This sure was a MONSTER to write. Haha, get it? hahahahahaha*criesss*

Disclaimer: I. D. O. N. T. O. W. N. T. H. I. S.


Momo's period of denial lasted longer than his and kaa-san's, to say the least. It was as if she hadn't heard Shintaro the first time.

"Where's tou-san?" she would ask over their first silent, fast-food dinner, eyeing the empty fourth chair.

Kaa-san's mouth would clam up even tighter than it was already, and Shintaro was never able to fully unhinge his jaw to say the word 'gone' again, nevermind the word "dead."

"Away, Momo. He's away."

"Oh, but he's coming back soon right?"

No, he's not. Not that Shintaro ever said it.

For weeks and weeks later, Momo kept herself wrapped in her stubborn disbelief. "Tou-san's sure taking his time on this trip. I hope he brings us some nice things when he comes home. I can't wait!"

If Momo noticed how both her brother and mother grew even more silent as she cheerfully said those words (practically to herself), she didn't show it. Even during the funeral (which was mostly done in spirit, as they were never able to find his body, no matter how many times kaa-san begged the authorities to search when spring arrived), Momo continued to cling to life before the day they both fell in the pond and only one came out again.

"Why's everyone so sad? Tou-san's coming back home soon, you'll see! There's no need to cry; he wants us to be happy all the time. And he definitely doesn't like wearing ugly black clothes, like we are. He hates the colour black! He likes red, remember?"

They remembered. It was hard to forget when every time you walked across the living room you would inevitably see a red scarf sitting right upon the fireplace mantle in full view.

It hurt Shintaro to look at it - is this my fault? When tou-san gave me the lucky scarf, did I take his luck away from him? Is that why this happened? There has to be an explanation.

It hurt their mother even more. In the first couple of weeks without their father, she could barely get through a single day without varying degrees of wet eyes, to the point that Shintaro took it upon himself to stay at her side whenever she crossed the fireplace just so he'd be ready to kneel down and pat her back should she crumple to her knees in anguish.

Pat, pat. "It's okay, kaa-san." Pat. "It's okay," he'd say softly as she cried, using his other hand to smudge away his own tears.

Of course, the logical thing would be to remove it, to stash it away in a small box somewhere, out of sight and out of mind. Definitely... except that even the thought of doing that hurt ten times more than looking at it.

Wouldn't that be like removing him forever? Forgetting about him? Making it so that he's really gone? Shintaro would think frantically, his chest hurting so bad that he wanted to throw up. So the scarf stayed on the mantle, and was touched by no one, Momo included, and they all just found other ways of getting through the house other than the living room.

Once content and normal, their lives were now forlorn and strange. In the wake of tou-san's permanent absence, it was only natural for their money to start thinning out. In response, kaa-san took on a second job. And then a third. Shintaro finally got angry enough to put his foot down when he caught her browsing the papers for a fourth.

"You won't be home at all anymore, you're barely home at all now... are you trying to leave us too?"

"...I'm sorry."

She ended up keeping the fourth, and even though it was only a part-time job, Shintaro felt even more like a full-time failure.

Both of the siblings were often left alone at home. Sometimes an uncle or an aunt or an older cousin from either paternal or maternal sides would come to look after them out of familial sympathy. Though more often or not no one was available. They had lives of their own too, of course.

Kisaragi-obaa had already died several years ago, so she too was very unavailable. While their father had smiled through his mother's death, Shintaro had seen the invisible tears which had been shed out of his children's view. During that time, his father's strength through their loss had made Shintaro want to become stronger as well. In the present, however, the memory only made him feel disappointed in himself and his inability to do just that.

(He hoped that wherever his father and grandmother were now, they were there together.)

It had been quite hard for them to get through their obaa-san's death in itself. Coupled with tou-san's, everything seemed completely impossible. The school counselors had suggested that some repressed memories from obaa-san's passing were returning now, which was why he was feeling so lost and hopeless and that dealing with them again might help him out now. Shintaro only ever nodded along and agreed with what they said, lying as he promised that he would take their advice.

While he truly wasn't ungrateful at all the sympathy he was receiving... honestly, he really would rather be completing math problems from a blackboard than be pulled to the guidance room nearly every class. It was much easier to keep a blank mind and not cry when mindlessly pressing pencil to paper.

If anything, Momo was the one who would benefit from counsel. It was starting to scare Shintaro, the way she would politely deny any and all attempts from the adults to lend her support. There were many times when she had more or less gleefully screamed at classmates that no, my tou-san's not dead, he's just away for a while, thank you so much! when they had tried to comfort her. She denied anyone who reached out, her delusion turning from vigorous to explosive.

