Unknown Feelings
I woke up from a dream that had me questioning my sanity, and my true feelings. It was a dream I had never had before, filling my head with thoughts I dared not to think, but this time it was inevitable. For some reason, her very presence put me on edge, and made me feel so, strange. I was 18 years old, the only thoughts that normally filled my head were of my father and his unfair conditions about the Holy Orders, my family and their well-being, the occasional woman to bed, and precious Lucrezia, but now, she seemed more than precious to me, she seemed, perfect.
Every moment I saw her, I wanted to touch her, but I stayed away, afraid of what I might end up doing, afraid of scaring her. I tried hard to avoid her, but failed due to the fact that without her near, I began to miss her. After I dressed, I walked out to the sparring hall, hoping to get her out of my mind for a bit. As I began to "fight" I forgot about Lucrezia, and focused on my abilities in combat, and how life could have been if I were in armor and not in cloth. Finally at peace, I smiled at the thought of commanding the Papal Army, something I had always longed for; yes, I thought out every plan to gain allies as I practiced with Juan's teacher, and I was enjoying every bit of it.
"Cesare, I thought I might never find you" spoke an angelic voice, Lucrezia. I turned, too sick to move, every thought, every feeling came rushing back in those seconds that she spoke.
"Lucrezia" was all I could manage, but she stepped closer to me, I stepped away from her.
"Cesare, why are you avoiding me?" her pale blue eyes looked sad, what could I tell her? She mustn't know the truth.
"I am not avoiding you, I am just sparring as you see" it wasn't a very good answer, but at least it might convince her.
"Yes, I see, but why have you not greeted me once this past week? And even now you seem distant." Lucrezia's tone changed, seeming melancholy. I struggled to answer her, not wanting to make her cry.
"I've been busy with my work Lucrezia, father is shoving it down my throat and I'm afraid that leaves me with little time for you." I turned, not wanting to look any further into her big blue eyes.
"I know that you've been occupied with work, but could you spare some time to spend with me?" Her eyes appeared sad, and her tone was pleading. I had to leave; with my thoughts I couldn't stand to look at her.
"No, forgive me, but I have no time for you now Lucrezia, so please, leave me." My words were harsh but she would not leave if they weren't.
"But Cesare, you told me that you never wanted me to leave you. You said that you loved me too much to let-" I cut her off before she could finish.
"That was long ago Lucrezia, things have changed. So please, leave." I couldn't believe the words that left my mouth. Never had I been so cruel to her, never had I wanted to make her so sad. Lucrezia looked into my eyes, tears beginning to race down her cheeks. Her hand touched my sleeve, but I pushed it away, no longer looking at her. I kept my eyes on my sword as Lucrezia ran out of the room, although she was far now, I could still hear her cries.
I dropped my sword and went to my chambers, I was to get ready for a meeting with father; he wanted to discuss future plans involving father's Papal orders. As I slipped on my robes, I thought about Lucrezia, and then the feelings came back. Somehow, I found my sister to be more than a young girl, and that scared me.
"Now, Cesare, when I am to become Pope, I believe it would be fitting if I were to appoint you as Cardinal Borgia, how does that sound?" a grin swept across my father's face, his hazel eyes began to twinkle. As much as he liked it, his idea was less than satisfying to me.
"Well it's an idea father, and I'm sure you intend to go through with it no matter what" I said, adding a sarcastic smile.
"You know me well son, and it's settled, I shall be Pope Borgia and you shall stand beside me as Cardinal Borgia." Just as father was chanting with joy, Juan came in the room, a malicious grin on his face.
"Father, Cesare, what might you two be discussing?" Juan was always annoying to me, but more than usual this time.
"Ahh Juan, we were just discussing some plans, but nothing that concerns you at the moment, but worry not, you will get your turn." Father laughed, urging Juan to sit and tell about his own duties.
"Yes of course father, and I'm not worrying at all, I know I shall make a great soldier, and everything will come out in your favor." Juan said, making sure to smile at me as well.
"Yes, yes, bless the Lord, I have such wonderful sons, you two shall do great things for this family, I know it. Now I shall be on my way, I have business elsewhere." Father chanted, standing up and leaving us alone.
"Tell me Cesare, where is our dear sister? I have not seen her today and I'm beginning to worry." Juan lied through his teeth, yes, he loved her, but much less than I or anyone else in the family.
"I'm afraid her whereabouts is a mystery to me" I answered, not wanting to start a conversation about her now.
"Strange, you always seem to know where she is brother, I am in awe that for once you do not" Juan spat, giving a smile.
"Juan, please do not start this with me, I have not seen her and I apologize if comes as a surprise to you. But please excuse me, I'm going to bed." I wanted nothing more than to leave Juan alone once more.
"I am not starting anything brother, I just wish to know if you still have forbidden feelings for sweet Lucrezia. For such a thing is quite unhealthy, and no good for the family." Juan growled, keeping his fake smile.
"Whatever feelings you speak of, I do not know. I love Lucrezia because she is my sister, my family, and there was and is nothing wrong with showing her my affection, now excuse me." I stood and exited the room, heading to my own.
"No matter what you say I shall keep my suspicions. You are years old Cesare, and the fact that you still smother our sister is quite unsettling." That was the last I heard from him as I continued to my room. 'He annoys me so much' I thought, I walked faster now, wanting to get away from the world until just around the corner, I saw a glimpse of blonde curls. But before I could turn away, I walked into her, her face nestled in my chest. I quickly backed away,
"Forgive me my love, I did not mean to walk into you-" Lucrezia stopped me and began talking herself.
"I thought that I was no longer your love, that you no longer wanted me near you…" she began to cry, soaking her face with tears. I could lie to her no longer, she was my dear sister and she deserved to know the truth. I took her hand and led her to my room, closing the door behind her. I turned to face my sister, her wet face was pink. I held her hands in mine and spoke,
"Lucrezia, you are my love, you'll always be my love, and I do want you to stay with me, but that is not how this world works, you shall marry someone, and i shall stay with God. We will have lives away from each other, but you will still be my love, always." I smiled, hoping my words would lift her spirits. Lucrezia smiled back, no longer crying.
"And even after I marry, you will still be my love, always." She grinned, looking into my eyes.
"Yes, and I shall not avoid you any longer, no, I will make sure you are with me at all times" I joked, making her laugh.
"I am very happy Cesare, but why did you avoid me?" her blues eyes seemed so big in that moment.
"I, I felt strange around you, and honestly began to have thoughts of an impossible love, one that I cannot explain." I was honest, hoping not to scare her. Lucrezia placed a hand on my cheek, stroking it with her thumb.
"An impossible love with me Cesare?" she stared through me, giving me a sense of fear.
"Yes" was all I could say, feeling ashamed of my thoughts.
"Cesare, do you wish to touch me?" now she seemed scared, but her hand was still on my cheek.
"I don't know. I suppose, but it's wrong, and I will not, ever."
"I am not afraid of you Cesare, you are my brother, and my love, but you cannot touch me, such a love is forbidden. But even so, if it were anyone, I would want it to be you." Her words were driving me mad, I didn't understand, all of it was so confusing to me, but at the same time, so satisfying. Lucrezia let go of my hand and left my room, leaving me with my unknown feelings.
