SCENE 4: THE DOCKS
In Which a Man is Revealed to be Allergic to Pie and Javert Reappears
SAILORS:
(inappropriate lines)
PROSTITUTES:
(even more inappropriate lines)
OLD LADY:
(pops up out of nowhere; the French seem to be very good at this)
Get over here, girl, and let me chop off all your hair with these rusty scissors that will probably give you tetanus.
FANTINE:
Okey dokey!
FANTINE and OLD LADY:
(exit)
SAILORS:
(not PG rated things)
PROSTITUTES:
(cringe)
FANTINE:
(re-enters with a really bad haircut and dying of tetanus and other various things)
C'MON CAPTAIN
YOU CAN WEAR YOUR SHOES
DON'T IT MAKE A CHANGE TO HAVE A GIRL WHO CAN'T REFUSE
CAPTAIN:
Get away from me, diseased baldy.
SHINY SUIT GUY:
(another one of those who pop up out of nowhere)
HERE'S SOMETHING NEW
I THINK I'LL GIVE IT A TRY
Oh, the things theater makes us do...
SAILORS/PROSTITUTES:
You think you have it bad?
SHINY SUIT GUY:
COME CLOSER YOU
I LIKE TO SEE WHAT I BUY
THE USUAL PRICE
FOR JUST ONE SLICE OF YOUR PIE
Actually, I'm allergic to pie.
FANTINE:
You're allergic to pie? GET AWAY FROM ME, CREEP! I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANYTHING!
AUDIENCE:
Aren't you already dying of every disease out there? What more can happen to you?
FANTINE:
I BITE YOU NOW!
SHINY SUIT GUY:
OWWW!!!! MOMMY!!!
JAVERT:
Never fear, I am here.
SHINY SUIT GUY:
Uh, you're not my mom!
AUDIENCE:
Hey, it's that guy from the beginning! He's back!
JAVERT:
TELL ME QUICKLY
WHAT'S THE STORY
WHO SAW WHAT AND WHY AND WHERE
LET HIM GIVE A FULL DISCRIPTION
LET HIM ANSWER TO... JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!*
FANTINE:
Well aren't you Mr. Nosy!
JAVERT
Stay out of this, you vile being!
SHINY SUIT GUY:
Look what she did to my face, Inspector!
(points to invisible cut that only Javert can see)
JAVERT:
Ah, yes. Quite nasty.
SHINY SUIT GUY:
I know, right? Totally epic.
JAVERT:
(pointing to Fantine)
JAIL!
FANTINE:
This really just isn't my day.
JAVERT:
HONEST WORK
JUST REWARD
THAT'S THE WAY TO PLEASE THE LORD
FANTINE:
Wait, so I get a reward at the end of all of this? Oh goody!
JAVERT:
Yes. Death.
FANTINE:
Oh. Bummer.
VALJEAN:
(heroically popping up out of nowhere)
STOP in the name of the LAW!
JAVERT:
I am the law, old man.
VALJEAN:
…
STOP in the name of the MAYOR! Which is ME!
FANTINE:
Le gasp! It's that mayor that I hate! I HATE YOU, MAYOR! (because that's a surefire way to get me out of jail!)
JAVERT:
Insulting the MAYOR?!?!
JAIL!
FANTINE:
I NEVER DID NO WRONG
MY CHILD'S CLOSE TO DYING
IF THERE'S A GOD ABOVE
HE'D LET ME DIE INSTEAD!
VALJEAN:
I WILL SEE IT DONE!
FANTINE:
Wait, I was kidding! I don't really want to die! I was being dramatic!
JAVERT:
BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!
VALJEAN:
I WILL SEE IT DONE!
JAVERT:
BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!
VALJEAN:
I WILL SEE IT DONE!
FANTINE:
Um, guys-
JAVERT:
BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!
VALJEAN:
I WILL SEE IT DONE!
FANTINE:
SHUT UP ALREADY!
*As you can see, if Javert has a chance to say his name, he will. It kind of makes everyone else wish they had a name like that.
