Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts on my story! Today is my 10th Wedding Anniversary so I'm a little excited!
Ana POV
Christian convinces me to call my parents to let them know about my surgery. He was so amazing to offer to send his company jet to pick up my mother in Georgia, however I do have the sneaking suspicion that she won't ever step foot on that plane. She will make up some kind of excuse why she can't come and then blame me for it. I'm not going to be optimistic that she will make it.
I was finally able to reach my father, and he was quite emotional. He said that he will drive up the morning of the surgery, and will stay in Seattle for as long as I need him. Tonight we are going to have Grace and Carrick over for dinner. It was so hard telling Grace about my diagnosis a few days ago. But Grace being the person she is, was so amazing, and she said whatever I needed just to ask her because they feel like I'm already part of their family.
After I broke up with Christian, Grace actually reached out to me. It was so hard not to tell her about my diagnosis but at that time, I wasn't ready to tell anyone let alone my boss and the mother of my then ex-boyfriend.
I don't know how she is going to handle this latest development.
When Grace and Carrick arrived, I think they were both shocked to see me wearing a beautiful floral scarf that Christian bought for me today.
"Do you like my new accessory?" I say trying to break the obvious tension in the room
"You look beautiful," Carrick says hugging me and then kissing my cheek. I almost lose it after he hugs me as I can feel he's about to start crying.
Grace doesn't say anything but hugs me and strokes my back. That's when I start to cry. In the six months I've known Grace, she has felt like more of a mother to me than my own biological mother. I'm grateful to have her in my life.
She pulls back and declares that we both need a large glass of wine, and I couldn't agree more with her statement.
My original plan was to wait until after dinner to tell them about my surgery, but I have a feeling we won't be able to wait that long.
We feast upon the beautiful dinner that Gail has prepared for us, but I really don't have an appetite. But I know if I don't eat I will hear about it from Christian, so I eat as much as my body will allow.
"Is it okay for me to ask how your appointment went today," Grace asks looking at me almost apologetic.
Christian reaches over and grabs my hand.
"We were hoping for better news, but it looks like surgery is my best option. So we scheduled it for Thursday."
"So soon," Carrick asks.
"The doctors feel it best to take a proactive approach."
"I think that's best," Grace says. "Is there anything we can do?"
"You have already done so much."
Grace POV
In all my years as a physician this has been the toughest to watch. Not be able to do something to help breaks my heart. I wish I could do something to help Ana right now, but I can't. The only thing I can do is pray that she will be able to get through this. She is in the best hands possible with Dr. Warren and the other doctors that my son has brought in to save the woman he loves.
Since I first interviewed Ana, I knew that this young woman would change the world. So far she has done so much for not only Coping Together but for my son. I never thought I would ever see him this happy and in love. Hell up until six weeks ago, Carrick and I were convinced that he was gay. We were very wrong. Now, here he is fighting to keep the woman he loves alive. It breaks my heart to see him suffer like this. As a mother, you never want to see you children in pain, and Christian has dealt with so much in his short life. If I could take all that away I would.
I remember when he reached out to me after Ana broke up with him. I have never seen him like that. I thought he was showing the early stages of depression, and I didn't know what I could do. So I had to seek out Ana and see how she was doing. I knew something was wrong but she wouldn't open up to me. It was obvious that she was still in love with my son, but she was fighting against it. I'm glad that he was able to seek Ana out, and fight for the woman that he's madly in love with. I know he will stand by her through this difficult journey.
After dinner, Carrick follows Christian outside while Ana and I are left to chat in the living room.
"Now that they are gone, how are you really handling this news? You don't have to hide anything from Christian, but it's just you and I talking now, and remember whatever you tell me stays between us."
Ana POV
I know I can trust Grace, but I don't even know how to sum up everything I'm feeling.
"I thought I prepared myself for every outcome of today's meeting, but to hear the words double mastectomy is hard for anyone to take."
"I can only imagine what you're going through," she says.
"Can I ask you something?" I ask nervously.
"Of course Ana anything."
"What do you think it will be like once my breasts are removed?"
"I wish I could give you an answer, but I don't know."
"I know Christian is your son, but do you think he will still find me attractive after my breasts are gone?"
