This is one of my favorite chapters. It's just so…stupid. I also edited this so it's even more enjoyable.
Anime Questions Answered
NOTE: There is no homosexual or heterosexual sex in this chapter. Skip ahead to chapter fourteen for that stuff.
I don't hate homosexuals. "To each, his own."
Ayame doesn't have a tail; here she does-get over it.
QUESTION: What the hell is up with alternate pairings that would never happen?
The group was traveling on some random quest again. "Dudududududu We're traveling!"
"Kagome shut up," InuYasha yelled, as he had no sexual or romantic interest in her at all. He was alllll about Kikyou…and Ayame. They're both canines; they have so much in common!
Sango was busy thinking about Sesshomaru's nice ass. Even though they spent about three frames with eachother, she felt an intense love for him deep in her soul.
Kagome felt hurt by InuYasha's rudeness so she "osuwari-ed" him. He was such a jerk! She'd rather be with, like, Naraku or something. Mhhmmmm, tentacles!
Then they ran into Kouga. "Kouga! Take me with you InuYasha's being mean!!" Figuring it was as close to a declaration of love as possible he carried her off.
Next, Sesshomaru appeared and Sango decided to go off with him because Miroku's a perv. Miroku and InuYasha figuring they had nothing to lose went off hand in hand, skipping, and giggling to look for a "romantic" spot.
"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! I am NOT doing this!" Kagome was appalled at Kouga's suggestion. They weren't even a serious couple yet!
"Please my dear, sweet Kagome…." Kouga wanted to do this he was ready and wanted to do this with her for the rest of his life. He would only ask his one true love- his soul mate- to do this with him. Kagome was that soul mate; he could feel it.
"I REFUSE TO HELP YOU WASH THE WOLVES!!!!"
Sango was having a similar problem. Sesshomaru was tall, hot and handsome (SEXY!!!!!!!!!!) but something was wrong. His terrifying blood lust, killing sprees, and existence as an emotionless shell of a man? Fine. His main traits involving ruthless, demonic, and frightening evil? Also fine. But one thing wasn't fine. And that was his ass. It was too …flabby. She was wrong; his ass WASN'T a fine dimepiece.
Running for her life Sango conveniently ran into Kagome. "Switch?"
"Switch."
InuYasha and Miroku were having similar problems. "A-are you sure it goes there?"
"Well I don't know…. I think…." Being homosexual was difficult for the two.
"….I'm going to go find Ayame," said Miroku.
"Yeah, I'll go look for Kagura." They shook hands and ran in different directions, in search of their loves.
But Ayame wouldn't shut up about Kouga, her tail got in the way of her ass and her "drive" was low.
"Sorry Miroku, wolves do it in the spring!" Miroku's jaw and heart fell at the same speed.
And Kagura was too evil… and kinky. So they switched places but Miroku balled like a baby as Kagura assaulted his body. "K-Kagura I'm still haunted by chapter one!"
And Ayame was the definition of stupid to InuYasha. "Kouga blah blah Kouga blah blah! I'll get Kouga drunk blah blah make him marry me! Blah blah blah…" Both she and Kouga believed getting someone drunk and then marrying them while they are drunk is a good idea; they have so much in common!
"Who the hell likes KOUGA!!!??" They separated due to uncompromisable differences.
Kagome was much too perky for Sesshomaru. After all, there isn't too much supporting their pairing anyways. And Sango tried to kill the loud "offensive wolf."
"You're my woman!"
"I'm my own person!"
"You will always submit to me and do what I ask of you!"
"DIE, OFFENSIVE WOLF DIE!!!" She's a feminist.
All four met in the woods, disheartened.
"Oh well…." Then Miroku got another one of his brilliant – but perverted- ideas.
"Mirkag Inusan!" It worked for a while. Kagome couldn't sleep for fear of what Miroku would do. The first night of their relationship is an excellent example.
"AHHHHH!! Where did you find WHIPPED CREAM!!!??" She awoke strapped to a tree with leather straps, wearing a schoolgirl outfit (roleplay, baby), and covered in all the ingredients used to make an ice cream sundae.
"Give into the sensations Kagome! You will like them soon enough!" But she didn't.
Sleep deprivation sucks.
And InuYasha was much too loud for the reserved Sango. So to settle their arguments they used their weapons…on each other…a lot.
