Warning: THIS filler episode you are about to view may cause extreme mental discomfort and is not limited to epileptic seizures, lung failure, and kidney disease. Reader discretion is advised. That is, if you like that sort of thing...

The Kingdom Hearts Diaries

Episode two: Senseless Destruction

Chapter 1: Boredom and Entertainment

It was a rainy, cold, and downright boring day, and the fog was rolling in from nowhere in particular. Kairi had used her portion of the company safe money to buy herself a penthouse, complete with furniture, at the top of a hotel in New York City. (Which she grudgingly allowed Sora and Riku houseroom...) But as of now, they were watching the rain splash against the dirty windows of the living room causing mud to get in. Well, Sora and Riku were anyway. Kairi was trying to call every single person in the world on her cell phone. Why? Because she found it deeply satisfying to insult and threaten people on the phone until they either hung up, or hung themselves. Usually they resorted to the second option, she was so horrible, which is exactly why people in the world die every second or so. Anyway, she was just finishing calling every person available inside of a nearby Mc Donald's, which is where our story picks up.

"Get a real job while you're at it! Oh, and by the way, I'll be back to kill all of you at 5 'o clocktonight. Whoever feeds me the best food gets to die last!" said Kairi as she hung up. (No offense to said restaurant's employees...) "Ah… That was refreshing." She said as she crossed out another name on her hit list. But even then, she was only a quarter of a way through that one directory. And there were about sixty of them scattered around the room, contents strewn everywhere. At that moment, Sora and Riku walked into the room. Riku did anyway as Sora finally tripped over his freakishly large clown shoes. (Yes folks, it finally happened!) As if that wasn't enough, Sora started to lick the carpet. "Ugh… Kairi, stop him!" said Riku in a disgusted tone. Kairi growled like a rabid dog at the sound of his voice. She slammed down her pen and telephone directory. "No! I did it last time!" said Kairi from the sofa. "And besides, you mentally retarded people should stick together… Well, now that I think about it, Sora's too stupid to even classify as retarded anymore. Such a shame... for a while I actually... liked him..." Tears filled her eyes for just a moment as she remembered the times when she was nice, and Sora liked her. Why had things changed? Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? But the darkness inside her killed off those feelings instantly. She shrugged and went back to calling people. While her good side was once again put to sleep, imprisoned until it could gain more willpower. (Whoa, super special awesome plot twist.)

By the end of the day, Kairi had called an impressive 1683 people, half of which were found dead or mentally destroyed by the next day. "Wow, 1683! That's a new best for me." said Kairi as she was looking through the obituaries in the local newspaper. At that moment, the door to the stairwell leading down into the hotel opened. Kairi didn't need to see who it was to recognize the stench of loserdom."So, did you and Sora finish spending your share of the company safe money?" she asked Riku coolly. Riku had just come through the front door to find Kairi laying down on the sofa, Newspaper in hand. Riku put down the shopping that he had been carrying. "We spent it all on these new cell phones!" said Riku. "And look! We got you one too!" Riku pulled out a shiny pink cell phone. Kairi glared at Riku. "You bought me a pink phone? A PINK PHONE?" She glared even more intensely, causing the lights to flicker on and off.Riku yelped in pain as the cell phone burst into flames in his hand. Immediately, it stopped. "There,"Kairi said flatly. "problem solved."He whimpered as the remaining charred plastic shell fell onto the carpet to smolder into ash. He placed his hands into his pockets and stared at the floor, hoping that it would be enough to evade Kairi's gaze. "I demand black." said Kairi simply. Riku suddenly smiled as if nothing had happened. "Good! Because I brought a spare!" he said gleefully. He handed her the black cell phone that had been in his pocket. Kairi took it, looking over it's features carefully,and read the inscription on its black battery door. Golden lettering glinted back at her gaze."Time Squad? What sort of loser service is this?" she said scornfully."I even bet that it gets bad reception inside of grocery stores." Riku sat down beside her on the sofa, trying to ignore the feeling of fire gnawing at his insides that occured when anyone got to close to her, and said; "Actually, it gets reception in just about any place! I even held it behind Sora's head! If anything gets through the head of this guy, its gotta be good." Kairi stared down at the shiny black phone. "Well… okay, I'll take it, but only because it got reception behind Sora's head! My old phone could never do that!" she placed it in her pocket. "Well, time to dispose of my old one then." She pulled her old phone out of the pocket of the jeans she had been wearing and pressed several buttons, throwing it out the livingroomwindow when she had finished. It flew into the open window of the building next to theirs. And without a second glance, Kairi sat on the sofa again as the building next to theirs exploded with the force of a small bomb. (In case you haven't noticed,Kairi just doesn't care about anyone oranything...)"By the way, do any of you guys know who keeps saying that?" said Kairi, looking up at the ceiling oddly. "What? I don't hear anything." said Riku, looking up with her. "That!" said Kairi with a sudden madness in her voice. "See? There it goes again!" Riku looked around the hotel room. "Nothing." He said quietly, wondering whether or not to call the asylum. "Ugh! That! Someone is Narrating us! And he's starting to make me look bad!" she said as she stormed out of the room with a face that looked as pink as a pig's skin tone. She went all the way down to the lobby of the hotel building and out the front door looking uglier and uglier with her face contorted in rage. Sora and Riku watched from the window as Kairi stood in the wet andslightly muddyroad, still visible by the streetlamps that had been on all day because of the black cloud cover. She pulled out a .57 caliber pistol and fired three shots into the- UGH! ...sky..."Gotcha! I knew that the only way there could be any extra dialogue was if there was a narrator! And I was right!"

Here is where things get rather confusing...(Due to the fact that the following is almost impossible to explain without a narrator, we will just show you the script already.) Scene: Narrator falls out of the sky to an almost certain death. Kairi: Uh oh. I just thought that if he doesn't survive, there will be an inqueryat my house. And even thenI sure hope he doesn't sue, because even Sora and Riku's money couldn't pay for everything, and besides, I don't want to spend any of my own. Well, best not let him die, for the sake of my money. Scene: Narrator stops in midair and lands gently. Kairi uses theDark Forces to stop him from falling.Kairi sees his face. Kairi: Roxas! What the heck are you doing here? Roxas: That's… a good… question…I was narrating... you...because it was my job...Kairi: Oh just tell me the truthor I'll shoot you a few more times! Who put you up to it? Was it my Arch Nemesis? Roxas: Please no! It hurts too much! Okay! I was your narrator from the start! Nobody put me up to it... and ... besides... you don't get an ... Arch Nemesis... until episode... six...Kairi: Ugh. I knew someone was watching us when we were sniping all those tourists yesterday afternoon! Roxas: What?... (Cough, cough)I never saw that! Kairi: Well you should've been there!I'm so proud!I killed 23 tourists with one shot! Riku: Kairi cheated. She launched her frag grenade through the window of a gift shop. Kairi: It's still a record. Anyway, if you were there all along… does that mean that you know my secret?… Roxas: Absolutely not! Unless you're referring to the time you were high and drunk at the same time. Kairi: Not that time, but I guess that means you don't know. Good,so don't say anything about that part either, or you will feel pain no bullet in the universe could dish out. Roxas: Sorry I said anything... (Cough, cough)Geez. Kairi: Anyway, can we please go back to regular story format? Roxas: Sure, why not?... I'm as good as... fired anyway. I'll call the substitute... narrator. Scene ends.