Chapter 4
Thawing
Their first parting had been awkward, full with tension of words both said and left unspoken. But if Obi-Wan had hoped that Qui-Gon would leave their relationship at that, the Padawan had sadly underestimated his Master's willful stubbornness. There wasn't a day that passed without Qui-Gon seeking out his company. The Master came in the evenings, when the children, settled for sleep, listened contentedly to the stories of old times. The great Jedi of old walked again the fields of their glory, foes fleeing before their grace and power. The Padawans were born to accomplish great deeds. They served and fought and earned their Trials.
The stars blinked through the windows. The snow shone. The dormitory was full of waking dreams as the children turned awed gazes at the big Jedi sitting silent near the door. Unmoving in the light of the moon and the stars, with his calm hands and fierce eyes, Master Qui-Gon Jinn appeared to them the image of the heroes of old. Nothing could shatter his peace. Nothing could stand against him. And his Padawan was at his side.
The waking dreams turned to dreams under the crèche Master's careful guidance. The sound of soft breathing filled the room. Qui-Gon stood, his presence quiet in the Force, as to not disturb the sleeping children. Obi-Wan followed him out the door.
They had settled into a routine of sorts. The evenings were theirs to spend in each others company. It had been uncomfortable at the beginning. It still often was, as Obi-Wan refused to be pacified.
'Would you take tea with me?' Qui-Gon offered.
'No.'
'All right. Not in our quarters, then. The cafeteria?'
'No.' Obi-Wan paused before squeezing out a sullen, 'Thank you.'
'Are you hungry?'
'No.'
'How long has it been since you sparred?'
Obi-Wan let out an outburst of laughter.
'Sparred? Look at me, Qui-Gon. There are days I can hardly walk.'
'But not today. Today you are better.'
'Yes. Better.'
'Then come and spar with me. I miss it, Obi-Wan.'
Obi-Wan rose from the bench they had claimed as their own over the course of the last few weeks. He whirled on the older man, fury in his eyes. Something in Qui-Gon's expression made him take a step back and shield his face with both hands. When the hands came down, the anger was still there, but the hurt, the helplessness looked Qui-Gon straight in the face.
'Yes, Master Jinn. I will spar with you. So that you can see for yourself.'
Qui-Gon stood.
'See for myself, Obi-Wan?'
'You will need someone more competent for the missions. I will slow you down. You will dislike it.'
Qui-Gon saw the fleeting look of vulnerability on the boy's features. Is that it? the Jedi Master thought. He believes I will dislike him?
'It's not like that, Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon said quietly.
Obi-Wan shrugged.
'Perhaps not while we stay in the Temple. But on a mission, it will be.'
They talked no more until the training grounds. The rooms were empty at this hour. The two Jedi took off their heavy robes and stood in front of each other, lightsabers lit.
'I have missed this,' said Qui-Gon.
'So did I,' replied Obi-Wan.
His anger was gone. There was something in Obi-Wan now of the boy he had been before his injury and Tahl's death. The sharp attention, the need to do his best and then do better, the joy to follow the lead of a master swordsman. Obi-Wan gave himself entirely to this slow, careful duel. And Qui-Gon, moved by the boy's gift, had to fight off sudden tears. Obi-Wan might not move with his usual speed or grace, anymore. But the alertness, the wish to learn, to take and to give, too, were there. The Master had finally found his Padawan. And the Padawan was acutely happy as they circled each other, thrust, parried, tangled their swords and their thoughts.
Obi-Wan's face glistened with sweat when they came finally apart. His Master was radiant. Obi-Wan lowered his gaze. Maybe Qui-Gon still wanted him as an apprentice. The stubborn, foolish man. But the apprentice knew better than the Master. There was no way around the verdict of the healers. Just no way. Obi-Wan wouldn't endanger his Master's life by being a burden to him, an easy target, someone to protect instead of someone to rely upon.
Obi-Wan blinked and shook his head. Qui-Gon stood before him, calm and happy. But a frown formed on the man's forehead as he observed his apprentice. Had Qui-Gon sensed the walls come up again? The communion was over. Obi-Wan turned away to retrieve his coat. Two large hands on his shoulders stopped him.
'Thank you,' said the Master.
Obi-Wan was unable to hide his sadness.
'Now you see for yourself, Qui-Gon.'
'Padawan, you did well. I could not have asked for more.'
Obi-Wan laughed, though there was little joy in the sound.
'Well? You did the work for the both of us, Master. If that was your purpose, then I suppose we both did well.'
Obi-Wan took a step away. Qui-Gon let him go.
'Would you like to join me for a meal tomorrow?' the Master asked.
'Maybe another day.'
