CHAPTER 4 - Confidant
"I cannot even ask you what is was that you thought you were doing."
"I am sorry, Father." Sonja replied, kneeling hopelessly before him. She could hardly hear her own voice. All the world's humiliations had combined against her, and her father's own displeasure was above them all, as she had known it would be but had not truly comprehended and felt at full force until this moment.
His eyes were aflame, and unflinching in their gaze. He was on his feet, his hands clenched in a barely subdued fury at his sides. "'I will be more careful', you said. And this is being careful?" he continued slowly, making the sting of it more awful to bear. "You travel to the very borders of the clan's boundaries, with scarce time for return, and then you dawdle."
"Father, I did not mean..."
"This is how you would repay me, my daughter?" Viktor interrupted her, snarling. "You risk your life so foolishly, and then you return as if nothing is the matter? As if your decisions were based on pure intelligence? You are gravely mistaken. Such irresponsibilities can only be answered upon your head."
"I..."
"As your father, I hereby suspend you from traveling beyond the grounds, until you have sufficiently proven yourself trustworthy. Until that time, I pray never to hear of any adventures, mishaps, or carelessness at your hands. Do I make myself understood?"
Sonja found the strength only to look at his feet as she weakly nodded, straining her eyes to keep the warm tears from falling. "Yes, Father." she murmured.
Viktor heaved a sigh and slowly unclenched his fists, gritting his teeth instead. "Go now." he hissed, in a whisper. "I would not see you for the rest of the night."
Sonja quickly stumbled up to her feet, her eyes cast downwards. She gave a quick curtsy and bow of the head then turned to the door and hurried out, escaping into the castle.
"He is upset with me!?" Sonja cried, unable to stop herself, her tearful eyes clouding her vision as she threw herself to her knees, sitting. "It is I who ought to be most shaken, and yet I am the one to be blamed for offense!? Can he not simply be pleased that I have survived!? No! He must remind me of my constant failings. Oh, how I have failed him..." Another sob shook in her throat, which, with difficulty, she kept in. She breathed to slow her tears, sniffing helplessly and wiping the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.
Only then she could bring herself to look at him, ready to hear whatever words he might have to say. In her heart she knew that he would be understanding, that he would desire to help. And she trusted him. She trusted Lucian, and his wisdom. And yet the look on his face was not one of concern.
His eyes were widened in shock and confusion, even. He stared at her as one accosted by a violent stranger would stare. Alarmed, and embarrassed. When she met his eyes, he narrowed his brows, seriousness and disbelief in his face. Quickly he glanced at the faces of those surrounding him, then looked at her once more, wordlessly horrified.
Her eyes seemed to open. The cage. The other Lycans.
"Oh." she mumbled, blinking, all tears vanished at the sight of the other Lycans' intense stares, their minds racing with wonder and curiosity. She had shown them that she was weak... What had she done? How had she not even seen them? "Oh." she mumbled again.
They glanced from her to Lucian, the Lycan intelligence unquestioned as they debated silently why the only daughter of Viktor was distraught and incapacitated before their mere slave eyes, and their very own Lucian...
Sonja threw herself back to her feet, now on edge, and defensive. These were her people's slaves. Her father's and her own slaves. Lucian was one of them. How foolish was she to believe for even the slightest moment that he could ever be anything more? That she could speak with him behind those bars as a trusted and beloved friend?
She drew herself up, gathering her remaining dignity, leaving, never to return. How much shame could she endure for one lifetime? This was enough...
"Son... Lady? Wait..."
His voice was suddenly pleading.
She turned, blinking back returning tears, only to see him now at the front of the cage, his hands gripping the bars as his eyes stared fervently after her. "Lady, I would... I would speak with you." he said quieter, glancing carefully at the listening eyes around him, pulling his shoulders in as if to block them out. "I would... speak with you... if you desire it."
She blinked, wavering. He stared now, unflinching, at her. He held no haughty pride in his gaze, as he had with Magen and the other Vampires - only fear and hope. For an instant her breath caught in her throat, and her heart faltered. "I..." She did want to speak with him. She wanted it... more than anything. "Yes. I..." She glanced around herself, then back at the Lycans' faces, filled with doubt.
