Title: The Wise Stay Single
Chapter: Forget it, He's Screwed
Pairings: Soul/Maka, Wes/Yumi, Wes/Blair, Kid/Star, Star/Blair, Wes/EdibleThong...etc.
Note: Fiercy here! Signing in and telling all of you just how wonderful you are! Our chapters are getting longer and if we do say so ourselves a lot better! Enjoy!
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It began innocently enough, their little escapades turned to something more. Something slow, meaningful and fun. Their friendship, their intimate bond that no one else could match just seemed to morph and change beyond repair but not beyond recognition, into something so very different and yet so very much the same.
They knew each others souls just as they knew their own and that was something that no one- not even themselves could take from them.
So even though it wasn't premeditated it wasn't unprecedented either.
Even so change is something that befalls Shibusen often. Just usually not in a good way.
Obviously their friends had decided to stick their noses where they don't belong and make a very very unhappy scythe even less happy with them when they decided to take it upon themselves to throw them a surprise anniversary...
After he forgot all about it.
"What do you mean anniversary?!" Black Star sighed and patted his old friend patronisingly on the head, Soul resisted the urge to stab him.
"You know, a celebration of your lack of fun! A tribute to how you're now whipped, a ceremony of-"
"I know," Soul hissed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, "what it means Black Star. I meant how on earth it could possibly be right now! Maka hasn't said anything!"
"Girls never do." Kid said wisely from the sofa.
"Oh? You'd know wouldn't you Kid, being as straight as a melon!" Kid nearly inhaled the cup he was drinking from, spitting hot tea all over the screaming Black Star.
"OW! My pants! MY PANTS ARE BURNING!"
Soul smirked, internally celebrating his little victory but one glance at the hideous 'Toads of the World' calender reminded him of his impending doom.
"Hey Kid...can I borrow your wallet?"
Meanwhile, somewhere on the outskirts of Death City...
A strange figure dragged himself closer and closer to the city limits, his feet scuffing the ground as he went, his immaculate self dirt free and yet he seemed like the most exhausted and unappreciated hobo of all time.
"Hi." he said, looking up at the first person he'd seen in what seemed like weeks.
"...Hello...Can I help you?" The glasses wearing woman quirked an eyebrow at the odd man.
He rocked back on his heels, pushing back the messy white hair in the process and whistled awkwardly. "I'm looking for..." suddenly aware that he was in the closest thing to a military facility Nevada had and in a place he probably wasn't legally allowed to go to he lied. "The Road."
"Which road?"
"Um..." he stalled, "The short one!"
"Being a little more specific might help." the woman looked up at him through he bangs like he was an extra terrestrial, examining the blue eyed, white haired man.
"Life." Sure, let's go with that.
"Excuse me?"
"Life. I'm lost on the road of life." he panicked unnecessarily, "It's short...ish and stuff."
"Right...Either that was a really bad attempt at a line or you're going to need to take a trip down 'The Road' to the hospital with me." Yumi nodded at his ruffled appearance.
The man- who was none other than the wonderful world reknowned violinist/undercover cake baker Wesley Richard Evans- realised than that he sort of resembled an ex con.
"Um, the first one?"
"Well then," SMACK! "Good day."
Hows that for an onomatopoeia?
X-x-X
"How about this?"
"No."
"This?"
"Yeah. Maybe pigs will start flying too."
"This one?"
"Tch. Are you taking this seriously Soul?"
"Kid, I'm picking out which pack of mints I want. It's not rocket science." The death god's eyes narrowed dangerously, Soul gulped and took a step back bumping into a smirking Black Star.
"What do you want?" Kid griped, Black Star then held up a ball of fluff in a hat and beamed as if he was a small child who'd just eaten a bug and liked it.
"Gentlemen. I present, our shopping partner." If cat's could look like evil masterminds, Blair had it down to an art form.
"So nya," the little kitty piped up, "How revealing do you want your lingerie and if you're into dominatrix we're going to be onto a whole new-Kid could you please pick Soul off the floor, he's bleeding on the carpet."
"You think he's alright?"
"He's a teenaged boy Kid-kun, what do you think? Oh wait...never mind you wouldn't know."
"Ooooh burn!"
X-x-X
"I hate you all. You can burn in hell and you better hide this shit quick before Mak- Wes?" Soul blinked stupidly, finding his older brother standing in the middle of his and Maka's living room.
Blair, Kid and BlackStar all popped their heads into the room behind him.
"Nya Soul, who's the hottie?"
Ignoring her totally innapropriate, beastialic and possibly pedophilic (you never know how old those tricky magic cats are) comment he gaped at the man. "Why are you hear?"
