Chapter 4
Days passed trivially as they all did their best to cope with the loss of their brightest ball of energy that kept their family thriving. Jasper seemed to become numb to everything. Nothing interested him anymore. Not baseball, not reading or writing or music. He didn't even enjoy his hunting trips anymore – he simply fed and returned home. No strategies or struggles that always highlighted his trips. There was no point anymore.
"Carlisle?" Jasper knocked on the door of his study as he stepped in solemnly.
"Hello," he said as he stacked up some paper work he had been filling out and set it aside. He leaned forward and gestured to the chair that faced him just across the desk.
Jasper looked at the ground for a few moments, but Carlisle waited patiently. He knew his son would gather the strength if he gave him enough time and space.
"I…" He looked up at his adoptive father. "I don't feel anything anymore. She… she was my reason for existing."
"I know, Jasper. She held special places in all of our souls unparalleled by nothing but that of our true loves."
"She is my true love, Carlisle. Even in her absence, I love her still. I can't live for eternity this way, and I can never love another the same way."
"Loss is difficult, I know. But you don't have to go through this alone. We all lost her, and we are all willing to be there for you just as we are attempting to be there for each other."
"What's the point? Carlisle, it's all I can do not to throw myself into the hands of the Volturi or some other savage of our kind… just to make this pain go away. This emptiness."
"Jasper, please don't think that way. We all love you dearly – there are still things to live for in this world. In time, you may find another person that satiates your emptiness just enough to keep you happy. Even if the joy is gone forever, happiness is worth it. Not to mention it would shatter Esme's world if you did."
"I know it would. I just don't know if I'm this strong, Carlisle. I'm practically stone, but my mind… it's fragile. I'm afraid of what would happen if I were to break – permanently."
Carlisle stood and came around to sit against the end of his desk. "I have faith in you, my son. You have endured a substantial number of trials in your lifespan – don't let yourself be defeated now."
Jasper thought for a moment, and he stood up to leave. "Jasper," he called. He turned to face the doctor. "Promise me you will try. I'll help you."
He nodded and left the room.
Over the next few weeks, he seemed to return to partial normalcy. He tried his best to enjoy the hunting trips, and he participated blankly in their games and activities. He looked forward to the day that he would begin his freshman year at a local university at summer's end. It was something to break up the monotony of summer – being a vampire that has nothing to do takes its toll on one's attention span.
His enthusiasm was still missing, even behind his smile and laughter. He put forth all he had to continue to enjoy his life, but there was a vacuum inside of his soul that kept pulling him further and further away from his family, and it was a struggle that he was not fairing too well in.
"Come in, Jasper." Edward put down his book and paused the CD he had in his stereo as he heard Jasper approach his bedroom door.
"Hey. Do you have a minute?"
"Jasper, I'm immortal. Of course, I've got a minute."
"Very funny."
Edward laughed and closed the door. "Yeah, of course. Come on in."
Jasper sighed and put his head in his hands as he took a seat on the 'bed.'
"How are you holding up?"
He looked out the window and shook his head, his gaze falling upon his feet for lack of better purpose. "Not good, Ed. I'm going through the motions, but everything is so…" He searched for a good word to fit the description.
"Empty? Pointless? Altogether unimportant?"
He laughed to himself and looked out the window. "Yeah. To a 't', actually."
Edward sat down next to his brother. "I know what it feels like, that emptiness. When I thought Bella was gone for good…" He began to revisit a mental state he hadn't known in five or six years, a mindset that very much coincided with Jasper's present state of being. He looked at the floor and kneaded the air between his hands as he recalled the pain he had felt when he'd seen the vision of the cliffs in Alice's head. "I wasn't well. You remember the whole thing – I was moments away from throwing myself into the hands of the Volturi. I didn't want to exist anymore."
"Edward, I know I'm putting on a good show of recovery, but every day the battle to stay 'alive', if you will, gets more and more menacing. I'm losing terribly. I don't know how to lose battles… I don't know how much longer I can go on this way."
Edward turned to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Jazz, I was stupid and selfish. I almost cost this coven its existence. Not to mention, I hurt many people that I love."
"But what's the point, Edward? Your love wasn't actually dead."
At this, Edward pulled his hand back to his own personal space. "I know. But that saying – 'hindsight is better than foresight' – it has an incredible amount of sense to its reputation. I nearly crushed Esme with that stunt – and I didn't even go through with it."
Jasper paused, processing this viewpoint. He hadn't thought of that aspect of the situation. They all loved him, too, no matter how new his membership in this family was. Was it worth putting them all through that pain twice? Was that worth this torture that he couldn't escape, a torture that he would endure for an eternity?
Edward processed Jasper's thoughts, trying to gauge his present chosen path. "I can't tell you if it's worth it, for I haven't lived through a situation like this. I can only tell you of the guilt that racked me for months after I returned to Forks. This family… it's an intricately woven system, you know. We can't let it unravel completely, Jasper."
Jasper stood and paced to the wall and put a hand out to lean on. He continued to stare out the window as he spoke. "I know it's selfish, Edward, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. I'm not a selfless person."
"Jasper, of course you are selfless. You didn't succeed the way you did in the military through selfishness and laziness and cowardice. I don't know if you're aware of how much I respect the trials you have overcome in your time."
Jasper felt a touched smile twitch at the corner of his lips. "Thank you, Edward."
"Promise me that you'll try – think about what Carlisle told you, about finding someone. You don't need to love her like you did Alice. You can't – but it's worth finding some sort of happiness, isn't it? Something meaningful to live for?"
Jasper considered the option. He couldn't imagine showing affection to somebody after losing her. He loved her so much, they shared everything. Still, the thought of being able to find at the very least a substantial level of peace and happiness greatly trumped the appeal of suicide. It was definitely something to at least think about for a while.
He headed to the door and opened it, but Edward stood. Even though he had heard Jasper considering the option, he needed to keep him to some form of accountability. He needed to hear it physically come out of his mouth. "Jasper."
He turned to face Edward and put on the best masque smile he had grown so accustomed to. "I promise. I will try." He started out again, but turned around one last time. "Thank you, Edward."
"Anytime." He smiled at him and watched the door close. Despite the promise he pulled out of his brother, he couldn't shake the feeling that Jasper was still a bomb standing stagnate, waiting to be ignited. God help him. God help us all if he goes off…
