For a Sick Boy
Chapter Four
'This is (not) a love song'
You seem to know a lot about me.
How do you know so much…?
…
Oh.
I see how it is.
You're not 'authorized' to tell me. It's classified information?
…That's fine. I expected as much.
Are you a stalker?
Ahahaha- no, it's okay, don't look so shocked; I'm joking.
I don't suppose most stalkers would wear so much white- it would make them stand out far, far too much.
So you're not a stalker.
Haha- don't look so nervous. I never even considered it as a serious possibility.
My mind wanders- and I say a lot of things I don't mean. Please ignore it; it's not important.
You seem to possess a lot of information about me, though. It's a little shocking. I should be worried- but I'm not. In fact, it seems only natural you would know so much about me; though I'm not sure why I feel this way.
…It's not important, I suppose.
Well, it doubtlessly is- but I don't want to dwell on that for too long.
You've asked me a lot of questions about myself, you know? Don't I get a turn?
Can I ask you a question?
Huh?
It doesn't work that way?
That doesn't seem very fair. Just let me ask one thing.
One small thing.
It won't take long.
I promise.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Okay?
Okaayy?
…Ahaha- I sound like Rin. I'm not usually this bratty, I promise; I'm just feeling a little restless.
Can I ask my question?
…Thank you.
Do you know a girl called Sukone Tei?
…Ah. I see your eyes light up in understanding.
So you do know her.
Then again, I'm not too surprised. A lot of people knew who Sukone Tei was- for she was something of a legend at our high school. But not in a good way.
She was… a pretty girl, I suppose- though far, far too skinny. Her sailor uniform- from what I remember- always used to hang around her body in real folds, her skirt falling well past her knees whilst the other girls (Rin included) liked to wear their skirts indecently short. The sleeves of Tei's winter uniform were much too long, hanging past her hands even when she flexed her fingers fully. Tei always had to roll her sleeves up once, twice, several times, so they wouldn't get in her way when she wrote; and I can remember her biting her lip in irritation as she pulled those sleeves up with more force than necessary.
In her school uniform- and I'm not trying to be cruel here, for there was a certain kind of ethereal, other-worldly beauty about her- Tei looked like a bundle of sticks swathed in material.
Either that, or a corpse.
Her skin was deathly white, as though she'd risen from the grave; and there were always thick purplish-black grooves under her sickly, red-rimmed eyes.
I'm not sure what her home life was like- but I can only imagine it was…
Well.
There were rumours about her 'home life'; only it didn't sound too 'homely'.
Dead mother.
Drunken father.
Too poor to buy a school uniform that fit.
Your typical sob story.
I'm not sure how much of it was true- but you probably know more about Tei than I do.
You seem to know a lot.
Especially about… troubled… people like Tei.
And me.
Ahahaha…
I can see the understanding in your eyes- and I know I'm right.
It seems a little strange that I'm being lumped together with Sukone Tei now- especially when I spent the majority of my high school life trying to avoid her.
Trying to avoid being placed into the same category as she was.
Tei drifted through the corridors of our school in a dream, her eyes half-lidded; moving like fog as it rolled over the beach. There was something very eerie about that girl- and her long waves of beautiful silver hair only added to her wraith-like image.
I always thought she was beautiful.
Depressing…
But beautiful.
Maybe that was why the other girls hated her so much.
Jealousy.
Sukone Tei, whether she was ware of it or not, turned heads wherever she went; her misty, dream-like, will-o'-the-wisp presence reaching like shadowy fingers into the hearts of all who happened upon her.
I…
It's a little difficult of me to speak about Tei now, with her milky skin and white hair- her crimson eyes bright red slits set against a backdrop of purest ivory, like some fairytale princess- but I'm sure…
I'm sure I'm right when I say no girl exists on the planet, nor ever will exist in the future, quite like Sukone Tei.
Maybe, if Tei hadn't been so pretty, the other girls would have left her alone.
Maybe…
Maybe they wouldn't have been so cruel to her.
B-but if it hadn't been Tei they singled out it would have been somebody else; it always would have been somebody else- because human beings are cruel, and they like banding together to pick at the carcasses of the weak.
They like feeling stronger than others.
People get bullied for all kinds of reasons, you know; because they're a little too smart, or a little too shy, or a little too fat, a little too ugly…
Or, in Sukone Tei's case-
Because they're far too pretty.
And something that pretty can't exist in our world without somebody else trying to smash it for their own enjoyment.
