A/N: nope, fooled you, it's not Garrus! This chapter wasn't proofread so my sincerest apologies for any errors that you might encounter. And, of course, enjoy and please review! :)


He was awaiting her arrival. He had asked her to come see him, but hadn't told her why. Knowing her, however, it wouldn't take long before she'd get here. She always wanted to know what was going on with her crew. Always ready to help out.

The door slid open and Shepard came striding into the room. She came to a halt right in front of him and measured him with her emerald eyes.

"Battlemaster," Grunt acknowledged.

"Grunt." Shepard said with a nod. The krogan looked miserable, quite like he had when he needed to go through his rite of passage. The redhead gave a smirk and leaned back against the wall, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"So, what's eating at you, Grunt? Another rite of passage you need to go through? Should I call the thresher maw hotline and have one freshly delivered to the Normandy? Maybe with some varren sauce to the side?" She snickered at her own joke.

At any other moment Grunt would have stomped his massive feet in excitement at the mention of the gigantic worm-beasts that were thresher maws. This time, he only shook is big head and gave a sigh. "No, Shepard. It's not blood frenzy. It's...something else. Something Okeer didn't imprint on me in the tank. I don't understand it."

Shepard frowned, suddenly serious. "What is it that's bothering you then?"

The krogan walked over to one of the storage crates in his room and took the single datapad that was lying on top of it. The device looked tiny in his huge claws. For a second, Shepard wondered if he could even operate the thing, but he seemed to have no problems with it. He tapped the screen a few times and then practically shoved it into Shepard's face. A vid started playing.

Shepard's eyes went wide with shock. The vid showed a naked asari doing unimaginable things to an equally naked krogan. She watched in horror for twenty seconds, unable to speak or move or even think, and then pushed the datapad away. She looked at him in horror. The krogan understood her implicit message and closed the vid.

"You called me down here to show me porn?!" Shepard asked incredulously. "What did you actually just show me?"

Grunt shrugged. "Fornax Special Spotlight. The Krogan Edition. It's got asari in it."

"Yeah, that was kinda hard to miss."

Grunt shrugged again. He put the datapad back on the crate and shot Shepard an innocent look. "I like the asari," he stated simply.

"Join the club. Everybody likes the asari," came Shepard's reply. She still couldn't believe Grunt had showed her that. Granted, she had known that he'd downloaded some conspicuous vids; Liara's archives on the Shadow Broker ship had told her as much. Shepard remembered snickering when she had gone through those archives and had seen that Grunt had looked up something as innocent as dinosaurs on the extranet first, and had then proceeded to download Vaenia.

"So why did you show me this?" Shepard asked, snapping out of her reverie.

"I need your advice on something. I know how to mate - Okeer gave me those imprints - but I never thought much of it. I am pure krogan. I have more right to mate than any other krogan. But there is something...else. Shepard, can you explain romantic feelings to me?"

Shepard blinked in surprise. She looked around the room, trying to think of an excuse to get the hell out. Giving romantic advice to a krogan? That was just too much. The Illusive Man had not put this in her job description. Then again, she wasn't exactly doing what the Illusive Man wanted, anyway. So that was no excuse. But come on,advising a krogan on matters of romance?!

The Commander scratched the back of her head and gave a nervous laugh. "Um. Is this serious? You're not playing some kind of joke on me, right?"

Grunt looked thoroughly miserable as he shook his head. Shepard immediately felt sorry for him. "I'm sorry, Grunt. You just overwhelmed me with that question. I suppose I can try to help. Though I'm not good at these things myself."

Grunt stomped his foot once to show his appreciation for the Commander's willingness to help him out yet again. He clasped his claws together and took a step closer to Shepard. "But you have a mate! Makes sense to me, but how did you do that if you say you are bad at it?" He was silent for a second, apparently thinking things over. "Did she send you a breeding request?"

He was actually being serious.

Shepard couldn't help but laugh. She only half believed that this was happening. As she was shaking with laughter, a stray strand of red hair wriggled loose from her bun. She tucked it behind her ear and settled her eyes on the poor krogan. "No, Grunt. That's not how it works with humans. Though it would make things easier, I suppose."

The krogan seemed genuinely confused. "Other species don't use breeding requests?" he asked silently.

Shepard shook her head again as she answered his question. "I believe the salarians employ somewhat of a similar system with their arranged marriages, but to my knowledge that's about it. Don't tell me you like someone of a different species than your own?"

