So, Harry is a second year, Voldemort is a Furby, and the Basilisk awakens. And Dumbledore is a colossal jerk! And why does Ginny have a Tickle Me Elmo?
Notes:
Oh, how I wish I made money on this, but I can't, so I don't. JKR owns the Potterverse, I just parody the crap out of it!
Deep in the bowels of Hogwarts, Nagini guards the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, who is sleeping because of a very long acting snakey Draught of the Living Dead, which Voldy dosed it with when he asked Dumbledore for the DADA post. The draught is due to wear off sometime during Harry's second year. Dumbledore knows this, and gleefully waits for its awakening. What better way to hone Harry's skills than to slay a Basilisk, while saving Ginny Weasley from a 17 year old Voldemort. He made sure Professor Sprout had plenty of Mandrakes, just in case things went pear-shaped. He had Imperioed Ludicrous Malfoy at the last Hogwarts Board of Governors meeting, all Malfoy had to do was drop Tom Riddle's Diary into Ginny Weasley's cauldron. Before he could do so, a flying, demonic furry toy flew directly into Malfoy's face, screaming gibberish while snatching the diary from Voldy's left hand man's left hand. Dumbledore was thwarted without his knowledge. Stupid Dumbledore!
Harry hears the Basilisk awaken, pining for his supper, as Harry is signing autographs for that Legend in his Own Mind, Gilderoy Lockhart. Nagini threatens to slip it one of Hagrid's roosters dosed with the ever so dangerous Draught of Actual Death, if it doesn't shut up and just eat the rats in the Chamber of Secrets. The Basilisk agrees, on the condition that Nagini procure, and install, a self-replenishing rotisserie chicken dispenser in the Chamber of Secrets, which she does post-haste, because she has one eighth of Voldy's soul, which makes her omnipotent. Luckily for all of humankind, Nagini had zero aspirations of world domination.
Ginny, having never received the Diary with the Horcrux, believes she is dating Harry Potter, but it actually is a Tickle Me Elmo Doll she carries around, which is controlled by Peeves and cackles "I see London, I see France, I see McGonagall's underpants", and she is sooo burnt - it is either a year's detention with Filch, replacing the urinal cakes in all of the boys rooms (which needed replacement daily, because Peeves had a 14 cake a day habit) or an involuntary vacation in St. Mungo's locked Adolescent Psych ward - alas, the choice is ripped from her Weasel-y little paws when she claims that she saw Peeves snacking on urinal cakes outside Moaning Myrtle's bathroom - her arse gets carted off to St. Mungo's faster than Mrs. Norris could hack up a furball.
Meanwhile, back in the dungeon, Nagini communicates with Voldy via the Furby he has possessed, (it was either the Furby, or that ponce Gilderoy Lockhart, and Voldemort would surrender to the Ministry dressed in a tutu before possessing that sorry excuse for a wizard). This makes it hard to take Voldy seriously, as he can only communicate in Furbish. Voldy owl orders "Housing your Evil Homunculus" by Igetta Nubody, from Wizarding , and directs Snape to the chapter "Rehoming the Fragmented Soul, Exorcise a Furby", so Severus could eventually return him to a newly transfigured human facsimile, handcrafted by the Potion Master.
Severus, having not been born yesterday, demands something from Voldemort in return for his shiny new body, that he listen to Nagini, as she tells Voldy a story. Severus had already given the lowdown to Nagini, through Harry, regarding Dumbledore's nefarious shaping of Dumbledore's Lost Boys - Dumbledore abandons Tom Riddle to an orphanage every summer, allowing the Muggle caretakers, and fellow children, to label him "Freak", and torment him. Snape is forced to return to home to the violently abusive Muggle Father, who cruelly beats Severus for being a magical freak. Harry is relentlessly punished, belittled and starved by the Dursleys, the worst Muggles imaginable, every summer, for continuing to exist, and continuing to be a Freaky Wizard.
Such blatant refusal to provide sanctuary from Muggle violence by Saint Dumbledore resulted in one Dark Lord, a Death Eater that Dumbledore kept thrusting into peril at the hand of said Dark Lord, and a frightened orphan that was being groomed, by repetitive acts of alienation of affection, to be the weapon created to destroy that Dark Lord, making Harry want to vanquish Voldy in order to please Dumbledore. Classic Daddy issues. And that didn't even address the fact that Dumbledore wanted Snape, Riddle and Potter DEAD.
When Nagini explained all of this to Furby Voldemort, something clicked inside Tom Riddle's fragmented mind, and his inner Wizard screamed "Aww, HELL NO!" The Dark Furby broke into a deafening, high-pitched, nonsensical rant in Medieval Furbish, which had never been heard before, by human or Wizard-kind, because - oh, shit, I don't know everything, ask Voldemort. Even better, ask Snape, because he does knows everything.
Anyway, the gist of it is that after some heated discussion, with Nagini translating, Voldemort would cease his plans to kill Harry, and work towards taking down the Headmaster. In return, Voldemort would get a new body, and help to free Sirius Black from Azkaban.
That's Harry's second year, sorted. On to Year Three - next time, there will be dialogue! If I feel so inclined. I guess.
