Chapter 4
The following day, walking around in skinny pants style trousers and a wide man shirt, Tomoyo had to admit she felt more comfortable. The male clothing was less restrictive than the dresses and corsets otherwise provided by her host. She only mourned not having more underwear, as she now had to resort to binding her breasts in order to preserve her only undergarments. Singing softly, she moved through the halls, for once no camera in tow, simply content to wander around and relax. She had chosen not to think about her rescue. Sakura would come to her when it would be time. There was no question her friend would find and save her. She could only wait and sit tight in the mean time. A slight chill went up her spine for no apparent reason. While the mansion was a somewhat drafty home, it was not cold in any way.
Dismissing it, she made her way to the kitchen. Clow stood his back to her, various ingredients and kitchen utensils covering all surfaces. Smiling like a cat that ate the cream, she made her way towards the unaware man, trying to keep the sound of her footsteps as quiet as possible. She could only hope he was engrossed into cooking and would not hear her approach. She had been unable to startle him as of yet, but he took great pleasure in surprising her whenever an occasion presented itself.
Feeling a surge of excitement, the black-haired woman closed in to her prey, her hands now inches from his back.
Victory.
Tomoyo yelped as Clow turned towards her in a flurry of robes, smiling like the cat who ate the canary AND the cream. Laughing softly, he closed the space between them, forcing her to take a step back and trapping her against the island in the middle of the kitchen.
"Now now, little one, what were you thinking of doing?" She felt a pout starting to form on her lips but quickly bit back the impulse, having been taught very young not to resort to such childish antics.
"I was merely coming to see you, Clow-sama." Clow tsked at her, leaning into her personal space and bringing a hand up to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear.
"Really now?" Slightly flustered at the closeness of her attractive host, she leant back, nodding silently and smiling politely. The blue-eyed man smiled wider, his eyes darkening as he regarded her silently in return. Within a few moments, he invaded her personal space, strands of his hair brushing her cheek as his mouth moved closer to her ear. Feeling his warm breath caress the skin of her neck, Tomoyo bit back a gasp, pleasurable sensations coursing through her body. The feeling was also heady, close to flying. A tingling erupted in her belly as he spoke into her ear, his lips brushing the shell very lightly.
"Let me tell you a secret, To-mo-yo." The girl nodded dumbly, gripping the counter behind her hard enough to conjure whitened knuckles, struggling to remain calm and show an unaffected front.
"I can see the future." Brushing his lips on the lobe of her ear one last time, he pulled back slightly to stare into her eyes. Brushing his knuckles lightly on her jaw, his gaze softened as he noticed her glazed look and how she leaned into the touch innocently. Pulling back reluctantly from her, he gave her the space needed for her to leave the kitchen. Slightly dazed from the encounter, Tomoyo backed away from the kitchen, keeping her eyes locked in with Clow's. With each heartbeat, it seemed to her as her body was lurching forwards, reaching towards him. Clow watched her go as well, uncertain.
Why could he not see her or their future?
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As the dark-haired girl enjoyed her warm bath, she recalled her run-in with Clow in the kitchen, as well as the pleasurable sensations it evoked in her, both emotionally and physically. She absentmindedly gnawed on her lower lip, watching her hands create pattern in the water. Her attraction towards the sorcerer was growing daily, and his effect on her was, by now, more than apparent to herself and all inhabitants of the house. It was unsettling, the easiness with which he made her feel. His closeness always brought butterflies and each brush of his fingers on her skin sent fire trailing along the limb and inside her body.
While it was obvious there was a growing physical attraction on her part, she had to also admit that she enjoyed spending time with the dark-haired man. While they were different, she found some similarities between them. He was mischievous, but used this side of him subtly, with finesse, in order to influence events and people to his will, but never with malicious intent. He was also smart and observant, hiding emotions behind smiles and laughs but always noticing details. Like her, he wore a mask, one that smiled, but, somehow, his smile was also the most genuine she had ever seen. She could not totally understand him and his complexity. It seemed that part of him evaded her, and this only made her all the more curious. But the more she saw and learned, the more she came to want to have more.
More smiles.
More laughs.
More touches.
With a slight shiver, the young woman stood up from the now cold water, wrapping a towel around her torso and squeezing the excess water out of her hair. It was truly a blessing the person who found her was rich. She knew that in such times, bathing with soap was a luxury, one that she was happy to be able to enjoy.
