The thought that they'd come for her, that Rose had come to get her, charging into an enemy fortress with no regard to anything standing in her way until her Pearl was back by her side, was exhilarating. Pearl clung to Rose's arm, sword clutched tightly in the other, thankful there'd been no call to use it yet – she was giddy and dizzy enough, her vision still clouded by tears, that she wasn't sure she'd last more than a minute in a real fight.
Garnet, who'd taken point, stopped all of a sudden in an unremarkable hallway that was no different than the previous five they'd rushed through, and motioned for the rest of them to follow her example. "We're cut off from the exit. They've set up an ambush."
"How do you know?" Rose asked softly.
Garnet adjusted her visor briefly, then offered only one word in place of an explanation. "Fusion."
"What?"
"Fuse and overpower enough of them to break through. It's… not the introduction to fusion I'd wish on anyone, but it's the only way."
"Listen," Bismuth argued nervously, "just because it works for… Garnet, doesn't mean dirt for the rest of us. We might just end up digging ourselves in deeper."
"Fusion is very poorly understood and-" Pearl began, and trailed off, still awash in a jumble of feelings from her very recent rescue, flustered by Rose's very close proximity and the wild, nascent little niggle of a thought that perhaps, perhaps, if it came to it and they went with this plan, Rose would pick her.
"Let's do it." Rose's tone brooked no arguments, so none came.
"I'll hold them off," Garnet said with a nod, already poised to beat any attacking Gems back, as if she'd known what the outcome would be from the start.
There was a hand on Pearl's shoulder, and another hand taking one of her own. "Fuse with me."
It was exactly what she'd hoped for, but also what she'd feared most. All of her previous enthusiasm seemed to melt away without a trace, leaving her a stammering mess under Rose's hand. "B-but what if I can't- I've never-"
"Me neither," Rose drew close to her and smiled, eyes crinkling in glee and excitement as if they were simply sharing a deeply personal secret, and not in fact in mortal danger and about to attempt a rather desperate escape. "Let's learn together."
—
Pearl remembered asking Garnet once – well, she remembered asking Garnet altogether too many things, and it was a wonder how patient Garnet's always been with her, really, she should remember to thank her properly – but on that one memorable occasion she'd asked a simple-seeming question: How do you know who you are?
Garnet's answer had been a shrug and a noncommittal noise implying that, somehow, you just did.
Pearl thought she finally understood, now.
Or, at least, Rainbow Quartz did.
—
The flickering hologram of Rose smiled gently and indulgingly down at her, and Pearl simply stared back. If she couldn't get her thoughts in order and lay them out so they made even cursory sense to a mere hologram, how could she hope to have a chance at making her feelings understood before Rose herself? How could she even begin to explain in mere words how it had felt to be so at peace with her own self, so centred and so… loved?
It had been such a brief thing, in the thick of battle, with no chance to properly process anything, but she'd, they'd felt amazing, and wonderful, and for once in her life Pearl found she could so very easily believe these things of herself. It was a wonder Rainbow Quartz had managed to fight at all. But oh, fought she had, and they'd all made it out of the White Diamond complex unharmed.
Unharmed, perhaps, but not unchanged, mused Pearl as she sat on a grassy hilltop now, days later, aware of a burning need to talk to Rose, but not having a single idea where to start.
"You're in love with her," a smooth voice sounded from behind her, very plainly and matter-of-factly, and Pearl didn't need to turn to see who it was.
"Garnet," she greeted, voice flat. "However did you know?"
"I do have some experience on the matter, I think. And you don't exactly make it hard to notice."
"Yes, well, I suppose it is hard to miss, what with me sitting around and staring at holograms like a lovesick fool," Pearl gestured at the lovingly detailed rendition of Rose before her, then dismissed the projection with no small amount of annoyance.
"I knew a lovesick fool, once," a small smile played on Garnet's face as she sat down in the grass on Pearl's left. "She made it out ok. Remains as foolish and as in love to this day, though."
"Oh? Was it Ruby? Or perhaps Sapphire?" Pearl tried, not particularly successfully, to inject some levity into her tone. "I'd love to meet them some day."
Garnet hummed, as if she was considering the proposition. "You know, you're very refreshing," she continued after a moment. "You never even asked why, just went with it the moment you laid eyes on me, and let me share what I wanted at my own pace. Not many I can say that about, I'm afraid. I appreciate it."
