Disclaimer: I do not own V. A. :( Richelle Mead does. Just the same I hope you'll enjoy reading it. R&R This is after Last Sacrifice.

As a few weeks went by since the fiasco I had with Adrian and I healed from the physical bullet wounds I incurred. As it were I wore a smile, a let on to everyone around me that I was happy. With everything going on at court and with me being a Royal Guardian standing sentry near Lissa; I was now able to think a lot.

And every thought had been wither or not I'd made the right decision in choosing Dimitri over Adrian.

I had loved Dimitri so much, and after he became Strigoi that hadn't changed.

Yet it seemed I had allowed myself only to see him, I realized I wouldn't let anyone in who wasn't Dimitri.

Even as Adrian opened my heart to him I hadn't fully opened myself to feel the full effects of his encompassing love of me nor to fully love him in return, I was so obsessed with trying to bring my old life and lover back into the equation of my life that I was to blinded, over looking just how much Adrian had been ingrained in my life, and just how much he actually meant to me. So much so that I still felt the pain of his departure from my life like a freshly open wound.

And every conclusion I came to was that I. Love. Him. Not loved, but was still in Love with him. Adrian that is.

Without my even realizing, my heart had taken to his love. Grown to need it. Longed for it.

Then I was still tormented by the last conversation we had, his hurt, his absolute pain haunted me. He had truely loved me and my obsession destroyed him.

Then there were the torturous dream where he held me, in such love and comfort. Dreams that felt so real to me. Those dream had a way of making me feel empty when I woke.

But what could I do if I still felt something toward Dimitri too? Because he was there, his goodness and strength. Everything that made me fall for him in the beginning, manifesting itself on me every single day. The connection which was deffinately there was completely hard to ignore, like the pull of a soulmate.

Rethinking and reanalyzing everything I walked to Lissa's for lunch since it was my day off.

She sat looking over a file as I entered I couldn't help but smile at her intense consintration, she so wanted to be a good queen and I believed she was the best. But again I am very biased.

I was so proud of her for stepping up even though she was terrified of the responsibility and burdens that came with position.

"I'm sorry Rose," she sighed waving the folder. "work just followed me to lunch. But it'll be taken care of quickly."

"No such thing as rest when your queen?" I teased.

"Will this is finished," she declared handing the paper to a Moroi lady standing to her right and explaining what had to be done.

When the woman left she smiled brightly. "God, it feels good to have lunch with you today, your always near but you have no idea how much I miss it just being us."

"I couldn't agree more. But seeing you do what you do is amazing. Your awesome, Lis."

She blushed. Thanking me and telling me she doesn't do it alone and her supporters often helped her. I knew she talked things over with Christian too when she needed someone else's thoughts, before making a presentation to the council of princes and princesses.

"So how is Christian doing?" I asked taking a sip of my tea.

She gave a sly smile, "Christian? I thought you'd ask about when Dimitri wil be home, or is that you acting like its no big deal?"

"No,"

"They're coming back to court in a day or two. I wish it was today, I miss him so much."

I gave a smile which was cause to worry since I'm sure it looked pained rather than happy, of course she notice right off I really wasn't excited about their return, odd considering the fuss I made so that Dimitri and I could be together.

"Rose what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Biting my lip, I didn't know if I should ask- didn't know if I had the right to- but before I could convince myself I shouldn't I blurted, "Has Adrian come to you in a dream yet?"

She looked down a bit sad she picked at her roll before saying. "Once a week and a half ago."

That was the day after he left. I thought.

"Where is he? Is-is he doing alright?"

"I don't know where he is I tried to ask but he said he just wanted to assure me he was alright and not to worry, also that he knew I would make a wonderful queen. Though he looked pained saying that, I assumed it was because of his aunt. Than the dream dissolved. But his aura. . ." she stopped herself from saying any more.

"What?" Lissa stayed quiet. "Lis tell me." I pleaded.

"He's depressed, and so sad."

"God this is my fault," I groaned dropping my head onto my hands.

"Oh no. Rose you can't blame yourself for this. It is not your fault."

"It is," taking a shaky breath trying to get a hold of myself. Guilt was gnawing at my insides when I said. "It is my fault. I was to stupid to see what a great man he was, I . . ."

"Wait stop," Lissa said holding up a hand. "Rose don't do this to yourself." she said leaning forward and speaking softly. "Adrian is not a child he can handle himself. I highly doubt this is his first heartbreak nor will it be his last. Don't blame youself for wanting to be happy."

"That's just it Lis, I'm not." my voice trembled but I pushed forward I needed to tell someone, I needed to work through this somehow with someone. "I go around acting like I am but I'm not. Everything between Dimitri and I was like a dream come true, but I woke up to see smoke and mirrors. And the person who opened my heart, who loved me and stuck by even as I constantly hurt him is gone. And I didn't realize I'd made a mistake until it was to late." I paused taking a breath.

"Rose? What are you trying to say?"

Lissa said her eyes wide in concern.

"Liss, I have been so stupid. How could I have not noticed?"

"What?" Lissa breathed but she knew exactly what I was saying. And her eyes said she understood completely. And then soften in sympathy. "I just want you to be happy Rose. After everything you've been threw, you deserve that. So I say follow your heart."

"What if it's too late?" I said in a tight voice as I struggled not to cry. "What if what I have done can't be mended."

Lissa came around and brought me into a tight protective hug, as if she could keep all the pain and heartache away while simultaneously holding my own heart together. "Well honey you'll never know unless you try."

"That's what I should have done to begin with." I mumbled into her shoulder.

"Rose, don't blame yourself, and don't lose hope you're full to the brim with it, it's always given you a reason to fight so fight. Don't give up, not on someone you love. Never on someone you love" she drew my face to look at her. "Do you hear me?"

Then I remembered something Adrian had said to me once: Somehow I think you could do all sort of bad things to me, and I'd still come back to you.

With that memory weaving itself softly around me I knew hope again. I knew I had to try.

I nodded.

She was right. I had told Adrian I always fought for myself, for others. No matter what, that was true. Now I would have to fight for him, and I would.