I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)
THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!
WARNING: WARNING! WARNING! SELF HARM IS DESCRIBED IN DETAIL IN THIS CHAPTER! IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU, DO NOT READ! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.
I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.
Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!
(Most often, cutting or burning or hurting yourself in some other way is best understood as a form of coping, albeit not an ideal or lasting way of doing so. Still, it's something that can give a person a sense of control over their mental or emotional state when they feel they have none.
There's evidence that the relief that comes from the cessation of pain from self-harm actually induces positive emotions. Indeed, people who self-harm often report they do so to improve their emotional state, "getting a buzz" from the act, or to relieve distress or extremely low mood.) -taken from TheConversation
I want to tell you guys something personal. I used to self harm. The way I describe Bella doing it is how I would do it. I almost never did it on my arms because I knew I would get caught. I always did it on my upper thighs. It was my way of controlling my feelings. I did it for years until one day, I did it on my arms -maybe I wanted to get caught- and wore long sleeves in the dead of summer. My dad confronted me and that was it. I was put into therapy and I've never done it again. I learned better ways to handle my emotions. I'm really loud now; I don't hold anything in. If something bothers me, I will tell you. I can't hold back my feelings anymore because I don't want to revert back to the way it was. Thanks for listening.
Chapter Four.
Song: The Night We Met by Lord Huron
When the night was full of terrors
And your eyes were filled with tears
When you had not touched me yet
Oh, take me back to the night we met
The night I'm supposed to have my date with Edward does not start out well.
I have a nightmare that is so bad it makes me jumpy the rest of the morning. Then, I become irrationally angry when I can't find anything to wear. Everything is either too revealing or too constricting. Charlie stands in my doorway as I throw my clothes around my room in a temper tantrum.
"What can I do to help?" He asks me; his slightly greying mustache twitches.
I look at him with cloudy eyes and cry, "Why does Edward even want me? I'm useless! I'm disgusting!"
It doesn't even seem to phase Charlie as he approaches me slowly and wraps me in his arms. He brushes a hand down my hair and it soothes me.
"Let's go shopping," He suggests, "It's Wednesday; there shouldn't be many people out."
I sniffle, "You hate shopping," I say.
"So do you," He says back with a grin.
I rub my nose, "Okay but you won't leave me alone, right?" I hate sounding like a clingy toddler.
"Of course not, I have no where else to be," He teases me.
I exhale, "I'm sorry I'm so useless, dad."
He rolls his eyes at me, "Shut up, kid," He nudges my shoulder playfully before turning serious, "You know you're not useless, Bella. You went through a horrible thing; you're allowed to have your moments."
I stare at him. "I feel like I'll never get past this," I tell him honestly.
He squeezes my shoulder gently, "You're young, Bella, everything at your age feels like it'll never pass, but trust me, it does and soon, this will be just a horrible memory."
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Shopping with Charlie ends up being... fun and for a moment there, my heart doesn't hurt.
He sits outside the dressing room and waits for me. He makes a big show when he doesn't like something and makes me giggle and blush. I feel like a child again; bonding with my dad. I'm finally done and we head up to check out. I stay close to him; my arm touching his as we walk to the front. He's right though, there's no one here. As he pays, I stare at him. It's sad it took this to rebuild our relationship. I feel closer to him than I do my mom, Renee. When she said she wanted to come down here to help me heal, I almost had a panic attack and Charlie came to my rescue telling her I needed time.
The sun hits my face as we leave the store and I close my eyes. I open them and look at Charlie when he asks me if I'm alright.
"I love you, dad," I tell him in reply.
His eyes squint as he smiles, "I love you, too, Bella," He replies and pulls me forward toward his police cruiser.
When we get back to the house, I take a shower and cry when I know I'm alone. I'm a fake. An imposter. I don't have a handle on my emotions anymore. One minute I'm fine and the next, I'm crying or getting angry. So angry. The anger surprises me because I'm not usually an angry person but I'm so angry all the time. It feels like I'm bipolar. I have the highs and lows. The emotions fly at me like I'm on a roller coaster and I desperately want to get off. I can't control the pain, it controls me. I have no control of my life.