"Oh, um," Pearl found herself blushing slightly. "No problem, Garnet. I'm glad I could… help?"
"You can talk to me, if you want. If the hologram's not cutting it."
There was a very solid, very warm hand on her shoulder, the gem embedded in it pressing into her skin, and Pearl let her head droop with a sigh. "It's just… so frustrating. I don't even know where to begin. So many contradictions! I want Rose to be happy, I do, I want it so much - but I also want her to be happy because of me."
"Hm. You're jealous."
"It's fine, of course, perfectly expected," Pearl mumbled into her knees. "She could- and she's probably already had many- partners, companions. These humans she insists on playing around with, or other Gems, or- but I've, well, I've never wanted anyone but her. I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to want- I mean, I don't exactly have the best or entirely consistent frame of reference for what proper pearls are supposed to be like. I just… I don't know."
The heavy, reassuring hand gave her shoulder a squeeze. "You know, Ruby has never wanted anyone but Sapphire, either, never even tried. And Sapphire's tried many, many times, but it never really worked, until Ruby."
Pearl paused for a long moment, as if stuck on fully processing the words, and her cheeks grew bluer. "Oh no, we can't- I wouldn't expect her to- I wouldn't even dare suggest- oh, dear." She was flustered beyond all hope, and buried her face in her hands. Pearl could feel, from somewhere outside her pit of mortification, as Garnet's hand moved from her shoulder to pat her back surprisingly gently. It was a welcome distraction to focus on: just how well Garnet had herself under control, if she could rein her immense strength so very exactingly.
"I mean to say," Pearl started once she finally felt her mind and her tongue reach an agreement, "permanent fusion is all well and good in your case, but the rebellion needs Rose, and I can't take that away… I can't take her from everyone."
No matter how much I sometimes want to went carefully unsaid.
As usual, very little remained hidden from Garnet. "You're having trouble coping with being split up."
Pearl made a vaguely disgusted, frustrated sound in the back of her throat, but couldn't disagree. "Ever since that battle I've had this feeling, this incompleteness. I thought it was just a brief disorientation, a natural side-effect from fusing and unfusing, but it's not going away, and it feels like it'll drive me to distraction!"
"First time fusing can be intense. You should talk to Rose. Tell her what you just told me. Try fusing again, if she agrees, so you can sort out your feelings together."
"Oh, no, no, I couldn't possibly!" Pearl protested aggressively, attempting to pretend that wasn't exactly what she wanted most. "She already puts up with so much, and she's always been so very kind and patient with me, even when there was absolutely no call for her to be! But for all my failings, she still-"
"Tell Rose."
Garnet stood up and left, and Pearl buried her face into her arms with a groan.
—
She made a firm, iron-clad resolution out of Garnet's words.
Pearl resorted to hanging back as the war council dispersed, fiddling with the map on the table and doing her very best to seem busy as the rest of Rose's inner circle left. Garnet got up last, and Pearl could have sworn she'd thrown her a meaningful look, even though not a trace of her eyes was visible behind her shades.
"Is something the matter, Pearl?" Rose's voice drifted over to her, gentle and encouraging in a way that was always warmly and uniquely Rose to her, and Pearl suppressed a shiver.
"I was… I was going to go over what we've recovered of Emerald's possessions, but I…"
Fuse with me? Please, pleasepleaseplease…
Pearl bit her lip, and looked away from Rose's puzzled and slightly worried gaze.
"I… don't want to be alone right now," she admitted at last, quietly. It was close enough to the truth, and not exactly a rare thing for them, so Rose seemed unsurprised and unsuspecting of any deeper issues at play.
"All right," Rose answered, expression growing into a gentle smile with a hint of bashfulness, and Pearl almost swooned at the sight. "I admit I don't particularly want that, either."
Rose took her hand, and they went for a long, slow walk in the pleasantly crisp evening air, occasionally stopping so they could look around a clearing Rose found particularly appealing, or take in their surroundings in a way they rarely got to during their tense, busy days, or simply to share a tender moment and a brief kiss. Some day, perhaps, all their nights could be spent similarly - it was a nice thought to harbour, and Pearl was surprised at the intensity with which it arose in her, filing it away for future consideration.