This is something I know I can't talk to Christian about, and I need to discuss it with someone. My mom won't be helpful, and I can't ask Mia. She doesn't even know that I have cancer. I was going to wait until she comes home next week. I don't want to tell her something like that over the phone,
"Ana, I see the way my son looks at you, he loves you. You have nothing to worry about. Why do I have a feeling that you aren't really asking about Christian? Are you asking how you are going to feel without breasts?"
I nod.
"They are part of being a woman, and I'm afraid that once they are removed I won't feel the same."
"It's only natural to feel like that, but remember you won't have to wait long before they do the reconstruction. Then you can select what size you want to go with."
Why did I think about that? I've always had small breasts and always dreamed of having larger ones.
"I just hope that this surgery will be the cure."
"And it will be," Grace says so confidently. It's hard not to believe her.
"I know that it's a lot to ask but can you be in the operating room with me? I know that it sounds silly, but I think I will be able to relax more knowing that I have someone who cares about me in there."
"Of course Ana. We are here for you, and whatever you want we will make it happen."
Christian POV
I can't believe how well Ana is taking this news. She is truly one amazing woman. I don't know how I got so lucky to have to in my life. I speak to my father about Anastasia out on the balcony as my mom and Ana talk inside.
"How are you doing son," my dad asks.
"I'm not sure dad. All I know is that I can't lose her. I love her too much. Why is this happening to her?"
"I know you do, and I wish I could tell you why this happens to good people like Ana. She doesn't deserve this, not that anyone ever does."
"I asked her to marry me. Twice actually," I confess to my father who looks stunned.
"I take it that she said no?"
"Only once. It was right after she broke up with me. The second time she really never gave me an answer, but I know she meant no."
"Maybe it's the way you proposed. Was it romantic?"
I can't tell my father that the second time I proposed was right after we had sex in the shower, but it wasn't romantic.
"No."
"Well, maybe that's your problem."
"You don't think it's too soon."
"Why do you?"
"I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I can't imagine my life without her."
"Then I think you have your answer. You need find a way to break down that wall, and of course you need a ring."
A ring! That's always part of an actual proposal.
I decide to make a very important phone call while my dad joins my mom and Anastasia.
Finally my parents leave, and for the first time all day, it's just her and I.
"How was your conversation with my mom?"
"Can I trade you moms?"
I laugh at the comment. My mom tends to have that effect on people. I'm lucky that she was the one who found me at the hospital all those years ago.
"So I take it that is went well."
"Your mom put everything into perspective for me, and now I'm feeling a little better."
"Want to share with me her words of wisdom?"
"It's private."
"Is it a woman thing?"
"Fine if you must know she said the silver lining in this shitty situation is that I will finally get the boobs I've never had," she says and blushes.
Personally, I love the size of her breasts, but I don't think that will help if I tell her."
Ana POV
Since Christian will be taking off the next few days to be with me he said that he needed to finalize some business. He excuses himself to his office, and I go get ready for bed.
After I'm alone, I think about my surgery and everything that can happen. Dr. Warren did talk about all the risks so I know what can happen. If something should go wrong, I want Christian to know that I love him, and that it's okay to move on. I decide is to write him a letter and if I don't survive he will at least have this letter.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know that I will feel better knowing that I left something behind for him. I hope that Christian will never have to read this, but just in case.
My dearest Christian,
It pains me that you are reading this letter because it means that I didn't have the strength to fight this cancer. I wanted to write you this letter to tell you just how much I love you, and that the very short time we have spent together has been the very best time of my life. That is all because of you. I always dreamed about falling in love, and with you it does feel like a dream. You love me unconditionally, and I'm grateful for your undying love and support. I'm sorry that I couldn't fight harder to stay with you. From the first time I laid eyes on you, I knew I loved you even before you uttered a single syllable. Thank you for loving me and please know that I will continue to love you from wherever I am. But I need to know that you will take care of yourself and one day move on. You are truly capable of love Christian Trevelyan Grey and I need you to know that.
My only regret is that I never accepted your marriage proposal. I'm sorry for never saying the word, but know that I only did that for your benefit not knowing what our future holds. However, I need you to know that I would have loved and been honored to be your wife, and eventually start a family because I know you are going to make an amazing husband and father.
I will never forget you.
I love you with everything I have.
Your Ana.
I fold the letter and find an envelope and seal it. I write Christian's name on the outside and then I place it in my work bag. I need to find a good place for him to find it if I don't make it home.