InuYasha went to find Kikyou and Miroku became the Band of Seven's "boy toy" which left Kagome and Sango. Having a relationship with your best female friend makes bathing hard.
"So uhh …what do we do now?" Kagome and Sango sat in a hot spring. They were both naked and very uncomfortable. Geez, just do it already! That's the REASON everyone reads Kagome/Sango!
"Touch each other?" Yes, Kagome, TOUCH EACH OTHER. You weren't into Miroku, Sesshomaru, OR anyone else! You're meant for each other.
"That just seems kind of odd." Shut up Sango, or you'll be the one getting tied down!
"Well Sango we are supposed to be madly in love lesbians with a high sexual appetite." Thank you Kagome. Now get on with it.
"…I'm gonna go find Naraku." Damn it. Nobody liked you anyways, Sango…cuz you smell funny.
"Let's go together; it'll help his low self- confidence." So off they went! At least, there's a threesome.
(Random totally unneeded Narrator: "Elsewhere with InuYasha and Kikyou!")
"Oh….Oh my God! Uhhhh Kikyou!"
"InuYashaaa."
"Could you bathe?" That certainly isn't the conversation one would expect.
"I'd fall apart I am made of clay… InuYasha…" Why must Kikyou be the voice of reason? She probably smells like dirt and stuff like that just like the cat from 'Pet Sematary.'
"Ok buh-bye." Kikyou was dumped. Poor girl didn't know how to keep a man.
And Miroku couldn't deal with Kyukotsu's …"largeness." So our two favorite men switched again.
(R.T.U.N "With Miroku and Kikyou") Kikyou just sat there. She didn't make any noise. Miroku was doing his best but being a pimp didn't mean he was GOOD at it. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout: it.
"Could you move a little?"
"Why?"
"Because you could pretend to care!"
Being chained to a bed in Jankotsu's private quarters disturbed InuYasha.
"No Jankotsu Not again! Stop!!!" InuYasha sobbed. "Please! Let me go!" He wasn't having any fun.
"Oh baby I love it when you role play " Jakotsu purred.
"DAMN IT WHAT'S THE SAFEWORD?!!!"There was no safe word; Jakotsu hadn't made one up. Unlike Kikyou he knew how to keep his man: chained to a bed and unable to escape.
With Naraku, it wasn't much better.
"I am NOT going to mindlessly serve you like my brother!" Sango argued with him as he attempted to brainwash her.
"And I'd prefer to not be touched by those tentacles"-Kagome pushed the tentacles away from her chest-"ANYWHERE or to find the jewel shards for you!"
"I'm not evilly sexy enough to sway you?" Sango and Kagome looked at each other.
"Nope."
"Not really."
"Sorry, I'm just not feeling it."
Naraku's confidence dropped into the negatives and he withered away. Bam! Dead…
InuYasha and Miroku escaped from their relationship prisons. But just barely.
"Inu baby! Don't leave me!!!"
"Jankotsu I figured out the safe word so you have to let me go." (He made up a word [which happened to be "sexy, heart-shaped, love drug" and Jakotsu, being his rather light-headed self, thought that he HAD created a safeword and that THAT was it, so he let InuYasha out.)
"B-but I didn't make one! WHY GOD WHY?!?!!!" InuYasha ran for it during Jankotsu's anguished cries.
Kagome went off to the Band of seven to replace InuYasha and Sango 'did' a suddenly older Shippo.
Unfortunately, it's hard to be perky among ruthless, living-dead mercenaries. Kagome wasn't doing so well with them.
"Let's play hopscotch!" She giggled and laughed happily at the idea. These dead people weren't so bad!
"Oh sorry we were gonna go kill innocent beings."
"Yeah."
"It's in my date book and everything."
"Like totally!!!!" (Guess who that was?)
"Gerk!"
"Are you even going to kill little puppies and kitties?"
"Especially, they taste awesome!" The other six men cheered at Bankotsu's statement.
"Let's have that for dinner tonight," Jakotsu suggested and more cheers insued.
"Oh my God!!" Kagome ran from her hopscotch area and vomited in the bushes. The Band of Seven laughed until they cried at her pain and misery.
They brought back the dead kittens and puppies to her, and forced her to cook them. It turns out that puppies and kittens taste a bit like chicken. Kagome ended up loving them and ate more than everyone else.
