A/N's: Thanks to everyone for the awesome reviews. I can't believe this story has already been hit 300 times in less than a day. I love feedback, in fact, I thrive on it. I like to know what the audience thinks. This story is centered around the fact that Derek was indeed livid that Meredith had been sent home after sustaining a head injury from an explosion. Derek's a neurosurgeon and I like to think he knows what he's talking about.
Derek Sheppard was not a praying man. It wasn't that he didn't believe in God, it was just more that he believed in medicine more. Never once in career had he been frightened over performing a surgery. This was no ordinary surgery though. This was a surgery to cut open the skull of the woman he loved more than his own life. How could anyone not be frightened about doing that?
He knew the risks behind this surgery. It was one he had performed a million times. He knew it was like a coin toss up. He also knew that she could wake up and not be his Meredith anymore. She could wake up and not be able to practice medicine ever again. Hell, she could wake up and not remember who he was.
Can't think like that Sheppard. She's going to wake up and she's going to be just fine. Then, you can spend the rest of your life trying to make up for the pain you caused her.
He'd thought about the time he had wasted. Time that he was with Addison that should have been time with her. His tiny, brilliant, beautiful Meredith with her tiny , inneffectual fists. He couldn't pin point the exact time in which he fell in love with her. He was pretty sure it was after their first surgery together. It was then he realized her passion as a doctor. Oh, he had known her passion as a woman. Her passion for medicine and for life had been astounding.
Meredith wouldn't want him to doubt himself. No, she believed in him as a surgeon. Now, all he had to do was prove her right.
She hadn't meant to fall asleep. In fact, she didn't even remember falling asleep. Izzy had been checking on her every five minutes making sure she didn't fall asleep. Now, all Meredith wanted to do was wake up. Her head hurt and her eyes felt heavy. Like sandbags. She knew she was in the hospital. What she didn't know was how she got there. Izzy had gone downstairs to answer the door...and after that she had no clue.
She wanted to scream, do something, anything to let them know she was alright. Yet, her body was just too tired and her head hurt too much. Alone, with her thoughts Meredith thought about the only thing that brought her comfort.
Derek.
She was fairly certain she had heard his voice earlier. She could have been dreaming, but she knew she had heard it. Was he there with her? Was he her doctor? Meredith didn't know the answer to either one of those questions, but the thought of him being her doctor brought her comfort. Derek was the best at what he did and she knew that if anybody could fix her, it would be him. She was pretty sure she needed fixing very badly. Otherwise she'd be able to wake up, right?
Loving that man was one of the best and worst things Meredith has ever done. He drives her crazy and sometimes she wants to strangle him. Other times she wants nothing more than to lose herself in his arms. The one place she has always felt safest. She recalls that day in the closest when he helped her to calm down and she had cried in his arms, confiding her fear that she didn't want her mother to die alone.
She remembered the way he looked at her and how she had been so sure he was going to kiss her. It was wrong, because he was still married and he hadn't chose her, but in that moment Meredith had just wanted to forget about all that, because she loved him and she wanted to draw comfort from him. Rational thinking however had won out and she had high tailed it out of the closest, leaving him alone.
There was one thing Meredith did know for a fact though.
He won't let me die.
As he prepared himself for surgery, Derek did his best to not let his fear show. He'd heard the whispers all morning from the staff, questioning his judgment and ability to perform this surgery. It annoyed him. Did they honestly expect him to let someone else do this surgery? He shook his head as he scrubbed in. His eyes stayed focused on Meredith's small form on that operating table.
I'm going to get the chance to make all of this up to you, Meri. I swear it.
Twenty minutes later, he tried not to think about the fact it was Meredith's brain he was operating on. Couldn't think about it. Wouldn't think about it. He needed to do something, anything to keep himself focused on the task at hand. Cristina's words came back to him from earlier.
She had a feeling she was going to die and all she could think about was that she couldn't remember the last time you had kissed, when you were still happy.
Without thinking, Derek opened his mouth and begin to speak, forgetting about everyone else around him.
" It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole in the back of the neck. You just washed your hair, smelled like some kind of . . . flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later. Then you leaned into me, put your hand on my chest . . . and then you kissed me. Soft . . . quick, it was kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper, and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed , " he told her as if she were wide awake and able to hear him.
Behind her scrub mask, Cristina Yang smiled. Everyone else looked confused, but she knew exactly what was going on.
Surgery was successful and Derek still wasn't sure how he had managed to her or himself that matter through it. There had been no complications during surgery and all that was left to do now was to wait. Wait for her to wake up. Derek hated waiting, wasn't really even a patient man by nature. Yet, here he found himself by her bedside again, holding her hand and talking to her about the things that didn't really even matter. He wasn't sure who he was trying to help. Himself or her. Didn't matter either way really.
Addison had stopped by earlier in the day to bring him a change of clothes and a few things he might need from home. They hadn't talked much at all, but Addison had delivered the divorce papers with his clothes and handed them to him with a watery smile. He felt bad, but at the same time, he knew they were making the right decision. If any one thing had become clearer than glass to him during this whole thing was that Meredith was who he wanted to be with. More than anything. Which is why he kept vigil by her beside until she woke up.
Of course he had to be asleep when it happened.
It took great effort to open her eyes, but she almost wanted to dance with joy when she did. Never again did she want to fall asleep. Nope, you could get enough sleep when you died and Meredith knew she had come close enough to dying for her liking. She attempted to move her hand, but quickly found she couldn't. She panicked, but only for a moment. There was something, or someone for that matter, laying on her hand.
Derek.
Her head still hurt, but a small smile touched her lips. He didn't even stir until she tried to extract her hand from his. His head found a comfortable spot to rest in again and she thought he had fallen back asleep. Her mind kept repeating the words he said to her while they were in the operating room. How had he known about the kiss thing? She certainly hadn't said anything about it to anyone, except her roommates. Meredith put two and two together. Deciding to let him sleep a little while longer, Meredith ran her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes again.
"Lavender. My hair smelled like Lavender from my conditioner ," Meredith whispered before drifting back asleep.