It was as if no one could reach his sister anymore; nobody could cross the wall she had built. Kaa-san was hardly ever present, physically and mentally to really even be living in the same house as them, and Shintaro could barely keep his own thunderous grief and self-blame in check each day. Still, he was the big brother and hard as it might be, he still tried. Tried and failed to no surprise. Whenever he was able to force his sadness down and try to speak to her seriously about the day tou-san drowned, he was never able to get more than five words in.

"Momo about, the... the incident-"

"HEY ONII-CHAN! Look at this new picture I drew! Isn't it nice? You said you liked them remember? Look LOOK LOOK!"

By then his resolve usually sputtered out; he would clam up and resign himself to look at whatever drawing it was. Whether they were flowers, animals, food, (never bodies of water of any kind), they were definitely becoming more and more red-colored, almost desperately so. Shintaro made sure to swallow down the pain each time, and each time again when Momo would ask for more red crayons after rubbing her old ones to stubs.

He never declined to give them to her, though. He never refused to look at the drawings. To indulge in her every delusional desire. It was almost as if he couldn't refuse, as if his whole mind screamed at him to pay constant attention to his little sister, lest she disappear to where tou-san was. The possibility was scary enough to wake him up at night screaming, contrasted to when he simply woke up crying.

To quell this admittedly irrational fear, he gave generous amounts of attention to his sister constantly, although kaa-san did her best too whenever she had a minute to spare. It almost became obsessive in his case. It was a simple, simple routine:

He would try to help, try to confront her about everything.

She would direct the attention to something else.

His eyes would start seeing impossible things such as Momo's own eyes turning different colors.

Then his insides would start feeling twisted and sick if he wasn't looking at her.

He would then drop the topic and go along with whatever she wanted.

...

It was a strange, strange routine. Disturbing even. Almost... supernatural.

Shintaro had fallen out of his chair the first time he looked into Momo's eyes and realized that, yes, yes they really were red and not just his messed up, red-centered imagination playing cruel tricks on him.

Any doctor they asked about his sister's eyes could find no answer, other than it perhaps being a defect caused by the near-drowning experience. (Kaa-san had yelled at one of them for at least an hour after they had suggested to let Momo stay with them for further testing. Shintaro yelled at them in his head as well; Momo was not going to be some scientist's little experiment.) But even Shintaro, as supportive as he tried to be, as much as he had hugged her during these awful visits to the doctors, couldn't help but wonder too.

Truly, there must be an explanation for all of this? Not just her eyes, but everything right? Why had this all happened? Why did tou-san have to die? Why did they have to go through this?

Why them? Why his sister? Why his father?

Why?

WHY?

WHY?

Shintaro wished he could just stop thinking about everything. Wished he could be like how tou-san was; able to smile in the wake of sadness. Wished he wasn't himself, the sad, little him who cried in the wake of sadness.

Perhaps it wasn't so concerning nor disturbing that Momo had convinced herself that nothing was wrong as long as she ignored it. It was the closest thing to tou-san they had left.

Momo's right, maybe.

It was for this reason that he let his sister draw until the crayons snapped under her frantic fingers, let her head fill up with fragile illusions of happiness that had been lost a long time ago, and surrendered into the strange command she gave off for constant attention. Anything to keep her happy for just a little longer.

If we keep saying that everything's fine, maybe we'll be fine too.

Yet, whenever he looked into her eyes whenever they weren't black like his and kaa-san's eyes, Shintaro remembered that it was just another way the color red, a color which should have meant luck but instead meant blood and death, had forced its way into their lives.


Happy, superficial, crumbling bubbles of delusion had to pop someday of course, no matter how hard you tried to keep them intact and afloat.

And sometimes, they popped rather destructively.


They had been going home from another bleak day at school when Shintaro had first noticed it. Momo's head drooped as they walked to the bus stop. Her shoulders sagged, and her feet weren't merrily kicking pebbles, but nearly shaking under her weight. What's wrong? Shintaro thought as he checked his watch to make sure they were still on the bus schedule. She had been bubbly this morning when he had dropped her off at her classroom, all the way to when they had played together during the last recess.

What had transpired from then to now that had upset her so? A bad grade maybe? He was beginning to slack off in their makeshift tutoring lessons, he supposed. Perhaps her teacher didn't like her latest red butterfly picture? Using only one color every time probably did get old after a while. Bullies? He hoped for Momo's classmate's sake that it wasn't the case; he could feel wrath bubbling in his veins just by thinking about it.

Or maybe it was something else. He felt his stomach drop just a bit. Could it be... did she finally come to her senses about the incident..?

"Onii-chan," Momo said emotionlessly just as he was about to ask the dreaded question. "Come on, the bus is here."

