Chapter 4: Hold The Light

A/N: you may have noticed that the title of this chapter has changed. Apparently, I had that lyric wrong. [SHAME]! Also, sorry about the delay – Internet at home is down as we switch providers, which delayed my fact checking and thus writing speed and delayed me another day in posting this. Should be fixed this Friday, but just in case I'm changing the posting day to Mondays instead of Sundays.

Begin Log 4

Naturally, that was the moment that the reality of the situation really set in. Fortunately, before I could yell, "You're real!" at Armsmaster, which, given my luck, would lead to an inexplicable chain of events ending in me dying after tripping over a pancake of all things, Skitter spoke up.

"Yeah," she said absently.

"Hero, then?" That's an odd assumption to make, I thought. Doesn't the Empire fight Lung on a regular basis? Wait no, if that was the case they'd probably be dead by The Beginning.

While Armsmaster was questioning Skitter, I was getting myself under control – you know, making sure I didn't do anything stupid like, say, implicating myself, or making anyone think I was interesting, or pissing off freaking Lung!

Don't say anything, I told myself. Don't get involved. Stop with the derailing. Canon will prevail! Well, almost definitely not, but at least this isn't a SI, so I don't have to worry about anyone knowing how badly I inevitably screw things up.

My internal existential musings were interrupted by Skitter raising her voice.

"Not intentionally!" she shouted. She took a breath, and returned her voice to normal volumes. "I was more than halfway done putting the costume together when I realized it was already looking more edgy than I'd intended, and I couldn't do anything about it by then."

I guess some things are the same in every universe, I thought with a chuckle. At least I'm not responsible for changing that.

Which, based on the way Skitter was looking at me now, was most definitely audible.

"What?" she asked, offended. "Is it really that hard to believe?"

"No, it's just – basically, I – I mean nostalgia." Wow, self. A real orator, you are.

She stared at me. "What?" she asked, confused.

"You've been with other heroes that looked like villains?" Armsmaster asked, intrigued.

I face palmed. "Please be careful with how you phrase stuff. PHO is bad enough already."

Superheroes staring at me was apparently becoming a regular thing now. That would have been kind of flattering except for the fact that I am very squishy, and I'd rather not find out exactly how good I taste with and/or as ketchup.

"You're an established hero then?" he asked me.

I quickly went over what I'd said and my eyes widened. Oops. "No no no! Nope nope nope! I just meant that PHO is bad enough to the capes – which, yeah, I'm not. I am most definitely not a cape, and hopefully that never changes."

"Why?" Skitter asked, surprised.

"Can you explain trigger events to her, Armsmaster?" I asked in a very obviously begging voice. "As a cape, you're more qualified than I am to explain this."

His lips upturned slightly. "You're planning on sneaking away while I give him basic cape information, aren't you?" he asked. I almost panicked before I realized that he was more amused than offended.

"Okay, first off, that's really offensive. That is the second time in the past – what, five minutes? That is the second time in the last five minutes that someone has made the very mistaken assumption that Skitter is a guy. Is that, like, a normal thing around here? Or is it because she isn't as disgustingly obvious about her femininity as the old superheroine? That's a word, right? Is it because she isn't as disgustingly obvious about her femininity as the old superheroine comics?"

"That's a yes, right?" Armsmaster asked.

"Not that the minion is wrong," Skitter said, annoyed (not at me, thankfully), "but I'd say so," Skitter agreed.

"I thought you were heroes?" Armsmaster asked us. "What, heroes can have underlings now?"

"We are!" Skitter replied. "Heroes can have minions – err, underlings – too!"

"Yeah," I said, starting to get suspicious, "as the Protectorate ENE's leader, I'd think you would know that."

"Did we just get pranked by Armsmaster?" Skitter asked incredulously.

"Hardly a prank," Armsmaster retorted. "This was merely twisting your words a bit."

"Shouldn't you be helping to fight Lung?" I said with a totally-not-exaggerated pout.

He snorted. "I'm not an idiot."

Drats, I thought to myself. There goes that plan of escape.

"What?" I exclaimed. "Do you mean to tell me that the leader of the local government-sponsored hero team is intelligent? I never would have guessed!"

"Flattery won't work either," Armsmaster said.

"Plus," Skitter inserted, "you're not very good at it."

"Damn it. Seriously though, that's freaking Lung. Isn't it your job as the leader of the local government-sponsored hero team to fight him?"

"Inside of a different villain's darkness, where I'll hinder more than help the efforts to fight him? I'd rather not get fired from that "leader of the local government-sponsored hero team" position, thanks." He somehow managed to maintain a deadpan tone throughout the whole statement.

Thinking quickly, I went with the first idea to pop into my head. "Look, a convenient distraction!" I yelled, pointing behind him.

Also, how is he able to keep that deadpan constantly? I wondered. Does he practice it? Does he s –

Ignoring me completely now, and interrupting my internal intellectual inquisition on the integrity of his deadpan, Armsmaster asked, "You're a new face, Skitter was it?"

"I haven't even come up with a name yet," she confirmed, totally ignoring the fact that I'd been calling her Skitter and Armsmaster had literally just used that name. "You know how hard it is to come up with a bug-themed name that doesn't make me sound like a supervillain or a complete dork?"

He chuckled, and it sounded warm, very normal, "I wouldn't know. I got into the game early enough that I didn't have to worry about missing out on all of the good names. I take it your, uh, underling is the one who came up with Skitter, then?"