They talked of things – inconsequential, trivial, completely forgettable. Many unspoken words hung in the air between them, and Pearl thought it seemed, at times, like Rose felt them very heavily, too.
The sun rose, and Rainbow Quartz was never brought up.
—
Inevitably, the real world required both their presences.
Another meeting was drawing to a close after hours of setting up troop positions and optimising warp locations. Pearl thought of her complete failure to deal with one set of feelings, and focused instead on her other resolution – one she'd made in the darkness of her holding cell while captured, and one that recent events had given her an excellent chance to fulfil.
Pearl spotted her moment to act just as she was about to be left alone with Rose. She cleared her throat, trying to unstick the words that still, after all her time at Rose's side, sometimes simply refused to come properly. "Uhm. If- if I may?"
"You may always, Pearl," Rose smiled, kindly, encouragingly, as she so often did, but with a pronounced hint of bemusement. "What is this all of a sudden?"
Pearl cringed at herself – slipping into old patterns was so very, very easy.
"Emerald had a personal assistant pearl assigned to her. Old shipping records indicate she came with her to Earth, and my own personal records show that she joined the rebellion alongside her former-" Pearl sneaked a glance at Rose, quickly sorting through words in her mind, "… commander. I'd like to talk to her."
"Of course. Please, feel free. I hope she's all right," Rose, being Rose, was genuinely worried. "I admit I never properly checked if any Gems had had problems adjusting. We changed some things rather rapidly, after all. It can't have been easy."
Pearl's lips twisted, but she said nothing, and simply nodded.
—
She waited until the particular stretch of the encampment was mostly empty thanks to scheduled training exercises for the resident pyrite squadron. It wasn't much of an issue to find the door designated in her records, and Pearl was pleased when her knock was answered by the very Gem she was looking for.
The other pearl was smaller than her. Not significantly, not to the point of being outside any processing parameters, but enough for it to be noticeable to one of her own kind. Her hue tended toward the pink ends of the spectrum, which Pearl couldn't help but slightly enviously compare to her own pale blue tint.
"Can I help you?" The question was carefully polite, hiding an undercurrent of fear and agitated nerves Pearl knew very well. It was obvious, too, from the moment their eyes met, that the other pearl knew exactly who she was.
"Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm looking for the pearl assigned to former Kindergarten Overseer Emerald."
There was a loaded pause as the air between them grew tense and the knuckles on the hand the pearl was gripping the door handle with turned completely white. "I- it's me. I was Emerald's pearl. Personal assistant. Like- like you are Rose Quartz's?" Pearl merely nodded an acknowledgement of her identity, not bothering to correct the mistake. Misunderstanding? It wasn't particularly relevant, especially not in the face of the pearl's agitation.
"But I swear I didn't- I didn't know anything!" There was a growing panic evident on the other pearl's face, and her voice trembled violently as words burst out of her. "Please don't- I don't want to be- crushed, repurposed, I didn't- please, please…" It ended in a whimper, and Pearl stared at the sad sight before her in surprise and disbelief. She'd anticipated many possible reactions to their meeting, but the pearl crumpling in sheer overwhelming terror for her own continued survival hadn't been one of them. She felt lost and completely out of her depth as the last of the pearl's restraint finally failed and she burst into loud sobs, clamping both her hands over her mouth as if trying to physically keep them from escaping.
"It's, er, it's fine," Pearl began awkwardly, trying to think of something comforting Rose would say or do – she was so very good at things like this! Pearl, however, was very much not – finally lifting a hand and letting it hover over the other pearl's shoulder, doing her best to ignore the resulting flinch. "I'm not going to hurt you. Nobody is. That's… that's not how we do things anymore. Rose Quartz is kind, and merciful even to her enemies. Not that you're one! Not at all."
The pearl was staring at her, wide-eyed and still disbelieving, but already significantly calmer after her initial outburst. Pearl let her hand fall that remaining inch, gently setting it down on the still trembling shoulder. "Let's go inside and sit down. There's nobody around to disturb us right now, correct?"
She got her answer in the form of a shaky nod, and was quickly ushered into the barracks room and onto a long bench near the only window in sight.