I go to get ready for bed and remove my scarf, blouse and bra. I look at my breasts and wonder what it will be like with them being gone. I touch them to remember the feeling.
All I can think about is how my body could fail me like this. Grace told me not to focus on the negative because it's not healthy, but when I look in the mirror its hard not to.
"Anastasia," I hear Christian call when he enters our room. I grab a robe and cover up. I don't want him to know what I'm doing.
"In here."
"What are you doing?"
"Just thinking."
"You know you can talk to me. I wish you would," he says leaning against the vanity.
I don't know how I can tell him that I'm worried about how I'm going to feel about the surgery.
"I'm just thinking about what I'm going to look like after surgery," I say and drop my robe.
"You are going to look gorgeous."
I know he has to say that, but I want him to tell me the truth.
"Anastasia, tell me what's really on your mind."
I pause and I don't know how to say it.
"Will you still love me when I'm all hacked up?" I say looking down at my hands that are rest on the sink.
"Anastasia, please look at me," he says tilting my chin up so I look him in the eye. "You will never be anything but pure perfection in my eyes, I love you so much. I just want you healthy, and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that."
"But I won't look like a woman without my boobs," I finally admit out loud.
"Breasts don't make a woman; it's what inside the person that makes her a woman."
"So would you be okay if I didn't opt for a reconstruction?" I ask knowing that I will have reconstruction, but I want to see what he says.
"I will support any decision you make. If it makes you feel better, you know that I'm an ass man more than anything." He jokes.
I can't help but laugh.
"Thank you for standing my by side," I say kissing his sweet delicious lips.
"There is no other place where I would want to be."
Christian POV
All Ana wanted after we made love was for me to hold her, and there wasn't anything else I wanted to do. To have her fall asleep in my arms is just about the best feeling possible. Who would have thought Ana was the key to finally letting down all my walls so that she could touch me?
I reflect on the first time that I allowed her to touch my chest; it was right after we made love for the first time. Ana had just told me that was a virgin and I couldn't believe it. Before we threw sex into the mix of our very young relationship, she had to know about my alternative lifestyle. I needed her to know about my past and that meant explaining to her about Elena and the 15. At first, I thought Ana was going to run, but she surprised me yet again but staying. That night I opened up and didn't leave anything out. I think it helped her to understand why I am who I am.
I told her that when I'm with her all those feeling of needing power and control were gone, and all I needed was to be with her. No matter what I needed to do to prove it to her. That night we learned how to make love together. We didn't just fuck, and it was the most powerful feeling in the world. That was the night I told Anastasia that I loved her for the first time. But what made the night truly perfect was when she told me that she loved me too.
I woke up before the sun rose and left Ana a note telling her that I needed to go into the office but I would see her in a few hours.
Ana POV
Christian is gone when I wake up and I find a note on his pillow. He asked me to call him when I wake up.
"Hello beautiful," Christian says when he answers the phone.
"I miss you," I say.
"I'm just wrapping up here now. I would love to take you out to lunch so get dressed and Sawyer will be ready to bring you to me."
Christian's up to something, but I decide to play along.
"I'll see you soon. I love you."
"I love you more," he answers before hanging up.
After I shower, I walk into the closet and find a garment bag with a sign tag on the front that says open me.
I unzip the bag to find a beautiful blue chevron striped maxi dress with matching scarf and a jewelry box.
Oh Christian.
I know that he wants to make today special to help keep my mind off of the surgery, and so far he's doing a great job.
The best thing about shaving my head it really cuts down my getting ready time.
I walk into the foyer and find Sawyer waiting for me.
"I'm ready to go," I say.
When I get into the SUV, Sawyer hands me a blindfold.
"Mr. Grey asked that you wear this?"
"Of course he did. So I take it you won't give me a hint as to where you're taking me?"
"Sorry Ana, it would be my job if I did."
"Well, we wouldn't want that."
I try to figure out where we're going but once we hit the freeway I'm lost.
Twenty-five minutes later I feel us going over a gravel road.
The car finally comes to a stop and then I feel Sawyer open my door and help me out of the car.
"Can I take this off now?"
"Not yet," he says and I know we haven't reached our final destination.
Finally, after walking what feels like a mile, I feel Sawyer stop and turn me just so.
"Take off your blindfold."
"Christian is that you?"
He says nothing. I take off my blindfold and I gasp at what I see.