Droplets of water landed on the floor as she walked towards her bedroom, leaving a trail behind her. Shivering from the draft coming from her open window, she quickly slipped on a man's shirt. The shirt reached nearly to her knees, and was ample. While she had been provided with a few nightgowns by Clow and could have bought more, the pretty nightshirts felt constricting to her, more used to sleeping in silky shorts and tank tops as she was. Thus, she had decided to wear the shirts to sleep, although being careful not to walk around the mansion in such a lack of clothing as to keep some modesty.
Sitting down at the vanity, she started pulling a brush through her long wet hair, starting from the ends and going upwards to fend off tangles. The amethyst-eyed girl started singing softly, enjoying the soothing motions of the brush pulling through her long tresses. Droplets of water wet the improvised nightgown at her shoulders and back, making the garment stick to her body like a second skin. Setting the brush down, Tomoyo looked at herself in the vanity mirror, whispering the last lyrics of her chosen song.
He was out of reach.
It was the only conclusion she could draw.
Clow was out of reach.
For so many reasons…
Never.
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Morning came too soon in the form of a clawed paw hitting her lower back. With a startle, the dark-haired girl turned around as quickly as possible while tangled in numerous sheets and blankets. A sleepy smile stretched upon her lips as she discovered the cause of her early awakening. Cerobero lay on her bed, stretched out on his back and seemingly deep into a dream as shown by his light snorts and the twitching of his legs. One of said legs was responsible for her waking up, as the nails on one paw had clawed at her back through the shirt she wore. The guardian suddenly started growling softly, his brow crinkling in displeasure.
Smiling tenderly, Tomoyo opened her mouth with the intent to sooth the guardian from further unpleasant dreams. However, try as she might, no sound came out. Feeling dread surge quickly within her, she tried to force any sounds out of her mouth as hard as possible, straining against the effort. Her heartbeat accelerated as it became apparent that she had no voice anymore. Feeling around her neck quickly, she found no swollen glands and no pain. She had not suffered injury and was not sick, nor had she strained her voice. With her background in singing, she knew how to take care of her voice and what could cause voice extinction, but even such extinction would allow her to utter slight sounds, deformed as they may be. Panic started seeping into her mind against her control, as she could not find any way to rationalize what was happening to her.
Throwing her blankets back swiftly, startling one guardian awake in the process, she exited the room without preamble. Quickly jogging down the stairs, she moved through the mansion with the intent and purpose of finding the one who could help her. Her feet took her in front of the same door she stumbled upon a few weeks ago. Licking her dry lips, she knocked lightly on the thick wooden door before opening it hesitantly. The room, this time, was illuminated by the twenty feet high windows on the side walls. It looked less mysterious and foreboding in the light, but she still hesitated entering the room, as it was Clow's personal study, and consequently, was a private room.
Her feet made quiet slapping sounds on the marble floor as she pressed one fist to her chest, her gaze sweeping the room with intent. Letting out a soundless sigh, she moved back, still scared but now also disappointed at not having found Clow. Taking a few steps backwards, she gave one last look into the room, listing the different places she could find her ever elusive host.
The girl let out a soft soundless gasp as she felt her back collide with a wall of human flesh, strong and long-fingered hands dropping onto her shoulders lightly.
"Were you looking for something, Tomoyo?" A low voice whispered into her ear, fingers tightening minutely on her shoulders. With a breath of relief, she let herself slump against the man standing behind her, now comforted that she had found someone to help her.
Her slight figure now molded against the man behind her, she tilted her head up and to the side in order to look at the sorcerer standing behind her, watching her with soft eyes and giving her a tender smile. Trying to muster a shaky smile in return, she brought her hand to her throat touching it lightly and forcing soundless breaths out of her throat. The smile of the man behind her dropped slightly.
"Is something the matter?" He answered, concern marring his voice. The dark-haired man brought his hand up to press his fingertips against her throat carefully, the touch light but firm. Against her own volition, a shudder ran through her body, unwanted emotions peeking through the halo of fear felt until then. She chose to ignore said feelings, annoyed at herself for such weakness but also more bothered by her current predicament.