If Tei had been uglier- if she hadn't looked like a wan, melancholy maiden stepped into high school straight from the pages of an ink illustration (a princess with porcelain skin and snow-white hair, apple-red lips and hazy, dreamy, misty eyes)- I don't think she would have have been quite so miserable.
But if they hadn't bullied Tei-
They would have found another victim.
Of that I'm sure.
Maybe Miku.
Maybe Kaito.
Maybe… maybe even me.
And I remember thinking, b-but.. But it pains to think of it now…
T-that it was good if it was Tei they bullied…
B-because at least it wasn't me.
So that was fine.
T-that was…
That was fine.
I'm not sure what Tei did to pique Akita Neru's attention- but, no matter the reason (it was probably something small, stupid- completely ridiculous), rumours about Tei began circulating the school after Neru set her eyes upon her.
Horrible rumours.
I-I don't really want to go into them, but…
Well.
There were stories she… stupid stories, completely exaggerated, and I'm sure none of them were true… but there were stories Tei had some strange… 'torture' fetish, and liked to harm small animals for her own enjoyment; and there were other stories, too- about how she was a prostitute- which is a real problem affecting a lot of girls, isn't it? But what a girl does with her own body in her free time is… It's not relevant… T-things like that private.
Ha…
I probably care about this even more than most given my own 'feelings' towards Rin, but I think- even if I didn't… well. You know how I feel about Rin. Let's not pick at old wounds anymore, okay?- that I would feel the same as I do now.
There are some things the general public don't need to know.
I didn't believe the rumours.
I don't think anybody did.
But everybody in my class- like me- was so… so cowardly, and so incredibly glad, it was Tei- weak, dreamy, pretty Tei, who couldn't defend herself from the cruel words of her abusers no more than a newborn baby bird could defend itself from the jaws of a snake- who was being singled out, and not them, that they didn't help her.
Nobody helped her.
I remember once… T-this is just one incident, out of a long string of incidents- but I remember somebody stole Tei's indoor shoes, so Tei had to walk about barefoot; and the teacher sent Tei out of the class until she'd 'adhered to the proper dress code.'
Tei didn't come back to class that day.
She couldn't have done- because her shoes had been removed from her locker, and she had no idea where they'd gone.
Another time, somebody- I don't even know who- took their compass and scrawled things into Tei's desk; horrible things that I don't even want to repeat.
These aren't the only incidents I know about- and I'm sure there were more (far, far more)- but I…
I don't want to talk about it too much.
This bullying was confined to our class- and I'm not sure how much the other students knew about it- and I frequently told myself if I was Rin (if I was strong like her) I would have interjected when they stole Tei's shoes, and I would stopped the person from carving spiteful messages into Tei's desk.
If I was more like Rin, I would have tried to help her.
I would have intervened.
But I wasn't Rin.
I'll never be Rin.
Rin wasn't in my class; Rin wasn't there to help; and I was only boring, plain Kagamine Len; the quiet kid who sat in the corner reading, whilst Tei was driven from the classroom near to tears on an almost daily basis.
I never said a thing…
I didn't do anything.
Because I knew just how easily I could have become a Sukone Tei myself.
But…
Tei wasn't a ghost that passed through my life, her feet leaving no footprints on my heart; because she did manage to make an impression.
I did talk to Tei.
A long time ago.
Just once.
It was… about a month before…
Well…
You know.
You do know.
I'm sure you do.
I met Sukone Tei on the bus home; and I hardly ever took the bus (I usually walked)- but my bad had been unusually heavy that day, and the weather had been far too cold, and perhaps I'd just been feeling lazy anyway; but, regardless, I took the bus.
That's all that really matters.
This one day in my life- this one stupid day, this one stupid decision- I took the bus.
And there was only one seat left.
It was next to Tei.
If I'd have seen that on time, I probably would've turned right round and walked off the bus- and maybe then Tei would've made no bigger an impact on my life than a baby's footsteps on the floor, and that would have been fine-
It would have been fine.
But, by this time, I'd already paid for my ticket- and I couldn't very well just leave.
Well…
I could have done; but I've always been stubborn (not quite as stubborn as Rin- but I can still be fairly obstinate; especially when it comes to things like homework), and I didn't want to waste my money.
I didn't want to turn around and look like an idiot.
I remember I'd contemplated just standing up- pretending I hadn't seen there was a free seat next to Tei- but Tei's crimson eyes caught mine, and she…
She gave me a small smile.
The smallest of small smiles; tentative, nervous, shy- but still an unmistakable smile.
I'd never seen Tei smile before.
