Chapter 4

I had long since given up the notion that anything my dad had taught me was true. Only after I was kicked out did I actually consider that he had said was wrong, but when I did it all made sense. It took me most of the summer to come to the conclusion that his ideals didn't make me, me. And I definitely didn't want to be like my father. I figured there could only be so much bigotry in the world and I didn't plan to add to it.

The problem arose when I tried to make my religion coincide with my new point of view. I was a Christian. God was the one god that I prayed to. I had been going to church since I was born. It was a long fight with myself when I tried to figure out where I stood, but then I made a decision.

I would try my hardest to be the best I could. Who can find fault in that? I might not be the kindest, or go out of my way to help people, but if and when I do something important, I would try my hardest. It was a good compromise for me. I dropped going to church though. It was just too hard to disassociate it with my father and his opinions.

I don't know what I would have done if I had a dream like that last year; I do know that I would have been freaking out way more than I am right now. If by freaking out I mean laying on my bed and remembering every little detail that I could of that dream and smiling like a maniac even though I knew I shouldn't be. Seeing as Rachel most likely didn't even want to be friends with me, let alone something more. My heart was glutton for punishment, and then praying for more apparently.

I glanced at the clock.

7:30

I hadn't slept a wink after that dream.

I probably wouldn't have gone to school today anyway, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. No school for me. A quick text to my mom telling her I was sick, and it was settled. I pulled the covers more securely over myyself falling asleep soon after.

_-(*)-(*)-(*)-_

I spent all day in bed. Except for the one trip downstairs to procure snacks and beverages. Mother was normally gone doing who knows what during the day and most of the night, so I was left on my own. The house was quiet and it almost made me question if there was a world outside of my room. It was a silly notion. I still found myself imagining what would happen if it were true. It was a great fantasy until I realized I would probably die of starvation within a couple of days. These doritos definitely wouldn't last me very long.

Oh well.

I did get some things done though. I finished my book, and started on The Order of the Phoenix. I got all my homework done that I should have done the previous night. I even started watching the first season of Survivorman. I'm sure that more than covers missing one day of school. Who cares about Pre-Calculus when you're stuck in the wild with no food or shelter.

"Quinn."

Santana stood on the threshold of my room. She was looking around my room, as if she were searching for something. I wasn't entirely surprised to see her. I watched as she strode across the room and sat on my computer chair.

"Put the key back where you found it?" I questioned warily. Santana's head jerked forward in a curt kind of nod. I waited impatiently for her to say what was on her mind.

"I don't know what's up with you," She started slowly. "You've been weird since school started."

Her eyes continued to travel around. Then they connected with mine and determination flashed across her face.

"I know you don't owe me anything. I'm not here to fight with you over how our 'friendship'," Her fingers lifted in air quotes, "isn't more than what acquaintances would be. I just want you to talk to me. I promise not to say anything judgy unless it is entirely necessary," she grinned a little at the last bit, and then stared at me expectantly.

I almost wanted to just send her away with no explanation. Maybe throw in a couple rude comments so that she wouldn't come back. But I knew Santana, I knew Santana would take any of those actions as the defense maneuver they are. She was nothing but loyally stubborn at the worst times. When it was directed at you your best option is to just give.

_-(*)-(*)-(*)-_

I knew there was no getting rid of Santana without a proper explanation, so that's what I did. I told her about my father, even though she already knew, my guilt for the bullying I had done previous, I even touched on the topic of liking someone. I didn't tell her who, but I did tell her it was someone who I had no business being with.

She listened through the entire thing. I was surprised she hadn't interrupted once. She stayed silent though, and when I finished she was thoughtfully staring off into space.

"Okay," she nodded to herself, "Okay."

She met my eyes now.

"So here's the plan," Santana said. "You're either gonna join Glee or Cheerios. Going off of what you've been sayin' about the guilt, I'd recommend Glee. That way you can get those guys off your back, and you don't have to be a bitch. I would keep the HBIC outer appearance so that you don't get slushied if I were you."

"I didn't really think I was going to get away with going through the year the way I had planned," I sighed. I had hoped of course, but I knew better than the expect things to go according to carefully laid out paths. Topic change time. "So what's been up with you and Brittany?"

"How about we not talk about that," Santana growled. I looked at her questioningly. She seemed to rethink her response. "She's with Artie. That's all."

My brows knit together as I looked at her slumped posture. She was obviously not happy with this at all.

"You know I'd listen just like you did, right?" She nodded and that was it.

_-(*)-(*)-(*)-_

Santana left soon after. Her parting words were in true Santana fashion. She threatened me with another surprise visit if I wasn't in school the next day. It was followed by a narrowing of eyes that were pinned me in place and was followed by a slammed door.

Mother arrived an hour later to find me in the kitchen eating a quick salad. She had said a small greeting then disappeared to her room. She didn't ask about why I didn't go to school, and I didn't ask where she had been all day. It was a case of mutual disinterest. The great thing about it was that I didn't care.

I sent an email to Mr. Schue informing him that I would be there for Glee club tomorrow. I didn't get a message back, but I expected that.

I laid in bed, eyes closed, arms curled around a pillow. I could almost imagine Rachel next to me, and though it really shouldn't've, it comforted me. Last night's lack of sleep caught up to me now. For just a time I didn't need to question the arms of Dream Rachel that wrapped around me. For now they were just there. Tomorrow they'd be gone. The feeling's would stay. I knew that.