The young man cupped his hands around her throat feeling lightly the skin with his fingertips. A soft blue glow emanated from his hands as he touched her. The blue light felt like warm water rushing over her skin, further lessening her fear and allowing her to relax her tense posture into the figure behind her. If the man noticed how she curled against him, he did not show any sign.
"I see now." He brushed the back of his fingers against her cheek kindly, trying to reassure her through the gesture that everything would be fine. Tomoyo leaned into the touch unconsciously, gazing up at the man standing pressed against her back over her shoulder. Clow brushed a hand down her arm lightly, the cloth rustling underneath his fingers. His fingers stopped against the palm of her hands and curled against it lightly, inviting her to take his hand.
"Come with me, Tomoyo." He said gently, his eyes crinkling with the soothing smile he gave her. With a quick nod, she tightened her fingers around his, gripping his hand firmly. Warmth spread through her body at the touch and the feeling of security invading her being. Feeling a slight tug on her hand, she started forwards, following the man leading her further into the room. They stopped in front of the Clow Book.
Clow turned towards her, letting her hand go in the process. Her hand dropping to her side, she gave the man standing before her a curious look. He stared back, still smiling. Opening her mouth, she let out a soundless breath before remembering that she could not talk anymore. He shushed her.
"I fear that one of my creations may be to blame." He admitted sheepishly, tilting his head to the side and regarding her with twinkling dark blue eyes. His words brought a surprised look into her face. She looked at the Clow Book hesitantly, unsure of how a card could have caused this.
"The Voice" He whispered lowly. The book snapped open, startling the amethyst-eyed girl, and a card flew out, before transforming in a young girl with wavy hair and a feather like dress. The card looked between Clow and Tomoyo slowly, surprise etched into her elfin features.
"I think that you took something that is not yours to take, Voice." The card gave her master a guilty look but shook her head quickly, clasping her hands together underneath her chin. Clow gave the card a stern but gentle smile, all too reminiscent of that of a father to a mischievous child.
"I think you should give Tomoyo back her voice, don't you think? It would be a shame to deprive others of the joy of hearing it, no?" The card sighed mournfully and floated towards said girl, who until then had watched the exchange with fascination, unused at being in such close contact to the cards. The Voice stopped a few feet away from her and released an orb from her clasped hands. The orb shone with shades of blue and violets, exuding warmth and letting out soft whispers of the song she had been singing the night before.
The orb entered her throat slowly, being gradually absorbed into her body. Tomoyo pressed her fingers against her throat, feeling an odd burning sensation followed by a cool feeling, akin to drinking ice cold water on a hot day.
Heart pounding faster than before, she parted her lips to let out a sound.
"Mmmmmmmmm" Her heart lurched into her throat as she realized that she had her voice once more, and could now talk freely. Joy filled her, a wide smile appearing on her lips as she thanked her host. The Clow Card looked on dolefully, hints of longing on her face before she took on the form of a card and disappeared once more into the book.
Clow Reed approached her with a smile of amusement and, reaching out, tucked her hair behind one ear.
"The Voice is very mischievous, and has no qualms at stealing voices that she finds beautiful." He smiled wider at the admission, giving her a quick wink at the veiled compliment.
The dark-haired sorcerer took at step closer to her. Tomoyo shivered lightly, able to smell his scent now that he stood barely a foot from her body. Familiar sensations filled her body, her mind conjuring images of possible outcomes for this moment, all of them increasingly intimate and shiver inducing.
Clow leaned forwards, seemingly unaware of the thoughts running through his companion's head, and brushed his fingertips underneath her chin. The slight pressure made Tomoyo tilt her head back, her mouth now a breath away from that of the older man. Her vision suddenly transformed, the edges blurring into darkness until all she could feel was the closeness, and all she could think about was the man in front of her, and his lips on hers.
"My creations are attracted to you. Yet, do not fear the cards, To-mo-yo. As I would not hurt you, neither would they, for they feel as I do for those close to me." He whispered, his breath fanning on her lips. Her eyes fluttered closed, the words spoken barely filtering through her brain. The warmth suddenly disappeared, causing her to open her eyes in time to see Clow straighten up, looking unperturbed as always. With a sight and a light blush of embarrassment, she took an hesitant step back and turned to leave.
