Disclaimer: I do not own DN Angel or anything associated with it. Yukiru Sugisaki does.

The Very Thought of You

Chapter 3: Let's Fall in Love


A bright but chill Monday morning saw Daisuke still sitting in front of a canvas that was propped unsteadily upon an old easel which he'd borrowed from Keiko. He hadn't brought his own assuming that Satoshi would still have his, even if he didn't have enough time to paint. But when asked, Satoshi said something vaguely about it being sold or thrown out. Daisuke didn't particularly remember, mainly because Satoshi had been so unclear that he couldn't really be sure what had happened to it in the end. Not that it mattered now.

At least the canvas was no longer blank, as it had been for the last couple of days. A light pencil sketch covered it, with paint already filling parts and beginning to spread slowly to the rest of the canvas. The canvas was square and of a medium size, sitting comfortably on the easel. Thank goodness for Keiko-san or else I wouldn't have got any work done while here, Daisuke thought. He pushed the other distractions that were hindering his work, namely the presence of a certain blunette, out of his mind.

"Can I see what you're painting?" Satoshi asked with interest, trying to peer around the edge of the easel. But Daisuke was quicker. He pushed Satoshi away gently, shaking his head.

"No!" he realised his voice was a little severe. Softening it, he continued, "No, you can't see it yet. I-it's not finished."

"But I always enjoy seeing your works in progress," Satoshi complained lightly, not wanting to push Daisuke too much. He knew that Daisuke still wasn't too happy with him smoking all the time and didn't want to make the boy sulky again.

"I don't want you to see this one until it's finished," Daisuke lied, secretly knowing that he never wanted Satoshi to see this painting.

Satoshi shrugged, nodding his assent, "Okay, I'll wait to see it. I'm off to work then."

"See you later," the red-head called to a retreating back. Satoshi lifted his hand in an acknowledging goodbye before closing the door behind him.

I have a feeling, it's a feeling I'm concealing - I don't know why,
It's just a mental, incidental, sentimental alibi.

Daisuke looked at the canvas which was slowly beginning to depict Satoshi lounging in the windowsill petting Yuki, who was curled up on his lap, as the morning sunlight filtered in behind them. It was the image he'd seen the first morning he was here. It was emblazoned in his mind and he needed to free it, to let it jump onto the canvas. There was much work still to do, more details to add. The background outside the window was just a flat colour at the moment, requiring bricks, graffiti and depth to be added. Satoshi and Yuki themselves had yet to be painted fully and there was no light in play as of yet.

Daisuke's style was highly realistic, using oil paints to re-create life and required a great deal of skill and time. He could see the vision in his mind, but it would take another day or two, at least, if he worked steadily to get the thing completed. And he liked to leave his works for a couple of days before returning for the final touch-up. Mistakes were much easier to spot that way.

But I adore you, so strong for you.
Why go on stalling, I am falling, love is calling - why be shy?

He heaved a sigh, wiping his hands absentmindedly on his paint-stained jeans. Satoshi was never, ever going to see this. Not if Daisuke could help it anyway. He'd often painted the boy in the past, but Satoshi had never seen any of those paintings either. Not that there were so many of them, he reasoned.

"Who am I kidding?" he asked out loud to seemingly no one. Yuki looked at him oddly from her position high up on the kitchen bench. Daisuke had painted the older boy incessantly during highschool, trying to capture those moments, those looks that, for him, defined Satoshi. Probably half of his private folio consisted of paintings or drawings, finished and rough, of the blue-haired boy.

I'm a damn love-struck fool, he thought. A damned fool.


Let's fall in love.
Why shouldn't we fall in love?

Was this a dream, or was it reality? He couldn't quite tell the difference between the two anymore except he knew that while he was sometimes happy in dreams, in reality, he was sitting in the lonesome boat of unrequited love and didn't that just have the slightest tinge of bitterness to it. Whereas here, it was different. Here it was…where exactly was here?