After that, I'd known I couldn't simply ignore her- not after she'd seen me- so I returned Tei's smile with a shaky, unconvincing smile of my own, and I took the free seat beside her just as the bus began to move again. I hadn't quite sat down when it started to move, though- and the sudden movement made me fly forwards, nearly hitting my head on the seat in front of me…
And then Tei's bony, pale hand landed on my shoulder- pulling me back before I cracked my teeth against the back of the other person's seat; and she'd…
She'd laughed.
Ever so softly.
Her laughter had been all-but eaten up by the sounds of people coughing, talking on their cell phones, a baby at the front crying, and the whir of engines, the skid of tyres, as the bus continued forwards; but she had laughed, all the same.
A quiet laugh.
Understated.
Just like her smile.
"Don't hurt yourself," Tei had said- her voice serious; but she was still smiling. "It would be a shame if you spoilt your face…"
Tei had sounded so…
So normal.
Her voice slowly trailed off into oblivion, and she began to blush- as though she was embarrassed; and, given her deathly skin, any splash of color against those white cheeks was fairly noticeable.
I don't know what I'd been expecting. I'd half-thought- considering all the rumours about Tei that circulated our school- that…
I don't know.
That there had been something strange about her after all.
But- as I sat there, looking at her flushed face (and she ducked her head, trying to hide behind her cascade of silver hair; I'm sure she was nervous)- there was… There wasn't anything overtly 'strange' about Tei.
She seemed like a nice girl.
A normal girl.
A little bit like Miku.
Then again…
What does 'normal' mean, anyway?
It's just a label.
Maybe it doesn't mean that much at all.
Because- even though Tei was sweet and friendly, but painfully shy (I think she was only so shy because of those months upon months of relentless bullying; and it stacked up like snowdrifts, weighing down on her fragile body until she could barely breathe), she was persecuted as though she were a witch, or a leper.
In fact…
Ahahaha.
Persecution isn't anything new, is it? It always happens; across the centauries.
No matter how much human being evolve, and how devoted we become in our pursuit for 'equal rights', we always trample people underfoot; weak, fragile people like Sukone Tei, that get broken easily- stamping their hearts into the dust until there's nothing left to.
It's a coping mechanism.
At least there's somebody worse off than me… At least I'm in a better position than them…
That's what it is.
That's why labels like 'normal' and 'abnormal' were created; so we can single people out- people different from us- and beat them into the ground, again and again, until they can't stand up.
I talked to Sukone Tei, on that bus on that cold day; and I don't remember what day of the week it was, exactly, but I don't think it matters all that much. I can't even remember what we discussed- but I can remember how Tei slowly, oh so slowly, was drawn out of her shell. Like the petals of an opening flower, Tei bloomed as I sat with her- speaking quietly, our voices masked by the idle chatter of others- until she was almost unrecognisable from the dreamy, quiet girl I saw drifting like smoke through the corridors of our school.
Tei liked horror movies- especially the older ones, with awful animatronics and sub-par 'special effects'.
Tei's favourite vegetable was the cucumber- but she didn't know why, 'just because'.
Her favourite season was winter, because she liked putting her footprints in the white snow- she woke up early, sometimes at four or five in the morning, during winter, just so she could look at the unsullied expanse of white outside her bedroom window; and she'd said, her eyes sparkling, that it was 'magical'.
She'd never been afraid of blood; and once she'd been outside with one of her friends, and Tei had stumbled- fallen over a raised bit of sidewalk- and scraped her knee so badly on some broken glass she'd needed five stitches. Her friend had panicked- ran away- and, in the end, it had been Tei, sat on the floor, who'd had to ask somebody if she could borrow their cell phone so she could call for an ambulance herself.
I learnt a lot about Sukone Tei in that short, twenty minute long bus ride; and we'd sat closely together, smiling, laughing- sharing childhood stories as though we were good friends.
As though we'd known each other all our lives.
Our voices had blended in with the conversation of the people around us- with the sound of the girl behind me popping gum, and the music flitting through the air from the radio, and from the hum of the engine- and, at that moment, we…
We belonged.
Both of us.
Tei and I…
We weren't so different.
Human beings, in general- if you can look past the rumours and stories and cruel words that surround them- are fairly similar… If you give them a chance to open up to you.
If you give them a chance to smile.
But nobody had given Tei that chance.
I…
I like to think I made her smile…
For a few moments.
Even if a brief smile in a lifetime of loneliness isn't worth much.