"Oh, and Tomoyo? I hope I may convince you to sing for me, one day." Not saying a word, she turned on her heels, walking away from the room and towards her apartments with as much dignity as possible while wearing only a thin white male shirt and a blush.
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As she looked outside the window of her room, she could not help but feel conflicted. Her heart, once so sure that Sakura would prevail, now wavered as she entered the fourth week of her stay in this era. She had kept herself hoping for a long time now, but she could not stop herself from feeling like she would never leave this time.
On the other hand, her growing affection towards Clow and both of his creations left a bitter taste in her mouth at the thought of leaving. Her attraction to the former was the most problematic, however. On the slim chance that he could be attracted to her, were she to be rescued by Sakura, never would she see him again. It was truly foolish to hope for his affection when, no matter where one looked, there would be no way for anything to come to fruition.
Doomed.
What seemed first like a gift now turned out to be an assured damnation. Returning would mean facing an ever painful present, and staying would mean leaving everything she knew behind. There was nothing for her in this time and place, and her old life waiting for her in the future. There was no choice, only one obvious outcome.
She closed her eyes, and wept.
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As a new day went on, she had to admit to feeling despondent. Yet, she knew she could not stay in bed all day, and forced herself to smile and ignore the painful squeezing of her heart. And so she sat in the garden for most of the day, watching the beautiful scenery and sketching to take her mind off of both the past and the future. Yet, she could not escape her thoughts, nor the feelings invading each and every of her cell, to the point she felt like she was suffocating.
Sometimes, it seemed to her that the pain was so intense she could feel it tear at her heart, pressing it in order to squeeze out every ounce of precious happiness and hope she felt.
Destroying it.
And it hurt, it hurt so much she could barely sleep, nor breathe, as she drowned in the sorrow. Yet, no tear would come forth, for they had been cried long ago, and none would come now, the well dry from abuse. But no matter what, no matter her feelings, she still went on, putting on a mask of happiness when each day, deep inside, her soul lay dying.
Broken.
Torn.
Scarred.
And thus she buried herself into her life, into her friends, her school, her arts, her many "talents", hoping to forget and to catch that fleeting moment of happiness that makes it worthwhile, that allows her to cling to hope and to keep breathing, to keep her head above the water.
But no matter what, the pain never goes away; it follows, and each time she stopped running, each time she took a deep gulp of breath, it would catch up and swallow her.
And all of this, all of the pain, the hurt, the fear, had to be worth something, had to lead to something better. To think otherwise would mean dying, and she was not ready to give up yet.
"Why such pain, little one?" A voice breathed over her shoulder. So absorbed into her thoughts and mindless sketching, she had not noticed the man approaching her. Said man now crouched behind her, looking at her with serious concerned dark blue eyes.
"Pain is part of life, is it not, Clow-sama? Pain warns us that we must remove ourselves from a situation to avoid further harm and to heal. Then, pain is nothing but part of living."
Clow sat beside her on the blanket and cushions she had spread on the ground, making himself comfortable. Resting one arm on a bent knee, he gestured for her to continue. She detailed his form as he sat next to her, his shoulder length black hair, dark blue eyes, tall frame and long-fingered hands. He was a handsome man, and his mere presence, even contrasted to her feelings of depression, caused warmth to rise inside her heart and body. Yet, she chose to ignore those feelings, and looked away from him to continue sketching, making abstraction of his intense stare to the best of her abilities.
A light touch on her arm made her flinch in surprise and pain.
Pain at a touch that represented so much, yet so little.
"I am sorry to intrude, Tomoyo." He whispered softly. She smiled back slightly and shook her head, masking her sadness behind a porcelain mask.
Fragile.
So fragile.
"I should go now and try to get some sleep before diner time..."
"Why, when you know it won't come?" Tomoyo merely ducked her head. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him, their eyes making contact. Her inside wavered as they fixed each other, his gaze steady, warm and inviting. She immediately tried to distance herself from the welcoming sight he made, from how he made her want to open up. There was no point in allowing herself to further develop feelings for this man. She already felt more than simple attraction, and wanted him more than she had ever wanted someone.
She felt her insides quiver as she held his gaze, but held on strong, putting a fixed smile on her face, the kind that had fooled many business men and friends. Nonetheless, she was the first one to look away.
"I will see you for diner, then" She stood up, picking up her sketching pad and brushes. It was time to distance herself from the man, and hopefully contain her feelings for him while she still could.