The next evening, Qui-Gon opened the crèche doors, gazed at the little beds and sparkling eyes, turned on his heels and stalked out. Obi-Wan wasn't there. Qui-Gon came looking for him in the warmth of the climate accommodated garden, where the flowers tipped their heads for the night and the birds' songs whispered and sighed. The boy sat on their bench, staring blankly at the ground.
'The children are not asleep, yet,' Qui-Gon told him.
Obi-Wan jerked a little.
'I know,' he said without meeting the older Jedi's eyes. 'I will not be returning to the crèche, after today.'
Qui-Gon studied him a moment before sitting down at his side.
'Why?'
Obi-Wan shook his head.
'Padawan, you can talk to me.'
Obi-Wan sighed.
'I know, Qui-Gon. I just… I… I don't know, Master. I don't know anything, anymore.' His breath caught. Obi-Wan lowered his head, curling into himself. 'Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? It doesn't… Nothing makes sense, anymore, Master.'
Qui-Gon's gaze on him was as steady and warm as sunlight.
'Tell me what happened today, Padawan,' he demanded.
Obi-Wan obeyed. He had no one else to turn to, and this man had offered him shelter and kindness for almost as long as the boy had known him.
'Today we went skating. The children, I mean. Just them and me, for the first time. The crèche Masters trusted me enough to take care of the kids.'
Obi-Wan frowned. His head finally rose. He fixed Qui-Gon with a shadowed, confused stare. Qui-Gon lifted an eyebrow.
'Their trust is well placed and well earned, Padawan. I trust you with my life. I would trust you with the children's care too.'
Obi-Wan's face twisted.
'You shouldn't. And they shouldn't have, either.'
There was pain in his voice. Qui-Gon waited.
'It was such a beautiful day,' whispered Obi-Wan. 'The frozen lake is not far at all. There are snowy slopes and woods. The children laughed and played. And then men came out of the woods. Some with knives, some with blasters.'
Qui-Gon stilled. He probed through the bond, gently, to reassure himself that his apprentice was unharmed.
'What happened?' the Master asked.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes.
'I Force pushed them,' he confessed. 'They would have harmed the children. And I wouldn't have been fast enough, with the lightsaber. The men weren't hurt… much.' The boy turned, white faced, towards his Master. 'I scared the children, badly.'
'They weren't scared when I saw them just now,' countered Qui-Gon.
Obi-Wan didn't answer.
'Do you want to come home?' said Qui-Gon.
'No.'
'Then where will you go?'
Obi-Wan thought for a moment.
'If the Council still wants me here, I'll have to find a place where I won't put others in danger. Maybe the healers ward. I have learned a little during my stay there. I could learn more. I… I have to go.'
He rose and strode away without looking back.
'Obi-Wan.'
The boy stopped, shoulders hunched.
'Yes, Master?'
'Just know that my door is always open, should you wish my presence.'
'Yes, Master. Thank you.'
It was but a whisper, a little warmth in the bond, and the boy was gone, trying to flee the demons he could not outrun.
The Jedi Master rose slowly to his feet. He saw little of his whereabouts as he made his way back to his quarters.
Obi-Wan stopped before reaching the healers wing. Was that what he truly wanted? The memories of the healers working on his leg rose unbidden. He did not wish to return to that place. Not if he could help it. He certainly did not wish to spend most of his life in there. What then? Where to go?
/My door is always open to you,/ said his Master's voice in his mind.
/You left,/ Obi-Wan murmured back. /You will leave again. I'm… I'm afraid./
/I'm sorry, Padawan. Some day, I might ask for your forgiveness. Some day, I might even deserve it. Obi-Wan, please let me help./
Obi-Wan stood still for a long time, searching his own heart. Finally, he headed for his Master's quarters. The apprentice knocked, unsure how to proceed, after such a long time. There was a pause and a stillness on the other side of the door. A feeling of dread coiled inside Obi-Wan's stomach.
'Master?' he called out softly.
After another endless pause, the door slid open, to reveal a man Obi-Wan did not know. Not a Jedi, not a Knight. He had curly brown hair, hazel eyes and a smile that did not lift the boy's spirits.
'Yes?' the man asked, as if him being there was a most natural thing.
'Who are you?'
Obi-Wan's voice was sharp. The man's smile turned stern.
'Someone more polite then you, apparently. Why Qui-Gon takes on such apprentices is truly beyond me.'
'Wh-Who are you?'
The man pressed his lips together and looked the boy over with disapproval.
'Qui-Gon's friend, who else? We don't see each other nearly often enough. You'll get your precious Master back. But tonight, he's mine. We have so much time to make up for. Be gone, boy.'
Ahem. I manage to write a slightly longer chapter, and this is the result. The story takes off sideways. And I'm left playing catch up.
What did you think? Like? Dislike? Please, let me know!