"Where are you from?" Pearl began a feeble attempt to break the ice between them after allowing her host some time to collect herself, putting on a casual, light air she didn't really feel.
"Uhm. Pier 30, second-to-last series," the other answered quietly. "You?"
"Early Pier 24 line."
"Oh," the other pearl merely said, vaguely surprised, and Pearl had to fight off a flash of vague annoyance at having no other way to, mentally or otherwise, differentiate herself from this entirely unique being with a completely separate set of experiences. It felt odd – it had never chafed at her quite so noticeably before, and they'd all always been pearls.
"The famously high culling rate, you mean?" The only answer she received was a slightly hesitant nod. "I got lucky, I suppose. I wasn't… too bad. Quite a few of us made it through processing that wouldn't have, usually. But they simply couldn't afford to get rid of all of us, so they… kept us around. Out of sight, for the most part, but still, it was something. I served a tour on an archive material delivery vessel," she added at the look the other was shooting her way. "I did… a bit of research."
"You tampered with archive material?" The pearl's face was lit with wonder, fear, and what seemed to be a hint of admiration. "That's… that's…"
"Highly illegal, and severely punishable, yes, I'm aware. They never caught on, though." She was bragging a bit, perhaps, but it seemed to be helping – the atmosphere was nothing like it had originally been, and the two of them were sitting close together, talking in barely above a conspiratorial whisper.
"You know," the pearl offered, now with a small smile, "back on Homeworld, I got into Emerald's private files once – records she kept hidden even from me and out of her everyday agenda, and-"
"Emerald's personal records?" Pearl felt a flash of inspiration strike her, a thousand possibilities suddenly flooding her mind, and she whirled on the other pearl, all eager excitement. "Do you know if she kept any here? Do you know where they are? We have her computer, and all her belongings, we could-"
All the slowly and painstakingly built up joy quickly drained out of the pearl's face. "I see, that's how it is," she muttered darkly, coolly. "That's why you came here."
"What?" Pearl let go of where she was gripping her shoulders, realisation of what she'd just done finally setting in. "No, no, no! Oh, I'm sorry I interrupted you, I just wanted to- That's not it at all! I'd heard that Emerald came here with a pearl and I thought- I was just-"
"You're here to pump me for information, obviously, and I'm a complete fool for thinking your motivations might have been anything personal, or anything… kind," she concluded, ignoring Pearl's endless protestations. "Well, you're out of luck: I can't help you – Emerald locked me out of all her systems not long after we came here. I guess we all know why now."
She stood up and made for the door, opening it and motioning Pearl out in a single restrained movement. "You can leave now. There's nothing of interest to you here, after all."
Pearl wanted to argue, to prove her intentions were nothing like that, but everything she tried to say seemed to come out wrong and only served to make things worse. She felt the other's disappointed and tired glare on her skin almost physically, and gave up, preparing to leave. Some other time, perhaps, they could try again.
"I'm sorry for wasting your time," was the last thing she heard as the pearl closed the door behind her. She remained standing for a few more moments, dully gazing at the door's weathered surface as if something would miraculously shift and change for the better. Finally, she turned, sighed, and shuffled back to base with a heavy heart.
—
Many Gems in Rose's army liked to say they'd lost count of the number of battles they'd been in, and, if prompted, Pearl readily agreed with them.
It was a lie, of course – she knew she'd been in exactly five hundred and twenty two large-scale battles and two thousand eight hundred and seventy seven minor (in scale, if not in importance) skirmishes. She could sort them further into ambushes and sieges, categorise them by attacking and defending side or by victor and defeated, if asked. No such request ever came, and Pearl found the startlingly common eagerness to forget even events so relatively recent in Gem memory irked her, though she couldn't quite put into words why.
The day's engagement at the communications hub marked number five hundred twenty three, and it still hadn't gotten any easier.
She'd gotten separated from Rose very early on and lost sight of her completely. The field had, for a thankfully brief moment, been almost entirely aflame, patches of it turning to sheets of jagged glass – Homeworld had sent a squadron of rubies after them, and Pearl found her thoughts kept returning to Garnet with a sympathetic cringe.