"Is that any way to treat your wonderful and totally awesome big brother?"
"Totally...?"
"I came all the way here to see you!"
Soul sighed, "What did mom do this time?"
"She thought she was King Kong, scaled the bannister to swing on the chandelier, threw model airplanes around and called me Anne."
"Well that's not so-" BlackStar tried to reason.
"She made me dress up in that whine dress she always wears with that uncomfortable breeze."
"But-"
"With makeup."
"I-"
"And she attempted plastic surgery in my sleep but the paperwork didn't go through."
"..."
"My dad's death?"
There was a collective sigh.
"Wes, if you had a girlfriend what would you buy her?"
"If I had a girlfriend?" Wes felt a his eyebrow twitch in annoyance, he prefered it when he had Maka around to buffer his brother's relentless sarcasm.
"Well...I've never seen you with one..."
"Hey! I am not like Monsieur stripy and Star man over there!" Kid looked bewildered and Black Star began mouthing the words 'Star man' under his breath as if it was some sort of illness.
"Well I don't know Wes...the fairy cakes? The dress? The...violin..." Soul winced on the last one, Wes looked infuriated.
"Violins are macho!"
"..."
"Should I just go buy some rainbow pants now, or wait for Kid's stalkers to try abducting me?" Wes mumbled reluctantly.
"Don't worry, I've got some porn stashed somewhere." Soul admitted, Black Star gaped at him like he'd just sprouted wings and proclaimed his divine background and Kid was still looking as if he'd just been kicked in the chest.
"Oh happy anniversary by the way!" Wes grinned in what was meant to be a reassuring way but Soul just collapsed into the sofa and groaned.
"I'll prove you aren't gay Wes-sama!" and with that Blair pounced on the unsuspecting Evans.
"Lucky bastard..." Black Star muttered.
"Monsieur stripy...?"
X-x-X
"So basically we have it narrowed down to a spa day, jewelry, lingerie (which I doubt she'll like by the way, some shit about being objectified) books and there's always your left nut if you've still got any."
"You're hilarious Wes."
"Oh...I was being serious."
"None of that seems...I don't know...special." Soul ran an irritated hand through his hair and Wes tried to get the lipstick off his face.
"Special? Sexy, edible underwear is special!"
"Shut up Black Star!" Wes and Soul yelped at the same time, sporting identical nose bleeds. It was a wonder neither of them were anemic.
"How about, you take her on a romantic date. You know, go swimming in a lake with your clothes on, dance in the rain, sprout poetry at random intervals, hold her off the front of a boat..." Kid announced suddenly before noticing the others sudden gawking in his direction, "wh...what?" he stammered weakly, hiding behind a pillow.
"...why in the nine hells did we not think of that?!"
"I still vote for whips and handcuffs."
"Yeah. You and Kid have fun there."
The horrified screams of terror echoed round Shibusen for years to come.
X-x-X
Maka was pouring over revision when Soul appeared behind her and began massaging her neck and upper back.
"Uuun," she moaned, "You have no idea how good that feels." She sighed quietly, closing her book and leaning into his touch, "Have I ever told you that you have magic fingers?" He opened his mouth, a smart, sarcastic and no doubt NC-17 comment on the tip of his tongue, "Don't say it."
He rolled his eyes and kissed her shoulder. "We're going out tomorrow night."
"Ain. Wrong. I didn't hear a question, please feel free to try again later."
"Maka!" he growled, wheeling her around in her swivel chair (of doom) and pressing his forehead to hers. "Would you like to come out with me tomorrow night before the party?"
"...why?" She raised her eyebrow in suspicion and Soul rolled his eyes.
"Because I'm going to stab you and throw you in a ditch. Why on earth do you think you un-cool freak." Maka huffed and punched him on the arm.
"That is no way to go about winning a womans heart Solomon Eater Evans."
"I love it when you say my full name like-" A very thick encylopedia was promptly brought down with shattering speed onto his fragile cranium. "...ow."
"You've been hanging around with the boys too much," she growled, "what next? Reordering my CD collection whilst proclaiming what a god like being you are?"
"Well...you're CD's were a mess-"
"SOUL!"
"I'm kidding! So, pick you up at seven?" Maka rolled her eyes and spun back round to her desk, Soul began to massage her shoulders once more, failing to keep an idiotic grin off his face.
"We live in the same house Soul..." Maka mumbled, arching her back and wincing as several bones cracked.
"And you know what...we also share the same bed."
"So-mmph!"
And he naively thought things were starting to look up.