Daisuke looked around. He was standing in the middle of a clearing in a strange looking forest, filled with low trees and darkness. He felt strangely alone and frightened, scanning the bushes surrounding him with a wary eye. There was a dirt path beneath his feet which contrasted strikingly with the lush green grass that hedged it. He was vaguely aware that everything was in vivid, almost surreal, colours. Daisuke felt like crying and wasn't quite sure why. He felt exhausted, as if he had already experienced many trials and tribulations which had left him at his wit's edge. And he was lost. He had the strange feeling he was trying to find someone, though he couldn't for the life of him remember who, but the path in front of him diverged in five different directions and he couldn't decide which way to go.

"Oh, what am I going to do now?" he huffed, looking from path to path. Sitting down on a log that appeared on the side of the path, he put his head in his hands. After sitting like that for what seemed an eternity, but could have only been a few moments, he heard someone singing in the distance. Looking up, he couldn't see anyone even though the sound was getting closer and closer. "Hello, is anyone there?" he called out into the resounding darkness.

"Nobody understands," the voice which was singing was deep but playful. Weird, Daisuke thought, considering the words were quite sad, "Lost, I don't have a destination today either."

And oddly enough, they mirrored exactly what Daisuke was feeling, which frankly pissed him off a bit because it sounded like this non-entity was mocking him.

"Who are you?" he called out again but there was noting but the trees. "Where are you?"

"Why, my dear boy, I'm right behind you," and indeed the voice came from directly behind him. Daisuke spun around, getting up quickly. Sitting lightly upon the tree branch that was just above Daisuke's eye level was a white cat with blue stripes and bright blue eyes, which had a slightly mad look to them. He had an enormous grin that seemed to fill his entire face. "Now, how can I help you, Daisuke?"

"Who are you? How do you know my name?" Daisuke blurted out, still rather stunned by the cat's appearance. And the fact that the cat was now standing on its hind legs, leaning against the tree. Oh, and talking. To him. Yes, I'm still sane, Daisuke reasoned.

"Oh, I know everything here. Because, my dear, I am the Cheshire cat. I know all, I see all," as he said this last part, the cat grabbed his own eyes, pulling them away from his head and balancing them on his fingers. He spun them agilely on his fingertips before returning them to their sockets. Daisuke should have felt at least faintly repulsed by this, but did not question it.

"Can you tell me which way I ought to go then?" Daisuke asked.

"Why yes, but that depends," the cat was now standing on its head, but not in the way you would think. It had actually detached its own head and was currently standing on it as if it were a ball of some sort.

"On what?" Daisuke looked at the cat in a confused manner.

"On where you want to go of course," the Cheshire cat replied as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

"But I don't know where I want to go. I'm lost. I'm looking for…" Daisuke trailed off, realising that he didn't know who or what he was actually looking for.

"The White Rabbit?" the cat suggested usefully, the large smile never leaving his face. It was a bit of a menacing smile, Daisuke thought.

"Oh yes! Him!" he couldn't remember why he wanted to find this white rabbit but it was somehow important.

"Well, he went that way," the cat suggested again, seemingly pointing in two different directions before deciding on one.

"He did?" Daisuke asked hopefully.

"He did what?" the cat suddenly looked bemused by the red-head's question.

"Went that way?" Daisuke said impatiently, pointing in the direction the cat had shown him.

"Who?" the cat opened his arms in a questioning gesture.

"The White Rabbit!" Daisuke said, rather annoyed now at the cat's temporary loss of memory.

"What rabbit?" the cat rolled backwards, and now Daisuke was unsure whether he was mocking him or not. He stamped his foot on the ground in frustration.

"Well, if I were you, I'd ask the Mad Hatter. Or possibly the March Hare." He pointed at a sign that had appeared out of nowhere, which clearly indicated one of the paths and had 'Mad Hatter' painted on it in big letters.

"But I don't want to ask someone who's mad," Daisuke insisted.