And it's hard to not shudder when you're "doing" someone considerably younger than you.
"STUPID PARODY!!!" screamed Sesshomaru (in a sudden and surprising fit of passion), InuYasha, Miroku, Kagome, Sango, Ayame, Kouga and Kikyou (also in a sudden fit of passion ) and the Band of Seven. "Alternate pairings are only good for angst romances and one-shots anyways!"
They all accepted their fates. Kikyou and Naraku paired off making a lovely, dark couple. Their days were spent quietly and angstfully. It suited them just fine.
Kagura with Sesshomaru was expected anyways. The two couple's only problem was their inability to show emotions. But for them it was convenient, like their marriages.
After all, random characters fall in love to prevent them from getting it on (Narrator: "All night long!") with the main or secondary characters.
"…" Kagura and Sesshomaru sat at dinner and neither said a word.
"…..Pass the rice…" Sesshomaru said quietly. She threw it at his head. It missed and crashed into the wall.
"…"
What a beautiful example of both couple's devotion to their loving partner!
From this experience, Ayame had learned how to get a man, specifically Kouga. With three gallons of sake coursing through his system, Kouga proposed to Ayame. She didn't care that she had given him the ring or that he didn't remember it the next day. It still counted…right?
They lived such a happy life. Kouga and his alcohol were inseparable, unlike him and his jobs. Ayame took care of Daisy May, Billy Joe, Bobby Jr., Louisa Joy, Willy Bob and Robbie June. They were some happy red-neck wolves ya'll!!!!!1434798484EXCLAMATIONPOINTSSHOWHOWREDNECKYTHEYWERE!!!
The Band of Seven mainly got off by killing the masses. But we don't give a shit about them anyways.
Secondary characters always fall in love because they're the ones that don't get much character development Miroku and Sango had finally worked out their troubled relationship.Their schedule was: eight thirty AM to five forty-five PM, Tuesday to Friday were double-sided groping days. The rest of the time was for "admiring" their favorite part of the body's anatomy. They didn't sleep much though. Fear of what might happen while they were unconscious stopped that. (Trust was an issue.)
"You sure you're not tired? We've been awake for four days now." They both yawned loudly, and Sango slowly nodded off.
"Nope I'm not sleepy at all Miro- AHHHH Don't do that I'm asleep!!!" Images of whips danced in her head.
"N-no Sango not there! Please not up there, NOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"Wow this is awkward."
"Yeah," they both agreed.
And Rin had magically grown up overnight
just like Shippo. InuYasha and Sesshomaru were so well broken by abusive wives… so well behaved at the wedding that they didn't destroy everything within a 50 mile radius-only the 49.99-mile radius! They're getting better. So now, Rin and Shippo only need to worry about getting "protected" from each other.
"Stop!!" InuYasha and Sesshomaru barged into the dark room.
"Aahhhhh I'm naked for God's sakes!" Rin screamed and covered herself with a blanket.
"COVER YOUR EYES!" InuYasha smacked a hand over Shippo's eyes. Young boys shouldn't see such things. "See Shippo I told you see was a succubus!" Shippo sighed.
"I've been married to her for FIVE YEARS!! And I'm still a freakin' virgin leave!" Sesshomaru and InuYasha trudged out but Sesshomaru shot the young couple a look that meant they wouldn't be doing anything while HE was alive.
After a lot of crap and believing one loved another (which is silly because everyone except Shippo and Rin were busy having kids) InuYasha and Kagome got together. They both fought, disagreed on everything, called the cops often, hurt each other physically and emotionally but they had to be in love. The main characters always get together. Kagome did have a hard time explaining the bruises to the neighbors though….
ANSWER: Alternate pairings are funny! That's why people support them because when someone ends up with the right person there's happiness or mutual abuse. Everyone likes one-sided pain better. Either way alternate pairings rock!!
XXX
And this is kind of funny… In the first chapter, Kagura put a metal cage on Miroku's head. Well I'm researching medieval torture devices for a project and it actually exists! It's called a Brank and it was used on shrewd woman. Haha Miroku's a woman!
And for those who give a damn the next chapter's question is …
"Why are some female anime characters able to pull stuff out from behind their backs or their bags or anything? (It's creepy.)
