I woke up the next morning feeling horrible and disappointed with myself and my parents. I got ready for school early; I wanted to avoid Alex this morning. Again I wore a long sleeved sweater, I knew it wasn't a cold day, but I had to cover up the bandage. I was glad no one from the gang was there; I didn't want to speak to any of them. I hid from them until the bell went for home room; Jack was in my home room so there was no avoiding him. I sat at the back of the room with my iPod in. An arm slipped around my shoulder and I looked up to see Jack standing over me.
"Hey "I said to him, moving his arm off my shoulder
"How are you this fine morning?" he asked
"I'm fine, just tired" I lied
"Stay off the phone to Alex then!" I laughed at this
"It wasn't another late night phone call to Alex, I just couldn't sleep"
"Okay then" he said patting my head. I was glad that he couldn't tell when I was lying; he is oblivious to half the stuff that goes on in the world.
I was glad when the bell went, Jack had talked to me the whole time in home room, but I completely zoned out. I went straight to my locker and got the books I need for my morning lessons. I skulled some of my water, it was getting hotter and wearing my sweater wasn't helping.
"Hey" Alex said leaning in to kiss me, but I turned away so he only got my cheek. He frowned a little at that. "I missed you this morning, where were you?"
"I got to school early"
"What person wants to get to school early" I just shrugged and looked down at my feet.
"Hey what's wrong?" Alex said grabbing me by the wrist, I winced in pain.
"Nothing, I'm fine" I said for the second time this morning
"Jasey, what was that?"
"What was what?" I said playing dumb
"You know exactly what" He grabbed my arm and led me away from the crowded hallways into an empty classroom.
I sat down on a desk when he'd shut the door and then turned around to face me, giving me an 'I know something's up' look.
"So are you going to tell me?"
"I don't know what you mean!"
"Yes you do" I looked down to avoid his gaze and pulled the sleeve of my sweater tight, just to make sure it was covering the bandage. I instantly regretted doing that. Alex crossed the space between us, grabbed my arms and pulled up my sleeve, revealing the bandage covering my cuts.
"Jasey, what the hell!"
"I'm sorry" my voice barely a whisper
"When did you do this?"
"Not long after I got home"
"Why didn't you say anything to me?" he looked at me with his eyes full of concern and sadness "You promised me after last time, you would tell me every time about everything"
Close to the end of freshman year, I got really depressed. I'm not sure if it was because of the stress of high school or the fact that my parents nearly split up and got a divorce and were fighting all the time, but it was the worst time of my life. I used to cut badly and wouldn't eat properly. My self-esteem was so low and I ignored everyone. I made a promise to him, after cutting so badly that I passed out in my room, to always tell him every time I cut or wanted to.
"I know, I'm sorry" a tear slid down my face
"Why?"
"I don't….I can't tell you"
"Why not! I remember when you were like this last time. You weren't yourself and refused to talk to anybody, even me. We agreed no secrets between us, ever" he emphasized the last word
"I know we did Alex, but this is different"
"No it's not!"
"You don't have get angry with me!"
"I'm not, I just want to know why, and I don't want a repeat of last time"
"I'll tell you, but now….I just can't"
"I'm not falling for the excuses again! I did in freshman year and you nearly killed yourself"
"Why is it so hard for you to believe and trust me on this!"
"Because we've been through this before!"
"That has nothing to do with this!"
"It has everything to do with this!"
"Get out" I said quietly, tired of the yelling. I said it just loud enough for him to hear
"What?" he said, slightly taken aback
"You heard me, get out!"
He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. He looked angry but also sad. He punched the doorframe hard and then left. I finally let the tears that I was holding back fall, I hated this.
I left the room not long after Alex and walked to my first class, my footsteps echoing in the now empty and silent hallway. I gave an excuse to my teacher once I got to class and sat up the back. Unfortunately for me, it was English and Alex was right beside me. I ignored him for the whole lesson, but I could feel him watching me. A piece of paper flew onto my desk, I recognised Alex's familiar and flicked it off onto the floor. I heard him sigh beside me, but I couldn't look at him.
The morning flew by really quickly and I was glad it was finally lunch. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep I had last night and arguing with Alex, the school work wasn't doing wonders either. I walked into the cafeteria, everyone else was already there at the table, laughing and having a good time. They all looked at me and called me over, except for Alex who kept his head down. I grabbed my food and practically ran out to the auditorium. I couldn't deal with them, especially Alex.