Maybe it's worth nothing at all…
B-but I like to think…
I missed my bus stop, I was so engrossed in talking to her; trying to make that lonely, broken girl smile- because she never smiled at school; and I'd flushed red when Tei had said, oh so innocently, "I'm glad you enjoy my company, but you can't come home with me…"
And we'd both laughed- both of us blushing.
We both smiled.
I didn't know…
I didn't know much at all about Tei.
I hadn't known she was going to commit suicide just a month after our exchange.
And she hadn't known I was in love with my twin sister; that I dreamt about Rin every night, and even in my dreams Rin cried because even in my fantasies I couldn't be free of the knowledge it was wrong.
I was wrong.
I hadn't known…
Tei and I had spoke about so much; but I hadn't known (how could I have known?) that I was… perhaps the last person who'd seen Sukone Tei smile.
I think, after we spoke to each other- after we became 'friends', I suppose- she suspected I would stay with her at school.
That I'd… try to protect her.
Because I knew.
I knew she was perfectly normal- and just a little lonely.
But I didn't.
I didn't do a thing.
I'm…
I'm not a brave person, okay? And I think I did resolve I'd try to stick by her; that I'd try to make Tei smile- because… Because didn't deserve to be bullied, she didn't deserve it at all, and maybe- if everybody stopped throwing stones and spreading rumours and tripping Tei in corridors and stealing her possessions and laughing at her, always laughing at her- Tei could be happy too.
But the very next day of school, when I walked into homeroom and took my seat by the window- my resolve crumbled into dust.
Tei had been sat at her own seat at the back of the class, her head buried in her hands- and, stood all about her, had been four or five girls; but Akita was in the centre, her hands on her hips, a cruel smile on her face.
I don't know what they were saying.
I didn't want to hear what they were saying.
Tei- poor, persecuted Tei, with her crimson eyes and pale skin (her favourite food was cucumbers, she liked putting footprints into freshly fallen snow, and she loved old, cheesy horror movies with unconvincing animatronics)- had turned to look at me, sat at the front of the class-
And I think she was pleading.
N-no…
I'm sure she was pleading.
But I…
Well…
I-I'd rather it was Tei than me…
I'd rather she was the one being hurt-
Because it meant I wasn't.
A-and, whilst there might have been rumours circulating that Tei was mentally unstable, and a stalker, and a thousand other things besides- she was anorexic, she was abused by her father, she'd transferred into our school because she was so weird and unpopular nobody liked her- I was worse.
I was much, much worse.
I still am.
I'm disgusting.
Sick…
I'm the strange one.
I'm the one Neru and her friends should have been mocking- b-but, somehow, I've always been good at wearing a mask; at pretending I'm something I'm not.
At pretending I'm 'normal'.
But some apples look healthy on the outside, don't they? But when you bite into them, they're all withered- brown inside and decaying, disgusting- and they taste of rot and ruin and mould rather than delicious fruit.
Tei was a normal girl who simply looked strange.
I was a strange person who appeared 'normal'.
A-and if they were going to bully Tei…
That was okay.
That was fine.
Because it wasn't me.
I…
I-I…
I'm only human.
And not even a very good human, either.
Because- when Tei looked at me, her eyes filled with fear and worry and hope, so much hope pouring out of those crimson eyes, out of her heart, and onto the floor because we'd talked and we'd laughed and I knew Tei's favourite colour and Tei knew I loved Studio Ghibli and Tei had told me she hated sappy romance novels and I'd laughed and agreed with her, we'd both laughed together like we were friends and maybe she thought we were maybe she thought somebody finally cared- I hadn't been able to meet her gaze.
I…
For a few seconds, I'd wondered.
Wondered what it would be like if I was stronger.
Braver.
And then those few seconds had gone…
And I'd looked away.
I turned my back on her.
But, before I did- I'd seen the hurt flash across her eyes; and I'd known I'd just torn her heart out of her chest and kicked it across the floor.
We'd laughed together the day before…
But I never saw Sukone Tei smile after that.
And, one month later, when we learnt she'd committed suicide…
I-it was awful, really; she'd drifted out into the middle of the road, moving, as always, as though she was made of vapour rather than flesh and blood; but she HAD been made of flesh because her body had hit the car with a sickening crunch and there had been blood so much blood all over the road, running into the drain
And Tei might have looked like a fairytale princess
But she was still a human
She was still made of flesh and blood
She still died
Her body twisting through the air
Hitting the road
And I didn't see it
i didn't see it
but i can imagine
always
i've imagined, in my half-asleep states, what expression was playing across tei's face as she died (and it wasn't instant it happened over a period of time she lost blood too much blood- it was funny she had so much blood in her when she looked so pale funny right?)
and i've wondered if she hated me
and what was she thinking
when she died…?
did she condemn me?
would that make me feel any better?