"Yeah," she agreed, "and I'm still not sure why. I doubt I'm going to keep it."

"You can't ruin my memes!" I exclaimed, distraught. "I already have several dozen prepared that need that name!"

Armsmaster chuckled again, but before he could say anything, a new voice interjected.

"Did somebody order a raging dragon to go?" Regent asked.

We turned around to see the Undersiders approaching, with one of Bitch's dogs holding Lung in its mouth. That's disgusting, I thought with a shudder.

"Depends," I answered before Armsmaster could. "What regents were used to season him?"

There was a collective groan.

"Don't do that again, please," Skitter asked me in a tone that clearly said, "if you ever do that again, you're fired."

"Renounce my sacred duty as the comic relief? I could never do such a thing, boss!" I said mock-outraged, my own tone saying, "I'm too sarcastic to be fired!"

Of course, growing up as I did, ignoring angry teenagers was practically second nature. (Yes, self, I know that I am, technically speaking, a teenager. The point still remains. …and now I'm arguing with myself. Inside of my own journal. And I'm personifying people's voices. I should probably see a therapist about this. Then again, in this economy? This is Brockton Bay. I probably can't afford one, and even if I could, the only therapists have probably been murdered or traumatized to the point of needing therapists of their own by now.)

She sighed, but I swear her lips twitched. Even if she was, technically speaking, wearing a mask, and there was no possible way for me to know that. See, that's an important skill for us comic reliefs – being able to read moods and know when humor is needed. I'm told I'm very good at that.

"Oh, great," Grue moaned. "Now there's two of them!"

Unfortunately, I thought morosely, knowing a joke is needed and knowing a good joke are two very different things.

Wait nope, that's not what happened. I totally made that joke as bad as it was on purpose in order to break the ice. Totally. I'm not acting suspicious, you're acting suspicious! What's a pig?

Ah, references. :D Ah, references to things that don't exist on this Earth. Cries.

"Hey!" Regent exclaimed. "I'll have you know there's a lot more to me than bad puns!"

"Really?" I questioned.

"Nope."

Grue sighed. "Bitch, drop Lung. Let's go before Regent actually manages to start a fight with the heroes."

"You're trying to antagonize us? My wounded heart!" I cried, grasping the center of my stomach. "Wait nope, that's my digestive tract. I guess I should be more careful of what I eat."

Ignoring me (thankfully), Bitch ordered her hell-hound to drop Lung.

"You would get along well with Clockblocker," Armsmaster observed.

"You're trying to get me in the Wards? Really? I'm not even a cape!" I exclaimed, annoyed.

"Nope," Tattletale said, inserting herself into the conversation with her trademarked smirk. Wait, is her smirk actually trademarked? TODO: Check if you can legally trademark a smirk in Earth Bet's USA. If so, do so out of spite for the fact that you can. "He just realizes that Clockblocker could use someone who appreciates his brand of humor."

"Wait, really?"

"Yes," Armsmaster confirmed. "Social isolation can lead to reduced efficiency in the field."

He nodded at Tattletale politely. "Thank you for confirming your Thinker rating."

"Yes, I'm sure the Protectorate is just going to love the fact that there is a mind-reading villainous teenager," I said sarcastically.

Maybe I was imagining it, but I could have sworn that Tattletale was staring at me.

"What the hell?" she muttered.

Yep. Definitely staring at me.

"You know, if we weren't on opposite sides of the whole cops and robbers thing I might find your staring flattering," I said offhandedly.

"You know, if I didn't know you did that on purpose, I might have found that disconcerting."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"Don't be; I'm used to it."

"Tattletale, we're leaving," Grue pointed out from the end of the alley.

"No, you're not," Armsmaster said with a frown.

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

"As you pointed out earlier, it is my job to fight villains. I can't just let them go."

"They just gave you Lung!"

"A compelling argument. There's just one problem with that."

"What?"

Tattletale interrupted, "he works for the government," while the giant hellhounds attacked Armsmaster and I totally didn't run for cover behind my dumpster again.

A/N: Thanks for sticking with me through that short hiatus (which is a term I'm willing to use now that I've continued and it won't cause people to assume this is abandoned :p), and I hope you enjoy!

There were some scenes that I found amusing that I removed or turned into omakes because they didn't really fit very well as part of the actual story. Omakes have been removed from this chapter and will be removed from the other chapters soon as well, they'll be getting their own chapter once a month instead of bloating up the actual story.

Why didn't anyone point out my glaring mistake? SI reveals he knows Skitter goes to Winslow and neither hero comments on that! That particular bug has received a patch.

Puns, criticism, and limericks are all welcome, and honestly desired. Seriously people, where are my limericks? I put my sweat and blood into this story! Can't I get at least one limerick in return, please? I'm a fanfic author, don't you know I need limericks to survive? Joking aside, I'm floored by the support I've received for this. Huge thanks, I really appreciate it!

Side note to any and all Worm fans (which I assume is all of you who are reading this): I suggest that you check out World Domination in Retrospect. I've only read a very small amount but it's very hilarious so far and the link can be found on the Worm page under "Stuff by Readers".

Thanks again for your patience, and I'll try to make sure that that "reality" thing doesn't force me to take another break from this!

Sorry for the overlong A/N, I'll strive to keep them shorter in the future.