A/N: Hello :) oh I know it's been too long ago.. a huge sorry here.. but I have been so busy with school lately that I have not had time to write anything.. but now.. after a rough period here it is... wow.. I just now did it.. a bit of it this Tuesday at school.. lol and the rest just now.. and I actually really like how it is going.. though it's not going the way I planned when I finished chapter 3.. lol but have I ever done something the way I had planned? No.. of course.. so it's still me.. lol at least we all know that..

this chapter isn't beta-d for the above mentioned reason.. I just now wrote it and I don't want to drag it along so I just post it and I will fix any mistake I discover, later..

it's a bit of shorter (a few hundreds of words.. ) but it's because after this we're going to go along in the plot and I didn't want to get started in it and then leaving you hanging in the middle of something that I don't even know about yet... lol so I'll figure it out by the time I update my other stories as well.. so yeah.. shorter but.. wow... hot! haha and detailed...

thank you all for reviewing and following and favoriting and all... lol I love you! So much! For liking this thing even tho it's not what it's started off like.. lol keep up reading.. I have big plans for this.. : )

oh and read my other stories : ) OC-s and stuff like this but yet other plot of course.. thank you if you do : )

well, leaving you reading now.. I know I'm annoying when I speak so much.. ah forgive meeeeeeeeeee and read and review :) i'll love you for ever if you tell me what you think!

love and Kames ;)


- Chapter 4 -


Kendall woke with the first rays of the sun as they were reflecting from the windows. He loved the light, it was so clean and it always helps to see things you other times wouldn't see. He was wondering what to do now. He looked aside. There was James, gorgeous and peacefully sleeping and Kendall knew that the brunette probably was having rough dreams in the fear of the future.

Kendall didn't want to cause him pain. Rather than that he wanted to love him but it seemed so impossible to make. James' carrier was about to take off, now that Big Time Rush was over, and Kendall had planned going back to the ice.

The blonde with a quiet blow of air turned toward James and touched his cheek with his fingertips. He caressed the soft tanned skin, and James didn't even stiff. He was deeply asleep. Maybe you're dreaming about us together. I don't want to wake you up from that beautiful world into this one, which is nothing such amazing as that dream can be. Sleep, sleep fast darling.

He didn't move, remained quiet to make sure that James wouldn't wake till the right time comes. Kendall was just watching James and kept wondering.

He did not feel ashamed because of all the feelings he had for James, he was happy that James wanted him, he knew that James would give him all of those things that he had ever desired. He was scared of himself. That he would not be able to give those things to James, that he'd fail loving him, that he'd cause disappointment and sorrow.

"Creepy." James' yawned and Kendall sighed laughing softly, he refused to cease his touch on James' skin. He loved touching that perfection.

"Slept well?"

James nodded, "was wondering you whether leave me here or not."

"I'm still here." Kendall whispered.

James pulled his hand out of under the cover and positioned it above Kendall's cheek, just the way Kendall was caressing James, James started caressing Kendall. "I see." He said as his hand started to move on Kendall's pale skin. "Thank you."

Kendall hummed.

"I don't like waking up alone either, so I thought I shouldn't do it to you, leaving you here."

"And now that I'm awake ... " James voice trailed off thinking about the following thing, "it's over?"

Kendall rolled his eyes and sighed again.

James then moved away and turned with his back to Kendall. Now the sun was shining straight into his face. It must be beautiful outside. Wish we could go outside holding hands and happily, in our own world.

"James, we need to sort it out." Kendall said whispering onto James' neck, trying to seduce him back to the lovely eye-contact they shared a moment ago.

"You must make a choice, Kendall." James sighed closing his eyes, the sun was shining too intense.

"I know. Come here." The blonde softly gripped James' bicep and turned him on his back.

James looked at him in the eye, Kendall was leaning on his elbow closely next to him with one palm on his chest caressing that little area where James had not shaven in a long while apparently, and the hair tickled Kendall's pale fingers.

