Chapter Four
Falling short of expectation, perhaps more enough on her mother's side, Emma chose to sleep in the guest room instead of in the brunette's bed.
It wasn't just the paranoid notion of feeling that she would be pushing things a little too far if that had been her decision. But the actuality of knowing that healing is a process that one also has to go through alone, the blonde found little solace in something else other than close proximity. In more ways than one, she would be there for her around every corner. However, right there and then, they needed to keep a little distance from each other.
She had risen early the following morning, although feeling quite comfortable enough in the plush bed just in the room across the hall from where Regina slept. Occasionally, Emma found herself fluttering out from the depths of sleep and listening intently for any unusual sounds through the night. Nothing was out of sorts.
And now she was preparing a bowl of oatmeal with blueberry and apple chunks from one of the many boxes nestled in the kitchen drawers.
It wasn't surprising that Regina seemed to be the number one health conscious woman she had ever met. If anything else had come into her path to prove otherwise, the blonde would have been slightly surprised. Knowing that the older woman was really funny about fatty foods that she even tried to sway Henry's lifestyle away from that.
Emma added a dash of sugar and hummed to herself, evidently trying to hold onto the little happiness she felt from their conversation the night before.
At times, she would drift towards that one sentence, where Regina highlighted that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. As childish as it would come across, the blonde wanted to curl up and sigh from that statement. She couldn't believe it. She just couldn't.
With her back towards the kitchen entrance, she hovered over the sink as washing up the utensils was her main focus now.
Apart from the birds flitting about in the apple trees outside the window. Emma marveled over the fact that certain things, certain sounds had become sharper now. Like the sunlight pouring into the room. The warmth of it; something she savoured. And the rustle of the leaves from a light morning breeze.
She was humming to Ed Sheeran's 'Shape of You' when the sound of a stool being moved behind her forced the younger woman to cease all movements.
Emma actually dropped the yellow sponge and spun around, although she was quite aware that the only persons who trespass in the mansion would be someone she knew already.
However, the sight of Regina settling onto the stool wasn't something she was mentally prepared for. In fact, the blonde gasped and tried to make sense of the change.
The brunette was still weak, had to be, and actually dragging herself downstairs like this wasn't supposed to be accepted.
"Jesus," Emma's chest still heaved uncontrollably, "what the hell, Regina!"
A faint smile rested on the older woman's face as she reached for the spoon and pulled the bowl of oatmeal towards her. Her disheveled hair gave the brunette the appearance of a wildly sexy morning after glow; something the blonde's heart wasn't really prepared for. Not to mention the presence of a flush on those honey coloured cheeks now.
"Explain yourself," the younger woman grabbed a spatula and attempted to appear rather cross as if she was scolding the brunette. "You're supposed to be in bed. Not down here. Suppose you fell or something?"
"Well…I didn't," Regina sucked on her spoon and considered the blonde with a totally cute expression on her face. "Yum. This is really good."
Of all the things in the world to become mildly mesmerized by, she just had to fall into a gaze that rested on the curls and the beauty encompassing the older woman. Nothing was more beautiful. Nothing could be…more captivating than standing there at the kitchen sink and admiring the flutter of eyelashes as their eyes met. As they held that connection between them.
"I was second thinking if I should use the blueberries," Emma laughed nervously and turned to resume her kitchen duty of washing the wares. "I mean, you're more of an apple person all the time."
"Anything that would be considered as a fruit."
"I thought so too," the blonde chuckled to herself, feeling how her neck had grown warmer.
The silence elapsed between them as the water gushed through the faucet. She found herself fixing stuff around the kitchen that didn't need any kind of attention. Like the plates. Stacking and stacking them again. Going over the spoons in the drawer. Then moving to the towels that had to be refolded.
"Why did you sleep in the guest room?" Regina finally asked from where she sat next to the kitchen island
Emma paused what she was doing. Her mind froze over for a few seconds. "I just thought…that…I should."
"Didn't you want to sleep with me?" the brunette had long finished her bowl of oatmeal. Her voice wasn't quite level.
"I…did," the younger woman slowly turned around, and their eyes met. "I mean…I just thought that you wouldn't want me to be so close to you…so soon."
"Did I…say that to you?" Regina blinked. Both her hands were folded upon the surface of the island.
"No," Emma said quickly. She shook her head. "Well, I…"
"You…thought…" the older woman croaked. "For both of us. You…assumed I didn't want you there with me. So you left."
"I'm sorry?" the blonde tried, offering a sheepish look, "…about that?"