"Oh, you can't help that. You see, we're all a bit mad here…" as he said this, the cat started vanishing so that all that was left was his blue stripes and his large, haunting grin. Daisuke could hear his strange song echoing in the background. Sighing, he set off down the path towards the Mad Hatter.

That cat was so familiar. He knew that voice, knew that smile, that colour but everything here was so distorted. He swore he knew that cat, but from where?

Suddenly, looking up from the path he was following, Daisuke was stopped just in time before bumping into Satoshi who was standing serenely in the middle of the path.

"Oh Satoshi-kun! I almost bumped into you! What are you doing here?" he looked around and realised that they were no longer on a path in the middle of a forest but instead were standing in front of the fountain in his home town in Azumano. It was pelting down rain, dark grey clouds rolling across the sky. They were in the middle of a storm.

"I should be asking you that question." Satoshi was staring him down, his face emotionless and unchanging. It was unnerving and it was making Daisuke uncomfortable.

"Huh?" the younger boy was confused by Satoshi's intensity.

"What are you doing here, Daisuke? What are you doing here in my life?" Satoshi asked fiercely, his blue tail flicking out from behind him. One of his blue cat ears perched atop his head twitched in annoyance. Daisuke knew those eyes, knew that voice. "Why are you here?"

Our hearts are made of it, let's take a chance,
Why be afraid of it?

Suddenly the ripping chords of a loud rock song blasted through his dream.

Daisuke woke with a start, breathing heavily. His heart raced so fast in his chest he could feel it literally thumping against his ribcage. He could hardly stutter out the question he wanted to ask, but it didn't matter since Satoshi pre-empted him.

"I'm sorry, but my neighbours are rather…well, they're nice people when they're not high," he apologised. He didn't really seem that fazed by the blasting music and loud bangs and crashes coming through the flimsy wall as he leaned back against the couch.

"A-are they okay?" Daisuke stammered, looking at the wall with uncertainty as what sounded like a plate smashed against it from the other side.

Satoshi shrugged, "They usually are. I'll check on them tomorrow morning. Hopefully they'll come down in an hour or so. Until then, there's not much we can do." He rubbed his eyes with his hands tiredly, obviously weary of the place he lived in. Or was he perhaps just tired of his insane life?

Daisuke thought he murmured something that sounded like "it's going to be a long night" but wasn't quite sure. God, that music was awful. It screeched and whined. Daisuke got up, dragging his feet softly across the room, reflecting silently on his strange dream. It had resembled the set of paintings he had done for a friend's theatre production which was an Alice in Wonderland theme. He had a feeling that the dream was mostly ridiculous but that the last part was somehow important…if only he could remember it. It lay just beyond the grasp of his mind, teasing him with foggy images that he couldn't quite make out.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" he asked Satoshi, flicking on the kettle.

"May as well since we're up," the other replied, picking up his phone to look at the time.

"What time is it anyway?" Daisuke asked, leaning against the bench.

"Three-forty in the morning," Satoshi sighed, placing the phone back on the coffee table before slumping against the couch again.

"You've got to be kidding me." He felt like hell. It seemed like no one ever got much sleep around this place and between the traffic, Satoshi's work and now the neighbours, Daisuke was starting to feel the effects. "Satoshi-kun, how are you not dead due to sleep deprivation?"

Satoshi was in no mood for humour though, even if Daisuke was semi-serious, and simply grunted in return, his head burrowed beneath a cushion.

Let's close our eyes,
And make our own paradise.

Daisuke placed the cups of tea carefully on the table. He sat down on the couch, moving Satoshi's legs aside with a push that prompted the other boy to come out from under the cushion with a noise of protest about the sudden invasion of space.

"Oh," he said abruptly, seeing the cup of tea in front of him. "Thanks," he added kindly.

"That's okay," Daisuke replied, though his words could hardly be heard over the noise from next door. "Do they do this a lot?"

"What?" Satoshi leaned closer to Daisuke, tea cradled in his hands, trying to make out what his friend was saying.