"Oh! Right, right, let's go." I'll ask her the moment we get home, he thought as they stepped on. They picked a seat close to the front. He let Momo take the window view, and she gazed out distantly behind her bangs. Shintaro was relieved that her eyes weren't red. It seemed that Momo's weird attention-abilities weren't restricted just to their little broken family. Other people were often affected too, often to the point that the siblings had to actively seek isolated spaces just to have a moment's peace from it all. Shintaro had never been one to make trouble or stand up for himself that much, but all of the pestering Momo received from both kids and adults alike was annoying enough to make him want to throw rocks at them. It ate at him inside to think about the times where he wasn't there to help her with it.

Thankfully, this time both the bus ride and the consequent walk to their house were quiet and uneventful, Momo still strangely silent and Shintaro too wrapped in his own wonderings to try and make small talk. Walking slowly up the driveway, they entered the house without bothering to call out to kaa-san. Once again, her car wasn't in the driveway even though she had promised to be home already.

I'll have to make dinner for us again, Shintaro lamented. Wish we had some red beans left. Oh well, cup noodles it is. But first... "Momo, is everything alright? You seem kind of down today. Did something happen at school?" he asked while putting away his backpack and shoes. He turned around to face his-

"..."

-sobbing sister, who had hardly taken any steps into the house and had crumpled all the way down to her knees, head in her hands.

Shintaro nearly tripped over a rug as he scrambled to her side. "Something did happen! Momo please tell me what it was!"

"I-it, it was... nothin'... onii-chan," she hiccuped between her fingers.

"It was something, Momo! Please tell me so I can help you!" He urged frantically, trying to hold onto her shoulders without shaking them.

"I-I said nothing-"

"Momo," Shintaro tried raising his voice just a bit like kaa-san did when she was still their normal, strict kaa-san.

It seemed to work, Momo stopped heaving and sank her watery, definitely red eyes into her brother's determined black ones. They were unneeded, though. His focus would've been on her no matter what.

"...It... it's just... before it was time to go home... another girl. She just, just noticed me even when I was trying to get outside. She started saying things about tou-san... asking mean questions..."

Her chest was wracked with another series of sobs, and Shintaro felt his hands go numb, too useless to say or do anything to comfort her. So it was a bully after all. He felt bile build in his heart.

"A-a-and then! I tried to be nice, like how you would want but she was saying so many mean things I got angry and pushed her down-!" Momo was very much yell-stuttering into her older brother's tear-soaked shirt. After countless seconds she calmed down her volume and movements, but the tears only increased flow.

"And you know what..." she squeaked out, barely above a whisper. "When I tried to say sorry, she, she... she..."

She wiggled just a bit, up to Shintaro's ear. "She called me a monster, 'cause my eyes turned red right at that moment."

Momo let go of him and shrunk down, her head touching the floor. Shintaro was left gaping in utter disbelief at the situation. It past quickly, though, and he started seething in anger instead.

"Listen to me Momo! You are not a monster! Sure, it was bad that you pushed her, but she also shouldn't have said those things, especially to you and about tou-san. Don't talk to her again. Tell kaa-san later. Your teacher even!"

He tried to calm himself a little; it was impossible to comfort a person in rage. Tenderly he pulled her in closer. "I'm sorry, Momo. Don't think that anything she said was true okay? Nothing she said was true or good."

"But don't you see onee-chan..." Momo's voice came out small and broken. "She's right. I am a monster."

"No, she's not. I told you-"

"I'm not stupid, onee-chan. I know. I was trying so hard to pretend, b-but I know. Tou-san's not coming back. He-he's never going to."

His little sister slowly, shakily brought herself up enough to look enough to gaze up at her big brother again. Shintaro's worst fear (well second, the worst had already happened) had been fulfilled. Her eyes were free of any false hope. They were just like their mother's. Perhaps even his.

Dead and bleak and empty.

"It's because I almost drowned isn't it?" It sounded much more like a statement than a question. "It's because of that, that kaa-san's so cold now. It's why she's always away. Why she hates me now."

Horror griped Shintaro by the throat. "Y-you're wrong! Of course kaa-san still loves you. You're her daughter, she'd never hate you. She's just, well, just busier now is all. It's no one's fault at all."

Momo shook her head in despair, scattering fresh new tears. "Then why isn't she at home with us anymore!? Why are you so sad all the time too? You hate me too don't you?"

Before he could immediately say no, no, no, no, no! I could never hate you, she continued, not caring that she was swallowing the salt flowing from her eyes.

"Because." Deep breath. She seemed to struggle to inhale. Her next words came out without a single stammer. "Because I'm the reason tou-san's dead! I killed him! Only monsters kill people! Only things like that are cursed with scary eyes! So, that must mean I'm a monster right? The monster who killed tou-san."

