Chapter 4

"What is it?" He asked, worried. Severide knew that she was taking Shay's death hard, but he knew she had Casey. He didn't have the ability to take care of anyone right now.

"Severide, I'm so sorry. It was my fault that Shay died."

"Oh Dawson. No, it wasn't your fault."

"It was!" She screamed. "You don't understand. We switched places."

"What do you mean?"

"I just wanted her to get used to doing things on her own. She was supposed to be the new PIC. I told her to start rescue breaths!" She paused as she wiped the tears off her face.

"We switched places so she could help the patient. That's when the beam came down."

She saw his face, his eyes. They were filled with so much emotion. Misery, sadness, and anger.

"What? So the beam hit Shay right after you switched?"

"Yes. Severide, I'm so sorry." She tried to grab his hand, but he pulled away.

"You're sorry? If you had just stayed in the same spot for 20 more seconds Shay would still be here! My best friend... The most important part of my life was ripped away from me, and it... It would have never happened if you weren't making her prove herself!"

"I just wanted her to know that she didn't need me! I wasn't making her prove herself."

"She looked up to you, Dawson. You were supposed to be her friend. Help her."

"I know, Kelly. I wish more than anything I could go back. She was my best friend, too."

"Just leave me alone, Dawson. Okay? We don't have to act like we like each other anymore. Shay's gone so we can stop pretending." And with that he grabbed his bag that was in the living room and left. Dawson dissolved into a puddle of tears on the floor.

"Shay," she yelled. "It should have been me!"

Casey awoke to Dawson and Severide yelling and then heard the door slam. He got out of bed and walked into the living room to find Dawson crying. He sat down on the couch and pulled her into his arms.

"Tell me what happened."

She pulled away from him and told him the story about switching places with Shay. Every time she talked about it it felt like someone was ripping her heart out.

Casey stroked Dawson's hair and then rubbed her back. "It was an accident. A terrible accident, but Shay wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

"I would give anything... I just want my friend back."

"I know," he said, pulling her into his arms again.

"Will you go find Severide?" She asked. "I'm worried about him."

He nodded. "He's pushing everyone away, and that's not what he needs. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine."

Casey drove around Chicago trying to find his friend. He went to all the bars Severide frequently visited, but no luck. He went to the firehouse. He hadn't been there either. He went to the last place he could think of, but it was a long shot.

He drove to the house that Shay and Severide had shared, and sure enough, he was sitting on the porch. Casey's heart sank when he saw him. Severide looked so broken and so lost without his other half.

"Kelly," he said, taking a seat next to him, "Why are you here? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Go away, Casey."

"No, I'm not going away. Being here isn't what you need. Come home with me."

"I don't have a home anymore. It's gone. Shay's gone."

"I know that you feel that way-"

He stood up, and walked away from the other lieutenant, anger starting to build up inside him. "Do you? Do you know how I feel? Because from where I'm standing you still have everything. You still have your girl. Did she tell you they switched places? If they hadn't, she would still be here!"

"Don't do this, Kelly. What happened in that building was terrible, but it wasn't anyone's fault."

"Of course you think that! You're glad that Dawson and Shay switched places. Because now you're going to get married and have the perfect life. Shay doesn't get to have that! She doesn't get a happy ending because she died! Casey, she's dead, and I don't know what to do."

He was starting to break down again, but he refused to let Casey help him. He was the last person Severide wanted to around right then. When Casey tried to reach out, he pulled away. He got in his truck and drove away. He guessed he would just spend the rest of the night at the firehouse until it was time for his shift.

During the shift, Casey spent most of his time in his office. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Herrmann could sense that something was off so he went to see if he could help.

"Hey, Casey, is everything okay?"

"No," he said, running his hand down his face.

"Anything I can do to help?"

"I just don't know what to do about Severide. Last night, Gabby told Severide and me about the day the building exploded. Gabby and Shay switched places right before the beam fell."

"Oh God," Herrmann said. "Let me guess, Dawson's feeling really guilty?"

"Yeah. And Severide was so angry. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't want my help. He said it all worked out for me because I still have Dawson. And you know what? He's right. I still have her, and I'm so grateful."

"Casey, it's okay to be happy that Dawson's fine. We all miss Shay, but it doesn't mean you can't be happy."

"I just wish I could help Kelly."

"I think he just needs time. You're being a good friend, Casey. And if you need to talk, I'm always here."

"Thanks, Herrmann."

After shift ended, Casey told Dawson he had something to take care of and he would meet her at the house later. He ended up at the cemetery to visit Shay's grave.

"Hey Shay," he said, tracing her name on the headstone. "You know, I don't think I ever gave you enough credit while you were here. You took such good care of Severide and Dawson. I'm trying, Shay, I am, but I'm not doing a very good job. The only thing they really want is you, and I can't give them that. I promise I'll keep trying to take care of them, but I need help. Especially with Kelly. He's miserable, and he misses you so much. We all miss you down here."

He placed his hand on her grace one last time before heading home. "We all still love you, Shay."