With(out) You


"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future."
—Robert H. Schuller


With purpose, Tamaki had sat down next to the other young man at the start of group. The past few days had been much different in relation with his father. All right, perhaps not that different. The feelings between were rubbed raw, they continued tearing places with the other but there were apologies and honesty. The bridge was being mended and there were going to be mishaps and missteps. Grand-mère was still just as prickly, but that was her. Tamaki had a fresh burst of determination fueling him. There were people in Japan he did not wish to lose. Family of his father, grand-mère, and the young man with bitter eyes.

Tamaki had been watching, but kept his distance all this weeks. He tapped his fingers and jiggled his leg, fidgeting. It may be a gut feeling he had no logical reason for, but weeks had only stirred more questions and curiosity and a need to know more. Hesitation was destroying Tamaki in the long run, he felt more…himself lately. His mother had always smiled more when he had dove into doing things he enjoyed. Impulsive. Reckless. So said several teachers in France. Bright. Upbeat. Optimistic. So said his mother. And filled with warm sincerity.

Holding back around this young man had Tamaki feeling regret. It was a person he wanted to know, drag around to places, to break past the mask of bitter eyes, and maybe help take some of the heavy load off of him.

"Are you speaking today?"

Tamaki automatically added the number of words total he had heard the other young man speak during group. The addition was of a single word. The variety of words spoken remained at a single entity.

"No."

And there it was. The ever present negative.

Salt and pepper Arata dismissed the group. Tamaki spun, bursting to speak. The person of interest? He turned, picked up his plain briefcase, and walked away. Tamaki sprung up and followed him out the door, quickly catching up to walk on his right.

"So Kyoya, what's it like to have a sibling? Your sister seems close, picking you up every week. Was it like that when you two were growing up? I've not had the chance to have a sibling and I've always been curious what having a sister or brother would be like."

Without a turn to look at Tamaki, his mouth opened. Tamaki brightened at the automatic vocal response to him.

"If that is your real question, of which I doubt, you can ask someone else."

And earned an automatic shutdown.

He paused, but stepped hastily to nab the door to hold it open. No thanks or halt in his step, Kyoya strode right by as though Tamaki was not there.

"But I'm asking you."

Tamaki took the silence as a hopeful positive, fully thinking Kyoya would have snapped back at him. The other young man was curious. The love of family was obvious with how his elder sister was the one to pick him up every week. But yet Kyoya didn't acknowledge it, only settling to take them off their guards with his harsh statements and clearly trying to destroy any feelings between. He pushed them away so hard, but Fuyumi returned week after week with worried concern clear in her eyes on how Kyoya behaved.

He sat next to Kyoya on the bench, watching the other young man carefully. Rather than commenting at Tamaki's choice seat, Kyoya blatantly ignored him and acted as if he sat alone. Clicking open his plain briefcase, official papers were pulled out with a ball point pen. The dark haired young man was focused as he worked, but not as focused at Tamaki would have thought. The writing was neat, clear, and precise. It was written in English. With that type of writing, Tamaki knew he was either a perfectionist or very driven to be able to do so that easily. Where was the sharp focus that should be there with such skills?

He was young. Where was that drive to get higher?

Kyoya had said to his sister he was no longer living. Tamaki's gut clenched. The words weren't just something to drive his family away, were they? Those words were true. Tamaki watched longer, becoming sadder at how much Kyoya only went through the motions.

"My, my, my Kyoya. So hard at work."

At the voice, Kyoya snapped the file shut and slid it away with his pen. Tamaki glanced away to see Fuyumi striding over with a warm smile.

"Hello," she greeted to Tamaki simply. He smiled back at the beautiful lady. She seemed in better spirits today than other days she came for her younger brother. Why was that, Tamaki wondered curiously.

Her gaze on him didn't last long, her focus going to Kyoya. "How was group?"

Giving her neither greeting nor a response, the other stood with his briefcase and made his way to the vehicle waiting for the two of them. Her eyes caught Tamaki's and he blinked in surprise, before she looked to Kyoya and back again. Sighing, she turned away and followed him. Oh. Kyoya's older sister had been hoping for some difference today because he had been sitting next to him.

The overall tone of giving up from the siblings had him springing up.

"Maybe making others smile may not help me," Tamaki shouted. He reached out, grabbed Kyoya's shoulder, and gave it a shake. Spinning about, the young man swatted his hand away, hate filling up his gray eyes. "But it might help them!"

Hate gave way to stunned shock, startled and paying attention to what Tamaki had just said. His eyes flickered away from both Tamaki and his elder sister. Pain shook across his face, muscles jumping. Unsure of why this reaction, Tamaki hovered in wait, glad he got through to this young man in some way.

"Fuyumi," Kyoya stated simply. He hesitated. Carefully, he asked out loud. "How was your day?"

Beaming, Fuyumi swipped a tear away from her eye, her voice choked in emotion as she replied to her brother's question. "It was wonderful Kyoya. Wonderful."

Pleased, Tamaki watched as the pair walked away, Fuyumi talking brightly and Kyoya's face facing hers as she spoke. He was glad. It didn't solve anything in the long run, but Tamaki was glad. Something of what Tamaki said struck a chord in Kyoya. It was sure not to last long, but Fuyumi was able to have a piece of her brother back for a little while.

I still want to see him smile, Tamaki realized to himself as he stood there watching. He wanted to remain in the other young man's life, shake it up, and not see such a look in those eyes.


"You can't escape what you will not deal with. The day you can stand in the room with someone and not be affected is the day you truly moved on."
― Shannon L. Alder