I watch the water circle down the drain as the shower continues to hit me. I turn the water on the hottest it goes and enjoy the burning it shoots across my skin. It feels like I'm cleansing Victoria's and Riley's touch from me. If I could, I would peel my skin off and put new skin on. Skin that was untouched. Skin that would be Edward's to touch for the first time. I look around the shower in a dazed panic and find Charlie's old straight razor. It glistens at me; calling me. I pick it up and it feels heavy in my hands. The metal is cold against my hot skin. I debate for a second on what to do before deciding to cut my thigh. My arms would be easily seen. No one would be seeing my thighs. I push the razor against my thigh and my eyes automatically close. I don't have to press hard when I feel the metal slicing into my delicate skin. The sting makes me open my eyes and I watch as the red pools against my pale skin. It drips down my thigh and onto the shower floor. I feel... relief. I feel pain. I feel in control of my pain. I feel like I can finally breathe. I slide the blade across my thigh two more times before I stop. I clean the blade off and put it back where it was. My thigh is still bleeding and I wonder if I've cut too deeply. I turn the shower off and dry myself off before pressing the black towel against my thigh. It eventually stops bleeding; leaving me with angry looking wounds. It makes me happy knowing that I caused them. Me. Not Victoria or Riley. Just me. I have the power over my own body.
As I'm getting dressed, I think about going to eat at a restaurant and work myself into a panic. Thinking about all the people that will be there; near me. I end up calling Edward but I'm unable to talk so he talks to me. He tells me how wonderful and strong I am. It makes me sob harder thinking about how phony I am. He asks me If I want him to come over to me and I finally croak out the word no. I'm finally able to get the words out to him.
"Baby, I wasn't planning on taking you to a restaurant," He tells me.
"Oh."
"Just trust me, okay?" He asks.
I let out the breath I'm holding, "Okay," I agree.
We say goodbye and he tells me he can't wait to see me as he hangs up. I toss my cell phone down onto my bed. I stare at my new comforter for a long second; remembering when I flipped out and made Charlie buy all new things. I couldn't look at the purple blanket without being back in that dungeon. My comforter is now black. Like my dead heart. I turn away and look at myself in the mirror; hating my reflection. I yank a brush through my hair before pulling it up into a high ponytail. I pull on a thin navy long sleeved shirt. It covers enough of my skin where I feel okay but it also makes me smile because I know it's Edward's favorite color against my pale skin. I tug my black skinny jeans up; loving the way the material hits my cuts and causes them to sting. It's a reminder that I'm alive. I stuff one foot into my black leather Chucks, mindful of the walking boot I'm now sporting, and I'm ready to go.
Edward arrives at 6pm on the dot. I hear Charlie grumble to himself as he gets up to let Edward into the house. He still doesn't like Edward for leaving me but he knows that he's in my life so he's dealing with it.
"Good evening, Chief Swan," I hear Edward greet and my heart starts to bang against my chest.
"Edward," Charlie grunts in response. "Bella should be down in a second."
"Okay." Edward agrees easily.
I slowly come down the stairs, sorta thumping as I go. I'm staring down at my leg and trying not to fall down the stairs when I finally make it. I look up and Edward is standing in front of me; waiting. He's handsome in fitted dark jeans and a grey v-neck. I frown; realizing that I'm not good enough for him.
"Bella? What's wrong?" He asks me; concern in his gold eyes.
I shake my head, "Nothing. Are you ready to go?" I wonder; wanting to change the subject.
He lets it go and smiles easily, "After you," He says and gets the door for me.
Charlie stands from his recliner and hugs me, "Have a good time, honey. Call me if you need anything." He looks pointedly at me.
My cheeks heat up, "Okay, dad, I will," I promise and kiss his cheek before fleeing. Too many emotions swirling in the air.
