't say anything, as if he was waiting for me to be the first one to speak. It was like some kind of a silent game, whoever talks first is the ultimate looser. He's good at making you feel that way. Naraku enjoys it, playing with people. He's still like that even now, some things never change…
I wasn't up to be part of his playing though, not after what had happened. I was tired, more so than I remembered ever being. In a way it was much worse than after my parent's deaths.
I put my empty cup away and I was just about to leave the room when he finally spoke. "Sit down."
It was a command, and it annoyed the hell out of me, but I also knew that it was probably one of those very rare times when he agreed to lose in his own game to be able to get something done. Actually, I now know, after all this time I've known him, that that was the one and only time he had done so. With the exception of my brother, of course. He would do anything for him, even deliberately lose.
So, sensing that it was important that I' d hear what he had to say, I sat back on my chair and turned my eyes to stare at him.
He was quiet for a while, just staring back at me. Then he huffed. "I guess you learned that from him…" he muttered. Then with a louder voice he said: "I really can't understand why I bother with you pain in the ass brothers."
"Then why don't you leave?" I spat at him and kept glaring. I wanted to punch him so much.
To my great surprise he laughed. "You think he'd let me?" he asked cocking his head to the side and smirking infuriatingly.
I didn't know what to say to that (and I didn't want to think about the possibility that my brother might need him in some twisted way), so instead I asked again: "What the fuck is going on here?!" It was driving me insane. I knew, and yet I didn't. Moment after moment it was getting clearer that I would never be able to get what I truly desired and I sure as hell wanted to know the reason for it.
"He loves you", Naraku said shrugging. He looked like he was about to yawn.
I had to gather all my self control that I wouldn't smash his nose in. How could he treat something so important with that kind of uncaring manner? I probably would have beaten him up if I hadn't seen that fleck of annoyance flare across his eyes when he looked away from me.
"If he loves me, why is he with you?"
Now there was no doubt about it. When his maroon eyes turned to me, he looked pissed off as hell. "Because he loves you. Now how infuriating is that? For me, that is. You're too dense to appreciate the possibilities." He gritted his teeth and glared at me.
"I don't understand", I muttered and tried to figure it out.
Naraku hit his fist to the table and for the first time that night raised his voice. "Of course you don't get it, you bloody fucking dimwit! If you did, we wouldn't have to deal with this fucking mess! And he's too proud to do anything about it 'cause apparently having to explain himself to someone is beneath him! And now I have to clean up your mess and believe me, I could think of better things to do with my time! For Christ's sake you two!"
I was taken aback by the outburst and couldn't say anything. I waited for him to calm himself by taking deep breaths before I managed to mumble: "Could you explain it to me then?"
"That's what I'm trying to do…" he said, still gritting his teeth and wearing an expression that told me he would have rather been doing anything besides that.
"Umm, where's Sesshoumaru? Shouldn't he be here? How is he?"
"So now you think you care, huh?" Naraku huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "I slipped him a sleeping pill; he should be out until tomorrow. He definitely should not hear what I'm about to say. Mainly because he'd rip me open, but also because I know, he knows, and you should bloody know, that he wouldn't be able to handle it. You did see him just now, right?"
"Was it my fault?" I asked like an idiot I am. Of course I knew it had been my fault. I just needed to get it confirmed. I was tired of blaming myself all the time. I didn't want to do it unless I had a good reason for it, though something told me that I had more than enough of reasons now, I just didn't yet know what they were.
"It sure as hell was your fault! Not that I wasn't involved this time, though. I don't really like hurting him, despite what you might think, but I'm really getting tired of being a substitute. I guess I sort of snapped."
"Are you saying that you're a substitute for me?" I was in awe. Could it honestly be that Sesshoumaru really…
"You sure are slow. It amazes me that you two have the same genes…"
"Half of them", I corrected automatically.
"Do you think that changes the fact that you're brothers?"
I flinched.
Naraku rolled his eyes. "Hey, I don't judge. Think about it, I was the one trying to get the both of you into bed just now, not that I have any interest in you, to be honest. Sesshoumaru on the other hand, he and his fucking morals, he blames himself for it. He thinks you shouldn't carry the burden."
I wanted to say that I don't quite understand what he was trying to say, but I was afraid of another outburst, and I really needed him to tell me, so I didn't want to anger him unnecessarily. I kept my mouth shut and just clenched my fists.
But as I've said, he has an annoying habit of being one step ahead of you so he already knew what I was thinking about. "You are seriously thick. It would make this much easier for me if you'd just get it already. It's not like I want to have a conversation with my rival."
I blinked rabidly. I could feel my heart breaking again. "Are you and him….? I mean, are you…to him…?" I couldn't get it out of my mouth. The words got stuck in my throat and I tried to swallow.
