December 23, 1977 (The Third Tale)
With only a couple of days before Christmas, things began to look up at the Muppet Theater. For Diana, it really felt like the holidays again. Preparations for the pageant were completely done, Fozzie's mother decided to stay over for the week, all decorations and shopping were finished, and – most importantly – Joanie had been able to spend more time with her, just like they used to before she gained her abilities. All that needed to be done before everyone could relax into the twenty-fifth of December was the "business dinner" with J.P. Grosse. The dinner focused on Grosse giving his approval for the pageant; it was important for everyone that he did, since he was the owner of the theater. Of course, Diana was confident that the dinner would go smoothly with everything well-organized for the big pageant.
While double-checking with just hours before J.P. Grosse arrived, Diana passed by Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker, who both carried a large box with an unusual product printed over it and a label that read "Wii U." Curious, she stopped and asked them, "Uh, hey, boys? What is that thing? A new Muppet Labs invention?"
"On the contrary, Ms. Navarro." Bunsen said. "It's a brilliant product that Miss Joanie conjured up with magic. Beaker and I guess that it's from the future." Beaker meeped in approval of the hypothesis.
Diana wasn't too pleased with this. She thought Joanie had learned her lesson about using her magic for trivial needs, especially giving bizarre presents like the one she had given Bunsen and Beaker. Immediately, she headed to the backstage area where she knew her daughter currently was. As she entered the area, she passed by a gigantic figure that stood in the room.
"Hi there," he greeted.
"Hello," grunted Diana, too upset to sound polite. She found Joanie sitting at the bottom of the staircase leading to the upstairs dressing rooms. The sorcerer hat was sitting atop her daughter's head and, at the moment she found her, she had a worried look upon her face. "Joanie…"
Joanie held up one hand in protest. "I know what you're gonna say. But, before we continue this conversation, let me introduce you to Ralph. Ralph, my mother."
She gestured to the figure she passed behind her and Diana turned to face him, getting a good look at him for the first time. He was gigantic and muscular with auburn hair and eyebrows, a pink nose, and abnormally large hands and feet. He wore brown overalls with one strap ripped, a green shirt beneath a red/orange plaid polo shirt, and no shoes (exposing his abnormally large feet). Up close, he looked as tall as Sweetums – if not taller – and resembled a Muppet, which was how Diana easily mistook him as a resident of the theater. The stranger, whose name apparently was Ralph, waved one of his large hands at Diana and said, "Hello…again."
Taken aback from the large character, Diana turned back to her daughter and frantically whispered, "What is he?"
Joanie shrugged. "Still trying to figure that one out myself. When he showed up here, the first thing he asked me was when we were first 'plugged in.'"
Diana grew more confused. "Plugged in? You mean like…an appliance?"
"Or an arcade game." Joanie deduced, scratching her head. "He must think he's in one."
"Terrific. A Disney character who promotes wasting time."
"Hey, I heard that," said an offended Ralph. "Video games aren't a waste of time."
Doing her best to ignore Ralph, Diana kept her focus on Joanie. "Why did you bring him here? I thought you were going to be more responsible over your magic."
"I didn't mean to bring him." Joanie defended her case. "My abilities have been in a flux lately."
"A flux?" Diana uttered. "What kind of a flux?"
"I dunno." Joanie said. "It might have something to do with my cold? I'm still trying to figure it out."
"Well, you better figure it out before J.P. Grosse arrives tonight for the business dinner." Diana warned.
Joanie seemed unnerved by her mother's update. "Wait. Scooter's uncle is coming here…tonight?"
At that moment, the stars and moon designs on her hat sparkled and glowed. They then heard the floorboards beneath them creak louder than usual as a pair of wooden eyes, looking at Joanie, Diana, and Ralph, and a wooden mouth that spoke in a creaky old man's voice suddenly emerged from one section. "Oh, thank goodness! I can finally speak my mind! You people seriously need to wipe your feet before walking in! You track so much dirt and filth that I've developed the most horrible taste in my mouth!" To emphasize its point, the talking floor spat out bits of dirt that hit Diana's black boots.
While Joanie and Diana looked on in horror at the suddenly animate floor, Ralph then approached the two women, rubbing his belly and saying, "You guys throwin' a dinner party tonight? Oh, wow. I'd love to stop by. I haven't had a good power-up in hours. Hey, how much health do you get here? They're not too strong, are they? I don't want to eat anything that'll make me like Mario and his mushrooms."
Between their two unexpected and bizarre new guests, Diana glared at Joanie, who felt very small looking up at her furious mother. "I'll go see Yen Sid right away," she guiltily assured.