The flames – and the rubies – were mostly gone now, and thick dust swirled around the combatants, as it somehow always, always seemed to. It was the one thing common to all the battles they'd fought on Earth, and one Pearl now felt never got recorded and reported with the attention it deserved. It was everywhere and got into everything and oh, how easy it would be for Pearl to turn the tide of the entire rebellion if her powers of control over sand were just a tiny bit stronger.
As it was, the best she could hope to accomplish was redirect a pinch of dirt and flick it into an opponent's eyes at a critical moment. It helped, though not tremendously, and it was hardly something she could rely on, but it very cleverly complemented some of the rapier forms Rose had taught her.
Pearl twirled just out of reach of the large mallet of an effectively blinded enemy soldier whose gem she couldn't quite make out, then scrambled behind one of the grand pillars of the communications hub she'd once, in what now seemed to be an entirely separate existence, helped design.
The respite offered by the almost-shelter was brief, and Pearl soon found herself fending off a flurry of ill-aimed, wild, and obviously untrained sword thrusts. She looked up at her opponent and promptly froze in her tracks.
It was a pearl. Another one stood not far behind her, and another – an entire squadron, soon engaged by Rose's forces on all sides. Pearl swallowed dryly, dust sticking uncomfortably to the back of her throat, and there it was again: pearls weren't meant for this.
She couldn't help but risk a look down at herself, at the pink markings and highlights adorning her clothing, then glanced over her opponent, marked with matching white. The other pearl was staring, as well, searching for an opening she must have been aware she had no idea how to properly make use of. "What are you- what are you doing?" Pearl gasped out as she forced her arms to move and deflect another desperate strike. "Why are you here?"
"By orders of White Diamond," the pearl answered curtly, frowning at the sword clutched in her hand, eyes following the length of the blade to where it was trapped by the other's cross-guard.
"I can see that!" Pearl snapped, her sheer disbelief dulling the bite of her tone but doing nothing to loosen her stance, much to her opponent's visible chagrin. "But pearls aren't- what are they thinking- why in all the worlds would they send-"
The pearl glared at her, and raised her voice to interrupt the increasingly panicked-sounding rambling. "By orders of White-"
"Stop saying that!" She was letting it get to her, well aware that that was the absolute last thing she should have been doing, and a voice that sounded remarkably like Garnet's drummed in her head, trying to jar her into getting a grip on herself again. Her own upset cries drowned a lot of it out. "You'll all get killed! Crushed to dust! No, no, nonononono…"
The sword flew out of Pearl's increasingly shaky grip, leaving nerveless fingers to droop uselessly at her side.
"White Diamond wants her pearls to fight, so we fight," the other pearl stated pragmatically, pausing to pick up Pearl's sword and throw it aside, far out of reach. "Following orders is a very basic function. Are you truly so far gone you can't understand even that much?"
There was a fascinatingly personal twist to what looked like hatred burning in the other pearl's eyes, and Pearl thought, suddenly, that she understood – they didn't want to die, of course they didn't. But they were pearls, pulled out of who knew what jobs and positions, thrown into the chaos of battle – had they even given them basic training? If the pearl before her was any indication, the answer was a definite no. Their chances were miserably low, and all the other pearl seemed to be saying was it's you, it's you, it's all because of you and your precious commander, and now we will all die-
-but you will die first.
Pearl barely managed to dodge the downward swing of the blade, kicking up dust as she scrambled to her feet. She pulled a spear out of her gem and blocked the returning upward sword swing in one fluid movement, then sliced at her opponent. She counted on the very important advantage of reach her weapon gave her, and her gamble paid off.
The other pearl looked at her, eyes wide in disbelief, roiling with both fear and marvel and something very much like longing. "You-you can summon a weapon? They never- they never taught us-" She got no further, as her physical form lost cohesion and vanished, the white smoke quickly dispersing in the hot battlefield winds – winds that now carried the welcome sound of Rose's voice, as well. Pearl gave the pale gem on the ground a long look, teeth digging into her lower lip, fingers itching to pick it up.
She kicked it out of the way, instead, into the relative safety of the nearest pillar's shadow, and threw herself back into the fight, an answering cry to Rose's calls already in her throat.
—
She returned to the field the morning after, seeking out the exact spot she'd burned into her memory, gaze quickly combing the ground littered with colourful glittering shards without allowing herself even a moment to pause or think or truly take in her surroundings.
There was no trace of a pearl anywhere.