He understood though. "Of course I am. Do you think a guy like me would bother with other people's messes if I didn't gain something from it?" He smirked and flipped his long hair over his shoulder. "Don't be mistaken Inuyasha, I want him for myself. I have absolutely no intention of helping you two to get together. I just want him to stop agonizing over you."
"It didn't look like you cared for him from where I was standing!" I spat at him and only after the words left my mouth I realized the double meaning behind them.
Naraku laughed. I was starting to hate the sound. It's not like he has an unpleasant laugh, quite the contrary, it's just that he laughs in places where normal people wouldn't. It makes him a bit evil. The red in his eyes doesn't help…
"Oh yeah, that. Well, that's something that Sesshoumaru asked me to do to him, and I can honestly say that I don't mind. I'm sadistic and he knows it. And that wasn't the first time, as you should have noticed."
"Does that mean that…that Sesshoumaru is a masochist?"
"You sure ask some stupid question, kid. No it doesn't mean that, though I think he has learned to appreciate the sensation now. Anyway, the reason he asked me to do that was to distract himself from the other pain he was feeling. He didn't tell me that, of course he didn't, so don't look so surprised, kid. I'm not as dense as you are. I pay attention and actually notice things."
"Why would he do such a thing to himself?" I muttered and shook my head. My hands were shaking and I suddenly felt very cold.
Naraku frowned. "I already told you."
"Huh?"
He hit me. He actually hit me. Well, it was a slap on the back of my head but hit is a hit. I was stunned. He was starting to lose his patience with me.
"Would you start using your brain? Even if it is for just a second! Think about him and not just yourself for a minute and you might see something besides your own nose!"
It was strange hearing that from someone so obviously self-centered, but I realized he was serious. His feelings for my brother made him concerned and he wanted to help him, but he obviously lacked the knowledge to deal with a serious conversation such as this, so he was troubled now that he had to cope with someone stupider than he.
"Why don't you start from the beginning so I get the whole picture? You can't expect me to work with full capacity after what happened tonight…" I told him and rubbed my head.
He huffed and crossed his arms again. "This'll be a long story…" he sighed before beginning. "I try to make it short. We met six or seven years ago. I'm a tattoo artist and I also do piercings. Sesshoumaru became a regular in our shop after his first piercing. He intrigued me. Usually people with his personality only take a piercing or a tattoo when they're at a turning point in their life, that or someone they loved died. The one's who get them for just the hell of it are a totally different species compared to your brother.
"Anyway, the type that Sesshoumaru should represent all has the same traits in them as they sit in the chair. When we do our work on them, they think about whatever it is they're going through and usually they talk about it too, to distract themselves from the pain. Think of it as something similar to women and their hairdressers, just a bit more intense. Sesshoumaru, however, he showed absolutely no signs of anything, and yet to me it was obvious that he had a reason behind what he was doing. He seemed like the type who needs a reason for everything. And when the needle touched him, he sighed relieved, even though I knew he wasn't the type to actually enjoy pain itself.
"I think it was his first tattoo that was the turning point for us. He had already come to the shop several times before that, so I was curious. Before he had been very strict about it, only piercings, but now he wanted a tattoo. And not just a small one, might I add, it was a big thing, his whole upper back. I tried to tell him that that's a bit big for a first timer, but he just glared at me and asked if he should get someone else to do it. I laughed and told him I wouldn't let anyone else do it. He was my tattoo virgin."
"Wait", I interrupted his story, "Are you the one who's done the tattoos?"
"Isn't that what I just said?" Naraku said pouting his lips, as if I was a nasty little kid who didn't listen what parents had told him.
"I was just surprised… I thought you were just a pervert who put metal through his nipples. I've always thought that the one in his back was almost as beautiful as him."
"That was the goal. It took me a while to get it done, though, all those details and just the size of it… I loved every minute of it though, I wanted to create something that would take his breath away, I wanted to see his face twitch in pain as I worked on him and I wanted to see him react when he saw the finished piece. I wanted him to react to something."
I leaned in closer to him and felt the urge to punch him grow stronger in me once again. "You wanted to hurt him?" I growled, my fists so tight that the knuckles were starting to turn white.
Naraku just rolled his eyes undisturbed by my reaction. "Of course. You should have figured out at least that much by now, you fool. Sadist, remember? Shall I continue?"
I nodded slowly – a little unsure if I should just punch him anyway – but soon I was lost in the story.