"I said, do they do this often?" Satoshi was so close that Daisuke's lips were almost grazing the side of his face. He could feel his own face heating up rapidly and couldn't help but think 'how does he not find this totally awkward?!' The other boy, unfazed by all of this, moved his head away again, shaking it slightly.

He shrugged, "Sometimes. But I haven't been here that long."

At this, Daisuke's interest piqued, "Really? You mean you were somewhere else before?"

"Yeah," Satoshi said nonchalantly, taking a sip of his tea.

"Where? Why did you move?" Daisuke asked rapidly.

Satoshi didn't answer, watching the small tendrils of steam rise from his mug. Suddenly he asked, "Are you enjoying your stay?"

Daisuke was thrown for a moment, but Satoshi had always been like this. Whatever he didn't want to answer, he didn't. Subject changing was not new to Daisuke who simply gave up, knowing he could try for a surprise attack of questions later.

"Yeah. It's been good," he smiled genuinely at the older boy, pulling his legs up onto the couch. It would be a long night.

Little we know of it, still we can try,
To make a go of it.

Daisuke blinked, the sunlight streaming through the window impossibly bright. He groaned, not wanting to get up, and snuggled further into the rug and the warmth that surrounded him. Something beside him shifted and a weight on his head that he hadn't noticed before became apparent. He blinked again, eyes glancing sideways. All he could see was pale skin and he realised that what he thought had been his pillow was actually Satoshi's shoulder which was he was nuzzled up against.

Daisuke's brain went into overdrive: Okay, okay, okay. Don't panic. We must have fallen asleep like this and not noticed. What's the last thing I remember? We had tea and we were talking and… argh! I can't remember. Ok, don't freak out Daisuke. Stay cool. Just close your eyes again and pretend you're asleep. Or maybe I should get up? Ah, I don't know!

The last suggestion of his brain, practical as it was, was also rather unhelpful as Satoshi's head was still resting on his and getting up would involve waking Satoshi up. He'll probably wake up soon anyway so why not make the best of it, the pragmatic part of Daisuke's brain reasoned.

We might have been meant for each other,
To be or not to be, let our hearts discover.

So, leaning into Satoshi, he closed his eyes again and let the warmth of sleep reclaim him.


Let's fall in love,
Why shouldn't we fall in love?

To Daisuke, it still didn't feel like a holiday. He and Satoshi quickly fell back into the old pattern of living together peacefully which was how they'd spent most of their teenage years. Daisuke would sit there painting while Satoshi was reading or doing paperwork. Looking up from his task every now and then, Daisuke would marvel at how much it felt just like old times. The awkward gap that he was afraid would have formed between the two during Satoshi's long absence disappeared so quickly that Daisuke was unsure it had ever existed. There was something about their friendship, he decided, some closeness, some bond that spanned distances and time.

And yet, being back in Satoshi's presence was more excruciating than he had anticipated. He was overjoyed, in the genuine way only Daisuke could be, to see his friend again. And he was glad that there was no unease in their friendship. Yet, the old tension was still there. It too had not changed, even though Daisuke direly wished it had. In fleeting spare moments he would sigh, hang his head in his hands, breathe deeply and ask himself how the hell he still felt this way?! He thought a year away from the blue-haired boy would solve it, somehow make the situation better. He had hoped that, in that time, he would grow up and grow out of this…this ridiculous infatuation! It had begun in highschool when Daisuke had started noticing things about Satoshi that he hadn't noticed particularly before. His ever changing blue eyes, his soft hair, his rare smiles, his…no! I-I can't keep thinking about him this way! He's my best friend!

Now is the time for it, while we are young
Let's fall in love.

"Are you alright?" Daisuke realised he was staring at Satoshi across the bench, over dinner, one hand paused mid-way to his mouth.

"Ah? Yeah, I was just thinking," he said as calmly as possible whilst cursing himself inside.

