Chapter 3: Wolves in Ponies' Clothing
"What the hell is that noise!?"
Robert's untimely shout, combined with the sound of the grating cheers of hundreds of ponies caused Isaac and Jackson to jolt up from their beds, now wide awake.
"Goddammit, I'm trying to sleep here!" Jackson grumbled, rubbing his eyes. Upon noticing that Isaac was present, his irritated expression became one of casual curiosity. "Dude, you were out like a fucking light when we got back. What the hell were you up to?"
"Remember that griffon that was here yesterday?" Isaac asked.
Jackson laughed. "Yeah, she was a total bitch! What about her?"
"I dealt with her," Isaac replied vaguely.
Jackson raised an eyebrow. "So, where's she now?
"In my stomach."
"In your stomach?" Robert asked with a confused expression. "What the hell is that supposed to-" he stopped dead in his tracks after realizing the implications of Isaac's statement.
Jackson and Robert stared at their grinning friend with dumbfounded expressions, digesting the information.
"Holy shit, you fuckin' ate the bitch," Robert said blankly.
"Dude!" Jackson said with a hint of awe in his voice. "I mean, I've done some fucked-up shit, but god damn!"
Isaac's smirk widened. "Well, I'll admit that it was in poor taste."
"..."
"..."
"...Heheh. You're funny."
"I know I am."
The former humans would have continued with their pastime of making jokes about the fate of a certain griffon, but they agreed that dealing with the large, noisy crowd outside was the action with the greater payoff.
Pushing their way to the front of the cheering crowd, they were met with the sight of a small stage that appeared to have been set up only several hours ago. Out of the corner of their eyes they spied Twilight Sparcunt and her acolytes to their left. The trio made sure to keep a fair distance, as to avoid any interaction with them.
"Hey, pal, who set this up?" Isaac asked the pony who was standing beside him, gesturing at the stage.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie!" The pony replied excitedly, eyes glued to the stage.
"Who the fuck is-"
"Shhh!" The pony interrupted. "She's coming on!"
Somewhat intrigued, Isaac, Robert, and Jackson looked at the stage, the rest of the crowd taking the same action.
What proceeded was a blue unicorn dressed as a magician entering the stage in a puff of smoke and announcing that she would perform great feats of magic and whatnot, followed by small fireworks; nothing unusual for a performer. The crowd seemed to agree, the majority cheering and clapping enthusiastically as she began her line of magic tricks.
Those differing from the majority included Twispite Sparkle and her friends; they responded with indigence and reprehension, criticizing the performer's announcement as boasting and acting as if over-the-top statements weren't a staple of magic acts.
Isaac entertained the idea of walking over to them and criticizing their rudeness while simultaneously putting himself on the moral high ground, all for the purpose of fucking with them.
The idea appealed to him more and more the longer he thought about it; he had been able to effortlessly manipulate Pinkie into humiliating Gilda, this action enabling him to shove her off the mortal coil with no questions asked. If he, Jackson, and Robert could at first share the majority opinion and harshly criticize the fucktard ponies, but then pretend to agree with them, make the majority share their view, and humiliate Trixie in a manner similar to Gilda, there would be nobody questioning her sudden absence.
Isaac smiled and looked at his friends; judging from the amused smirks on their faces, they were thinking the same thing.
The former humans made their way towards Twilight and her friends, each of them wearing a fake expression of indignation.
"-Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make them better than the rest of us!" Rarity's expression was as contempt-filled as her friends, save for Twilight; she wore a mask of trepidation and guilt.
"Especially when you got me around be better than the rest of-" Rainbow Dash chose this moment to open her stupid fucking trap, but Isaac spared the others by interrupting.
"Jesus Christ, how rude can you get?"
The ponies immediately turned to the trio, their faces projecting slight reprehension and curiosity.
"I beg your pardon?" Rarity asked.
"This unicorn spent hours upon hours preparing their routine, perfecting her magic, and setting up the stage for the purpose of entertaining others and perhaps getting deserved compensation for said entertainment, but all you and your friends can do is fuckin' berate her and criticize her acting as a performer should?" Isaac's act was pretty convincing, judging by the look of consideration that briefly flashed on the critic-ponies' faces.
"Well, besides the terribly unnecessary profanity intermingled with it, I suppose your statement has merit," Rarity admitted, composed as always. She turned to to her friends. "What do you make of Isaac's conjecture?"
A hint of a smirk tugged on Isaac's manufactured scowl. Hook, line, and sinker.
However, whatever idiotic drivel that was about to spew from the ponies' vocal cords was interrupted by Trixie herself.
