Thank you for your reviews. I just want to make it really clear that the whole '200 reviews' comment in my last AN was a joke. I thought it was pretty obvious because of the psyche(!) I added, but sometimes I assume too much, it would seem. And apparently, I'm not funny either. ;)
I would never blackmail my readers like that, I promise. I cherish all the reviews I receive but ultimately I write for myself because I love it and I would continue to do so even if I got zero reviews. Okay, glad that's settled. On with the story. Here's Bella and 'the huge overreaction of 2012', so to speak. ;)
BPOV
I keep trying to picture it in my mind. How we are going to do it, I mean. I'm not obsessed with sex, I promise, but this is a big deal for me and I think I'm allowed to obsess about it a little bit. I want it to be good. Not just for me, but for Edward too. But how do I do that? I'm so scared that I'll say or do the wrong thing, or that he won't like the way I look naked. I don't know why I'm feeling so insecure because I'm never usually like that. And it's not like there's anything wrong with my body. I'm not exactly toned, but I'm slender and my boobs are okay, I guess. Edward seems to like them a lot. It's just scary, being that exposed to another person. And not just any person; the boy I'm in love with.
Tap! Tap!
What the-?
I look over to my window but I can't see who's outside, tapping. My heart starts racing because I know it could only be one person. I jump out of bed and run to the window, shivering when the cold night air rushes in.
Edward!
"Why are you in my tree?" I blurt out, just like last time I found him balancing on a branch.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course," I say and open the window completely for him to pass through.
He jumps inside easily and I'm amazed at how agile he is. I would have fallen flat on my face if I ever tried something like that. He doesn't say anything as I close the window. He just stands there looking really nervous for some reason.
"So…what's up?" I finally ask.
"Um, I just wanted to come by," he answers and looks around my room.
"Okay."
"Can we sit down? We kind of need to talk about something."
We do? This can't be good.
"Sure," I croak and sit down on the edge of my bed.
My heart is already racing. Edward has shown up at my house really late and now he wants to talk. This is bad. This is really bad. Instead of joining me on the bed, he starts pacing, tugging at his hair like he always does when he's agitated.
"Look, Bella," he says suddenly, stopping in his tracks. "About tomorrow night…"
"What about it?" I whisper.
"I've been thinking about it a lot and maybe it's not such a good idea after all. I think we should just drop it. Yeah, we definitely should. We aren't exactly coming from the same place, you know, and we probably want different things. I just feel really, really stupid for not realizing it sooner. So…what do you think?"
What! Is he breaking up with me? Why is he doing this? Doesn't he want me?
I look up at him. He's so achingly beautiful standing there with his windblown hair and bright green eyes. He could have any girl he wants and I guess he finally sees that I'm not his type after all. I know that all the beautiful girls in school are just waiting for him to be back on the market and will probably do things with him that I can't even imagine doing. Like the stuff that Alice and I stumbled on when we looked at dirty movies on the internet as sort of a joke, but also because we were curious. Stuff involving having sex with more than one person at a time and having things stuffed in places where I never want anything stuffed. Alice and I ended up laughing hysterically but maybe Edward doesn't think it's funny. Maybe he thinks it's hot. Maybe that's what guys really like. And I won't ever be the kind of girl to do those types of things. Maybe he's decided that he doesn't want a girl who is as inexperienced as me. Maybe he wants to take a different girl to the dance and spend the night with her because she'll know what to do. The thought shatters me.
"Hey, are you crying?"
Edward sounds alarmed.
"No," I lie and look down.
"Baby," he says softly and I feel him kneeling down in front of me. "What's wrong?"
"P-please don't br-break up with m-m-me," I beg, unable to keep my sobs at bay.
I feel like my whole world is ending. Like all my hopes and dreams for the future have been ripped from me. I also feel angry. Angry with myself for begging him not to leave and angry with him for wanting to go. But most of all I feel sad because Edward won't be my boyfriend anymore and I never even got to tell him that I love him.
Yeah. They're eighteen. Hormonal, impulsive and seriously lacking in communication skills. I really miss those days. *sigh* (That was me being funny again, by the way) ;)
More tomorrow!
