*
Shepard sat in the mess hall eating some well earned food. After aiding in the chef gaining proper supplies his meals had increased in quality immensely. Allowing the warm stew to fill her insides with much needed warmth. Her mind seemed dead to the world after having dealt with gaining the Archangel's side. His scarred face kept replaying in her mind making her feel her stomach grow ill and her heart ache.
Yet.. her eyes scanned the flickering journal pad by her bowl. Faces and names flickered on the screen with bio and information as to where to find the others the Illusive man had told her would aid in her succeeding in her mission against the collectors. An assassin, a Krogon war lord, a psychopath with heavy biotics and yet still no sign of the rest of her former crew. She had sent feelers out to see if they could be found but so far the only thing that came back was silence.
Tali, Liara, Kaiden, Wrex… all information that could be found evaded her. Even though her heart felt faint on the idea she even looked into possible death listings with their names and still nothing. Her heart felt for Kaiden as she recalled Ashley Williams, she cared for Kaiden as a dear friend and knew when his love has lost her life due to Shepard's choosing, it shattered her emotional barriers for a few moments as she had held onto Alenko's sobbing form after Virmire's labs were destroyed.
They had gotten closer, he wanted it more then what she had wished but he had respected her and kept from going to far with his affections. She knew his affection was based from Ashley's sudden death and yet they became close. She never did love him any more then a sister would a brother and even then the silence of not knowing where he was hurt the most for she still blamed herself for Ashley's death and his shattered heart that never had fully mended.
Sighing heavily, the Commander rested the spoon back in the half consumed stew. Her eyes watching her reflection in the stew's surface as her mind kept going back to Garrus. His injuries reminded her to much of how easy something could go wrong, how easy life can slip through your fingers no matter how hard you fight to keep it.
"Commander?"
Jumping she pulling her gaze from the stew looked up across the table at Doctor Chakwas with tray of food in hand looking at her with concerned eyes upon her aging face. "Doctor." He spoke nodding to the woman as she pulling a chair out, sat down with a soft noise. "It has been awhile since I have been on a ship since your… death." She spoke softly looking at the Commander, her eyes searching, looking the woman over.
"have you been eating well? Sleeping well? I understand Garrus's near death really shook you up, but perhaps more then even I have first perceived."
Uneasy with how this topic was going, Shepard looked to her stew as it grew colder by the passing minutes. "I… realized how easy life can be taken from you. How easy one can fail no matter how hard they try."
"Commander…"
The tender tone made her look up at the doctor as she with a solemn look, food ignored before her, held concern in her eyes. "This mission is going to be rough, and who knows if everyone will make it out alive. God knows I admit I was surprised to have survived the Normandy's destruction, to survive the Geth, Sovereign and Saren." The doctor spoke as she finally looking down at her food, picked up her fork and nudged at the piece of corn bread.
"How do I allow myself to lead my allies, my friends into battle with uncertainty of survival? How can I simply allow such a thing to happen?"
"Because… we choose to follow you into Hell, we choose to let you lead us into certain death with only a grasp of hope that we will make it home." Looking up at the doctor's smiling face, the Commander saw the unease and fear in her eyes yet also trust, hope. The fire to go on, to fight for what is right and to live shone in the doctors eyes.
"Now; I must ask why our Commander is so unsure of herself? You are so strong willed and willing to keep going even if we enter Hell. Remember we follow you because we choose to and will forever choose to. Now eat up, get your strength back and become the Commander Shepard we have come to know and love and loyally follow." Chuckled the doctor as she began to eat her food.
Shepard taking in her words, looked back at her stew and to the flickering journal pad right by her. Sighing she pushing the bowl from her, grabbed the journal pad and met the doctor's friendly eyes and smiled. "I need to look up locations for these recruits the Illusive man mentioned, if you would please excuse- Oof!"
Having risen to her feet to leave, Shepard turning while speaking gave a startled noise as her face met face to face with a metal encased chest. The deep smell of oil, charred metal and old smoke made her fall back and blinking peer up into the amused yet wondering pale blue eyes of Garrus. Mandibles twitching with amusement at her sudden lack of authority and grace.