"Well, well, well," Trixie announced. "It appears that we have some neigh-sayers in the audience! Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie?" The performer in question said to the crowd. "Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?"
As Trixie made her conceited declaration, Isaac, Jackson, and Robert quickly looked around at the state of the crowd; they appeared to be mostly neutral as they murmured amongst themselves.
The three looked at each other and knew that this was the moment to 'change' their minds and act supportive.
"You know, that's actually pretty damn arrogant of her to say," Robert remarked, sharing his friends' fabricated expressions of reconsideration.
"Jesus, Trixie," Isaac grunted. "Show some level of subtlety."
"What a cunt." Jackson couldn't help but smirk.
As expected, the incarnations of stupidity reluctantly agreed.
Satisfied with the quiet crowd, Trixie proceeded to conjure more fireworks out of her ass, evidently pleased with herself. However, her celebration was cut short when the Rainbow Bitch flew up on the stage and got in her face aggressively.
"So, Great and Powerful Trixie," Rainbow said disparagingly. "What makes you think you're so awesome, anyway?"
Trixie responded with a spiteful laugh. "Only the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to vanquish the dreaded Ursa MAJOR!" she said dramatically, setting off more bullshit fireworks and using her magic to form a diagram that illustrated Trixie's tale as she confidently explained how she saved some town from a giant, bear-like monster. The accuracy of said tale meant jack shit to the trio due to the crowd's awe-filled and positive reaction; if the crowd didn't turn on Trixie, then their plan would be rendered null and void. Making things even worse were the two puny unicorns outright praising her.
"Trixie truly is the most talented, the most magical, the most awesome unicorn in Ponyville!" One of the sycophantic bastards announced.
"No!" The other cut in. "In all of Equestria!"
"How do you know?" Spike heckled the two fanboys. "You didn't see it! Besides, Twi-" Spike was promptly silenced by Twilight as she somehow turned his mouth into a zipper and shut it.
Jackson would have asked Twilight if he could learn how to do that in his next magic lesson were it not for the feasibility of their murder plot hinging on whether or not the crowd hated Trixie.
Reveling in the admiration she had procured, Trixie proclaimed herself as superior to the residents of Ponyville, a sentiment Isaac couldn't help but agree with; those fuckers made Fred Phelps look like the pinnacle of sentience.
As this conceited display occurred, Spike made attempt after attempt to convince Twilight to use her admittedly advanced magic skills to show off Trixie. Unfortunately for Spike, the status quo of Twilight being a gutless pussy was firmly upheld as she vehemently insisted that utilizing her magical talent would be stooping to Trixie's level.
Jackson was pondering the possibility of going in Twilight's place and testing out his Spontaneous Combustion spell on Trixie when Applejack confronted the performer, cracked an extremely underwhelming one-liner, and proceeded to do some of the strangest tricks he had ever seen someone perform with a rope, with the exception of certain things he had seen on the internet that he had sworn to his Mom he would never look at again. Regardless of the odd memories it brought up, Applejack's performance seemed to have done the trick, with the audience cheering enthusiastically.
However, the celebration was cut short when Trixie used her magic to animate Applejack's rope in the likeness of a snake, the rope's movement's mesmerizing the hick. Trixie then quickly manipulated the rope into hogtying Applejack. Needless to say, the trio laughed along with the rest of the crowd as she crawled off the stage in what was evidently pure shame.
Rainbow Bitch was angered by this turn of events and rushed to the stage, clearly intent on besting Trixie.
"Alright!" Rainbow Bitch announced, getting in Trixie's smirking face. "Let's see you do this!"
What followed was a flying routine that could be likened to a Micheal Bay movie; flashy, physics-defying, and utterly lacking in substance.
Rainbow was about to let loose a heavily prepared one-liner when Trixie created a pony-sized thundercloud above her and struck her with a bolt of magically-induced lightning, the likes of which caused her to yelp in pain, jump of the stage, and humiliatingly land face-first in the gravel. Once again, Isaac found himself amongst those cheering in the crowd.
The notable events of the next few minutes consisted of Rarity being humiliated by Trixie to the point of tears, Twilight continuing to pussy out of taking Trixie's challenge, and everyone else attempting to goad her into taking action. But alas, Twilight's cowardice proved to be too great, and she ended up fleeing with Spike in tow, the crowd loving Trixie more than ever.
Needless to say, the trio's plan had been ruined, and they retreated back to their apartment as a result, a bit miffed.
For the next hour or two the trio relegated their activities to sitting around the apartment, bored out of their fucking minds.