Lucian nodded slowly, his eyes glittering with what she could only assume was gladness. He glanced once more at the Lycans around him, then pressed his face closer to the bars, as minutely closer as was possible. "There...There is a place we could meet." he whispered, loud enough for her to hear.
Cautiously she returned to the bars of the cage, stepping back over her retreated path to return to Lucian's side, as he whispered urgently. "During the day." Lucian continued. "There... There is a chapel, adjoining the castle. Your people don't use it." he added, his voice catching in amusement or excitement. "I... I could meet you there...in the morning."
Sonja drew back slightly to stare at him, and then the others, obviously still listening, though they had averted their eyes and pretended otherwise, in polite respect. And Lucian... he bit his lip and watched her face, waiting for a response - a pin to drop.
She sighed quietly and looked at her feet, wondering how everything could have changed so much.
And she nodded, glancing back quietly to his face, then left.
He was right. Her people didn't use the chapel. Sonja had only been in the castle's adjoining chapel once in her lifetime, that she could remember, and that had been by accident. She had been young, hiding and chasing a few friends throughout the castle early one morning, when she had stumbled in, knocking over a cross perched precariously close to the closed door. She had jumped back in fear at the sudden clattering sound and, after a few moments of peering through the door at the dark rows and altar, she had quickly excused herself once more.
Someone must have replaced the cross over the years, because it stood upright once more, dust and spiderwebs gathered on its surface.
She entered the room slowly, on quiet feet, glancing up cautiously at the old ceiling to ascertain that the aging shingles were still able to keep the light out. They were.
The chapel seemed empty, and eerily so. In this place, people had once flocked to worship, and now it was empty, the wood cracking with age and disrepair. The hymns and prayers had faded with those who once were, and yet the holiness of it had not diminished, the echoes of their voices still suspended in the frozen air. And she had broken their silence.
Sonja nearly turned back, that old childhood fear burning in her chest. But she fought it, and stepped forward towards the rows and benches, brushing the dust from one surface absently with her finger as she sat, to wait.
There was a strange churning sensation in her chest, as if she were about to be sick, though that wasn't it. Part of it was fear. She truly knew nothing of Lucian, who could so obviously defeat her if he had half a mind to. But besides that, there was the fear of him, himself. She had never... felt... this way about anyone before. She was uncertain of what such a feeling could do. She felt vulnerable to him, and yet powerful beyond all imaginings because of him.
...And what could be done about that?
There was a quiet knock on the chapel door, that opened to the outside, and Sonja took that as her cue to hide herself from the light as Lucian opened the door. She ducked her head behind the bench she sat on, and covered her face with her hands, for extra protection. "Safe to come in." she muttered quietly, knowing that Lucian's ears would surely pick it up.
She heard the door open and close quickly, and Lucian's breath came from the back of the chapel. "Sonja?" he asked carefully, and the sound of his round, deep voice sent chills rushing through her. "Are you alright?"
"Perfectly fine." she felt herself say as she straightened to look back at him over the bench. He stood there, his arms hanging comfortably at his sides like a statue of perfection. His eyes had finally found their mark on her face, and were lit up, as with a sigh.
"Good." he said, moving slowly towards her and her bench. "I was worried you wouldn't make it. It's good to see you." He sat a few feet from her side, then, his eyes still watching her face intently.
She felt her skin begin to crawl under the intensity of his gaze and so she looked away, embarrassed, towards the front of the chapel, and the alter that stood there. How many times had he entered and offered his sacrifices to his nameless God, she wondered? How many times had he opened his eyes in blind faith and pledged his devotion to that unreachable force? ...Maybe never.
"I feel like such a fool." she said, folding her hands in her lap, bowing her head and staring at her fingers mindlessly. "I must apologize for...for in the cages... I... I should have thought more. That was careless, stupid, and unfeeling of me to barge in and speak with you as if no others were present, completely disregarding your own privacy and situation. I ought to be burned, and..."
"Hey, hey. No." Lucian interrupted, his voice hard and serious. She spared his face another glance, and saw his eyebrows were lowered at her in disapproval. "You must not speak like that." he continued. "You could not have seen what all your life you have been taught not to see. It's... it's difficult to make such changes. It's hard to fight your very nature, whether truth, or not. What matters is the direction your behavior and beliefs are heading. That's all that matters."