"I'd like if you stopped thinking about what I would want or what I would say and I would like you to actually start to engage me instead on these things," Regina tried to be firm, but her voice didn't reflect that.
"Okay," Emma nodded, feeling her throat tighten. She didn't understand why this conversation felt somewhat colder than expected.
Turning back to the heap of towels, she resumed folding them, all the while feeling her chest prickle from being on the brink of crying.
My god, she thought to herself, why was I suddenly becoming so sensitive to every damn thing she has to tell me? How could I easily cry now when I used to hold it together?
Emma tried to breathe. She swallowed hard. And all the while, she could feel Regina's eyes on her. It wasn't a nice feeling to know that at the very beginning, there was that trace of disappointment in Regina's tone. Trying to do what was best. That's what the blonde had done.
Snow had been right. Her mother was always right on these things and she should have followed her advice. Now there was this tension between them, something that had eased away a little since last night and Emma couldn't bring herself to understand it. Not when the last two days had been nothing but lacking in conversation between them.
"I'm going to sit out back for a while," she managed to say, deciding that cooling off away from the brunette would be best.
Pushing the towels into their spot, Emma inhaled deeply and she turned around without making eye contact. She headed to the door, all the while feeling as if at some point, her tears would come from being so frustrated over all of this and there was no way those tears would stop.
"Emma," Regina croaked, and she slowly eased herself off of the stool whilst the blonde reached the threshold, "wait."
Nothing could stop her really. Frustration was like a ball of chaos that grew and expanded and could reach a threatening point where it would explode. All of this, she was trying to do her best and having so much patience. Wouldn't someone else had done the same thing by sleeping in the guest room?
Why was Regina making such a big deal out of it? Why did she use that tone on her? Why in the world was she, Emma, heading outside with so much tension building up around her temples?
She settled herself on the wooden bench painted black under one of the apple trees, noting how a few leaves drifted down and those emerald eyes fluttered close. Feeling the distance between them narrowing. Knowing that whatever happened, Regina was always the one who came after her without fearing anything.
"Emma," the brunette croaked from behind.
The younger woman sighed. "You shouldn't be out here."
"Well…I'm out here," Regina rushed out in one breath. "I'll go wherever you go."
"Don't do that," the blonde said, her lips quivering.
A few seconds of silence elapsed between them. The leaves rustled a lot more as the morning wind picked up speed.
"I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh back in the kitchen," Regina said softly. "I didn't mean to be like that. I'm just really unsettled."
"Then you shouldn't be out here," Emma said, keeping her back to the brunette.
"So you know what's best for me now after almost six years of being completely blind to my feelings." The older woman's tone was harsh.
Emma inhaled deeply. She wasn't going to do this. Not now. "I'll pretend that you didn't say that to me," she said hoarsely. "Before you say anything else that makes me feel shitty, maybe you should just go back inside and get some rest."
"I'm not going to go back inside," Regina whined, and she went towards the blonde, then lowered herself onto the bench. "I want to be with you. Don't you understand that?"
Emma tried to take deep breaths. Her eyes remained closed. "I'm really trying my best here," she smiled but her lips quivered still. "I really am. I'm trying to do what's right and I'm trying to make up for almost six years…as you've said. And around every corner, it seems as if you just want to constantly remind me that I fucked up. I don't know how I'm supposed to make this work if you're going to see me as someone who's trying to hurt you. Because I don't want to hurt you. I never did."
More silence between them. So much more. Until she couldn't stand it anymore and Emma got up from that bench that felt crowded all of a sudden. Her footsteps led some way off and even the sounds of nature couldn't allow a frustrated mind to ease away the stress from it.
Wherever she went, the other woman was bound to follow, or so it seemed. For as she stood there trying to gather herself together, Emma suddenly felt Regina's arms wrapping around her waist from behind. Warm arms. Arms that felt so soothing and comforting. She sunk into that feeling and could literally feel all the tension drifting away.
Even as they remained that way for some time, all Emma thought was that she wanted them to stay like that forever. No more fights. No more harsh words. But just the nearness that provided enough clarity on how connected they were.
"I don't mean to be so harsh with you," Regina pressed her lips onto the other woman's ear and the mere sound of her voice curled the blonde's toes in her boots. "Maybe it's all this pent up frustration inside."
"Both of us," Emma whispered, feeling a tear slip down her cheek.