Jackson was about to propose going out and robbing a liquor store when a primal roar of gargantuan magnitude reverberated throughout the entire town, causing the whole room to rattle violently. The roar was immediately followed by loud stomping and screams of terror.
They instantly bolted upwards, adrenaline kicking in.
"What the hell is that noise!?" Robert shouted for the second time that day.
Opening the window's blinds, the culprit became clear; barging through the town, smashing buildings, and devouring the odd pony was the very creature Trixie claimed to have vanquished; an Ursa Major. Tracing its trail of destruction, their theory was justified when they found that it led to the entrance of the infamous Everfree Forest.
The sounds of destruction continuing to escalate around them, the trio met each others' eyes, their expressions somewhat blank.
"Well, time to GTFO."
Rushing out of the apartment in the conventional means as to not draw the Ursa's attention, the trio was on the verge of running for the hills when they saw Trixie nervously approaching the furious Ursa, her two fanboys urging her on from behind.
Isaac was about to question why Trixie didn't just go ahead and incinerate the monster with her apparently awesome magic when said monster lunged at Trixie and snapped its mighty jaws around her, chewing briefly before swallowing her whole. Trixie's acolytes proceeded to scream at the top of their lungs, instantly turning around and fleeing as the Ursa continued to rampage.
"Holy shit, he fuckin' ate the bitch," Robert said blankly.
Briefly looking around at the widespread destruction plaguing Ponyville, they proceeded to resume their survival-oriented plan of running the hell away.
Mulling about in an impromptu trench they had dug in the green hills several miles outside of Ponyville, Isaac, Jackson, and Robert sat in relative silence, observing the long-overdue destruction of the town they all hated with the utmost vitriol.
"Y'know..." Jackson finally spoke up. "That thing wasn't an Ursa Major."
Robert and Isaac had not been expecting this, as evidenced by their confused expressions.
"You shitting me?" Robert asked.
Jackson smirked as he shook his head. "Nope. That wee little bastard is only an Ursa Minor."
Isaac raised an eyebrow. "If that was just a Minor, then what the hell is a Major like?"
Jackson's smirk widened. "Well for starters, they're about five times bigger than small fry over there." He gestured over at Ponyville, the sounds of the rampaging Ursa more prevalent than ever.
"How do you know all this?" Robert asked.
"Twilight covered it in one of my magic lessons," Jackson replied. "Speaking of Twilight, she's either in the process of subduing the Ursa, or well on the way to catching on with Trixie in the fucker's digestive tract."
While Jackson had been talking, Isaac had been once again observing the Minor's path of destruction leading back to the Everfree Forest, imagining what would happen if the Major somehow got involved. He then recalled a spell Jackson had learned that allowed him to conjure a small ball of light that he was capable of moving around telepathically.
Hypothetically, if one were to, say, use such a magical light to wake up, irritate, and lead an Ursa Major to Ponyville, would that be enough to completely and utterly fuck their shit up beyond all repair and cause a chain reaction that would eventually lead to the violent collapse of all Equine 'society'?
Isaac smiled; only one way to find out.
The Ursa Major slumbered deeply in the stone chasm she called home. A gargantuan fortress of flesh, fangs, and claws, this titan of nature was firmly placed on the very top of the Everfree's food chain, and as such paid no mind to her domicile's easily accessible entrance; any creature in the region would not dare disturb a predator of her caliber, especially now that she had a cub to raise.
Living her life as a creature that was simply too big to be threatened, it came as a shock when her sharp senses picked up the telltale magical energy of a unicorn in her cave, drawing ever closer. Instinctively realizing the harm magic could cause both her and her cub, she instantly rode from her slumber, turned towards the intruder, roared so loud that the cave's walls shook violently, and-
-was greeted by the sight of an irritatingly bright ball of golden light, her cub nowhere to be found.
Briefly confounded by the lack of both a unicorn and her cub, her maternal instincts quickly took over and instantly made a connection between the psuedo-unicorn intruder and the absence of her offspring.
Roaring again, the Ursa quickly locked onto the intruder in a manner only predators are capable of and charged the ball of light, said light racing out of her cave and through the forest at a speed matching her own, causing the Ursa's primal rage to increase tenfold.
Unknown to the Ursa Major, three ponies stood on a cliff overlooking her cave, laughing hysterically as they watched the Ursa blindly chase after the light, as they watched the Ursa effortlessly tear through the Everfree, and especially as they watched the carnivore's massive bulk blot out the nighttime lights of Ponyville, the terrified screams of ponies echoing far and wide; these cries of fear reminded the surrounding world and the creatures inhabiting it that the Ponies, with their magic and philosophy of pacifism, were not exempt from the cycle of predator and prey.
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