Edward helps me into his silver Volvo and memories rush back to me. I hold my breath; willing myself not to cry.
He gets in and turns to me, "Will you tell me what's wrong?" He almost pleads.
"Just all these memories, in this car, of us, of you," I ramble.
He visibly winces, "Bad memories?" He asks.
"No, great memories, it just hurts to know that I'll never be that girl again; I'll never be that happy again," I tell him honestly.
His knuckles turn white as he grips the steering wheel, "Yes, you will," He says determinedly.
I turn to look out the window, "I hope you're right."
He sighs heavily before starting the car. We drive silently for awhile before I realize where we are going. I look over to Edward and he's staring at me.
"Our meadow."
He nods, "Is this okay?" He asks back to being hesitant.
Tears fill my eyes, "Yes," I answer.
He carries the stuff for my picnic and we walk side by side. I'm slow but he doesn't seem to mind. I pay extra attention to the roots that cover the ground and try my best to not trip over anything. We finally approach the clearing and the feelings are too much. I start to cry. He doesn't say anything as we continue to walk. Finally, he stops and spreads out the blanket. He has fake candles all around us; lighting up the forrest. He lays out all the food he's prepared and sits down. He looks up; waiting for me to make a move. I finally sit across from him with my legs stretched out to the side. I balance myself on my hands as I watch him. He makes me a plate of different foods before handing it to me. I take a bite and close my eyes. It's delicious, of course. I continue eating; stuffing my face silently as he watches me. I don't take food for granted anymore after being starved. After a third plate, I sit my plate down on the blanket and look at him.
"I... I don't feel good enough for you," I tell him and startle him.
His brow furrows, "Why?" He wonders.
"Just... just look at you and look at me, we're from separate worlds. We don't even look like we belong together. You, you're perfect and I'm broken. You should be with someone else, someone like Tanya," I spit her name.
"I don't want Tanya. I want you." He says simply.
It angers me. "Why?! Why do you want me? You want to fuck me because someone else already has? I'm easy now, right? Is that it? Just do whatever you want so you can leave again, Edward!" I scream and yank my shirt off. He captures my arms before I can take anything else off and I struggle against him. "Get off of me, you asshole! You left me! You fucking left me! I hate you! I hate you!" I sob.
He holds me against him and starts to hum my lullaby. My struggling lessens before all I'm doing is crying against his grey shirt. He continues to hum and slowly I calm down.
"Do you want me to keep humming? I'll hum all night if it helps you," He says sweetly.
My heart clenches, "I'm never going to get better, am I?" I wonder.
He rests his cheek against the top of my head, "I will hum for the rest of your life if it helps you get better. I will do whatever it takes to help you, baby," He promises me.
I pull away from him and he stares at me with cautious eyes. I hate that look. I'm still sitting in his lap as I raise my hand to touch him. I ghost my fingers across his cheeks and he stays so still. It brings me back to the very beginning, when we first met, and sadness seeps into me. What I would give to go back to that time. I slowly start to get used to his coldness as I run my fingers down my perfect nose. I lightly touch his eyelids. I stroke his lips. I caress his collarbone. I touch anywhere that skin is showing. I lean away from him and wait until he opens his eyes. He stares back at me and then he raises his hand to me. I let him. I close my eyes as his cold fingers touch my eyelids. He spends extra time on my lips and when I open my eyes, I stare into intense burning gold ones. I lean towards him and he gets the hint. He closes our distance and allows me to press my lips against his. He is like a statue as I press harder against him. I exhale into his mouth and he responds. He kisses me back. He kisses me so lovingly that I shatter into a million pieces. He kisses me until I have to pull away to breathe.
I take his hand and place it over my heart, where it beats hectically, "It's yours, if you want it; please don't break it," I beg him.
"Never," He swears.
I close my eyes again and I can almost see our future. A future where I can be happy; where we can be happy. It tastes so sweet. It brings tears to my eyes.
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