The brunette pressed a soft kiss that lingered on the blonde's neck, just where tendrils curled up and smelled like watermelons. She seemed to be completely savouring the moment, and hoping that it wouldn't end. Until the younger woman sighed, entwined their fingers and slowly but surely, she began to lead them back into the looming mansion.
Regina pouted, her skin still paler than usual and for the first time, Emma noted how she had lost some weight. The hospital food hadn't been any good, according to Snow. The older woman during her stay didn't seem to have an appetite. And juices plus the IV drip only provided so much for one's body.
Later on in the day, it was some time before either of them managed to become tangled up in an engaging conversation. The hours moved by so fast. But the one moment that seemed to drag by deliciously was the time they both spent during Regina's soak in the tub.
The warm aroma of vanilla remained captured in the tiled space whilst the younger woman took a comfortable seat behind the older woman on the lip of the tub.
Of course she hadn't meant to be present at all, but upon hearing the brunette's pleas for her keeping company, Emma complied.
She found herself grabbing the bottle of shampoo and flipping up the cover. They weren't talking at that moment. But just enjoying each other's company when Emma began to lather the older woman's dark tendrils and Regina immediately allowed a low moan to escape from within her. Leaning back and sinking lower into the tub, those brown eyes fluttered whilst Emma's fingers gently massaged her scalp, paying special attention to around the brunette's temples.
"So…yes?" Regina's voice had grown huskier.
From where the blonde sat, she couldn't quite scrutinize the older woman's facial expression. "Dunno," Emma said, allowing her fingertips to wander just behind the brunette's ears. "Maybe WhatsApp wasn't such a good idea, you know?"
"Mmmhmm…"
"We could have talked…face to face."
Regina's chest heaved. She was completely naked, but the suds covered most of her body. Emerald eyes kept drawing to just where those honey coloured legs were kinked, the older woman's knees rising above the water and she couldn't deny the growing flush around her neck. The need to see more. To know more.
"You could have come to me. Talked to me. Said something."
"I was…afraid."
Emma couldn't believe that. "You? Afraid? Of me? Come on."
Regina sighed. She allowed her right foot to slowly rise out of the suds. The blonde admired those small, cute toes as they caressed the lip of the tub. She swallowed hard and blinked fast when the brunette's inner right thigh was slowly revealed.
"I mean," she was finding it so hard to breathe all of a sudden and her constant, but gentle massaging therapy into the older woman's scalp had obviously slowed down. "You're my…hope. Someone I really like."
"Like…" Regina croaked.
"No, I mean," Emma shook away her distracted thoughts, "of course I love everything about you. But in terms of when we were friends –"
"We were never friends," the brunette stated. "We initially were enemies. Then frenemies, as Henry oftentimes labelled us as. Then we moved right into sexual tension and jealousy and obvious flirting…"
"I…flirted with you?" the blonde was staring at the tiled wall in front of the tub.
"You led me on, Emma. We never used to ever touch," Regina said. "And then all of a sudden, you started touching me constantly. Rubbing my back. Squeezing my arm. Brushing our fingers. Playing with my hair…"
She was staring again, emerald eyes widening after realizing that indeed her gestures had changed.
"Let's not exclude smoothie Sundays," the brunette said.
Emma wanted to ask why the older woman's voice had suddenly grown even huskier. But she didn't. "Smoothie Sundays were the best thing that ever happened between us. I don't think anyone else knows about that. Not even Henry."
"I highly favoured it," Regina lifted her face a little as the blonde used the detachable shower head to rinse away the suds from her forehead. "I looked forward to Sundays because it meant spending time with you. Listening to your side of everything we had gone through. Just the two of us discussing our ideas. Our approaches on things."
"We make a pretty good pair," Emma noted, combing her fingers through dark tendrils as the older woman leaned back and the swell of her breasts slowly could be seen.
"Stop staring," the brunette said and smirked.
"I'm…not."
"If you wish to see me naked, Emma, all of me," Regina purred, "then all you have to do is ask nicely."
As if it was going to be that easy. Then again, she could be wrong.
"But no touching," the older woman added and a hoarse chuckle escaped from between her lips.
"I'd like to…kiss you first," Emma found herself blurting out. Until the words floated between them, then she decided to swallow her embarrassment.
"Where?" Regina croaked. Her fingers gripped the lip of the tub and she settled her head of dark hair onto the other woman's faded blue jeans.
"What do you mean…where?" the blonde whispered. Holy shit. The images that slowly began to form within her mind weren't exactly innocently conjured up.
"I've been quite aware of where your gaze has been lingering, Emma," Regina suddenly said, a pleasing smirk upon her lips. "Should I spell it out for you? Because I can."