"Indeed," Satoshi raised a sceptical eyebrow before turning back to dinner seemingly disinterested, "What about?"

"Ah. Um, nothing really," Daisuke laughed unevenly, noticing the bright spark in Satoshi's eye that let him know that the boy was interested, very interested. But instead he continued eating without questioning the other further.

And so, just like that, Daisuke once more suppressed the intense emotions of so many years. It probably wasn't as long as he imagined since he hadn't noticed the drastic change in his feelings that long ago. But Satoshi's complete ignorance of Daisuke's concealed feelings and his usual presence in Daisuke's life made it painful enough to feel like a lifetime. Daisuke was so thankful that his friend didn't know. He was afraid of the reaction a confession or even a slight slip of his tongue would produce. Would he be repulsed by Daisuke? Never speak to him again? The thoughts were too awful to entertain.

Yet, a small voice of reason always nagged him in the back of his head, whispering to him that surely Satoshi must have noticed. He wasn't stupid, in fact, quite the opposite. He was observant and quick whilst Daisuke was not the most subtle person on the planet. He was just ignoring Daisuke's feelings because he didn't return them but was a kind friend, the red-head reasoned. It was as simple as that. Even knowing this to be highly likely, Daisuke would push the small voice to the back of his mind, never able to completely banish neither hope nor the pressing feeling on his chest.

Daisuke dearly hoped that, even if Satoshi did know, he would never mention it. Daisuke would rather live with false hope than none. For Satoshi's to reject him openly would be too much of a crushing blow for the boy who invested so much in emotions, hopes and dreams. And he was quite sure it would ruin their friendship, which he prized more highly than anything. Of course, the amiable boy had great friends back in Azumano, no doubt, but no friend would ever quite be like Satoshi.

We might have been meant for each other,
To be or not to be, let our hearts discover.

Being so close to the older boy brought all this crashing back to the surface whereas Daisuke had largely ignored it during Satoshi's absence. Except for those brief moments where he missed him terribly and was swamped by an intense wave of loneliness and futility that left him in tears, feeling pathetic that he could ever need someone that much. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want it to be like this, he would repeat to himself over and over. He drowned out these feelings and thoughts with anything he could – family, friends, his studies, part-time work, sport and other activities. Only sometimes would he indulge himself and actually call the boy whom he really wanted to talk to, pacing in front of the phone beforehand wondering whether he should or not.

But none of that was as excruciating as being near him again. It was so much more dangerous when he was in arms reach, the potential for Daisuke to forget himself so much greater. Another year gone, the smile on Satoshi's face when Daisuke had arrived, the warmth that filled Daisuke every time he saw that smile – all these things only led to one conclusion: he was more in love with that boy than ever, and it was killing him slowly.

Let's fall in love.


A/N:
This is taking awhile, yes, but I swear that this is a SatoxDai story, and it's getting there. Think of this as suspense along the way and please don't hurt me . Haha. Hopefully this chapter builds up Daisuke's feelings a bit more.

And yes, I have watched Alice in Wonderland recently which is why it appears as Daisuke's dream. And the lyrics the cat is singing in the dream are actually from the song Hajimari No Hi, which is one of the ending songs from the DN Angel anime.

Thank you for all your reviews – they are the encouragement that keeps me going ^_^

Let's Fall in Love – Ella Fitzgerald, lyrics may vary depending on artist and may have been moved around a bit to fit the story

Hm, the delay in this is due to the fact I got distracted by a oneshot idea for Death Note and had to write it down before it became a fleeting memory. But I'm back on track now. And I decided to leave part of this chapter out because it seemed a lot longer on Word than it does now. Maybe I should have left it in, ah well. I'll put it in to the next chapter.

EDIT: Thank you to RhythmStickLunatic for pointing out that Daisuke actually lives in Azumano rather than Azumo as I've been calling it. Terribly sorry! Now I must go and correct all my mistakes... *sigh* I should have paid better attention in the first place.