James waited and waited patiently for a single word or an action from Kendall but there was nothing. Nothing but the uncertainty deep behind the green eyes but James could see it very clearly. And despite of this insecurity of Kendall's, he leant down and tried to touch James' lips. But James pushed him away with a hand placed onto his chest before their lips connected.

"Make up your mind." James got up from the bed and looked for his boxer briefs on the floor. The morning sunshine lighted his perfect shape and Kendall was amazed by the view. Damn. Kendall swallowed one after another as he watched James getting dressed. Every inch of his beautiful body slowly got covered. James defended himself this way. HIding from Kendall to save the energy of trying, but the sadness on his face was not coverable.

"I won't be your sex-toy, Kendall." James continued when he was fully dressed and Kendall still had not said a thing.

"I don't want to use you, I promise. i just need to know if it's good... if it can work..." Kendall mumbled standing up as well and pulling on his own underwear. He could speak before James would have left. "Understand, please, that it's not easy.. I know it isn't for you either. Just let me discover it..."

"Discover what?" James blinked. "Fucking around and enjoying that you are not alone when you wake up? It's about more for me, Kendall. I want it to be more, much more."

"Well, that's how more should start..." Kendall said reaching out for James hand. "I don't want to see you sad, like this. I want to please you and I know this is what you want.." Kendall took a half step back grinning and looking down at himself. Then he snuck back to James. He put a finger under his chin and touched the tip of his nose with his own. They felt their breaths hitting their faces. "I'm just scared I wouldn't be good at giving anything but good sex...or maybe not at that either after a time...and... I don't want to cause you disappointment..."

"Oh Kendall!" James lost it and pulled Kendall in for a hot kiss. He did not hesitate in shoving his tongue down on the blonde's throat, he wanted to hear the same groans he got last night and it was the fastest way to that. AS they were kissing James hand slid down on Kendall's side and into his underwear, he cupped his perfect ass and moaned into the kiss feeling the hot flesh in his hands.

Their hips danced a rough pace against each other. Kendall, even through James' jeans, was able to feel the brunette's growing cock.

They were getting into action deeply again. Kendall unbuttoned James' shirt and revealed his chest. He enjoyed the sight for a bare moment, then returned kissing him and they backed to the bed together. James fell onto it and Kendall was hovering above him in the next second, kissing him roughly, passionately and heading down. He touched James' neck leaving sweet kisses everywhere and went lower, along his chest and stomach not missing an inch of that perfectly delicious skin that James owned.

Kendall stopped at the belt and licked James' navel, soaked the little hair around it with his saliva and held James on the bed with his hands. It was hard for James to stay in place. Kendall's kisses were too hot, his touches were too intense. It was saying so much. So much of nonverbal communication, so much of love and Kendall possibly did not even notice how much he loved James. But his actions made it clear for James. You must give it to him. Give him the control and the safety. He is unsure because of the lack of his confidence. You need to assure him that he's going to do well.

James' mind kept working as Kendall's tongue went around once again on his chest and ended up near the waistline of his jeans. His erection was uncomfortable underneath the tightly squeezing fabric and he wished Kendall would quickly tear the clothes off to free him and do whatever he wanted.

Kendall started to undo the belt and James felt the relief.

They didn't speak anymore, but they exchanged looks. Kendall shut his mind off and focused on what he was doing and James knew it. That was why he tried to stay at his mind and use the chance to learn more about Kendall, to get to know why Kendall was doing what he actually was.

James saw the need of giving pleasure in the green eyes. He also discovered behind the shining lens the fear. It reaelly was visible that Kendall was scared of doing something wrong and with that failing. But then there was something else, too. The need of being loved and cherished. It was there clearly and Kendall couldn't hide it anymore.

The brunette had known it always. After all everyone wants love and someone to hold, someone to hold onto in happiness and in sorrow, but now Kendall's eyes were begging for James' belief in Kendall. James didn't understand how Kendall could be afraid so much when he already made it clear enough that he had serious intentions of being with him.

