This is inspired by the Joni Mitchell song "River"
I recommend (if you haven't heard it before) listening to it. Here is a link to it: watch?v=GpFudDAYqxY
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I didn't get them for Christmas so I don't own them. I also don't own the lyrics to River.
I jammed my earphones into my ears, trying to get rid of the voice next to me.
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Then, a jabbing in my side. I took the earphones out.
"What?" I said, irritated. Jill gestured to the air hostess, demonstrating the safety measures.
"You're supposed to be paying attention."
"I've flown hundreds of times, I could do that demo in my sleep."
Jill rolled her eyes and I went to put the earphones back in. Another jab.
"You're just planning on listening to music the whole time, and not help me with Jack and Sam?"
I glanced at my sons, who were both engrossed in some sort of handheld gaming device. I shrugged.
"They seem fine."
"Well what about me?"
"What about you?"
"You're ignoring me."
"It's not intentional, I just want to listen to some music."
"Rather than talk to me?"
"I talk to you all the time."
"Not properly you don't, not anymore." She said it softly, almost to herself.
"Fine. What do you want to talk about?" I said, sighing.
She shrugged.
"Dunno."
"I really don't understand you at the moment Jill."
"I really don't understand us at the moment."
She turned away from me, pretending to be engrossed in the demonstration so I put my earphones back in and let Joni Mitchell's voice wash over me.
"I wish I had a river, I could skate away on….."
And I did, I really did. Jill didn't understand us at the moment, and neither did I. We were growing apart, we both knew it, but neither of us would admit it. I knew that Jill blamed Dancing On Ice, but it had started well before that. I was unhappy, and Dancing On Ice had thrown me a lifeline. Back to skating, back to Jayne. I took it, like a drowning man would take a lifejacket and it had saved me.
I loved my children more than anything else in the world, but in my new life, it didn't seem to be enough. As the years had passed, a void inside of me had grown and grown, until it seemed to have consumed me wholly. When the call came in for Dancing On Ice, I couldn't get back to the UK fast enough. Not to get away from my family, but to work, to do the one thing that made me feel complete. I'd started to feel so useless. I had all this pent up energy and creativeness inside of me, just waiting to get out. It was kinetic energy, like a wind up toy, wound up to the max and waiting for the release. Being reunited with Jayne again professionally again was fantastic, and all the time I spent with her on the ice, whether it was choreographing, practicing, or just skating together because we could skate together, enjoying ourselves on the ice again. Marvelling at the way we still fit together, how we still moved as one, all those years later.
The more we did it, the more I felt the void inside of me shrinking, and shrinking, and by the time the live shows came around I couldn't feel it anymore. I felt complete again. Leaving after the show finished was difficult. The fact that Jill and I had drifted even further apart by that point didn't help. When I returned to Colorado, the void began growing again, and all I wanted to do was return to the place where it had gone away. Jill and I muddled through the year after, still in the same unhappy positions, and now we were here, marriage on the rocks, on a plane to spend Christmas with Jayne and Phil.
Joni's voice continued to sing in my ear.
"I wish I had a river…."
After a tense flight, and a tense taxi ride we finally arrived at Jayne's. I ushered the boys out and wrestled with the suitcases as Jill paid the driver. The boys ran ahead to ring the bell and seconds later I heard her voice. We'd done a lot of work earlier in the year so I hadn't seen her for a month. Carrying the luggage I walked over, hearing her greet my boys, and Jill. As soon as she saw me her face broke out into her smile. The one that she only gives me.
"Hello you." She said, her eyes sparkling.
I put the luggage down and enveloped her into my arms.
"Welcome back." She said, into my ear. I moved down, and kissed "my spot" as I called it, on her neck.
"Thanks, Merry Christmas."
Our moment was cut short as Kieron and Jess thundered in, eager to see Jack and Sam, followed by Phil.
Later, with the kids playing together we sat down and had a drink. Jayne, Phil and I started talking straight away but I felt the atmosphere was tense because of Jill. Jayne noticed, I could tell. She kept trying to include her in the conversation, but she barely responded. When Phil made a comment about how life had seemingly reverted back to how it was ten years ago she gave me such a look that I snapped.
"What's the matter with you?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know! Why don't you tell me?"
"It's this." She waved her hand around the room. "All of this. I can't believe you two can just think that you can go back to how your life was before!"
"We haven't…..it was just a comment."
