Matilda had been having a really hard time. She felt to guilty to talk to Dean about it. He had enough to worry about with hunting and basically acting as her father most of the time. Dean and her dad had left on a hunt two days ago. Matilda was feeling horrible even before they left. She couldn`t even believe that she could be in so much emotional pain and not just die or pass out from it. But today she`d began having thoughts that really scared her. She was suddenly constantly thinking either about cutting or about suicide. She`d barely eaten in the past two days (that way she didn`t have to make herself throw up) and she`d been researching suicide methods for the past three and a half hours. She didn`t want to use one of the guns or the knives because she knew Dean would never forgive himself for leaving them with her after he`d found out that she`d been cutting herself. So far she`d kept her promise to Dean, but lately the only thing that relieved some of her depression was cutting herself and she knew that if she had been cutting herself she probably wouldn`t be trying to figure out how to tie a noose at the moment. She screwed it up a few times, each time becoming more and more upset with herself for failing. She finally got it right and placed it on the bed in front of her. She got up and began looking for a secure place to hang it in the motel room that she and Dean shared.
She was interrupted when her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and was shocked to see that Sam was calling her. She thought about it for a minute, unsure if she should pick up the phone or just follow through with her plan. But Dean had told her yesterday that the hunt probably wouldn`t be over for another few days, so she decided that she should talk to Sam for one last time.
"Hey Sam," she said. She noticed that since she`d decided to kill herself she was in a much more cheerful mood and she could definitely hear it in her own voice.
"Hey Matilda! I`m sorry I haven`t called you, I`ve just been busy getting settled in and everything. Dean sent me a text and told me that you were really upset that I hadn`t called."
"I`m fine. How is it at Stanford?"
"It`s great! I actually met a girl a couple of weeks ok and we`ve been dating."
The conversation went on for a little while before Sam laughed and told her that Dean had even threaten to come 'kick the shit' out of him for not calling her. Matilda told him that Dean had found out that she`d been cutting herself. Sam was amazed at how casually she said it.
"Oh my god! Matilda, you know that that`s a big deal, right? Are you ok?"
"I will be by tomorrow."
"What do you mean?"
Matilda never gave him a straight answer, just kept hinting at her plan to kill herself. She figured that as long as she kept Sam on the phone, he couldn`t call Dean or their dad, and she knew that Sam was too far away to make it to her in any less than five hours. What she didn`t realize was that Jessica was in the other room studying when Sam called. He tried not to let Matilda know, he put a finger to his lips to silence Jessica and took her phone. It immediately sent a text message to Dean.
Its sam. I know that this sounds crazy but i think matilda is planning on committing suicide. i`ll try to keep her on the phone just get to her fast!
In less than a minute the phone vibrated and he read on my way.
He kept Matilda on the phone for forty minutes when he heard her gasp.
"They weren`t supposed to be home for days. What did you do Sam?" he could hear her starting to cry. "Why would you do this to me?"
"I just want you to be safe. It-"
"I HATE YOU!" and with that she hung up the phone. But not before Sam heard Dean breaking the door down.
The first thing Dean saw when he broke into the motel room was the noose laying on the bed. He had to hold his breath for a second so that he didn`t lose control. At that moment he wanted to start punching the walls and throwing the lamps. Instead he took a deep breath and continued to the bathroom.
"Matilda? Open the door!"
"NO!" she screamed.
Dean was so scared about how bad she was that he didn`t even ask twice. He broke the bathroom door down too. After a quick scan, he knew that Matilda was ok and only had a cell phone with her.
Dean was already kicking himself for leaving her alone when he knew that she was going through something. But his horror and despair came out as anger instead.
"I told you to talk to me when you were upset!" Matilda began shaking. She`d heard Dean use this tone with older boys and once with a monster who`d come after her. This tone always came just before he started throwing punches, and Dean had never used it before. Matilda didn`t realize that she`d been backing away from him in fear until she felt her back hit the bathroom wall.
The fear in his sister`s eyes broke Dean`s heart. Didn`t she know that he would never hurt her? From the way she was looking at him, obviously not. It looked like a child who knew she was about to get beaten. He relaxed and put his arms out to hug her. She hesitated for a moment before running into his arms. She buried her face in him for about ten minutes. Dean didn`t know it, but the only time that Matilda felt good was when she was spending time with Dean. She really believed with all of her heart that he was the only person in the world who loved her. She didn`t bother telling that to Dean because she knew that he would just argue and tell her that everyone loved her. But she knew that they really didn`t.
When she was finally ready to face the fact that there was a world outside of Dean, she looked up.
"D-d-does d-dad know?" she looked and sounded truly horrified.
Dean shook his head, "I told him that you were sick." Matilda felt relieved for a split second until Dean continued, "But I`m going to have to talk to him."
"What? Why?"
Dean sighed, "Matilda obviously you`re not ok to be alone right now and I can`t come up with a new lie every time there`s a hunt."
Matilda knew that he was right, but she hated it. Instead of answering she hugged Dean tightly and buried her face into his shoulder. Dean was an even better escape than cutting.
