Age 15


I could feel the bass of the speakers rattling through my feet up into my bones. My chest was thumping and vibrating. My cheeks burned and the thumping increased. On an average day her presence made my heart race, but right now I was a little drunk and she was standing very close to me.

I could see Brittany's mouth moving, but I couldn't catch the words.

"What?" I yelled over the music. She leaned in closer to me, resting her hand on my back. It was cool on the sliver of skin showing between my shirt and lowrider jeans. Her lips grazed my ear as she spoke.

"Do you know what time it is?" she asked me. I pulled my cellphone from my back pocket and looked at the small screen trying to focus on the swimming numbers. Shit. 12:02.

"Fuck," I yelled, grabbing her hand. "Come on."

I pulled her out the back door onto the deck where a couple of guys were playing beer pong.

"You all right ladies?"

"Oh yeah. No problem boys," I replied with a flirtatious smile.

"It's 12:03," Brittany said.

"Shit. I know. I'm sorry," I said. I pointed to a couple of empty lounge chairs by the pool and we made our way down the deck stairs and over to them.

The lights were on the in the pool and disturbances on the water reflected dancing lights onto our faces as we sat.

"Fuck. Well, I know it's a few minutes late," I started, glancing at the boys on the deck who were roaring over their game, "But happy birthday B. You know I don't have my present with me right now, right?"

She laughed, her shining blues eyes closed and her nose wrinkled.

"I know. It's okay. I just wanted us to be together now that it's my birthday. Just for a few minutes," Brittany said, her eyes met mine and held with no hesitation.

I swallowed, hoping she couldn't see my pulse leaping out of my throat and my hands shaking.

I used to always know exactly what to say to Brittany. I mean I guess it's not that I knew exactly what to say. It just never mattered. I could say whatever I wanted and know that I would be rewarded with her smile and maybe her warm hand in mine. Lately though, I'd been fucking everything up. I have always taken what I wanted and never taken no for an answer. On the playground when the other kids didn't want me to play tag with them, I'd pummel them until they had no choice but to let me have my way, but it's harder when it's you saying no to yourself.

I've been pummeling myself trying to have my way, but I won't give in. It's a fucked situation.

"I'm sorry I dragged you here the night before your birthday," I said, looking over my shoulder towards the house before taking Brittany's hand. "I know you wanted to stay home."

"That's okay, Santana," she replied. "I don't want you to hurt Puck's feelings."

My insides churned thinking about Puck. He had invited us to this party. We were sort of dating. It was mostly other people that called us a couple. Puck liked to say he could never be pinned down, but it's me that does the resisting. He's mad that I won't sleep with him even though we've been hooking up since freshman year.

When I'm with him, I'm thinking about someone else. He must know that. I've been thinking about the same person since I was eight years old.

It can't be wrong to be in love with someone, I don't think. I don't know.

I realized I had been staring blankly at the pool for a strange amount of time.

"No, I, um, I'm..."

I tripped over my words.

"It's okay," Brittany said again.

"No, Brittany, it's not that I'm... I mean...," I stuttered, gripping her hand tighter. "Please, can we not talk about Puck? Let's talk about you."

Brittany smiled.

"Yes. I'd like to talk about my birthday."

"Exactly," I said. "Your motherfucking birthday, B! You're older than me again."

"Only for two months," she replied. "Same as every year."

I watched as she absently wet her bottom lip with the tip of her tongue. Out of reflex, I licked my own lips. She smiled and my heart ached. I took a shuddering breath in.

"Are you okay?" she asked, pulling my hand into her lap.

Her chair was just far enough away from mine that to keep my hand in hers I had to lean forward on the edge of the chair.

"Of course," I said. "Are you?"

"Yes."

Her head was tilted slightly to the side and I could see her examining me. Self-consciously, I pulled my fingers through my hair.

"B?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you looking at?"

"I'm looking at you."