It's all that kept Kendall back. The fear that others did not believe in him. James now knew Kendall didn't want to let him in because he was scared so much of his own disbelief in himself. Kendall was scared of receiving love and caring because he didn't know with what he would deserve it.

James sat up and met Kendall in a long kiss. They slowly switched and James placed his finger onto Kendall's lips to mute him before he'd ask what he was doing.

First James got rid of every cloth of his own. His cock gloriously poking up toward his stomach and leaking from pre-cum but it was not time for himself just yet. He ignored his need of a touch on his dick and yanked Kendall's boxers off.

"Damn" The word left Kendall's mouth as he realized what was happening. His breathing got instantly heavier, his chest was falling and rising in a quick pace only by the thought of what was coming.

Kendall could see it perfectly clear.

James licked his lips lubricating them and gathering saliva to his dried mouth, and leant slowly down. Meanwhile he grabbed Kendall's cock. For Kendall it was aching pain, but the most pleasurable when James' fist tightened around the base and then it went agonizingly slowly up not touching the head, then back down.

The brunette was focusing on what he was doing but kept checking Kendall's facial expressions for feedback. He could see that he was doing well, so he comfortably took a seat on Kendall's tighs, then with his other hand he went to stroke his balls. That was when Kendall started groaning quite loudly, his eyes shut and his hands gripped the sheets.

And the rest was still just about to come then.

James took a deep breath and licked his lips once more than leant lower and touched the tip of Kendall's cock. He just lightly kissed it while stilll working with his hand and listening to the satisfied groans of Kendall's. James didn't know he would love this much the feeling of kissing Kendall there, but when he parted his lips and with his tongue he even tasted him, it was an ecstasy. He felt like he did not want to get off Kendall ever. It was so much more better than he ever imagined it would be, and the acknowledge that Kendall loved it as well just made it even better.

Oh and Kendall loved it. He bit on his lip and arched his back off the bed while moving with one hand to James' hair. He pulled on the brunette strands softly and groaned continously as his pleasure started to reach its peak. And James had done only a bit yet.

His hand fastened up the pace on Kendall's shaft, his other hand stimulated his balls, and his mouth stuck on the head of his dick. James sucked on it gently and twirled his tongue sweetly around wanting to feel him, to coat him with his saliva and then licking it back up flavoured with Kendall's taste.

When Kendall pulled a little rougher on his hair James knew it was about to get to an actual end and that was the time when he started to panic. Should he let him come into his mouth? Could he take that all? He was wondering and felt that Kendall was holding back but he didn't stop him. They exchanged a quick look and James made up his mind seeing Kendall's eager eyes.

James wanted it, he loved Kendall's taste and Kendall needed this to happen. Kendall needed to know that James loved everything that he had to offer.

So James fastened up all of his motions, sucked and pumped Kendall till the blonde exploded and his come shot into James' mouth.

James wasn't surprised. It got him in just the right moment and he wasn't disappointed either. Kendall tasted just as amazing as everything that he had already known of him, so it was easy to work him through his climax and squeeze every drop of his pleasure out into his mouth and down on his throat.

He did it with the most pleasure.

For Kendall.

And for himself.

Licking his lips and giving a few last strokes to Kendall's softening dick, James rised and eyed the still heavily breathing Kendall.

His cock ached for attention but he ignored it and hopped off Kendall and next to him into his arms and placing his head onto his chest. Kendall surprised welcomed him and wrapped his arms around him.

"Don't you want..?" Kendall breathed.

"I don't." Was the quick reply and then James kissed Kendall's chest.

"Thank you." Kendall murmured quietly and sweetly caressing James bared skin where he reached.

Kendall felt loved.

Within 24 hours for not the first time he had this feeling and he was amazed by James.

He knew he needed to learn how to accept love wherever it comes from he knew he only had to embrace it and then he wouldn't cause disappointment but could love with his best, too.