gimini523: I've already written the next 4 chapters, and yes all of those questions will be answered!

Cullengirl10: Ah yes, just keep reading and there will be some dirty talk later. Trust me, these two get kinkier as the story goes on!

Chapter Four: Edward

I was seventeen when I met Edward.

My first impression was that he was a total jerk, completely obsessed with himself.

I should have stuck with the first impression.

I'm not sure how he won me over exactly. I think it was the whole "mysterious brooding" thing he had going on. I was also intrigued by the fact that he didn't seem to like me at all, unlike the other boys.

Now, don't ask me why, but boys go crazy for me. And I'm not saying that to be an egomaniac, because at seventeen I was the plainest thing you'd ever seen. Painfully skinny – and not the good supermodel kind. More like an anorexic string bean. My hair, the most boring shade of brown imaginable.

I dressed like a total dyke, I lived in flannel shirts and jeans and Chuck Taylors. The lesbian uniform. Honestly I'm surprised nobody figured me out years ago.

Everything about me screamed rug muncher.

But for some reason the boys went nuts for me, especially in Forks.

Now before you go thinking maybe I had huge boobs and that lured them in, you are sadly mistaken. I barely fill out a B cup. So there goes that theory.

Or maybe it's just that I was so obviously gay that all the dudes thought they'd get to see some girl on girl action. Who the hell knows.

But Edward, he didn't follow me around like Mike Newton, or Tyler or whatever that Asian dude's name was. He was ϋber mysterious, as was the rest of his strange, golden eyed family.

Oh, I noticed her right away of course. That short spiky hair, the ridiculously trendy yet slightly boyish clothes hinted that she might swing my way. But being informed that she was dating her own foster brother (ew) kind of put an end to those thoughts.

Edward intrigued me with his on again off again attitude. He hated me, then he liked me, then he hated me.

Then there was the time Edward saved my life of course. I was already slightly infatuated with him, after all nothing is a bigger turn on than being ignored. But then he stopped the van with his bare hands and that was it. I was obsessed with the guy.

I'd never been interested in boys before him. I was already questioning my sexuality and I guess you could say I was relieved when I met Edward. Not that I had a problem with being gay or anything; my mom had already given me the whole "I'll love you no matter what" speech (she figured me out long ago.)

But at seventeen, living in a small town like Forks - being the only gay kid in town was not high on my list of ambitions.

So when I fell for Edward, I was so glad that I could just be "normal."

Of course, he was anything but.

But after figuring out what he was, he became even more appealing. I think I was in love with the idea of being with a vampire more than I was with Edward himself. We didn't actually have that much in common, apart from a mild interest in Debussy. And he was kind of...stuffy.

And prudish...good lord he was prudish. He used the whole "I'm a vampire I might hurt you" thing to get out of sex, but Alice has proved that is not an issue.

Maybe he was just scared.

Or, maybe he's a controlling asshole who just wanted to manipulate me.

Or maybe he really was just scared.

Once, we were making out and he totally got a hard on. I was proud of myself, because I was seriously questioning my attractiveness at that point.

Of course I got curious, and tried to touch him through his pants. He friggin leapt to the ceiling.

I still got a bit of a grope. And you know, it was then that I kind of realized I didn't even really care what he had in his pants. His cock did nothing for me.

But when Alice got changed in front of me, it did do something for me. During our Bella Barbie dress up sessions, I'd find myself sneaking a peek while she twirled around in her underwear as she tried on everything she owned. Or suggesting she get something out of the lowest drawer, just to see her bend over to get it.

The doubts were creeping in, when on my 18th birthday his idiot brother Jasper attacked me. The next day Edward dumped me.

I did not take it well. Bitterly depressed is not even the right word for what happened to me. Catatonic might be a better description. I didn't admit it at the time, but I think the worst part was not that he left me, but that he took Alice with him.

I never really did understand why she left. I get why he left – because he is a douche. But why Alice?

That's when I became friends with Jacob. He was an incredible comfort to me, and little by little I came back to life with him.

But, like all boys, he had to go and ruin it by falling for me too. Seriously, why? If I looked like Cameron Diaz it might make sense. But come on, I look more like Kristen Stewart, the world's most boring actress for crying out loud! She's like a blank piece of paper or something.

No seriously, did you see The Runaways? Good Lord.

At least you get to see her kiss a chick.

But ew, the kid from I Am Sam? I did not need to see that!

Still, she's kind of hot now she's grown up.

But I digress.

When Jacob fell for me, I just couldn't feel the same way. I didn't understand why at the time.

I mean, he's like totally buff and hot right?

He and I both thought it was my feelings for Edward getting in the way, but it was so much more than that.

Like, he was the wrong gender maybe?

I'll never forget the day Alice came back. How she pulled me into her lap and just held me while I sobbed in her arms. I never wanted her to leave. I could have told her then, how I really felt about her. But then Edward pulled his ridiculous suicide attempt and I got sucked back into his world once again. He became even more controlling of me, forbidding my friendship with Jacob and basically running my life.

Why the hell I took him back I do not know. I guess I was addicted to the drama that was Edward.

And boy was there a lot of that with him around. From there it was one drama after another, what with Victoria and her army and all that fun stuff that only seems to happen to me. I was getting more and more fed up with him...and frankly the whole family. Especially Rosalie.

Then he wanted me to marry him, the thought still makes me nauseous.

My god, I almost gave up my life for him! I was ready to give it up by becoming a vampire for him.

Now, not that I've stopped considering that possibility. If I want to be with Alice long term, it is still an inevitability. However, if and when I make that decision: it will be an adult decision – not the desperate choice of a depression-prone eighteen year old so infatuated with her first boyfriend that she can't see straight.

An eighteen year old who actually turned out to be a lesbian.

When you're a teenager you think the way you are feeling at the time is how you will always feel.

God, how many teens have gotten a tattoo and regretted it later? Being a vampire is a little harder to take back than a tattoo.

If you asked me at eighteen what I wanted most, the answer was Edward. Now, at twenty five, the answer is Alice. However, more importantly than that - the answer is myself.

I wasn't myself with Edward. I was more of an addict. He took advantage of that, and used it to mould me into his twisted idea of the perfect woman. Fragile, vulnerable, and most importantly – chaste.

I'm not chaste, I'm a friggin sex maniac for fuck's sake! Like that marriage would have worked out.

I mean, apart from the whole gay thing.

Alice is so much better for me. She doesn't tell me how to live my life. If I want to do something, she encourages me to go and do it. She says when I'm ready to be a vampire, she will be there to do it for me.

And if I decide not to, she says older women are hot anyway.

I will be a vampire one day, but on my own terms. One thing Edward was right about (and there's not much) is how much I would miss out on as a human. And there are downsides to vampiredom...three days of agony, a year of being a bloodthirsty monster. Never sleeping could be a bonus but I think I'd also miss it. I'd miss dreaming. I'd miss eating. I'd miss my job. It could be a century before I have the control to sit in a small office with a patient.

There are so many good things about being human, that I couldn't see when I was a sulky emo eighteen year old stuck in my own misery.

Nope, for now I'll stick to my human life.

For now.