"I could help you." His words froze her into her tracks. For a fleeting moment, images off all the way he could help her filtered through her mind.
Fix the future.
Fix the past.
Allow her to stay.
Send her back.
Allow her to have both lives.
Yet she knew those were not possible.
"How?" she whispered softly, looking at her dark-haired companion over her shoulder, not hoping anymore, the fleeting thoughts erased from her mind.
"Fates played a trick, little one. You are important for the future it would seem..." She regarded him with growing interest, wondering what her role in the future was, and why it was so important. She had accompanied Sakura on many cards hunts, but she had not interfered in any noticeable way.
"But you have a mission in the past…." He trailed off, giving her a small mysterious smile, the barest tilt of pale lips. She turned her body fully to face him, expecting him to continue, but he fell silent, merely watching her closely. Curiosity whispered to her mind to accept his offer or, to the very least, listen to it. With a soft sigh, she sat back down next to the man.
"How?" The word was spoken softly, hesitantly. With a gentle smile, Clow reached towards her and touched the pad of his thumb diagonally on her cheek, barely brushing the corner of her mouth. She breathed in deeply, fighting the urge to lean into the touch or to part her lips. He seemed intent on torturing her no matter what, to touch her to evoke feelings and urges that she had never encountered before and that she did not know how to suppress.
"Your heart is damaged, Tomoyo, and your soul bleeding. I could go into your mind, like I did before, and ease your pain for a moment, simply to allow you to heal yourself, as you were not allowed before."
It was hard to believe that such a thing would help. But she knew, deep down, that he was telling the truth. Too much in too little time had rendered her weak. The nightmares that kept coming about her deceased father did not allow her to mourn, while, on the other side, she had become a rock for her mother and friends. And as he cupped her cheek in his warm palm, all she wanted is to lean into the touch and fall into the folds of his robe and sleep, and breath like she had never before.
To be with someone that would be her rock, just for a moment, just long enough that she could break the surface of the water and fill her lungs with fresh pure air. And as her heart pounded harder in her chest, she decided to take the leap and allow herself to be vulnerable, to be open and to fall, no matter how much it would hurt when she'd hit the ground.
Thus, she moved closer to him, sitting between his legs until her head touched his shoulder. He did not move save the stiffening of his body, brought on by surprise at the boldness of the young woman curling up against his chest. He could only watch as she gripped the edges of his robes and breathed out deeply, abandoning herself fully in his embrace. His own heart seemed to give a jolt at the vulnerable girl in his arms and he closed them around her small forms, the sleeves of his robes blanketing her form and hiding her from view.
"Just relax and open your mind to me" He whispered in her ear, tightening his hold on her minutely.
A thread of something foreign entered her heart and mind, slithering around sensuously. Warmth began spreading throughout her body from her torso towards her limbs and the tip of her fingers and toes. Once more, she felt like a blanket, thick and soft, wrapped itself around her. The sensation reminded her of curling up under the blankets of her bed on a cold December day, and suddenly being warm and content. This time, she embraced the feeling, letting herself sink in the foreign sensations and abandoning any sense of control left. Yet, never had she felt safer or more loved. Her pain seemed to gradually ease. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks in fat droplets, yet no sound escaped her lips. There was no feeling of loneliness or despair. Her sorrows did not disappear, but the weight they bore on her lessened. She gradually destroyed the thick brick walls erected around her heart, walls built to keep fear, pain and anger in herself.
The tears continued to come as her body grew lax, forfeiting any control left on both her heart and her mind. The man holding her merely stroked her back and shoulders gently as pulses of blue energy seeped inside her body and spread feelings or warmth, love and hope.
Lulled by these feelings, and drained from letting go of her emotions, she fell asleep against him, as he looked upon her with a tender smile hinted with sadness. The sorcerer carefully laid her down on the blanket and pillows, detailing her face.
As his magic receded and came back to him, bringing along sensations and flashes of sounds and images, his smile withered slightly.
So beautiful, yet having already felt too much pain.
Too mature too young.
"You do have power little one, just different from others... How could I not have noticed?" he whispered. The sorcerer brushed a long strand of black hair away from her cheek carefully, once again appreciating their softness. Giving his young guest a gentle smile, he stood up, intent on leaving her time to rest.