Brittany reached out the hand that wasn't twined in mine and ran her thumb down a spot behind my left ear.

"I can't believe it's still there," she said.

"Some scars never go away," I replied. "It was totally worth that sweet slide into home plate."

"You really bled a lot though," Brittany said. "I was scared."

She stroked down the line of the scar once more before dragging her thumb across my cheekbone and resting her hand on the side of my face. Her eyes flicked down to my mouth and back up to meet mine.

"I'm fine now though obviously. That was six years ago," I said.

"I'm still a little scared for you now," Brittany said. "You seem weird, Santana."

I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them again.

"Please don't worry about me," I replied. "Especially not on your birthday. I want you to be happy."

"You know what would make me happy."

"I'm not sure," I said.

Brittany slid her hand from the side of my face to the back of my neck and pulled me in. I felt a swoop in my stomach as she kissed me. It wasn't the first time. It certainly wouldn't be the last.

I kissed her back, hard. Her soft lips slipping against mine and her hot breath in my mouth was all I wanted. I wanted to melt into her and become one person.

"Can we go somewhere?" Brittany asked, pulling away for a second.

I wasn't sure what I wanted yet. I pulled her back to me and felt myself sigh.

"Santana?" she asked again, pulling away once more. "I want to go somewhere."

I bit my lower lip. Fuck it.

"My house," I said. "My dad's on call and my mom is at my abuela's for the night."

Three blocks later and we were at my house. Brittany tugged at my belt loops from behind me while I fumbled with my keys. I nearly dropped them as she kissed the back of my neck. She slid her thin arms around my middle and held me close.

"B, give me a second, please," I said. "I'm never gonna get this fucking door open."

"Am I distracting you?" she asked as she kissed just beneath my ear.

I finally fit the right key into the lock and turned.

"Thank god," I mumbled, pulling Brittany into the house and closing the door behind me.

She put her hands on my hips and pressed me to the front door. A shiver of pleasure ran down my spine.

"I want you," Brittany said, holding eye contact.

"You have me," I replied. "I'm right here."

"No," she said. "I mean I want us to be together."

"We are together," I said. "Right now. We're standing pretty close to each other if you haven't noticed."

I slid my hands up her forearms and back down to rest holding her wrists.

Brittany stared hard at me before leaning in to kiss me again. There was something different in this kiss. I think I knew what it was.

Her fingers slid into my hair and traced down my jaw. Then, slipped down my sides. I gasped a little as I felt her fingers on the bare skin of my stomach. She stopped for a second until I pulled her closer. Our bodies molded to each other. Brittany's mouth tasted sweet like the Sprite and vodka she had been drinking earlier. I was painfully aware of her fingers sliding up my torso under my shirt. When she got to the bottom of my bra, she stopped and pulled away from me.

"Upstairs," she said. She took my hand and led me up to my bedroom.

There was nothing but her hot lips on mine and her hands on my bare skin. Time seemed to fade away as we pressed together.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I'm afraid."

"I know."

"I do love you. So much."

"I know that too."

"Fuck B, I don't know what to do," I said.

"It's not wrong to be in love," Brittany replied. "Otherwise, they would have arrested Disney by now."

I laughed, but suddenly felt tears prick my eyes.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," I said, angrily brushing them away. "I'm so fucking happy right now. This is stupid."

Brittany pulled the covers up over our head and the whoosh of air held the sheets suspended above our heads for a few seconds as we stared at each other.

"It's just us. There's nothing to be afraid of. Except maybe the dark... and that your parents aren't home and a burglar could show up any minute, and also the ocean is really big."

"You know I'd kick a burglar's ass," I said, lightly flicking Britt's shoulder.

"I know," she replied, burying her face in my neck. "So, I'm not scared, and you shouldn't be either."

I sighed and kissed the top of her head as she snuggled closer to me.

"You're right. You're always right," I said. "Old age really does make you wiser. Happy birthday, B."