X-x-X
Really, considering their past history he should have foreseen it. But in all fairness he was a little busy worrying about being cock blocked for the rest of forever. That and Maka's tongue was doing something especially wonderful to his ear but details.
They were sitting, her tucked into his side. On a picnic blanket. A picnic blanket for cripes sakes. Under a tree in the middle of the park. He didn't think it got any more cliche.
But she was smiling sweetly and serenely in a way he hadn't seen in a while, her hair was glowing palely in the soft light of the quarter moon and the electric lantern he'd brought out. Her bottle green eyes were alight with happiness and he didn't think he'd ever seen he look more beautiful than in that moment before their lips deigned to touch.
He was about to say something totally sweet, sappy and no doubt reputation ruining when a loud yip made them both jump out of their skins, knocking noses.
"I'll kill him."
"It was your turn last time. Let me take a crack at him."
"But you always go easy on him."
"What?! No I don't!" Maka was about to tell Soul exactly what she thought of that reply when a naked Blair suddenly exploded from a nearby hedge, followed swiftly by a crimson Wes, Kid and Black Star.
"...Hi Maka, Soul! Fancy seeing you guys here!"
"Black Star why aren't you wearing any shoes?" the assassin scoffed, launching into a huge explanation revolving around a roast dinner, rock concert and his godly hair style. Soul lost interest the minute the ninja opened his mouth.
Maka sighed and mournfully began packing up her picnic. Everything had been going so well!
"Wes do you guys have nothing better to do but stalk me?"
"Well we did have something to tell you but now I don't think I will." Wes smirked. It was the smirk Soul knew inside-out. It was the dreaded smirk that always formed whenever his older brother had gone and had one of his slightly more 'Evans' style moments and set fire to someones guinea pig with baking powder and a hatchet.
It was never a good smirk.
If evil had a smirk. It would be this one. Even Satan himself would admit it was rather sinister looking before backing away into a corner to protect his various rodent pets.
"What have you done Wes!" Soul exclaimed, cutting off the climax of BlackStar's tale mid reenactment.
"Me! I didn't do anything! Vincent de Kamelot the 4th however..."
Soul paled considerably, which was quite a feet since he was already chalk white.
"You mean...the trillionaire with the hair gel?" Wes smirked, a puppy died.
"Oh yes. Angel cake anyone?"
"Just tell us why you're here interrupting perhap the most normal date we've had well...ever only to keep on with this mindless dribble!"
"Nya, we brought your presents." Blair replied.
"Oh HELL NO-!"
"Why did you get me presents?"
Everyone either got whiplash or dislocated their necks as they snapped back from Soul to his partner. "Excuse me?"
Kid suddenly had the niggling feeling that they should have brought girls other than Blair along.
"I said why-"
"I know what you said." Soul said slowly, "I mean..." his head snapped up. "You forgot didn't you?" at her blank stare he smacked his forehead. "I freaked out over forgetting our anniversary only to have you forget? So not cool Maka!"
"Soul...our anniversary was three months ago."
"Then-" he wheeled around towards the not quite cowering quartet that was his brother, pet and two best friends. "What exactly are we celebrating?" he grit out.
"The...day the rest of us found out...?" Wes guessed, not actually being in on this particular plot but covering up for his fellow troublemakers and shenanigan creators anyway.
"Surprise...?" Kid offered lamely, Black Star frowned.
"Isn't ANYONE going to wear this god damn edible thong?!" Wes rolled his eyes and began muching on his pastry perfection, wondering why he even bothered trying to be a violinist anyway.
"...You bought me an edible thong?!" Soul's life flashed before his eyes, it was full of his mother dressed up as Darth Vader beating Wes with a bagette, he took a nervous step back.
"Well actually Wes made i-"
"And a whip!" Blair chimed in, pulling the object in question out of thin air and giving a very meaningful glance to the oblivious Wes Evans.
"Don't forget the handcuffs!" Kid supplied, seeing Soul's glare he remembered that he left the candles burning and fled...in the opposite direction to his house.
"It was a joke...!" Soul's voice broke as Maka's glare turned into a laser, burning a hole through his forehead.
"You didn't even get me the boots to match you idiot!"
"It was all Black Stars idea...I'm sorry what?" Maka however was already next to Blair, fingering the handcuffs thoughtfully and giving her weapon a very cool and intimidating glance.
"Good luck little bro," Wes smirked, he and Black Star both gave a quick salute before bursting into hysterics and running the direction Kid fled.
"So..." Maka muttered, "about that whip..."
Note: Fiercest here signing off for us both today! We'd love your comments, critiques, ideas, guesses and/or requests.
We hope you enjoyed our nonsense.
-Fiercest & Pippin