Everything went silent. Momo stood up, hate and disgust for herself etched into her features, ready to run outside and stay out there forever. The only thing that stopped her was her brother's ironing hold on her hand. She sniffled with pleading red orbs. "Please let go onii-chan... please let me go. You would be better off without a monster that could kill you too."

Shintaro barely registered her words. All he could think of was how. How, how, how how-how could he fix this? Was this even fixable? He didn't know.

Wasn't this supposed to happen? Wasn't it good that Momo was finally expressing her grief? He still didn't know.

Kaa-san would be able to handle this (no, she wouldn't.)

Things would be okay if he said they would be okay (no, they wouldn't.)

He really had no idea what else to do (or maybe he did. But he probably didn't.)

Tou-san, Shintaro thought desperately. Tou-san what do I do? What would you do?

I wish you were here.

(You're not.)

"Momo, I, I... I, uh...um I-!"

While his mouth blubbered on looking for anything to say, the corner of his eye spotted something. Something crimson.

"..."

Eyeing the red scarf still hanging on the cold, unlit fireplace, it was if a memory suddenly burst from the deepest backdoor in his mind.

"You're our eldest child, Shin," rang out the glowing, angelic voice of his father in his ear. It was as if he was right next to him. As if it really was that day when he had been six, just after he had tripped and scraped his knee. Tou-san had brought him out for ice cream to make him feel better.

"So you have to stay strong. Take care of your sister and even us if we need it. Just try to smile always, be kind and understanding, and everything will be fine."

"Alright, tou-san!"

...alright. Alright. I'll try tou-san. I'll try to be like you, even if I'm me.

Taking in a gulp of breath, Shintaro stood up on barely strong enough legs. Facing his younger sister with a renewed strength in his eyes, he squeezed her hand and pulled her deeper into the house, shutting the door distinctly. It didn't garner too much protest from her, thankfully.

Stopping right in front of the fireplace, Shintaro decided to address their problem head-on, like he should have a long time again. "You're wrong, Momo. So wrong. Tou-san... tou-sn is dead, I know, and we can't do anything about it. We're all having a really hard time and I'm not sure if we'll ever be okay again. But never, never, ever, ever blame yourself. This was not your fault at all, so you'll never be a monster. Kaa-san and I don't hate you, not even the tiniest bit."

His face reflected in Momo's wide red orbs, her tears falling slower. He looked almost grown up.

"But, but... it was me who fell in the pond. If I hadn't, if I could have swum better, then tou-san-"

"He saved you!" Shintaro exhorted and wrapped his arms around her. "No matter what might have happened or could have happened, he saved you so you could live on and be happy, not to blame yourself. He saved you because he was our father. Because he was a hero."

Instants passed and Shintaro felt only a few droplets hit his back. He took it as a sign that it was okay to pull away. Momo turned her gaze to the scarlet muffler peering at them on top of the mantle. "A hero..." she echoed.

Yes, Shintaro mused with a sad sort of smile. "That means that red is the color of a hero, you know. Not of a monster, because it was his favorite." On his toes, he pulled it down and clutched the yarn in his hands for the first time in months.

"Who knows. Maybe.. maybe that's why you have red eyes, Mo." Widening his sad smile, he passed the scarf into her own smaller hands. "Because maybe it's a gift from our father, not a curse. Maybe it's your turn to be the hero."

Momo gawked at him, less and less out of confusion and more and more out of wonder. "Really?"

"Yeah. Well, that's what I want to think at least."

She gazed down at the bright red warmth she was holding. "What about you, onii-chan? Can you be a hero as well?"

"Hmm, maybe. We won't know unless my eyes turn red, too." Probably not, though.

"Huh. Oh, wait! I have an idea." Before he could protest, Momo quickly looped the scarf around her brother's neck. "Now we're both heroes!"

"Uh, o-okay?" he asked uncertain and uncomfortable, his neck feeling way too familiarly scratchy all too soon. "You sure? Don't you want it more-?"

Smiling sadly as well, Momo pointed up to her face and blinked her matching set of eyes. "I already have red."

That was enough reason for him. "Alright."

The edges of her mouth inched up just a bit before she pressed her forehead into his scarf-covered neck. At last, her eyes were normal, black, and sad all over again.

"I miss him. I miss him so much. I'm sorry, Shintaro onii-chan, kaa-san, tou-san, I'm sorry."

"I know, I know. Me too, every day. I'm so sorry."

Shintaro looked down at the rose-colored yarn. It still felt wrong to wear, but maybe he would grow to tolerate the wrong feeling if it let his sister smile for real even just a little. Embraced did they stay until their mom got home. As they felt her arms cradle them both, it was one step closer to feeling whole again.

Perhaps it was just tearful imagination, but for just one moment, they each could have sworn they felt another pair of arms around them too.