Shepard just stared up at him, dumb struck at both having not sensed him behind her and why she was not moving now away from him. "Shepard. Anything I can do for you?" his voice spoke, reverberating through his armor into her body as it still pressed against his chest. Her emotions exposed in her eyes as she was unsure of what to really do, her mind racing as her heart fluttered.
Why can't I move?! Come on Shepard, move!
Garrus's amusement slipped from his eyes as he watched her face grow still, her barriers slipping over the emotions that were so raw in her eyes only moments before. "No Garrus, I apologize for not seeing you there." And with that the Commander slipped past him and headed off for the elevator.
Doors hissing shut, clutching the journal to her chest as if it were the last thing keeping her mind in check, Shepard's cheeks burned crimson with eyes shut, shaken by uncertainty why she had acted the way she had.
*
"Shepard?"
Doctor Chakwas looked at Garrus with concerned eyes as she saw the sadness in his while he watched the elevator door close and the hum of the machinery working.
Subconsciously his claws brushed the scars faintly on his face before feeling Chakwas gaze upon him making the turian look at her, his eyes hard. She saw his pain, his loss... but why would a turian look that way to… a human?
Unless…
Eyes went wide as she drawing back to reality watched as Garrus turning his back to her, headed back for the forward batteries, ignoring the cook's greeting as he passed.
*
Garrus stood before the mirror looking at his reflection; no longer did he hold his shoulders strongly; proudly. He felt broken inside as he ran his claws over his face, disfigured that even Shepard wouldn't look at him.
"Why does she effect me so?"
Garrus's weak voice spoke broken in the silence as he with a heavy sigh pressed his forehead against the reflective glass and closed his eyes wishing he hadn't awoken from the dark embrace. The former C-Sec turian who was once so proud and strong was breaking little by little inside as the blue eyes of a female woman haunted his mind.
*
"Garrus!"
The missile struck his body throwing the turian into the air crashing into the nearby wall shattering tiles.
His body collapsing onto the ground blood pooled all around.
"Garrus!!!"
Shepard screamed his name as she throwing her gun to the side raced to her fallen friend. Grabbing his shoulders and turning him onto his back her eyes widened and her heart stopped.
Eyes were agape with unseen fear as blood oozed from his mouth, his entire right side of his face gone leaving tissue and blood spilling all around, soaking through her armor as his heart thundered slowly to nothingness his eyes twitching focused on her as he with a weak amount of strength reached for her face.
Before his claws touched her tear soaked skin, his eyes rolled back, arm going limp and the turian she had come to care for and trust died within her arms.
"No… no… G- Garrus!!"
"Garrus!"
Blue eyes flew open, cold sweat trickled down her face as Shepard took ragged breaths, her body trembling. Arms wrapped around her bare upper body trying to calm her panicked heart.
Surprise filled her racing mind when she felt the tears slipping down her cheeks. Why? She had nightmares in the past but never of a single team member. Garrus Vakarian was haunting her memories… but… was it real, did he not survive the surgery?
That panicked the Commander. Throwing the blankets off she quickly pulling her off duty garments on raced out of her room and into the elevator.
"Clear!"
His body jumped a few inches as the electricity bolted through his chest, the machines still giving their piercing scream as his heart remained gone.
Shaking her head of the memories, Shepard burst through the elevator door as it hissing open exposed the near dark silent mess hall, only a few lights remained on for the night staff.
Coming to a stop at the small bedroom door within the forward batteries, Shepard took a deep breath, her mind still filled with the nightmares, with the memories of the medical lab. Rising her hand slowly she froze in mid knock. To many what ifs ran through her skull, to many memories, thoughts, nightmares…
"Shepard?!"
the door having hissed open bewildered eyes met fearful eyes as Garrus wearing his off duty garments stood there with book tucked loosely underneath one arm looking down with surprise at Shepard who looked up at him, hand still raised to knock and the fear he saw in her eyes made him stop.
Her heart pounded even harder in her chest but not of fear or panic… relief filled her heart as she suddenly realized it had been a nightmare… but now… fear returned as she weakly looked up at the Turian's surprised eyes. How would she explain being at his door so late at night? Because she had a bad dream?
"Shepard, what is wrong?"