He breathed another thoughtful sigh, then chuckled slightly. "And look where you are now!" he laughed, spreading his arms wide. "You're sitting in a chapel, having a conversation with a Lycan. If that's not progression, I don't know what is. You're moving forward. Don't regret the past which has taught you."
Sonja couldn't tear her eyes from his face. He was so confidant, so knowledgeable... And he was sitting beside her, comfortably. He had dissolved the space he had left between them with his words. She wanted him to be directly next to her, close, as his words had been. Those arms resting along the top of the bench needed to be around her shoulders, around her, resting.
Her father would kill her. He would kill him, Lucian. Vampires and Lycans did not speak casually, and never could a Lycan touch her, Viktor's only child, his only daughter. She could not be here...
Lucian could sense some doubt preying on her mind, and he shifted quietly in his seat. "You came to speak with me." he murmured quietly. "Your father..."
Sonja looked back up at him, at the mention of her father, and her eyes were their angry, vibrant, Vampire blue. Lucian inhaled sharply and drew back momentarily, surprised, but quickly soothed his nerves, trying to pretend nothing had happened.
"I..." Sonja muttered, looking back into her lap and blinking quickly to release whatever tension it was she was feeling, from her eyes. "I just... he was mad at me, and I... I don't understand what... what I'm supposed to do..."
"He... doesn't approve of your actions?" Lucian ventured, careful to be soft in his words, not wanting to upset her greater than she obviously already was.
Sonja forced a laugh. "'Doesn't approve of my actions' is putting it mildly." She sniffed stubbornly and shook her head to herself. "He thinks that my many mishaps are somehow intentional, and he takes their occurrences as a personal attack on his role as father. He thinks perhaps I misrepresent him to the rest of the clan. I am not sure."
Lucian listened carefully to her words, waiting for a hint in her phrasing, perhaps some gesture that would tell him if he were safe. She continued her stories, and he listened, trying to pay attention through his mind's wandering. All he could think of was her, and how much danger would be in store for him, loving her. Her elegance, her innocence, all of it was overwhelming. She was a danger, and he felt the cliff-diver, for nothing would stop him now.
"Does your father know about me?" he asked, as Sonja finished another story of her father's critiquing.
Sonja looked up from her lap towards him once more, her eyes tight with confused thought, and her cheeks wet from a few drying tears. "He... knows that a Lycan protected me during the day time..."
Lucian shook his head. "No. I mean... Your father. Does he know that you are here, now, speaking with me?" He waited for her response, knowing her answer, but not her reaction to her secret of him.
Sonja blinked slowly and shifted, saying nothing.
Lucian could not help himself. She looked so afraid and confused, so delicate before him thinking of her own considered betrayal of her people. He moved towards her, filling the space on the bench that he had originally left between them as he sat right beside her, putting his hands in his lap and bowing his head, as she thought, wishing only to be by her side, to be her comfort.
Sonja covered her face in her hands, then quickly removed them, rubbing her eyes absently. "He does not know." she said finally. "He... He would not approve of me speaking with you, so he cannot know."
So she was willing to risk the danger. She had turned her face forward again, to stare at the chapel's altar, deep in her own thoughts.
Lucian didn't know what was going to happen, or even what he wished could happen. He only felt, being beside her, that this was where he belonged. Whatever obstacles lay in waiting, he would find the way, or he would have no reason to go on.
Sonja had rested her hands on her knees, twisting, nervously, the folds of her dress in her fingers. She let her breaths came deeply, to reassure herself, as her hands shook with a confused emotion. Those trembling, cold hands...
He felt his own hand reach out and grasp hers, secure and gentle, without thinking. Only after he had done it did it register, and yet he would not let go. He was willing...
She turned her face to him quickly, startled at the touch, no doubt. Her eyes were hard and red from tears. They were empty, with nothing more to cry. He flinched at the emptiness found there, yet still did not let go. Her hand in his... If he could only keep her hand in his...
She turned her gaze away from him once more, her hand still lying lifeless beneath his. "Can I see you tomorrow?" she asked suddenly, her voice emotionless.
"Yes." Lucian whispered, sincere.
Sonja nodded to herself slowly, still thinking.
But then she squeezed his hand back, ever so slightly.