"To my great disappointment he was like a gorgeous marble statue as I did my work. He didn't even flinch, which is something I have always wondered, 'cause I assure you it hurts. And when he saw the finished work he simply nodded. Nothing else, just a nod. I'm not sure why I didn't get pissed off. After all that work I expected to get at least a little reward for doing a masterpiece on his skin, but he still looked like he didn't care. Perhaps I didn't get mad because I knew that despite his lack of reaction it meant a lot to him. When I realized that I finally began to understand him. It was an odd sensation. The less he said the more he meant, and I somehow realized what a great pain he was in. Hmm, that didn't make much sense, did it…? Oh well…
"I didn't see him for awhile after that. His back needed time to heal and I think he needed it as well. I started to think that perhaps he thought that he was healing together with his visible scars. Sesshoumaru is like that you know, things like feelings, emotions and thoughts are irrelevant to him unless he can make them concrete. He needed the scars in order to connect the feelings to something. It's like he can see the wound closing and time passing at the same time, so he knows that the inner wounds will scar too. A strange way of therapy, but it worked, at least to some degree (I wouldn't really recommend it to others though). We can let the old wounds scar but we can't prevent the new ones, and those that pierce the old ones again are the most painful ones. He has plenty of those.
"After that one tattoo, I was the only one who he came to, and not just to get something done to him. The first time he came to the shop like that was with a friend, well, a special kind of friend. Do you get offended, kid, if I call him a fuck buddy?"
I frowned. "No. And stop calling me kid!"
"You are a kid."
"Am not! You're not that much older!"
Naraku laughed again. "Sesshoumaru is, what, six or five years older than you, right? Well, I'm a few years older than him, and that makes me close to thirty and over ten years older than you. You're a kid in my eyes, kid. Especially because you're a little stupid."
I looked at him closely. I examined his face and realized that this was the first time I had tried to figure out his age. And I could see why it was hard. He was a very good looking man, which I reluctantly admitted. He also had the type of face that didn't reveal his real age. He could have just as well been in his early twenties or late thirties. I think it's the eyes that make it so hard to tell his age. The odd color and the feeling that he knows make a strange contrast with his good looking face, almost freighting one.
"So do you want or hear this or not?" he asked sounding annoyed that I kept distracting him.
"I don't want to, not really, when I kind of know where it's leading, but I don't have much choice…"
"Wow, the kid can actually do the right thing for once… So where was I…? Oh yeah, the fuck buddy. He had a lot of those. This one wanted to get a tattoo and he had asked where Sesshoumaru had gotten his 'super cool one'. Sesshoumaru brought him to me. He said it was less trouble to just do it than trying to avoid him. So, while I did a stupid corny snake around the guy's bicep (the guy said it was 'awesome, dude'), Sesshoumaru sat there watching. He didn't talk, he just watched me work. When the other guy whined and cried out, your lovely brother smiled a ghost of a smile.
"After I was done with the whiner, he left, but just before Sesshoumaru walked out of the door, I stopped him. I asked why he had brought the other guy here, it didn't seem like something he'd normally do. He said that he remembered I could hurt. Then he left.
"After that Sesshoumaru came to the shop quite often. He sat next to me and watched me work. We didn't speak much, but I managed to get something out of him, I have my ways, you see. But I don't think we need to go into details, let's jump to the moment when something actually happened.
"Our turning point was actually the same as yours. After your charming father's death, Sesshoumaru came to me. I knew your old man had died, your brother had told me. I need you to understand how remarkable that was. Like I said, most people like him get a tattoo when someone dies, but he didn't even consider it. Instead, he told me. Saying it out loud, telling someone, was something that left a far more stronger mark than any tattoo could. After the words fell from his lips, he looked absolutely devastated, I don't think it was just because of your father though. I knew enough to know that he wouldn't grieve too much, and yet there was something making him feel enough for it to show on his face. I didn't comfort him, not my style, not back then, but I told him that if he ever felt like it, he could come to me and I'd make him forget. He said he'd keep that in mind."
Naraku interrupted his story. His eyes were fixed to some faraway place and he was thinking. I tried to ingest what I've heard so far. After some thought it finally occurred to me like a lightning from a clear sky.
"He came to you, didn't he? After he and I… After the funeral… Before he left…" I was horrified.
"Yup. That he did."
"Why?" I cried out.
Naraku sighed. "Haven't you been listening? He wouldn't have come to me in the first place if it weren't for you! I know he didn't actually fuck you, but that was enough to drive him over the edge. When he came to the shop it was already night and I was the last one there, as I always am. I like to work during nights. He stood behind the door for a long time before I noticed him and let him in. I had never seen him like that before. It was somewhat disturbing.
"He was shivering and the look of desperation on his face would have been absolutely delicious if it hadn't broken the heart I didn't know I had. Hmm, that was a bit too dramatic sentence wasn't it? Anyway, I asked him what happened, but I didn't expect him to answer, though.