Grunt seemed taken aback a bit. He had always appreciated his battlemaster's wit, but he thought he had hidden his true interests quite well. Then again, krogan weren't awfully intelligent by nature. Even the superior krogan that was Grunt wasn't the brightest. He looked at Shepard and nodded slowly. Shepard's eyes widened.

"Who?" she asked.

"Samara."

To say that Shepard's jaw dropped in astonishment would be an understatement. If it could have hit the floor, it would have. The Commander unconsciously took a step back and stared at Grunt. She was at a loss for words and only managed to utter a few completely unintelligible sounds.

"So I shouldn't send her a breeding request?" Grunt asked.

"N-n-noooooo..." Shepard spluttered, still wide-eyed. A mental image of Grunt undressing Samara started to form and she had to push it away firmly before she'd be rendered completely speechless. She blinked.

"Grunt...um, I don't know if this is a good idea?" Shepard had meant to simply state it, but it came out as a question. The krogan shrugged.

"But I like her. She's pretty. And she's tough, battlemaster. You are the toughest on this ship, but you are my battlemaster. She is almost as dangerous as you are. She is perfect for mating," he replied.

The Commander needed a minute to process all of this. So Grunt saw Samara as second toughest on the Normandy when it came to mating possibilities. That was quite...rational.

"Sounds calculating to me. That doesn't mean you necessarily have feelings for her, Grunt."

If krogan could blush then Grunt would be blushing right now. He gazed at the floor and shifted his massive feet uncomfortably. He actually looked quite adorable.

"I didn't tell you everything, battlemaster. The way she talks, and moves, and just looks at the rest of the crew, it reminds me of...a predator. A magnificent predator. I want us to hunt together when this is over. I...she...I like her, Shepard," he mumbled at the floor.

The only thing going through Shepard's mind right now was 'holy crap'. She had found herself at a loss for words too often, for her taste, during this conversation. She wanted to help Grunt, but she just didn't think Samara would feel the same way about him. The Code always came first, and besides the both of them had already talked about romance. The asari had let slip that she was intrigued by Shepard and that she hadn't thought she was still capable of such feelings. But nothing had come from it - Shepard was completely devoted to Miranda. And Samara said she didn't want to get involved with anyone right now anyway. But it wasn't Shepard's place to tell Grunt that, she reflected. She took a deep breath and stepped closer to the krogan, gently lifting his enormous head with both her hands.

"Grunt. Look. There is no reason for you to be ashamed. I want to help you, I'm just not sure whether I am the right person to advise you in this. Samara is tough, you're right, but she's gotta have a soft side. You should appeal to that, I think."

Grunt seemed to consider her words for a moment. Then, suddenly, his eyes went wide and he stomped his feet furiously. "I have an idea!" he bellowed. With that, he charged off to the elevator, leaving a baffled Shepard behind.


The Commander chose to remain in the krogan's room until his return. She was very curious about the idea that had made him run off with such speed. Most of all, she wanted to know what had come of it. She sat down on one of the storage crates and waited.

Looking up at the ceiling, she called out to the starship's AI. "EDI?"

A fraction of a second passed before the AI responded. "How may I be of assistance, Commander?"

"Can you monitor Starboard Observation for me, please?" Shepard asked.

"Could you specify the parameters, Commander?"

"Just any notable readings of the crew that's currently in there. Can you tell me if anything's out of the ordinary?"

"Scanning." This time the pause lasted a second. "My readings show that there are two crew members currently in Starboard Observation. One is the asari, Samara, and the other is the krogan, Grunt. My readings show increased heart rates and adrenaline levels on the krogan. The asari shows a slightly higher heart rate, but it's hardly significant." EDI delivered her report in a monotonous voice.

Shepard thanked the AI and reflected on the report. If only one of them was showing higher readings than usual, then at least they weren't fighting. Or having intercourse. She didn't know which of the two she actually preferred. She couldn't puzzle out what was going on up there, however. Could Samara be this unfazed by Grunt's confession? She decided to go check it out to be sure that none of them would get harmed. Before she could leave, however, the door flew open and Grunt came thundering in. He looked furious and miserable at the same time. He swept past Shepard and charged the window with full force. The glass cracked, an inch from breaking. Grunt braced himself for another charge.

"Grunt! Stop that! That's an order!" Shepard barked. She didn't want him crashing down on the next level. Luckily, the krogan responded. He hit his tank with one fist instead, damaging it beyond repair. His posture then seemed to sag as he turned towards Shepard and looked at her sadly.

"What happened?" the Commander asked.