"Well I wasn't happy then, and I'm not happy now." She continued. "You're just so distant. When you're home you act like you don't want to be there, and when you're in England you phone to speak to the boys and that's it."
Jayne and Phil looked incredibly awkward, especially Phil, since he had made the comment.
"I think we should leave you to it…."
"Yeah…"
They left the room, leaving Jill and I to argue. We went round and round in circles for half an hour, until I gave up. I felt tired from the journey and drained from arguing.
"I'm going for a lie down." I said, curtly, and made my way to one of the spare rooms. I didn't want to go to sleep, I just wanted, well, needed, to switch off.
I put Joni back on.
"I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish, and sad."
"True." I thought to myself, bitterly. There was a soft knock on the door. I knew it was Jayne.
"Yeah?"
She poked her head around the door.
"Thought you might want some company."
"I want your company, not anyone else's."
She had a bottle of wine with her, and 2 glasses, which she placed on the dresser.
"Things that bad?" she asked.
I sighed.
"That bad huh?"
"Yep."
She poured the wine and handed it to me.
"Drink this."
I was mildly amused by her manner, it was exactly the same way that I responded to her when she was upset. I drank most of it and lay back, staring at the ceiling.
"What's wrong with me Jayne?"
"Oh…..so many things." She said with a smile.
"Very funny."
"I'm only joking."
"I know. Can you just come here please?"
"Sure."
She put her wine down, and lay next to me, her head on my chest, arm flung around my waist. I kissed the top of her head.
"So what's going on?"
I ignored her.
"How comes just holding you makes everything feel alright?"
"Because I'm amazing."
I kissed her again.
"Yes. You are."
There was quiet, her soft, rhythmic breathing and familiarity making me feel calmer.
"You changed the subject." She says, elbowing me. "Or, do you not want to talk about it? I can read you too well you know. As soon as I saw you I knew something was wrong. Jill too."
"I feel…..I feel like I wish I could skate away."
"Where?"
"Anywhere?"
"You're worrying me now."
She sat up and looked at me, her eyebrows creased.
"It's a song, here."
I reached into my pocket for my music player and held the earphones out to her.
"You have one"
"Okay"
She lay back down on the bed and I pressed play. She tried to keep her face stoic, but by the time it had finished she looked close to tears.
"It's not just a song is it? That's how you really feel."
I sighed.
"Yes….no…..maybe…." I paused, unsure whether to voice how I felt. "I think my marriage is over Jayne. We've grown apart, desperately so. I can't be there with her, that's when I feel like I just want to skate away. When I'm there it's like I'm just there, looking at wreckage."
She didn't say anything and turned away, but I could tell she was crying.
"Jayne, please, don't cry, this is my problem"
She turned around.
"Your problems are my problems."
"Come back here….please?"
As soon as she was back into my arms she relaxed.
"What can I do?" she asked quietly.
"Skate away with me."
"I wish I could."
"I know."
My hand was round by her back, and I moved it under her top and stroked her skin lightly.
"We could go to the rink?" she asked.
"We can't…..as much as I'd like too."
"Why?"
"It's Christmas Eve, our spouses are here…and our children….I'm already being told off for not spending enough time with my family, so I don't think bailing on them is a good idea."
"True."
Her arm was flung around my waist and she moved it under my shirt, mirroring the action that I was doing to her.
"You and Phil make it look so easy sometimes."
"You know full well it hasn't been easy all the time, all the times I've cried on you. And I was so stressed out this year that I ended up with shingles. We all get wound up….in our own way."
"You always seem to work through it though. I'm jealous."
I moved my other hand and tangled it through her hair. I didn't want to not be touching her, not even for a second.
"I was so jealous of you and Jill. She seemed to get pregnant so easily, and she sailed through both of them. That was so hard for me."
"I know."
"I suppose we've both thought at times that the grass is greener on the other side."
Jayne sat back up .
"I need some more wine."
"And me, fill her up."
I observed her for a while, looking thoughtful, drinking her wine with one hand wrapped around the stem, the other one resting on my thigh.
"You look sad." I said.
"So do you."
"I didn't mean to make you sad…..it's Christmas."
She smiled and lay back down in my arms.
"Just because it's Christmas it doesn't mean that you have to be happy."
I traced patterns on her arm.
"I'm always happy when I'm with you though."
"Me too."
I kissed her lightly.
"Hopefully next Christmas will be better."
"I hope so."
"Love you."
"Love you too."
"Oh I wish I had a river...I could skate away on..."