"He said he had finally done it. Actually, he said it over and over again. When I finally got him to calm down, he looked at me with those honest, straightforward eyes of his. He told me to make him forget.
"Well, I didn't know what he wanted to forget but I did know that whatever it was, it made him feel very guilty. So, that's how we established the relationship that you got the privilege to witness. He needed a distraction, one pain dulling the other. He told me all about you the next morning. He feels incredibly guilty that he feels that way for you, he has been for so long already, as if he didn't have enough problems without it. After what he did to you he was so deep in self loathing that it took a long time before he rose even halfway out of it.
"I helped him in my own way every time he needed distraction. As time went by I came to realize that I cared for him, and I know he is the same. I should tell you now that for a long time we haven't had other partners besides each other. Still, he can't help but to be stuck to you in some way I'm not able to cut."
Naraku leaned back in his chair looking like he was finished with his story and staring at me expectantly. I didn't know what I should say, I rarely did with this man. When I didn't say anything after some time he finally snapped. "Well, what are you going to do about it?"
"ME?"
"Yes you", he said like he was talking in a funeral. "You always wait that there would be someone else fixing things for you, that there would be someone to save you. You cling to the possibility that your brother would miraculously turn your life upside down and everything would be good and happy again. Even when you took care of your mother you didn't do it to gain something, her healing or your own happiness, you just did it and hoped that Sesshoumaru would come and take you away. It didn't even cross your mind that you could just contact him!"
His words were cruel and hit me like thousand knives. I needed to hear it though. I knew he was right. I didn't accept his way of putting it, but I knew he was right nonetheless. Still, my teenager's instinct told me to defend myself. "I didn't know his number or address!"
"Ever heard of a phonebook or the Internet, kid? He's one of the best designers in the city, his name's pretty much everywhere. If you ever bother to open a newspaper I'm sure you'll see his name somewhere there. Besides, he has a big office not too far from here…"
"Oh…"
"Hmm, see what I mean? You claim to love him but you've never bothered to really get to know him, have you? You've just built some kind of a heroic picture in your head. He knows it, and it kills him to know that your thoughts about him might change into something less, that if you knew the real him, you'd be disappointed."
"But I – "
"Shut it", he cut me off. "This is actually much more simple than you think. The fact that you're brothers doesn't seem to bother you, so we can sweep that off the table of concerns. The second, much more important thing is this: can you save him?"
"I'm not sure I know what you mean by any of this…"
He sifted impatiently in his chair and leaned closer to me. "What I mean is that are you waiting for him to pet your head when you're feeling down and give you an occasional blowjob when you're feeling horny, or could you do the same to him, too. And can you build your own life with your own power, or do you need him to build it for you?
"He's been through much more than you know, more than you've cared to notice. You had loving parents, but his mother left him behind because of some drug dealer, and his father didn't love him – more like despised him – because he reminded him of her, not to mention that they were both unfaithful to each other right in front of him. He once told me he walked in on his mother while she was having an orgy in their living room. He had to earn his own money since he was fifteen so I assure you he's worked his ass off, and yet now, at the age of twenty four, he has a name and a promising career, but a piece of his past (meaning you, kid) keeps haunting him, reminding him of what he did to his little brother. He thinks he needs to make amends."
"So… he took me in out of guilt?"
"You are starting to majorly piss me off, kid. Do you ever think of anyone else beside your own little persona? He took you in because you're his little brother and he loves you. Now it's your job to determine what kind of love he's supposed to have while he's with you. This I can promise though, whatever you decide to do, he'll love you in his way, he'll never stop, he can't. That's just something I have to deal with…"
Naraku rose from his seat gathering his massive amount of hair over his shoulder and started to braid it. "I'm going to bed now, I have to be next to him when he wakes up or he might do something stupid. You think about this, yes?" He left the room looking way more relaxed than normal people would be in a situation like that.
I, on the other hand, spend my night in the kitchen with several pots of coffee, thinking about all the things I had heard from the man I wasn't so sure I completely hated anymore.
Next week I started college and moved out of Sesshoumaru's house.
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I so want to write Sesshoumaru and Naraku's story behind this... I really want to. Should I?
I hope this chapter made at least some sense to you, this was very hard to write. I tend to create diffiult character descriptions and complicated relationship situations between characters, and trying to get it written understandibly in a strange language is just...pain...pure pain... I'm actually fairly good at it in Finnish, but that doesn't really help, does it. Naraku's story and explanation of Sesshoumaru's feelings was hard to write. It's actually supposed to make sense. If something was left unclear please tell me so I can answer/fix/change/explain it later.
Love, Val