"I took your advice. I appealed to her soft side. She doesn't have one," came his resigned reply.

"What did you do, exactly? You stormed out of here before we could discuss your strategy!" Shepard exclaimed.

The krogan eyed her before answering. He then placed his claws in front of his chest and took a deep breath. "Oh, Blue Rose of Illium, let your roots dig deep into the hot soil of Tuchanka. Let our scorching sun and sheeting rain turn your supple beauty into strength. For if our love is to survive, it must grow thorns to pierce the hand of any that would uproot it!" Despite his sadness he still managed to deliver the poem with passion. Shepard could only imagine how he'd recited it in front of the justicar.

The Commander stared at him incredulously. "You did that?!" She slapped her face with one hand.

"What's wrong with it?" Grunt asked, visibly confused.

Shepard shook her head. "Grunt. You recited a poem that you heard while we were on Illium. Another krogan's poem."

"Yes. So?"

The Commander sighed. "Do you remember who we were with when we heard Charr recite that poem?"

"Yes, Samara. Why?"

Shepard slapped herself again. "How on Ear-Tuchanka, could you think that reciting a poem she's already heard and of which she knows is not your own would be a good idea?" she asked in a high-pitched voice.

"You told me to appeal to her soft side! I did! What does it matter that it's not my poem or that she's heard it already?" the tank-born retorted. At any other given moment Shepard would have smiled at his naivety.

"Because she knows it's not original! She probably thought you were making fun of her!"

The krogan threw his arms up in resignation. "I don't understand any of this. A soft side is for weak-skulled hatchlings, anyway. She's got quads. So I thought maybe she doesn't have a soft side."

Shepard frowned, unwilling to argue about whether or not Samara had a soft side. "So what did you do next?" She wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer to her question, not after hearing what Grunt had deduced from her advice in the first place. See? She shouldn't give anyone romantic advice. Bad things came from it. Now she was stuck with a sad krogan and, most probably, an angry asari. She had seen Liara angry before and Samara was a thousand times scarier. Shepard made a mental note to avoid the justicar for the next couple of days.

"I told her she should at least fight me. Let me prove that I'm superior to any other krogan. I was sure that my strength would convince her to mate with me," the krogan replied.

It just got worse and worse. Shepard shook her head yet again. Miranda would've probably dealt with this matter a lot more effectively. Hell, even Kelly would've managed to sort this out. They could probably even have avoided any material damage to the ship. Shepard was a commander, and Grunt's battlemaster, not some love councilor. She sighed.

"So what happened...?"

Grunt snarled. He hit his already ruined tank with his fist again. "She didn't want to fight me. Said that if she'd fight me she'd also have to kill me. Something about her Code. She didn't even grant me the honor to prove my strength!" he answered, humiliated.

"Ouch," Shepard said. "I can see why that hurts your feelings, Grunt. But don't worry, there's plenty of other fish in the sea."

Grunt shot her a confused look. "I don't want fish. What would I do with fish?"

"No, it's a matter of speech, it means that - oh, never mind. Just don't beat yourself up over it."

"Why would I beat myself up?" the krogan asked, even more confused.

"Never mind! Let it go! You'll find another mate, that's what I tried to get through your thick skull!" Shepard exclaimed. Sometimes it was damn hard to talk to Grunt. She always seemed to forget that he was still unfamiliar with many idioms. Those hadn't exactly been Okeer's first priority to imprint on his tank-born, obviously.

Grunt seemed to consider that for a moment. "Will you mate with me?" he then asked.

Shepard was in shock. Did he just ask her that? Seriously? She swallowed, not knowing how to respond. She didn't want to hurt his feelings even more, but she definitely didn't want to say yes either of course. Miranda would flay both of them alive. And obviously she simply didn't want to mate with Grunt.

Grunt flashed his sharp teeth in a grin and punched Shepard in the shoulder. "I was kidding, battlemaster. I'm over it. If she doesn't want to mate with a pure krogan, then this pure krogan will find someone else. Someone worthy to mate with."

Shepard grimaced and rubbed her now throbbing shoulder. She was relieved that his question hadn't been a serious one, but there was no need to punch her. Without armor on, that actually hurt. Even with her heavy skin weave upgrades. She scowled at him.

"Good to hear. Though next time you think of punching me like that, be prepared to fight me and get your quads kicked, krantt or no krantt," she warned. Grunt clashed his fists together in appreciation and nodded.

"It will be an honor, battlemaster. Do you want to watch the rest of the Fornax vid together?"

Shepard fled the room faster than EDI could compute pi.