"A curious case indeed, apprentice," said Yen Sid, standing in his workshop along with Joanie and Mickey. He examined his ancient hat, which he passed over to Joanie just months ago, after he helped transform her into the sorceress she was that day. "The abnormalities in your magic do not come from the hat. They come from you, young one."
He handed the hat back over to Joanie, who seemed more confused than before she arrived in the Fantasia realm to see him and Mickey. "So…it was my cold that messed up my powers."
Yen Sid shook his head. "No, it was not."
"Then what is it?" Joanie asked, but Yen Sid didn't respond; instead, he calmly sat down at his desk and folded his arms. "You're not gonna tell me, are you?" Again, he didn't say a word, which prompted Joanie to look over to Mickey and ask, "Is he always this secretive?"
Mickey, not expecting Joanie to have brought him into their conversation, stammered a response. "I…uh…Oh, gosh…uh…" He glanced over to Yen Sid, who shot him an intense stare as if to tell his other apprentice to remain silent himself. Heeding his master's stare, Mickey ignored Joanie's question and grabbed a nearby broom to pretend to sweep the floors with, despite the fact that he already did before Joanie's arrival.
"Only you can determine the faulty in your magic, apprentice." Yen Sid told Joanie, who didn't seem pleased with his answer.
She groaned and said, "The owner of the Muppet Theater – my home – is coming tonight for a dinner that could very well determine the future of the Muppets – my family. If I don't get this under control before then, I'll lose my home and my family."
"You allow one man to determine your destiny?" Yen Sid pondered aloud.
"You don't understand." Joanie said. "This is J.P. Grosse we're talking about. Just the mentioning on his name…well…it…" As Joanie tensely stumbled on her words, the hat glowed in her hands.
Suddenly, the broom in Mickey's hands came to life just as it did once before when he used magic. It danced around the workshop while Mickey chased after it, not wanting to relive the nightmare again. Fortunately, Yen Sid put a stop to the mayhem before it continued any longer, getting up from his desk and raising his hands up. The animated broom turned inanimate once again, leaving Mickey tackling and strangling an ordinary object. As soon as he realized what Yen Sid had done to the broom, Mickey dropped it and bashfully smiled.
Yen Sid sat back down at his desk, sighing.
"I'm so sorry, master," said a dejected Joanie. She then looked down at the hat in her hands and received a revelation. "Wait a minute. It is the hat! All of this weirdness only happens when I have it with me! If I just leave it here 'til after the business dinner, then everything will be fine!" She left the hat sitting on Yen Sid's desk and rushed out of the workshop. After a moment, however, she returned and looked a little sheepish. "Uh…I'm gonna need it to get back home."
Yen Sid tediously sighed over his apprentice's carelessness.
J.P. Grosse arrived on time for the business dinner. Thankfully, everyone at the Muppet Theater was fully prepared for his arrival. Diana and Joanie were both in dresses and carefully-applied makeup. On her mother's request, Joanie returned her purple hair to its usual brown shade, which slightly annoyed her; she already felt that she looked like Laura Ingalls with her dress.
While it was just the two of them setting the dinner table that was situated on the stage, Diana took the time to ask, "So were you able to take of your 'problem?'"
Joanie was momentarily stumped on the "problem" that her mother referred to. Once she caught on, she said, "Oh, yeah, I was. No thanks to Yen Sid though."
"What happened?"
"He said that my hat wasn't the problem, but me."
"What? Surely, you misunderstood him."
Joanie shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe it's just him twisting his words like he usually does. He says that I'm the problem, but what he really means is the hat's the problem. I left it in the prop room, far away from me for the next couple of hours."
Diana breathed with relief. "Oh, thank goodness. I can't stress enough how…"
"…much this dinner means everything for the theater." Joanie finished for her mother. "Mom, everything is going to be just fine. I promise." He gave her a reassuring smile that Diana happily returned.
Just as the two women were finished setting up the table, J.P. Grosse entered along with the other Muppets, including his nephew Scooter. Ralph showed up as well, much to the displeasure of Diana, but Joanie promised that the unusual Disney character wouldn't create much of a ruckus. That remained to be seen by Diana, who saw Ralph sit beside Grosse, towering over him.
Ralph went right to eating the appetizers that Diana and Joanie set beforehand, moaning delightfully as he took each bite. "Mmm! How 'bout this macaroni and cheese, eh?" He said to Grosse, who looked uncomfortable just sitting next to him. "They don't make good power-ups like this from the game I come from!"
Grosse glanced at Ralph and shook his head, looking Kermit's way. "You know, Frog, between this guy and that talking floor ya got back there, you've got quite the madhouse here."
Kermit nervously nodded. "I, uh, knew that I was running one the day I took the job, sir."