Would that satisfy me?
If she hated me…
Could I feel less guilty?
But I don't think she did.
I don't think she hated me.
Instead, I think she was…
Disappointed.
And maybe, when she died- she was too wrapped up in herself and her own problems and her own pain and worry and fear-
To even remember, once upon a time, a blond boy called Kagamine Len had ever tried to help her at all.
She got hit by a car- and they said they weren't sure if it was an accident or not, but how could you get hit by a car by accident? It was on purpose, she'd done it to herself because those girls had made her life hell and they never stopped they wouldn't stop- and the one person she thought she could trust had left her because he was a coward and he didn't want to be the next Sukone Tei.
He'd known Tei loved the snow and she didn't like spicy food, and he'd known Tei loved old horror movies and hated romance novels- and he'd known (he'd known, even though Tei didn't say it) that she was lonely; oh so lonely-
Painfully lonely and screaming for help.
She reached out her hand.
I took it.
And then I let it go.
I'd killed her.
I killed her.
S-sure, it wasn't directly; and I didn't push her under the car- she did that herself-
But I'd driven her to it.
But it was okay.
Because it was Tei who'd been bullied, not me- and my secret was safe- and nobody knew-
And that was okay.
Ahaha…
Ahahaha…
I-I don't know why I'm laughing…
W-when I feel like crying.
W-we humans have funny ways of coping with stress, don't we?
Ah…
Ahaha…
Y-you know, it's funny.
I-I've never told anybody about that before.
I never even told Rin.
I never told her- because I know she'd judge me.
If Rin was in my situation- if she'd known what was happening to Sukone Tei every day; if she'd known Tei's heart had been ground underfoot by a group of pathetic, spiteful, depressed, incredibly human girls who were scared and flawed and imperfect just like me because we were all humans and we all made mistakes (and they didn't mean it; they didn't- they weren't horrible people, they were just misguided and they needed other people to hurt to make themselves feel better)- she would have saved Tei.
I know Rin would've.
Rin's that kind of person.
A-and I could never tell Rin…
That I'd held my hand out to Sukone Tei-
And pulled it away even more quickly.
Pathetic.
I'm pathetic.
S-so…
I-I don't know why I'm laughing…
I guess, in a way, it feels strangely cathartic; a release, somehow.
Sure- I didn't do anything 'wrong'.
But I didn't do anything 'right', either- a-and I think that's the worst thing.
I could have helped.
But I didn't.
I let that poor girl go through hell to save my own skin; and I let her walk under a car and splatter herself across the road because I held sick fantasies about screwing my twin sister and I didn't want anyone to know- I wanted to remain unnoticeable; the shy kid who read books.
Not the kid who tried to save girls who were screaming for help with their bloody red eyes and pinched-shut mouths.
And I certainly didn't want to be the sick, disturbed boy who wanted to fuck his twin sister.
Even though that's who I was…
And who I am.
B-but I didn't want to be that Kagamine Len.
Not at school.
Nowhere, but inside my own head- can I be who I really am.
So, instead…
Driven by fear- selfish, so selfish- I…
I…
I…
I become the boy who let Sukone Tei die…
A-and that…
That…
That's just human nature, isn't it?
It is…
You don't have to forgive me- even if you might have done the same thing in my position (it's easy to condemn people when you're not in the same situation, isn't it? It's easy- so easy).
Don't forgive me.
I've never forgiven myself.
B-but that's just another thing…
I can add to the list of terrible things I've done…
S-so it doesn't matter…
I-it doesn't matter…
…
…
…
N-no…
I'm not crying…
I-I'll be fine. I'll be…
D-don't worry.
I'm still here.
I'm not the one who walked under a car, am I?
Ahahaha…
Hahaha…
…
…
I-It hurts to laugh…
But I'm…
I'm afraid…
To stop…
…
…
A-and I haven't even told you the worst of it…
a/n: I feel there isn't enough emotion in this chapter ._.
Oh well.
I have personally been in a situation /somewhat/ similar to the one presented in this chapter here, and… yeah.
Guilt like that is never nice- even if what I was involved in was nowhere near this bad XD
I promise more Rin/Len next chapter- this chapter exists because I like being a jerk and making Len's life even more complicated, and yeah he overthinks things so he only makes awful situations like this worse for himself XD
renahhchen xoxo
