It was early morning when Jane woke up, trembling and sweating. Her first instinct was to reach for her baggy of cocaine that was lying next to her on the ground, but when she went to pour a line of the substance that would end those unpleasant symptoms, she remembered what happened the night before.
She got up and went to the bathroom to flush what she had left of her preferred drug. Maura had left the love of her life for her. She couldn't believe it; this had to be a dream.
She stood in front of her bathroom mirror and took a look at herself for the first time in a month. She looked horrible. How could Maura leave her only chance at real happiness for a mess like her?
"What the fuck am I doing?" she asked herself in a raspy, sleep-laden voice.
"I think I have a good idea about what you're doing, but the real question is what are you going to do now?" Jane jumped back a couple of feet and took a defensive stance when she heard the voice coming from the bathroom door. In all her thinking, she hadn't heard anyone come in her apartment; she really was out of it.
"Dammit Maura; you scared the shit out of me." She brought her left hand to her heart to emphasize that her heart was beating fast.
"Language, Jane." The doctor said that as she approached the brunette slowly, taking in her physical state.
"How are you feeling this morning?" the way she asked that, Jane knew the hidden meaning to her question: 'Are you high?'
"I flushed all that was left and now I feel shaky, weak and nauseous. Thanks for asking." She still kept her distance from the blonde, not wanting tempt herself with touching her. She was going to do the right thing here and she needed to be in full control of her capacities for that.
"You should call Ian, Maur. You made a mistake yesterday. I'm too much of a fuck up to make you happy or take care of you. Hell, I can't even take care of myself. Maybe the Jane you knew a while back was a good match for you, but I'm not the same as I was. I'm weak, broken. I'm not saying that to have you pity me, I'm saying that so you realize that you'd be much better off with Ian." During her rant, she kept eye contact with the doctor even though hers were full of tears. She finally had the woman she'd loved for more than 4 years and now she was pushing her away because of the stupid choices she'd made.
But it was the right thing to do, wasn't it?
Maura stepped forward into Jane's personal space; she needed to touch her, to comfort her. With the detective backed up against the wall, it was easy for her to get to her and when she did, she enveloped her in her arms and they slid to the floor, their backs on the wall. The Italian let her head fall on her best friend's shoulder and let herself cry. She cried for what could have been, she cried for the pain she'd caused her best friend, she cried because she'd just pushed the love of her life away, she just cried until she didn't have any tears left in her.
When the detective's sobbing lightened a bit, the doctor decided it was time that she answered her.
"You are not broken Jane. This is just a bump in the road. You are a great person and you will get over this. WE will get over this. I don't need Ian to make me happy Jane, having you around, in any capacity be it best friend or more, is enough. I love you so much and I couldn't just leave you like this, without trying. There are options, therapies that can help you. I researched them last night when I went back home. You got clean once, you can do it again and you'll have me to help this time." By the end of her speech, the Italian a started crying again, but not from sorrow. She knew she had to stop using and fast.
They sat like that for what seemed like hours before Maura got up to make some lunch for Jane and her. When she looked in the kitchen for something to make, what she saw made her heart ache. No wonder her friend had lost so much weight. Not just the drugs, but there was nothing to eat in her apartment apart from a small cube of mouldy cheese and three olives in the bottom of a jar. She told Jane she would be back in a few minutes, that she was just headed out to get some food and then left for the corner store not far from the detective's apartment.
When she got back, she was surprised to see that Jane was sitting at a stool in the kitchen, not on the couch or lying down in her room.
"Not that I'm complaining, but why are you sitting there? Wouldn't you prefer to be on the couch or somewhere more comfortable than a barstool? You must be feeling a great deal of pain right now and I would have imagined you would have wanted to be more comfortable."
While she was putting away the couple of groceries she'd bought, she heard Jane mumble an answer.
"I know, and I am in a lot of pain by the way so don't think I'm here because I'm not, I just want to be closer to you is all."