"...Clow..." He turned around slowly, a small smile spreading on his face and went back to the blanket, crouching down next to Tomoyo. He trailed an index down her cheek, brushing away the moisture left by her tears. His eyes came to rest on two glassy amethyst eyes. A moan escaped the lips of the young woman as she looked at the blurry form next to her.
"Thank you... Clow...." In answer, he merely smiled softly and with one last caress and inscrutable look, walked back inside the mansion.
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When Tomoyo woke up, it was to find herself in the soft duvet of her bed. For a second, she was distinctly disoriented, her mind stumbling to provide recollections able to explain how she went from being outside to being in her bed.
"I brought you here." The soft whisper attracted her attention to the corner of her room, near the window, where one guardian stood, looking at the moonlight.
"Thank you, Yue" she whispered back, climbing hesitantly off of the bed to approach the guardian. The padded sound of her feet hitting the cold stone floor was the only sound that broke the heavy silence in the room as she moved to stand at the other side of the window, looking up at the moon herself.
"The moon is beautiful tonight." The guardian didn't budge nor did he acknowledge her presence. He kept still, untouchable, cold.
"She seems so cold and impervious whereas the sun seems warm and inviting. It is a shame that people will only see this face of hers. If only they took time to observe, to "know" her, they would see that she is as beautiful and warm that the sun, only in a different way.
She didn't get a reply so she went on, talking in a low whisper.
"She always seems so alone in the night even with the stars surrounding her. Some prefer to be alone but sometimes, the burden is too much to bear alone. When I was younger, I often wished I could be her friend." She gave a small smile at the thought. The silence stretched between them, only broken by the sound of their slow breathing.
"You…" She swung her head to look at her left, her long tresses spilling over her shoulder at the movement. The being next to her continued to look at the moon, impassive as ever. She questioned her sanity then, hypothesizing that, maybe, she had imagined his voice after all. Achingly slowly, she moved closer to the guardian, leaning her hip against the window still and looking up at the silver-haired man with an open, honest expression.
"Yue?" The sound was carried away by the wind, ignored and unanswered. Slowly, two piercing silver eyes locked unto hers, their coldness merging with hot intensity.
"You seek to take him." Tomoyo bit her lower lip lightly, uncertainty making a crease appear between her eyebrows. She was unsure of what he was referring to, for the slightest moment. Quickly, her mind conjured up the image of Yue standing next to his master, looking at him almost reverently, and hints of love slipping through the cracks in his cold prison.
"I'm not stealing him away from you." she said softly, almost tenderly, putting a hand lightly over the guardian's cold one. She took a small step to be closer to the guardian, tilting her head back to look up at him, squeezing his fingers gently.
"I just want a piece of his heart, like you. Do you understand?" Her heart started aching as she saw the glitters of recognition in the guardian's eyes. For a second, an honest pained expression appeared on the guardian's face, one filled with longing and heartbreaking heartache. He suddenly looked so human to her, a mere reflection of herself, not a stoic emotionally stunted guardian, but a lone soul fighting the heartache of unrequited love.
"Oh, Yue…" The walls slammed into piece at her whisper, contempt covering quickly for any hints of pain. He looked at her with something akin to disdain, trying to scare her with the weight of his scornful gaze. The dark-haired girl quickly squeezed his fingers tighter and pressed her body against his in a gentle hug, pressing her face against the pristine robes covering his shoulder.
He stiffened, fingers curling in tight fist against his sides. Suddenly, he could not breathe anymore, could not escape the painful feelings, could not ignore himself and others. A torrent of emotions surged through his body, crashing against his insides and roaring in his head until he slumped over against the young woman, her form the only thing keeping him up.
"Yue.." she whispered hoarsely, her heart aching for the guardian, for what she knew he must be feeling. There was nothing she could do, nothing but stand there and hold him, hoping he would feel her, feel that he was not alone for once.
End of chapter 4
Hello guys! I hope that you are enjoying my new and hopefully better version of Never known memory. So, now I'm back to four chapters, with three left to go. I will try to post the remaining three in intervals of a week between each. The story is basically written. Just needs some beta-ing to clean it up.
So, as always, please review, and if you have any suggestions to improve my writing, I would be happy to hear them. See you in a week!