"Jesus," Emma's chest heaved and the shower head almost slipped from her grasp. "Only yesterday we weren't even talking. And now you totally want to be R rated with me."
Regina sank lower into the tub and the water covered most of her. "I want you to make love to me, Emma." She was breathing through her lips; the raspy sounds absolutely curling the other woman's toes. "Until I scream your name over and over again. Can you do that?"
"Regina…" The blonde croaked. She couldn't breathe. How on earth had things escalated so quickly to a point where she seemed to be slipping off the brink of sanity?
Why was she doing this?
Why the hell was she moving so fast?
Emma sat there and was so confused.
"Take off your clothes and get in with me," the older woman's words created bubbles upon the water as she sank lower.
Emma was rooted to the spot. Somehow, her limbs wouldn't react. Somehow, she was frozen. She was unresponsive. Emma fought as much as she could against her mind and could literally feel her heart hammering away.
They were moving too goddamn fast.
This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. Not when they had crashed. They needed time to heal, at least. To talk to each other. To get things out in the open. The wound was still fresh.
"I…can't," she found herself saying out loud.
"Why?" Regina sounded slightly disappointed.
The blonde swallowed hard. "Because I…" she could feel herself growing so nervous from that request alone, even after a few second had passed. "I just can't."
More time rested between them.
Then suddenly, Regina slowly submerged herself into the depths of the soapy water that was faintly coloured pink. Emerald eyes captured that move and allowed it. Because the other woman found herself deeply concerned about how she had reacted. How her body reacted as much to suggest that she wanted so much more, that she wanted to comply but yet, she had grown so nervous.
Then when almost a minute passed by and the brunette did not emerge from the water, she stared back and waited.
"Regina?" her voice trembled a bit.
Emma reached out and sunk her fingertips into the tub, immediately feeling the tangled mass of dark, silky hair.
"Hey, come up now," she said, her forehead creasing in concern. "Regina." She scratched the older woman's scalp beneath the water and waited.
Still nothing.
Adrenaline suddenly kicked in and within the split of a second, Emma sprang into action. Fear twisted around her stomach so tightly, she couldn't breathe as her hands dove into the water and captured the older woman's shoulders beneath.
"Regina!" she cried hoarsely, yanking the brunette up as tears clouded her eyes.
Then just like that, without warning, the older woman wrapped her fingers around the blonde's arms and she tugged her.
Emma fell into the tub with a splash that erupted into a wave of soapy water. Water gushed over the edge and foamed onto the floor and the blonde sputtered, falling onto the brunette who was laughing hoarsely. She was soaked through immediately. And she was pissed. So pissed, Emma began to cry, falling into the other woman's embrace at first and then weakly trying to fight her way out of those comforting arms.
It wasn't funny. It terrified her so much.
"How could you do that to me?" she cried hoarsely, sitting on the other woman's thighs, tears mixed with water upon her face.
Regina had been laughing. But when she noted how traumatized Emma appeared, her demeanor changed entirely into a look of guilt.
"You just don't make jokes like that!" the blonde captured the lip of the tub and pushed herself up. "What the hell's wrong with you?" she was so hoarse, her lips quivered. And stepping out of the water, she shielded her face with splayed fingers and strode out of the bathroom.
"Emma, wait!"
But she didn't.
The blonde rushed into the guest room and she pushed the door close, tears still streaming down her face. Ripping at her shirt, she almost tore the buttons away from the fabric. Her jeans were peeled off. She batted at her eyes, and felt terrible. Felt so raw. Until her towel was snatched and she angrily began to dab at the damp spots on her skin.
"Emma," Regina knocked on the door, worry laced in her tone.
The blonde glared at the window in front of her and suddenly wanted to leap through it and run as fast as she could. Away from all of it. Away from a woman who obviously found whatever she had done as something funny.
"Emma," the brunette's voice trembled a bit, "I'm sorry! She hammered at the door. Still kept knocking. The doorknob was tried. It rattled. "Oh god," Regina whispered. But the house was so quiet, her words were heard through the wood.
Staying in the room, Emma decided to use the small bathroom attached to it.
x
A/N - Someone asked why the hell Regina is behaving the way she is. I guess some of you might know why. Like Annie who relates to this deeply. A crash kind of really affects someone mentally. We react differently when we hit rock bottom and are trying to climb back up. For those who don't get it as yet, keep reading. It'll all come out during Archie's session with Regina in the next chapter. Her change will shock you. REVIEW!