Grosse grunted a response. "So where's this main course I've been expecting? Haven't eaten all day."
"Chef's cooking us up quite the turkey, Uncle J.P." Scooter said.
"Good. Good." Grosse said before taking a puff of his cigar and getting right to business. "So what will this pageant of yours have, Frog?"
"Well, we mostly have the usual scheme of things – singing, dancing, jokes, stunts…"
"Stunts?" A surprised J.P. remarked.
"Oh, I've got that covered." Gonzo said. "I'm planning on testing the myth of Santa and his reindeer by shooting myself, dressed as Santa, and eight live reindeer out of a cannon."
Just hearing Gonzo describe the stunt made everyone else at the table, especially J.P. Grosse, immensely uncomfortable. "That doesn't sound like something for a Christmas pageant," said J.P. "Sounds more like something out of an illegal dog and pony show."
Robin tapped on Joanie's arm and whispered, "How is a dog and pony show illegal?"
"I'll tell you when you're older." Joanie whispered back.
"Nope. I can't allow some freak nut and eight live reindeer to be shot out of a cannon." Grosse demanded. "What else ya got, Frog?"
Kermit actually started to sweat, which didn't seem possible to the others, considering he was a frog. "Well, uh…" He cleared his throat, looking to the others sitting at the table until his eyes settled on a particular bear. "F-Fozzie has some great jokes for the show. T-Tell him one, Fozzie."
"Sure thing, Kermit!" A delighted Fozzie acknowledged. "So there's this elf and a…"
"Heard it." J.P. hastily interrupted.
Taken aback from the interruption, Fozzie said, "Well…you didn't let me finish."
"Ya heard one Christmas joke, you've heard them all." Grosse said. "What else ya got, Frog?" Before the highly agitated Kermit could respond, J.P. added, "And it better be something good because ya got two out of four outta the picture."
Diana and Joanie exchanged a worried glance before looking over to Kermit, who was now sweating bullets, having to use his napkin to absorb the sweat. "Well, we…uh…w-we always deliver on our singing and dancing, J.P. Our first season has proved that."
"Who's your guest?" Grosse inquired.
"W-We haven't gone one." Kermit answered.
"Yes, we do!" Joanie hurriedly said to the surprise of everyone around her.
J.P. took another puff from his cigar, eyeing Joanie. "Who then?"
With all eyes on her, Joanie felt very embarrassed for even speaking out of turn. "Mickey Mouse," she murmured.
"I'm sorry?" J.P. said. "Speak up, kid. None of us with ears can hear ya."
Joanie sighed and spoke clearer. "Mickey Mouse."
Grosse grunted with laughter, encouraging everyone else to laugh along with him, believing Joanie's response to have been a big joke. However, when J.P. slammed his fist down on the table, everyone went silent. "Even the bear could come up with a better joke than that, kid. It seems to me like you all haven't got a Christmas show worth watching this year. You don't even have any good props for it. I snooped around your prop room just a while ago and found this ugly thing."
From under the table, J.P. yanked out the sorcerer hat. As soon as she and the others saw it in the theater owner's hand, Joanie's eyes grew wide with terror. Reacting to her emotions, the hat glowed in Grosse's hand to his immediate surprise. At the same time of the occurrence, the Swedish Chef entered with a freshly baked turkey. Before Chef could have put it down on the table, the baked turkey came to alive, standing up on the platter and leaping onto the table.
The baked turkey surprisingly began to sing, despite not having a head, and dance along to a song that none of the people there ever heard. All it did was a strange dance and yelled "Oppa Gangnam Style" between South Korean lyrics. The bizarre display made J.P. drop his cigar to the stage floor as he looked upon the singing and dancing turkey in total disbelief. Even Chef was spooked by the sight, enough so that he pulled out a large knife and immediately hacked the animate turkey to pieces, splattering chunks all over the face of J.P. Grosse. As soon as the turkey was "dead" again, Chef muttered something in his Swedish tongue and headed back into the kitchen.
It was extremely quiet around the table after the inexplicable incident. Diana, seeing how Grosse was covered in pieces of the once-living baked turkey, quickly rushed over to him with a napkin and wiped some of the turkey off his face like a parent cleaning a messy child. "Here, let me get that for you, sir."
Unfortunately, a furious J.P. Grosse refused her service, brushing her off of him. "Get off me, woman! This is the last straw! There's certainly not going to a pageant now! There's not even gonna be any more shows in this theater, 'cause I'm tearing it down first thing tomorrow!"
His sudden declaration brought out a collective gasp from everyone. "B-But tomorrow's Christmas Eve, sir." Kermit said.