His voice brought her back and blinking she fell back regaining her stiff posture and nodded to him. "I merely wished to see how you are settling in on the Normandy." She spoke in her commanding tone yet…
Garrus with a huff, his mandibles flexing with emotions she could not read, the turian reaching over laid the book on the console before fully looking at her, the emotions in his eyes were unreadable annoying the Commander to no end of wishing Turian's had muscles in their faces like humans so emotion was easier to read, to convey.
Crossing his arms he cocked his head to the side, sizing up his Commander, having served with her in the past, the turian got to know a bit about her, not humans as a whole but Commander Shepard herself as a being.
"Off the record, I will ask again. What is wrong?"
knowing she was not fooling him, Shepard lost the stiffness in her shoulders, emotional barriers broken as she looked up at him allowing the turian to see her true self. "I… I am sorry to bother you Garrus. I just… I had to make sure it was not true that you had died that day. That you really had survived." She spoke her eyes not faltering from his; she may have been embarrassed of being caught but not ashamed for showing concern for her crew.
*
Garrus seemed taken back by her words, the rawness her voice shown that was so rare for anyone to see. She was the one to comfort those that had fallen, he remembered Kaiden collapsing into her arms after Vermire. She was strong, even though she gave the order and the agony she faced for it, she remained strong for Kaiden; remained strong for her crew.
"Shepard; I am alive and well and am fit for duty like I had told you. Other then my face mangled I think I am still alive."
His mandibles twitched as he watched her, sadly concerned his attempt of lighting up the mood failed. It was so easy to get the Commander to smile, to help her over come her weariness and blaming herself for the deaths of what had happened with Saren and Sovereign.
With a soft breath escaping his mouth Garrus lifting his claws, rested them onto her left shoulder making her reach his gaze as his eyes smiled. "I am not going anywhere any time soon Shepard, I promise you that."
He saw the brightness grow in her eyes as she smiled weakly up at him. "I am glad you are here." Raising her hand up, Garrus flinched slightly of surprise as he felt her hand gently rest on the bend of his extended arm to her shoulder.
The hurt that filled her eyes made his mandibles shift uneasily even if the pain grew on the right side of his face. She dropped her arm and fell back making his claws fall from her shoulder. The barriers slipping back over her eyes as she kept her smile but it too lost its emotion.
"Sorry for bothering you Garrus. Good night."
Turning on her heel she walked out of the forward batteries.
"Good night…"
the door hissed shut as the turian stood there at a loss of emotions.
"… Shepard."
With a agitated noise Garrus looking at the book, shook his head and entered his room once more leaving it upon the flickering console as he unaware a certain AI focusing on the title.
'Understanding alien natures'
*
Back against the elevator wall as it hummed its way up to her chambers, Shepard whose head was hung could not stop the single tear that slipped down her cheek.
He flinched when she had touched him; did he despise humans as much as Saren? How could that be? Maybe it was just her? Then why follow her command, why remain after she had failed him and got him scarred?
"Commander; I sense your stress levels are rising, is all well?"
Shepard didn't even look up as EDI spoke within the elevator. "It's nothing, leave it be EDI." Her voice was gruff and harsh, seeing the AI remained silent, grim notice filled her mind as she entering the her room looked at the tossed bed sheets from her panic of getting to check on Garrus.
I am such a fool… how could I ever think he would…
Her train of thought made the Commander freeze in mid step back to her bed. Standing still and rigid half shutting her eyes, Shepard looked within herself, the memories she had recently and of the past… Meeting him, hearing his tales, getting to actually know the turian and having him become more then just an ally but a friend, a true friend…
Her eyes snapped open as she looked at her left hand. Since when had she ever considered it more then friendship? How could she? He was a turian; his people were hardly at a truce with the humans ever since the first contact war. On top of that… she was so much different then him, and it seemed by how he had flinched from her touch, he didn't want anything more then being just friends.
Grasping her hand into a tight fist, Shepard closed her eyes as she stood there wondering how such an emotional mess could have arisen when much more important things needed to be done; needed to have her full attention.
With a heavy sigh as her agony of it all made her heart ache, Shepard heading to her bed without even stripping back down to nothing, collapsed onto the mattress and with sadness encasing her with its chilly embrace, the Commander passed out unsure of what was to come anymore.
*