They stayed in relative silence while Maura was making lunch. At first, the doctor had wanted to include her best friend in the preparations since she was there anyways, but stopped asking for help when Jane had dropped the thing she asked to be passed for the third time because of the shakiness she felt. The only thing breaking the silence was the sound of the bacon cooking for the BLTs and the knife slicing the vegetables. All that time the detective watched the blonde work with a semi-blank stare. She was thinking about what she was going to do about her situation.
When they sat down to eat, she decided that she wanted to spare her love the painful days of withdrawal ahead and that the doctor didn't deserve to see her at her worst. She remembered what it was like the first time in rehab, she could only imagine what it would be like outside of a facility. If she was going to do this, she would do it the most painless way for the people around her and the most efficient way. She knew the blonde wouldn't like her being away for a while, but it was a necessary evil.
"Look Maur, I kind of made a decision about what I'll be doing to get through this."
At those words, the doctor put her sandwich down and dedicated her full attention to Jane.
"I-uh… I want to spare you the unnecessary pain of dealing with me through this. I know you think you want to help me, and you'll still be helping me don't worry about that, but you don't want to be around me during this time. I remember the first time and it wasn't pretty. It's not so bad right now, but in a couple of hours it'll be hell on earth. I'll go to a rehab facility, whichever one I can afford and get better and after that we can see where you want 'us' to go. I already have the first step done, admitting I have a problem. I hope it'll go faster than last time, at least this time I'll have something, someone to fight for. I'll pack my stuff after lunch and start researching facilities and tell you the contact information. I'll also call Lieutenant Cavanaugh, god I hope I don't lose my job over this, and I'll tell you when I'm leaving."
Maura just sat there silent while Jane was talking and when she was done, she got up to go get her purse and pull out a couple of information pamphlets. She laid them on the table for the detective to browse through.
"I told you I'd researched some treatments yesterday. You won't need to worry about the cost; I'll take care of it. Chose the one you would prefer, they're all highly regarded, and don't worry about the rest. Lieutenant Cavanaugh is already advised that you will be on indefinite medical leave, and I will deal with your mother when the time comes. I want you to get better Jane. I want there to be an 'us' sooner rather than later."
"I'd like to say I can't accept you paying for this, but I probably couldn't even afford the cheapest one. I'll repay you every penny though, don't worry about that. As for my mother, I'll give her a call before leaving; you shouldn't have to deal with all of the repercussions of my actions."
She became teary eyed again and at that, she got angry at herself. She raised a shaky hand to wipe her eyes.
"Why the fuck do I keep crying today ugh!"
"Because you're experiencing symptoms of depression. You're also displaying signs of shakiness, weakness and pain. They'll go away soon, don't worry."
The rehab facility picked, her bags packed and all of her arrangements taken care of, she got into Maura's car, on their way to the location where Jane would take some time to get better for her and especially for her best friend, the love of her life. The car ride wasn't that long as the center was in Boston and it was filled with a comfortable silence. When they got there, Maura let Jane leave, even though it was hard, after a long and comfortable embrace.
This would be a hard time for both of them, but they would both be winners in the outcome.
A/N: I just don't think that someone can overcome addiction while still being surrounded by "temptation" if you want to call it that so I wanted to make it easier on both the ladies by sending Jane to a rehab facility. To answer some of you angry Guest Reviewers, I don't think that addiction defines a person. So for those of you saying "Jane doesn't deserve Maura" the fact that Jane has a weakness doesn't take away all the good qualities she has. If you're reading a Rizzles fanfiction, I guess you like the relationship so I don't think that your opinion should change because of drug abuse, but then again it is your opinion and I cannot know your motivations behind those thoughts. & for you who said that it is out of character, I agree it is a bit out of character, but I don't think it would be that far fetched. Anyone can succumb to addiction, even the best of us so I wouldn't exclude any of our ladies from that. Anyways, thank you all for the feedback and I hope I didn't disappoint to badly with the last chapter.