"Can't think of a better time than any to get the job done!" Grosse roared. "I was gonna wait until next year to do this, but now I think Christmas would be a perfect time to start turning this place into a junkyard. There's more money in real junk than this junk you got here, especially this ugly hat!" He threw the sorcerer hat on the table, letting it land in a bowl of gravy. Seeing this, Joanie grew angry.
"Whoa! What a terrific idea for an act!" Gonzo joyously exclaimed in response to Grosse's sinister plan. "Wish I thought of it."
The weirdo's enthusiasm wasn't too welcoming for his fellow residents. "Gee, thanks, Gonzo. You're a real trooper," uttered a sarcastic Kermit.
"You have first thing 'til tomorrow morning to get outta here before I have my boys tear this place down." Grosse warned as he got up from the table and began to leave.
Before Grosse could get any further from the table, Joanie got up herself and yelled to him. "Listen here, J.P.!" The tone in her voice stopped him cold in his tracks, looking directly at her and seeing the intense glare in her eyes. "Now you may own this theater, but you don't own the people in it. We've come up with a groovy show for this Christmas with beautiful singing and dancing, some pretty good jokes, and an entertaining – yet mildly disturbing – stunt. You are not going to tear this theater down. You will let us do our Christmas show and all other shows in the future. And if you think you're gonna tear this theater down…well…you can just forget it!"
With each word that she said, her voice grew hollow and her eyes turned ghostly white in front of everyone. Kermit and Diana both suspected Grosse would definitely shut them down after Joanie's outburst and display of her abilities. That was until J.P. Grosse shook his head and said in bewilderment, "W-What? Wha…What was I saying just now?" His confusion made everyone else confused, including Joanie, whose eyes returned to their natural color.
"You okay, Uncle J.P.?" Scooter asked.
"Well, of course I am." J.P. said. "I was, uh…I was saying that, uh…Ah, yes! I was just about to say how groovy I think your pageant sounds, and I cannot wait to see it in two days! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab a burger. Your meal didn't fill me as well as I'd hoped."
The theater owner and uncle of Scooter then departed from the stage, leaving behind a puzzled group of people. All eyes refocused on Joanie, who had no explanation for Grosse's sudden change of heart; at least not until she gazed at the hat, which she plucked out of the gravy bowl and stared over for a long moment, having an idea of how she got J.P. to change his mind.
Later that evening, Joanie continued staring at the hat, which had been cleansed of the gravy that once ruined it, while sitting at the bottom of the staircase leading to the backstage dressing rooms. Diana walked in with a huge smile on her face, discovering her daughter at the staircase. She approached her and said, "Hey, since our dinner party was a bust, we all decided to go out for pizza. Your buddy Ralph is going to finish all the leftovers here. Wanna come with us?"
Joanie shook her head, not once looking at her mother. "No, thanks. I'll stay here."
Diana took notice in how discouraged she looked and sat down beside her. "Hey, sweetie. I'm not mad about you using magic. I'm actually really glad you did. You saved the theater!"
"Hooray." Joanie uttered in a deadpan delivery.
Her somber attitude only confused Diana more. "What is up with you?"
"Mom, I used magic without the hat tonight. Do you know what that means?" Joanie looked at her and saw the confusion on her face, which was still beautified with makeup. "It means that Yen Sid was right – the problem really was with me. I just didn't want to admit the truth."
"The truth about what?"
"That I'm not ready to become a sorceress." She sighed with tears falling from her eyes. "I'm not ready to become this 'Guardian of the Disneyverse' that Yen Sid wants me to be. I didn't ask for this honor, and I don't want it. I just want to be normal again. I don't want people like J.P. Grosse thinking that I'm a freak when even I know that I am."
Her daughter's despair made Diana herself cry; it was the same thoughts that she had before she realized how magnificent she really was with magic, but she didn't dare let Joanie know it at that time. Instead, she told her, "Joanie…honey, look at me. You are not a freak. You are the most confident and gifted young lady I have ever known. You are going to be a marvelous sorceress. You will inspire many lives and save them at the same time. You've done just that tonight when you prevented J.P. from taking our home and family away from us. I have never been more proud to have you as my little girl."
Through her tears, Joanie smiled. "Thank you, Mama."
The two hugged and cried into each other's shoulders.
During their embrace, Gonzo entered the room and asked in an impatient tone, "Hey, are you two coming or what?" His voice brought Joanie and Diana out of their embrace, and they looked to him with faces covered in smeared makeup. Gonzo's eyelids went up as he looked at the damage their tears had done. "Wow! You ladies look gorgeous!"
Joanie and Diana looked at each other, confounded by the weirdo's compliment. But then they gradually transitioned into laughter as soon as they got the "punch line" of the situation. Unfortunately, Gonzo didn't.
